Tag Archives: Trey Hillman

www.Royals.com/irony

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 07/28/2009 – 3:26pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

Sometimes you hear something that makes you think (A). Sometimes you hear something that makes you do a double take (B). And then, sometimes, you hear things that make you spit whatever you were drinking out all over yourself (C). I experienced all of these things during one single Royals broadcast. Allow me to explain.

The date was Sunday July 26th, the year of our Lord, 2009. It was about 9:30pm by the time I assumed my usual position on the couch, remote in one hand, and a fine chardonnay in the other to watch my beloved Royals take on a crafty power hitting team from Texas called the Rangers.

I actually had two games to watch because I had not watched Saturday’s game yet either. Since I had, unfortunately, stumbled upon the score of that game earlier in the day, I decided to start with Sunday’s game. If that game got out of hand early (which is a distinct possibility), I could always switch over and watch a sure thing.

The game started, and Sydney Ponson was pitching a gem*. I was thoroughly entertained with this 0-0 tie for a good 4 innings.
*By “gem” I mean pitching completely on the edge of disaster. All over the zone, out of the zone, no command on the breaking ball, hanging breaking balls that no one would swing at, walking batters, and somehow not giving up any runs. Catch the Fever!

Then, (A) happened.
(A) Trey Hillman had shaved off his moustache. Good God! That looks really weird. How can I take this man seriously? When he had the moustache, at least he looked like Virgil Earp from Tombstone. What was he thinking? I mean, he can’t honestly think that getting rid of the facial hair would work. We all know the wonders it did for Mike Jacobs.
I finally got over this line of thinking, and headed downstairs to have a cigarette. As I was walking back into my living room, (B) happened.

(B) Frank White – “They basically just let me play with myself.” Double take coming! What? Why on Earth would Frank White ever need to discuss this on a Royals broadcast. Don’t get me wrong; I have never been a stranger to world of self-gratification.* But why would Frank be discussing this with Ryan during a Sunday day game telecast? It seemed unnecessary. I rewound the recording to find that he was discussing the process of deciding which pose to use for the statue of him at the K. He was apparently given some latitude on the pose. Out of context, but still hilarious.
*Once in my fraternity days, I was asked by an older member how many times I “did the deed with myself” in a given day. I, being a freshman, and being intimidated, said something like ‘maybe once’. The older guy looked at me, called me a liar, and said ‘You gotta wake up, and you gotta go to bed, that’s two minimum right there.’ I stand corrected.
Once I stopped laughing at this (C) happened, and I spit cheap wine all over my shirt.

(C) “Hey kids, do you want to learn how to play like a Royal? Come on down to the Royals workshop and learn from the big leaguers how to run, hit, pitch and field just like the Royals! Visit the website at Royals.com/fundamentals!
I’ll allow that to set in…

Royals.com/fundamentals??? Really. I just watched the Royals in a 0-0 game, drop a routine fly ball to second, which resulted in how many runs? And you want me to pay money for my children to learn how to play like this?? Really? Really???
Why would you subject your children to this? I spend a lot of money on stuff, but paying for my kids learn to blow leads like Jamon Cruzahay; can you put a price on that? Maybe they can learn how to swing at pitches way out of the strike zone like Miguel Olivo. Or maybe, just maybe, they can learn how to not advance runners like, well, everyone on this team.
I am filing this one under “websites to avoid like the plague” along with
www.freemarketeconomy.gov/Obama
www.quitsmokingoptions.com/heroine
www.painrelief.com/rustynailintesticles
www.attractivewomen.com/nancypelosi

I wonder if the Yankees have a program like this that the Royals players could actually attend. I would check that link out. Or better yet…

www.Royals.com/FrankWhite/chokethechicken
Don’t visit that link at work. I warned you…

Hillman Stache

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Posted by Conor Jay on 07/12/2009 – 1:47am
Filed under Kansas City Royals

Bellwether took some great screen shots of Hillman’s ’stache tonight… and it was glorious.  He looks like Soda Popinski.

Shame On You Internet

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Posted by Conor Jay on 05/04/2009 – 2:39am
Filed under Kansas City Royals

After a comeback win in Minnesota that the Royals never did in previous years against Scott “Cy Young” Baker, the internet community gave high fives and butt slaps to Bloomquist, Guillen, Callaspo, and even Meche for not pussin’ out with back problems. All props are well deserved and valid, but the star of the game was not mentioned once. Yes, Alberto Callaspo (my drinking buddy) hit the game leading double to break the game wide open in the 7th and made the 1st out at 3rd base which is a major no-no, but reading signs and speaking English are not his strong points, so I’m going to let it slide. But the biggest play of the game was made before Alberto took the first pitch.

Flashback: Alberto walks to the plate. Jacobs is on second and DeJesus is on first. Nobody out. Minnesota is leading 5-4.  Royals are on the road and have a hitter who has 1 career homerun. What do you do? Bunt him right? Wrong. 1st Pitch, bunt sign off. 6 pitches later, Alberto gets a 3-2 fastball and drives it to the gap.

The star of the game is the coach, Trey “Hairy-balls” Hillman for not putting on the bunt and allowing Callaspo to swing away. Say what you may about our hairy little friend’s bad bullpen decisions, but don’t be shy to give credit where it’s due.

Jason Whitlock Discovers: The Royals Still Play in Kansas City

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/16/2009 – 10:28pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

Apparently Jason Whitlock has decided to reach his quota of Royals Columns for the year (four) a little early. Half way there, buddy! I’m still trying to figure out which took longer this morning for Whitty, firing out this column, or firing out the three steak-on-a-sticks that he had during the second inning last night.

Get at me!!

Really, his main goal throughout the years has been to cover the Chiefs, bitch about Carl Peterson, and try to lure Bob Gretz into the Silence of the Lambs-style well that he dug for him in his living room, so I can usually give him a pass for his (lack of) baseball knowledge. But this column is maddening because it is so devoid of fact that it contradicts itself over-and-over again. In the column, Jason begins:

Being the Royals’ manager post-Ewing Kauffman has always been one of the most maddening jobs in professional sports…How do you get the Royals to a .500 record and in contention for the American League Central crown without spending an excessive amount of dollars on payroll?

Apparently, Trey Hillman has become the GM of the team as well as the manager by going back in time and killing Ewing Kauffman in order to take over [muuuaaaa-ha-ha-ha]. Listen, we all know that it’s easier to buy talent with a larger payroll, but…well, do I really have to go back over this: A’s, Twins, Rays, Marlins, Rockies, Brewers. Blah, bu-blah, bu-blah. BORING. Throw those successful small-market teams out the window. You’re sooo right, Jason. Higher payroll = better manager. Settled.

[Hillman's job is ] still one of the toughest in sports [e]ven with an elevated payroll…

All of the players on the Royals are, in fact vampires. All major-leaguers are. Hillman can’t compete with their insatiable thirst for blood. How do the Yankees consistently win? They have Abigail Whistler on their staff to teach A-Rod the ways of the Daywalker…duh. Whistler’s salary?? Eleventy-Billion Dollars. See?? The Royals just can’t compete.

Kyle Farnsworth, the former Yankee, is supposed to be the prized new po$$e$$ion of the bullpen staff. At a cost of $4.5 million per season, Farnsworth was purchased for the express purpose of taking over in the exact situation he did on Wednesday.

Booyah!! Suck it, Trebek!! Sarcastic dollar-sign S’s!! And he’s a former Yankee?!?! Whitlock, you ARE the master.

It’s April, and Hillman is already being asked whether he should rethink his Farnsworth strategy. He’s not going to.

Look, Kyle Farnsworth hasn’t exactly lived up to his contract. Hell, at this point he’d probably have to throw three no-hitters and go Jeter on India de Beaufort in the Dri Duck Fountain just to justify it in my mind. Still, for his career, coming into 2009, Farnsworth had been the losing pitcher while allowing at least three earned runs in only eight of his 586 major-league relief outings. He’s done it in two out of four so far this year. Sufficed to say he now has an even shorter leash; I don’t blame Hillman for trotting him out there yesterday. And let’s not forget that Ron Mahay, the supposedly air-tight reliever, is the one who let in the inherited runs.

[H]e’s not going to stop tinkering with his lineup. Nine games in and we’ve already witnessed eight different lineups. That’s standard baseball in Kansas City.

It’s also standard baseball for any manager who’s had both his starting RF and 3B head to the DL in the first week, and has a ballclub scoring the lowest runs in baseball. Who would you like to see in the lineup, Whitlock?? And I swear to God, if you say Trezelle Jenkins, I’m gonna just SNAP.

I’ve got a better game. Let’s try to figure out how he’s going to end this epic Pulitzer-winner:

1.) Mentioning Bo Jackson, the only other Royals player in history he knows

2.) Making up a rap nickname for Mark Teahen

3.) Eating Jose Guillen

4.) Bringing up the NFL for NO reason whatsoever

5.) Discussing the signability of Hannibal King

Managing a baseball game isn’t supposed to be like calling offensive plays in the NFL. Managers occasionally get to relax.

Damn…I was really hoping for Number 3…