No Royals game = No Royals loss. 

And I suppose that’s a good thing.  What’s not a good thing?  Having nothing to watch on television.  I mean, there was Big Brother of course, which was entertaining, but that’s about it.  (You’re effed, by the way, Ronnie). 

On most nights during this spring and summer I have had a pretty standard routine after work.  I come home, eat dinner, watch TV until about 10:00 or so, and then finally watch the Royals game that I have recorded.  I do this for a couple of reasons.  1. My girlfriend and I like to watch “our shows” during prime time.  Plus, despite being a baseball fan and a good sport, I know for a fact she doesn’t want to watch the blundering Royals.  2. This way I can fast forward through the commercials.  I mean, how many times can I watch an old man get hit in the head with a can of Keystone Light*?  There is only one commercial that I will stop the fast forwarding and watch, and that is the GEICO commercial where the cavemen are bowling to Three Doors Down’s “Let Me Be Myself”.   Classic.

*All I can think about when I see Keystone light commercials is “Key-Stone Me!”   This was a slogan we came up with in college.  When we would have big parties at the fraternity house, we would buy a lot of beer from a distributor.  We always got whatever they would sell us the cheapest.  One time is was Keystone, hence “Key-Stone Me!” or “Get Key-Stoned!”.   Other times it was Milwaukee’s Best.  But the ultimate was when we got Stroh’s.  You have no idea how many times I said the words “Stroh’s before hos”.  Ah, the reflections of a misspent youth.

Last night I was exhausted.  I came home, ate dinner, and immediately got in bed and fell asleep.  Sounds good right?  I mean, no Royals game; might as well get caught up on some rest, right?  Poor choice.  I woke up around 10, and was wide awake.  No chance I am going to fall asleep.  So I descended to the couch for a little bit.  Nothing on TV except for one of the greatest movies of all time…ready?  I’ll give you a hint:

The Navy calls it Fighter Weapons School.   The drivers call it…

TOP GUN

I love this movie.  End of story.  But, I have a few problems with it.  And since I don’t feel like writing about the Royals, Big Ben Rapelisberger, Lance Armstrong, or Michael Vick, this is what I am going with.

Problem 1: What happened to Cougar when he “turned in his wings”?

I mean, aren’t you locked into service for some amount of time?  Was he right at the point of re-upping?  You can’t just turn in your notice to the Navy after they have spent all the time and money training you to fly planes.  In Top Gun II – Sundown’s Revenge, the movie opens with Cougar explaining that he was quitting his new assignment of unclogging the latrines because he was ‘holding on too tight, and lost the plunger’.

Problem 2: How, if Top Gun training only lasts for 5 weeks, is it only for the top 1% of Naval Aviators?

How many pilots are there?  If they push 20 pilots through top Gun every 8 weeks, wouldn’t they churn through 1% in about 3 sessions?  I suppose they couldn’t disclose that because it wouldn’t sound nearly as prestigious as “You represent the top 84% of all Naval aviators.  The mediocre.  The best of the rest.”

Problem 3: If Jester is so awesome, why does he bail for the hard deck as soon as he is in trouble?

This should have been examined a little closer in the movie.  I think Maverick has a pretty good argument in Viper’s office.  As soon as the game turns against him, Jester is saying “I am taking my plane and going home”.  Pussy.

Problem 4:  Where did Sundown come from?

Is he an alternate or something?  Do they just have RIO’s sitting standby in Miramar waiting to see if someone dies?  God forbid you just let the pilot grieve.  It’s a five week course.  Goose dies, they collect all evidence, have a hearing, and then get him back in the plane in two days???  You know Sundown was just sitting on the tarmac before every hop eyeballing the RIO’s that were going up.  That has to be freaky.  It’s like training your replacement before you even get fired.

Problem 5: If there is a crisis halfway around the world, why do you have to summon for pilots at Top Gun?

There has to be more pilots around somewhere.  A ship is disabled, and drifting into enemy waters, and you are telling the captain of that ship that we should be there to help in 36 hours?  I can imagine that conversation:

Admiral: We’re on our way.

Captain: Okay, do you have an ETA

Admiral: Next Tuesday.

Captain: Um, why is this taking so long?

Admiral: We need pilots.

Captain: (downing another scotch) You have a whole aircraft carrier.  Don’t you have any pilots?

Admiral:  Yeah, but you don’t want these pilots.  They are in the bottom 99%.

Captain: (refilling the glass) Oh, well, you’re the boss I guess.  We’ll be floating here whenever you’re ready.

Problem 6: Did Hollywood feel like a Douche getting off the helicopter after the dogfight?

The look on his face as he jogs into the celebration on deck is one of uneasiness.  I mean, he lasted all of 30 seconds in the fight.  It would be like Conor Teahan getting carried off the court after KU won the National Championship.  Awkward.

Final Problem: Did “Charlie” take the promotion in Washington or not?

She’s there in the diner when Maverick finally returns.  That must have been months.  I mean, by the time Maverick is debriefed, gets his orders changed, moves to San Diego, and is working at Top Gun, don’t you think she would be long gone?  This one gets answered in the sequel.  Maverick hooks up with a grieving Meg Ryan.  Charlie sees them making out in the bar, and is furious.  She looks for revenge, and decides that the best thing she can do is screw Sundown.  Maverick decides he doesn’t want to take care of Goose’s kid, and bails on Meg.  He goes to Charlie’s house only to find Sundown banging his ex-girlfriend.  Charlie doesn’t see Maverick, but Sundown does.  Sundown looks dead at Maverick and says, “You could have had it man!  You could have had THIS man!”

The end. 

Now, back to Royals baseball.  Is it football season yet?