I am brimming with confidence.  We’ve just demolished Dwayne Wade’s Marquette team to get to the NCAA Championship Game, and I’m sitting in Des Moines, IA, the backyard of Kirk Hinrich and Nick Collison, refugees from Tim Floyd’s departure form Iowa State who were swooped up by Roy Williams to help in bringing him his elusive first NCAA title. 

After valiantly falling to eventual champ Maryland the year before, it was our turn.  The previous three champs were laden with senior leadership: Mateen Cleaves and Mo Peterson’s Michigan State squad in 2000,  Shane Battier and Nate James’ 2001 Duke team and Juan Dixon and Lonny Baxter’s previously mentioned 2002 Terrapins.  Who were we playing??  A Syracuse team who’s leading scorer was a freshman, and who had only one starting senior, Kueth Duany, a forward averaging a scant 11 pts and 3 rebs per game. 

This was ours.

Two hours before the game, Hippolito Pichardo picks me up, and we head to DrugTown to get liquored the hell up for the game.  I couldn’t be more excited.  HP, like many of us is a superstitious fellow; he’s been wearing the same KU shirt for each tourney game, but that shirt is conspicuously absent from his shoulders as I hop into his car. 

“Dude,” he tells me, “You’ll never believe what happened.”  Apparently his fiancé’s sister’s dog took a huge shit on his shirt that afternoon. 

My first reaction is this.

My next is this.

With that, I knew…it was over.  We would loose, and in heartbreaking fashion.  It was after that game that my dad (an Illinois grad) clued me into the rumor that Roy would leave and would be replaced by Bill Self.

I still to this day don’t know how to feel about Roy Williams.  I couldn’t really feel that much rage over him leaving for North Carolina.  To be honest, I was more ticked about losing DeShawn Stevenson and Charlie Villanueva, recruits whose verbal commitments waved bye-bye along with Roy. 

Roy had never been a Kansas guy.  Like he said in his goodbye presser, he was a Tar Heel born and would be a Tar Heel dead…or something like that.  Jayhawk fans should hold more animosity for Dean Smith – who grew up in Emporia, who played under Phog Allen, who was a coach on the staff of the 1957 team that lost in triple overtime to North Carolina – for never coming home. 

Then, two years ago, we exorcized the demons.  We absolutely throttled his team in the final four, and then with Roy (and his giant Jayhawk sticker) watching on, we won the title.  I remember half of the KU fans assembled to watch the game booing Roy when he was interviewed at halftime wearing his allegiance to Kansas.  I wondered why.  We crucified the guy for the four-plus years since, and had just given him his pink slip from the tourney two nights earlier.  The way I saw it, we could use all the help we could get to keep another group of upper-classmen from losing to a freshman phenom again.

Since then, I’ve been indifferent.  I rooted for Michigan State in last year’s final, but out of rooting for the underdog, not because of some misplaced aggression toward Roy (or love for Tom Izzo, for that matter).  I root against North Carolina because I want KU to be #1.

Before the season started, the three most storied college basketball programs in history (sorry Indiana, UCLA and Duke) were all within distance of 2,000 all-time wins.  Kentucky, thanks to John Calipari, have already passed that milestone, doing so on Dec. 21^st this season.  Looking at the perceived strengths of UNC before the season started, there was no reason to believe that KU would reach that milestone before them.

Well…guess what…

UNC currently sits at 1997 wins with a 13-8 record this season. 

KU currently sits at 1990 wins with a 20-1 record.

Say it with me:

FUCK ROY

1.) The Chiefs surprisingly testicle-less draft plan

2.) Herm Edward’s best Emmit Smith impression

3.) The Royals un-surprisingly testicle-less offense

4.) Carl Edwards best Ricky Bobby impression*

5.) Ben Gordon’s testicles

Nope, we go with none of the above.

* Immediately following Edwards’s spectacular crash at the final turn at Talledega yesterday, I knew every single announcer would immediately start talking about how he exited the car and crossed the finish line just like Ricky Bobby. I was already sick of this before even a single one did. (Yes. Just like Ricky Bobby…hilarious. And yes, Stuart, that was re-donkulous.) As remarkable as NASCAR’s ascendance into mainstream America has been over the past few years, this just goes to show that instead of any driver, the average sports fan identifies more with a movie co-starring Dr. Steve Brule.

This post will center around the second most remarkable thing I figured out this weekend. Lost in all of the hullabaloo surrounding the NFL Draft, the NBA playoffs, and the Yanks v Red Sox was the news that X is heading to Larry-town.

To be honest, I’m a little nervous about this. There is an inordinate amount of talent on this team, and while I will usually defer to having more talent on the team, it’ll be tough to see how everyone is going to get their touches. Is it really beneficial to limit Mario Little and Travis Releford to mop-up duty?

So, my answer to this conundrum is this: we take one of the teams in the SEC, and replace all of their players with the players projected to come off the Jayhawk bench. Now I’m sure, if this little exercise were reversed, Nick Saban’s 2nd stringers could be easily win the Big XII North Football title, but I think it’s fair to say that the following lineup would more than likely take the regular-season and tournament crown for the cagers in the Dixieland Conference:

G Brady Morningstar

G Tyrel Reed

F Mario Little

F Travis Releford

F Markeiff Morris

Now, wouldn’t that be fun?? Yes. You know what would be more fun?? Trying to figure out what we could get in return:

Alabama: A buddy of mine’s wife is a huge ‘Bama fan. He jokes that the people in Alabama deify Nick Saban so much that they should call him “Coach God.” Well, good…maybe he can resurrect Derrick Thomas from the dead so that he can play for the Chiefs again.

Auburn: Judging from his time at Iowa State, new head football coach Gene Chizik is no God…maybe we can get Tommy Tubberville to resurrect Bo Jackson’s hip.

Florida: They should send us all of the women in the state of Florida who want to sleep with Tim Tebow, but who can’t because his Christianity prohibits him from premarital sex. Of course, this would make the population of Lawrence roughly that of Mexico City.

Georgia: Uga. I don’t know, though…too Jowly?

Kentucky:  John Callipari’s most prized recruit…oh, wait…we already got that.

LSU:  Any defensive linemen left that haven’t been drafted by the Chiefs.

Ole’ Miss: Andy Kennedy and an Indian cabbie to be named later.

Mississippi State: They play in the Egg Bowl vs. Ole’ Miss every year.  Insert your own testicle joke here.

Tennessee: Do I even have to say it??

Vanderbilt: Will Perdue’s jock strap, from which to hang Nick Collison’s retired jersey

Arkansas: Forget sending us anything…we’ll just throw in Mike Anderson for free.

South Carolina: Mascot name. Tell me you wouldn’t love hearing Bob Davis scream, “GOOOOOOD!!! That’s a three pointer, and the Cockhawks take the lead!”

Seems like a good place to end this post…on “Cockhawks.”