I am sure you have all enjoyed the Winter Olympics over the last four days or so. I mean, what’s not to like about seeing Wayne Gretzky standing, waiting and making a face like he was desperately trying to hold in a huge dump during the opening ceremonies?
The games have been fun too, with the exception of the tragedy on the luge on Friday. You have speed skating (which may be more boring than NASCAR), ski jumping (which the USA is so bad at that they don’t even have a team. I am serious. The jumpers for the US paid their own way to get there. Hey, we’re in a recession.), and snow-cross (which is merely a made up sport by ESPN in order to get people to pay attention to the Winter X-Games). All of those are fine and good. They must be at least slightly entertaining considering I have fallen asleep on the couch for three consecutive nights watching them.
But they just don’t stack up to the only two REAL reasons to even have the Winter Olympics.
- Curling
- Hockey
In that order.
I love hockey. You know this. But for all the greatness of hockey, there is something off about Olympic hockey nowadays. Because they use professional athletes, and because it takes place right in the middle of the NHL season, there a level of disconnect between the players. They don’t have a chance to play together at all prior to the games. They don’t get a chance to install a system. They basically take 20 really, really good players, give them matching uniforms, and throw them on the ice. Sure, there will be great plays, games, and moments. But, it will leave something to be desired. So, let’s start here with what you need to know about Olympic Hockey, and the teams that will compete for Gold.*
*I am not going to talk about some teams. I mean, Switzerland, come on. Stick you what you are good at; watch making and straddling the fence.
The Soviets (okay fine, Russia):
Who you know: Alex Ovechkin is unbelievable. He along with a Canadian I will mention shortly, are the only players recognized by ESPN. You see his amazing goals on SportsCenter. He is the best player in the world.
Who you don’t: Pavel Datsyuk. If you follow the NHL, you may know him. But if you don’t, you will thanks to the Olympics. A phenomenal goal scorer, with a lot of experience.
Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Based on my knowledge of Russian Olympians (which is entirely based on Ivan Drago in Rockey IV), I am sure they will be given enough drugs to kill a moose.
The Hosers (okay fine, Canada):
Who you know: Sidney Crosby is the face of Canadian hockey and the NHL. He will probably be the captain of the team, and he is only like 14 years old or something. Sid the Kid will get his, and probably lead the heavily favored Hosers deep in the tournament.
Who you don’t: Roberto Luongo is one of the Canadian goalies. He will probably get a majority of the starts. Why is that impressive? Because, their other goalie is Martin Brodeur who is probably the greatest goalie to ever play the game. A hot goalie can win you the Gold. That is all you need to know.
Completely irrelevant reason they will win: If you haven’t seen strange brew, stop reading this, and rent it. You’ll see why, eh?
The Soviets Again (okay fine, Czech Republic):
Who you know: Unless you have adopted the Wild as your NHL team, then you probably don’t know Martin Havlat. He has come on strong the second half of the year, and should play well with that momentum.Well maybe not.
Who you don’t: Jakub Stepanek. I don’t know who this is.
Completely irrelevant reason they will win: The Czechs have the most Wi-Fi subscribers in all of the European Union. Maybe they will start reading this column, and make me a big star if I talk about them.
The Heroes (okay fine, Team USA):
Who you know: Patrick Kane beat up a taxi cab driver over $3 in Buffalo. He is also a great hockey player, and the future of American hockey.
Who you don’t: Probably everyone else. Watch for Ryan Miller. He is the goalie for the US, and is having a phenomenal season for the Sabres.
Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Because that’s who I am rooting for. Besides, don’t you want to see “Miracle II: the rise of Rafalski”?
So what will happen? The USA will play very well, but come up short in the semis to Canada. The hoseheads succumb to the pressure of playing in their homeland, and lose the gold medal to the Russians. It’ll be fun, though. Now…
CURLING!!!!!!
A quick explanation of what the hell this is. Have you ever been drunk at a bar, and all you really want to do is play Golden Tee, but they are all taken by people that are going to play for the rest of the night, so you decide to play that shuffle puck game where you have to keep scraping the wax crumbs up with a coaster? You haven’t. Well that’s what it’s like.
Each team has four players. The teams take turns sliding 40 lb. stones 90 feet down ice towards a target. After 8 stones each, the team who has the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point for each stone inside the other teams closest stone. I know, you didn’t get that. You play 10 innings called “ends”. At the end of 10, highest score wins.
You’re probably thinking, “this sounds stupid.” It’s not. This sport is like bowling for Canadians. They do it on Saturday nights while drinking beer. Any sport where you are encouraged to drink beer is a sport that we should believe in. I dare you to watch one curling match, and then tell me that you will not ever watch one again. It is addictive.
As for who will win, probably Canada. The USA will be around, but a medal would be an upset. But that’s not the point. This sport needs to get some legs here in America. We need wealthy people to watch the Olympics, think “that seems like fun”, and open curling rinks.
Still need a reason to watch? Okay, they have a ladies curling competition as well. Meet team Canada.
We stand on guard for thee.