Sometimes you hear something that makes you think (A). Sometimes you hear something that makes you do a double take (B). And then, sometimes, you hear things that make you spit whatever you were drinking out all over yourself (C). I experienced all of these things during one single Royals broadcast. Allow me to explain.

The date was Sunday July 26th, the year of our Lord, 2009. It was about 9:30pm by the time I assumed my usual position on the couch, remote in one hand, and a fine chardonnay in the other to watch my beloved Royals take on a crafty power hitting team from Texas called the Rangers.

I actually had two games to watch because I had not watched Saturday’s game yet either. Since I had, unfortunately, stumbled upon the score of that game earlier in the day, I decided to start with Sunday’s game. If that game got out of hand early (which is a distinct possibility), I could always switch over and watch a sure thing.

The game started, and Sydney Ponson was pitching a gem*. I was thoroughly entertained with this 0-0 tie for a good 4 innings.
*By “gem” I mean pitching completely on the edge of disaster. All over the zone, out of the zone, no command on the breaking ball, hanging breaking balls that no one would swing at, walking batters, and somehow not giving up any runs. Catch the Fever!

Then, (A) happened.
(A) Trey Hillman had shaved off his moustache. Good God! That looks really weird. How can I take this man seriously? When he had the moustache, at least he looked like Virgil Earp from Tombstone. What was he thinking? I mean, he can’t honestly think that getting rid of the facial hair would work. We all know the wonders it did for Mike Jacobs.
I finally got over this line of thinking, and headed downstairs to have a cigarette. As I was walking back into my living room, (B) happened.

(B) Frank White – “They basically just let me play with myself.” Double take coming! What? Why on Earth would Frank White ever need to discuss this on a Royals broadcast. Don’t get me wrong; I have never been a stranger to world of self-gratification.* But why would Frank be discussing this with Ryan during a Sunday day game telecast? It seemed unnecessary. I rewound the recording to find that he was discussing the process of deciding which pose to use for the statue of him at the K. He was apparently given some latitude on the pose. Out of context, but still hilarious.
*Once in my fraternity days, I was asked by an older member how many times I “did the deed with myself” in a given day. I, being a freshman, and being intimidated, said something like ‘maybe once’. The older guy looked at me, called me a liar, and said ‘You gotta wake up, and you gotta go to bed, that’s two minimum right there.’ I stand corrected.
Once I stopped laughing at this (C) happened, and I spit cheap wine all over my shirt.

(C) “Hey kids, do you want to learn how to play like a Royal? Come on down to the Royals workshop and learn from the big leaguers how to run, hit, pitch and field just like the Royals! Visit the website at Royals.com/fundamentals!
I’ll allow that to set in…

Royals.com/fundamentals??? Really. I just watched the Royals in a 0-0 game, drop a routine fly ball to second, which resulted in how many runs? And you want me to pay money for my children to learn how to play like this?? Really? Really???
Why would you subject your children to this? I spend a lot of money on stuff, but paying for my kids learn to blow leads like Jamon Cruzahay; can you put a price on that? Maybe they can learn how to swing at pitches way out of the strike zone like Miguel Olivo. Or maybe, just maybe, they can learn how to not advance runners like, well, everyone on this team.
I am filing this one under “websites to avoid like the plague” along with
www.freemarketeconomy.gov/Obama
www.quitsmokingoptions.com/heroine
www.painrelief.com/rustynailintesticles
www.attractivewomen.com/nancypelosi

I wonder if the Yankees have a program like this that the Royals players could actually attend. I would check that link out. Or better yet…

www.Royals.com/FrankWhite/chokethechicken
Don’t visit that link at work. I warned you…