Tag Archives: Tiger Woods Farts Just Like You and Me

REACT TO ME!!

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 02/19/2010 – 4:14pm
Filed under Non-Sports

Horray!!  Tiger Woods is back!!  Only he’s not!!  But he apologized!!  Only he didn’t really!!  But maybe he did!!  And he was really genuine!!  Except when he wasn’t!!  What a Fuck-Head!!  I mean, great guy!!

Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they??  The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History. 

I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes.  It was…well, what it was.  A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him.  (He was so sincere!!  Only, not!!)  Super. 

But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement.  Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen. 

This is gonna be great!!

Tiger Woods is a Real Boy.  A Real Boy!!  by Michael Rosenberg

“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”

Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today.  He simply said what needed to be said.  Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.

Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche.  This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of).  So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud.  And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.

Also, is “automaton” even a noun??

How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!!  by Bill Simmons

“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”

Okay, fair enough, I guess.  One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids.  What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??

“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”

So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way.  What an asshole!!

I could go on with Billy.  His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin.  Stick to what you’re best at, Bill.  Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.

Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!!  DIE!!  by Tommy Craggs

“This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”

Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!!  How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!!  And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!

“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”

I don’t know??  A front row seat to the story of the decade week??  Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah??  Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!? 

Jeezis, Tommy.  Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports. 

Now the kicker.  From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!!  What say you??

Hey Everybody!!  I’m About to Say Something Stupid!!  by Selena Roberts

“The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”

That fucker.  This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!!  Or that luger dying.  Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face.  Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics.  Nope, all Tiger’s fault.  What a dick.

“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”

This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

/slaps face

Well, sports fans.  That’s about it.  What’s that??  You want more of the double-exclamation point meme??  Sure!!

Great to see you in public again, Tiger!!  Or Robo-Tiger!!  See you at the Masters!!  Or not!!  Hey, Selena!!  Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!

I Slept With Tiger Woods

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 12/03/2009 – 5:00pm
Filed under Non-Sports

Hell, it’s probably true.  I don’t remember a thing after Alan gave us all Jaeger shots on the Caesar’s Palace rooftop.

Here is a list of things that I will not be talking about in this post:

1.) How weird it is that we’ve come to this place after a simple one-car accident.

 2.) Were Tiger Woods’ facial lacerations due to said car accident, or a physical altercation??

3.) What will the effect of this scandal be on his endorsement deals??

4.) My insight into the evolution of the market economy of the Southern Colonies.

And here’s why…because none of it is relevant to the discussion of Tiger Woods’ indiscretions.  Really.  None of it.  You can say, “Oh he’s such a family man…how could he do this!!” or, “His wife is so hot!!  What a dumbass!!” or, “Really??  Tool Academy chick??”*  But all you’re really doing is giving your observations on a train wreck, and really, the only salient observation on a train wreck is, “HOLY SHIT!!  Look at that fucking train!!”

* Here’s one thing I don’t get.  Now, I’m not a fan of the Tool Academy.  I don’t watch it with any regularity, and really have no desire to.  I’ve only seen bits and pieces, and here’s what I gather: the guys are even douchier than their appearance (which is mighty hard to believe, but it’s true), and have been going around, getting wasted, getting in fights, and trying (and succeeding) to get into the panties of underage girls.  These revelations are much to the chagrin of their girlfriends, who are on the show to get their men to stop diddling around on them.  There are even relationship counselors who help them build healthier relationships.

Again, I don’t watch the show, but wasn’t Jamiee Grubbs one of the girlfriends on the show??  And aren’t the girlfriends supposed to be the sympathetic figures to the rampant douchebaggery of their better halves??  And SHE’S the one banging Tiger Woods for the better part of three years?!?!  YOU OPPORTUNISTIC JEZEBEL!!  I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN REALITY TELEVISION!!!

Here’s the reason none of it matters: Tiger Woods is not human.  Not in the sense that you might think he is.  These professional athletes operate on a different plane than 99% of the population.  You know it and I know it.  In reality, I would have been more surprised to learn that he wasn’t getting his share of road beef.

All anybody is talking about these days is how his behavior runs counter to his squeaky-clean image, but that’s all it is, an image.  If it was reality, we wouldn’t call it an image.

Consequently, I cannot be the least bit surprised in the revelations of Tiger stickin’ his Woods in Grubbs’ Salad, Kalika Vision, or Pilsner Uchitel.*

* I swear, I think Jason Whitlock beamed that last sentence into my brain…

Now let me be clear: I am not defending his actions.  Not at all.  He’s got a wife, and children to worry about, and blah, blah.  But, again, HE’S NOT ONE OF US.  Professional athletes exist on a different plane than everybody else.  And, guess what??  So do their families.  They grow up with more privilege and opportunity than any of us can imagine.  The media scrutiny for them will be more than the majority of us as a consequence, but that’s the life of the child and wife of a superstar, and there’s nothing that can be done about that, no matter how many yachts named “Privacy” you buy.

I know a girl (which is to say that a friend of a friend works with her) that went to Florida when she was in college, went to a club, was spotted, sat in the VIP, and in the morning, woke up next to a very naked and very well-hung Michael Jordan.  This is the alleged story, and whether true or not, is entirely believable. This was, of course, when MJ was still married, and well before he started running a franchise into the ground or banging this chick.  The most implausible part of the story??  That she didn’t get double-teamed by him and Charles Oakley.

Point is, I can’t get all up in arms about how this goes against Woods’ squeaky-clean image, because that shit’s manufactured, and I can’t get all up in arms about how this will effect his endorsements and his golf game, because this shit won’t.

We were all shocked when Steve McNair’s Becky took him to the grave with her, and yet, despite Tiger being as unfaithful, I have heard not one person bring that up.  In other words, this will all blow over when Michael Phelps bangs a tranny hooker (or becomes one), when Ron Artest kills these puppies (It’s gonna happen), or when this happens again.  Until then, Tiger Woods is totally fucked…and yet, all is still right with the world…

Your Obligatory Report from River Falls

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 08/04/2009 – 3:55pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

In this time of great anguish, pining away at the throes of another disheartening eddy of suckitude in the river of baseball glory, we wait, us faithful Kansas City sports fans, for late July, and the opening of a week of great expectation, endless possibility, and men the size of houses wheezing thru two-a-days. Ahh, yes, it is time once again for the opening of NFL training camps; players toiling away under the hot sun, veterans linking mentally with newly brought-on “chums”, and coaches littering the eardrums of the surrounding enthusiasts with a never-ending barrage of four-letter words. Dreams; yet to be dashed. Promise; as yet unrealized. Effort; thick in its unbridled enthusiasm.

Alright. Enough of this Ernest Hemingway shit. I need to cleanse my palate.

There…that’s better*

* That link was originally the now infamous Tiger Woods fart video which the PGA has apparently erased LeBron-itized from the internernet’s collective unconscious.  So unfair.

For once in the past 20 years, the Chiefs and Royals, neighbors sharing a common parking lot, started their seasons on opposite ends of the spectrum. The Royals, coming off of a promising second half of 2008 looked like they were poised to make a run. The Chiefs, coming off of a shit-tastic 2008, need to start from scratch.

And not that that’s a bad thing. Enthusiasm in River Falls is tempered for a second straight year; most knowing full well that Arrowhead will not be playing host to the AFC Championship game come January. We all know that a new regime breeds analysis as soon as the players hit the field: How will Haley coach? When will Tyson Jackson sign? Will Jason Whitlock find enough to eat? (YES).

NFL Camps breed positive stories, and really, from afar, this camp seems to be going just about the way I expected. Haley will be more hard-core than Herm (ie: more F-Bombs). LJ and Brian Waters will show up and work hard. Cassell will take the reigns and look sharp. A free agent signing here. An injury there.

And, there’s always one player who gets sent to the proverbial doghouse.

A year ago, the chiefs saw Glenn Dorsey as the cog in an A+ draft. Some gurus had him as their top rated player. Nobody could believe he’d slip down to #5. On him and Branden Albert, the Chiefs had pinned their rebuilding hopes. Alas, a year later, Dorsey appears undersized, out of position, and out of shape.

After failing his initial conditioning test, Haley has had Dorsey pushing tackling dummies, hauling equipment and furniture, and riding a stationary bike while the rest of the team practices. There were six players in total who failed the test, and while the others have been able to make it back with their teammates, Dorsey has remained in purgatory.

It’s understandable that a new head coach would want to make an example of somebody, but it being the #1 pick from a year ago sends a serious message that nobody is immune from being held accountable, lest they risk public humiliation. On top of that, Haley is making it clear that this is not just a ceremonial benching:

“If you’re not on the field practicing, you can’t help me do my job.”

Ouch. Considering Haley is the man holding him off the practice field, it seems as if Dorsey has a long climb ahead of him. Not only does he have to make a strong impression on the new coaching staff and teammates, but he also has to convert from a DT in a 4-3 to a DE in a 3-4.

I don’t think anybody was asking Dorsey to step up and be the leader of the defense (at least not yet), but not being able to take advantage of PT to mesh with the now de-facto leaders, Zach Thomas and Mike Vrabel, has got to hurt.

Still, the lack of practice time might be more lip service than anything else. Tyson Jackson is not yet signed and with the team, and the responsibility for this falls right into the lap of Scott Pioli. Jackson is eager to sign and get into camp.

The reason for his not being there is not greediness on Jackson’s part, or a lack of willingness to sign, but rather Pioli waiting for Aaron Curry to sign with Seattle so that he can make sure the Chiefs don’t over-pay. So, according to the men in charge, saving a few bucks when you have plenty to spend is more significant than getting your first-rounder into camp. But I’m okay with that.

You figure there has to be some line drawn in the sand when the money issue becomes secondary to Jackson getting on the field, and once that line is crossed, Jackson will be signed.  This makes me think even more that Haley’s words are aimed directly at Dorsey. He’d just better hope he’s not still peddling when his old LSU teammate hits town.