Shut up. Just shut up please about this whole “Opening Day is the hope-iest time of the year!!” crap. Not that I don’t care about baseball. It is great; America’s pastime and all of that George Plimpton-esque bullshit. Sure, you can read all of the aging sportswriter clichés and try to recapture your youth and the grandeur of the Great American Game. But please, don’t insult my intelligence.

Don’t tell me that The Royals have any chance.

Because we don’t. I’ve said it before that we don’t and, in case you didn’t hear me the first time: WE DON’T.

So I don’t want to hear it. I know what’s gonna happen even before it does. And what’s gonna happen is we’re gonna lose. A lot.

Now, I’m not going to go thru all of the reasons why we’re going to lose. I mean, all you have to do is look at the construction of the roster, and you can see it. No offense, no defense, no bullpen. We have three weapons at our disposal; three players who can be listed as above league average, and possible All Stars. Here’s how we decided to help them out yesterday:

1.) Zack Greinke

Ah yes, our once-every-five-day holiday. The most electric pitcher in the American League last year. The guy who had the lowest ERA since Pedro in 1999. All advanced statistics last year pointed to the fact that his year was great despite how awful our defense was. So, we spent the offseason “improving” that aspect of our roster.

First inning: Willie Bloomquist drops an infield popup with two outs that allows a run to score. In the Royal’s defense, Boom Boom was brought on to the team last year, so…at least it wasn’t Scott Podsednik’s fault??

2.) Joakim Soria

The Mexicutioner again had a brilliant year last year, despite Trey Hillman’s campaign for him to shred his shoulder ligaments into cole slaw. Soria was used for more two-inning saves last year than any other year of his young career (that’s good). Unfortunately, those opportunities were few-and-far between, forcing him to throw “cold” (that’s bad). The reason?? Dayton Moore trading away his reliable set-up men last off-season. So, really, the more dependable the bullpen, the more effective the closer.

Seventh Inning: Roman Colón, Robinson Tejeda and Juan Cruz. Jesus.

3.) Billy Butler*

* Billy needs a nickname. I say “The Big Stroker.” Why not?? We all like innuendo, right??

Big Stroker made history by achieving some Tim Kurkjain-ian goal of having over a certain number of one thing (doubles), while at the same time having over a certain number of another thing (homers), all-the-while being under a certain number of years old…though I can’t really remember what any of those numbers were. What I’m trying to say is that he’s good at the baseball.

Seventh Inning: After Billy had a two run, two out RBI single to extend the Royals to a 4-1 lead in the fifth, he sits on deck while Scott Podsednik (he’s your placesetter…really??) hits with runners on first and second and one out. Oh, and another thing: you are down four after the disaster that was the top-half of the seventh with an offense that is anemic at best. So, Pods comes thru with a single. Awesome.

Here’s what you want to do: Bring up your best hitter with the bases loaded i.e. a chance to tie the game with one swing.

Here’s what the Royals did: Sent Jason Kendall around third where he got gunned down.

Let me repeat that again, in all-caps: YOU SENT JASON FUCKING RUBBER-KNEES KENDALL HOME WITH YOUR BEST HITTER DUE UP NEXT YOU FUCKING RETARTED DIPSHIT AMATEUR FIST-FUCKING MORON.

Holy shit. Let the bullpen explode. Drop a pop-up. Fucking hit the cutoff man in the back. But please, PLEASE don’t trot Dave Owen out there and pretend that he should be anywhere near a major league roster.

Oh wait, this is the Royals.

I guess this there is one Opening Day saying that is still apt:

It’s Opening Day…and The Royals suck again.