The date was Sunday July 26th, the year of our Lord, 2009. It was about 9:30pm by the time I assumed my usual position on the couch, remote in one hand, and a fine chardonnay in the other to watch my beloved Royals take on a crafty power hitting team from Texas called the Rangers.

I actually had two games to watch because I had not watched Saturday’s game yet either. Since I had, unfortunately, stumbled upon the score of that game earlier in the day, I decided to start with Sunday’s game. If that game got out of hand early (which is a distinct possibility), I could always switch over and watch a sure thing.

The game started, and Sydney Ponson was pitching a gem*. I was thoroughly entertained with this 0-0 tie for a good 4 innings.
*By “gem” I mean pitching completely on the edge of disaster. All over the zone, out of the zone, no command on the breaking ball, hanging breaking balls that no one would swing at, walking batters, and somehow not giving up any runs. Catch the Fever!

Then, (A) happened.
(A) Trey Hillman had shaved off his moustache. Good God! That looks really weird. How can I take this man seriously? When he had the moustache, at least he looked like Virgil Earp from Tombstone. What was he thinking? I mean, he can’t honestly think that getting rid of the facial hair would work. We all know the wonders it did for Mike Jacobs.
I finally got over this line of thinking, and headed downstairs to have a cigarette. As I was walking back into my living room, (B) happened.

(B) Frank White – “They basically just let me play with myself.” Double take coming! What? Why on Earth would Frank White ever need to discuss this on a Royals broadcast. Don’t get me wrong; I have never been a stranger to world of self-gratification.* But why would Frank be discussing this with Ryan during a Sunday day game telecast? It seemed unnecessary. I rewound the recording to find that he was discussing the process of deciding which pose to use for the statue of him at the K. He was apparently given some latitude on the pose. Out of context, but still hilarious.
*Once in my fraternity days, I was asked by an older member how many times I “did the deed with myself” in a given day. I, being a freshman, and being intimidated, said something like ‘maybe once’. The older guy looked at me, called me a liar, and said ‘You gotta wake up, and you gotta go to bed, that’s two minimum right there.’ I stand corrected.
Once I stopped laughing at this (C) happened, and I spit cheap wine all over my shirt.

(C) “Hey kids, do you want to learn how to play like a Royal? Come on down to the Royals workshop and learn from the big leaguers how to run, hit, pitch and field just like the Royals! Visit the website at Royals.com/fundamentals!
I’ll allow that to set in…

Royals.com/fundamentals??? Really. I just watched the Royals in a 0-0 game, drop a routine fly ball to second, which resulted in how many runs? And you want me to pay money for my children to learn how to play like this?? Really? Really???
Why would you subject your children to this? I spend a lot of money on stuff, but paying for my kids learn to blow leads like Jamon Cruzahay; can you put a price on that? Maybe they can learn how to swing at pitches way out of the strike zone like Miguel Olivo. Or maybe, just maybe, they can learn how to not advance runners like, well, everyone on this team.
I am filing this one under “websites to avoid like the plague” along with
www.freemarketeconomy.gov/Obama
www.quitsmokingoptions.com/heroine
www.painrelief.com/rustynailintesticles
www.attractivewomen.com/nancypelosi

I wonder if the Yankees have a program like this that the Royals players could actually attend. I would check that link out. Or better yet…

www.Royals.com/FrankWhite/chokethechicken
Don’t visit that link at work. I warned you…

*”look forward” may be a strong way of putting it.  It’s more like “looking forward to a colonoscopy.”

But I’ve realized that it is not the losses that bother me.  It’s not the way that they lose them that bothers me either.  It’s the fact that, for the most part, when someone comes up to bat, I know that they stink.  The personnel on this team are frighteningly bad.  It’s epically bad.  And then when analysts say things like, “there is nothing better in the minor league system.” I want to vomit.   So for fun this morning, I pieced together a new starting lineup from player we could have had.  By this I mean players that we already had once.  Here is what I have versus tonight’s predicted starting lineup.

Center Field:

Tonight – David DeJesus .256/.314/.414  7 HR 41 RBI

Could Have Been (CHB) – Carlos Beltran .336/.425/.527  8 HR 40 RBI

The power numbers are a little deceiving, but you know Beltran was a better fielder.   Tell me you wouldn’t make this trade straight up right now.  I dare you.

2^nd Base:

Tonight – Alberto Callaspo .298/.352/.455  6 HR 35 RBI

CHB – Joey Gathright .000/.000/.000  0 HR 0 RBI

Good Lord!  We haven’t had a decent second baseman in a while.  Does anyone have mark Grudzielanek’s number handy and some Alleve?

1^st Base:

Tonight – Billy Butler .290/.340/.449  8 HR 38 RBI

CHB – Raul Ibanez .312/.369/.669  24 HR 63 RBI

Obviously Butler is a good player, and should become a solid middle of the order guy.  But man did we miss the Ibanez thing.  Plus, he played in Seattle; which we LOVE…A LOT.

DH:

Tonight – Mike Jacobs .222/.296/.412  12 HR 30 RBI

CHB – Matt Stairs .283/.434/.517  4 HR 13 RBI

I haven’t liked Jacobs since he got rid of the facial hair.  Plus, I have always wanted to just sit and eat fried cheese curds with Stairs.  Just sounds like a good time.

3^rd Base:

Tonight – Alex Gordon .095/.269/.238  1 HR 3 RBI

CHB – Mark Teahen .294/.350/.447  9 HR 29 RBI

I don’t know what to do here (and frankly neither do the Royals).  Is Joe Randa in the house??  Joe??

Right Field:

Tonight – Jose Guillen .243/.315/.376  9 HR 37 RBI

CHB – Jermaine Dye .302/.375/.567  20 HR 55 RBI

This just makes me ill. 

Left Field:

Tonight – Mark Teahen .294/.350/.447 9 HR 29 RBI

CHB – Johnny Damon .276/.362/.510 16 HR 50 RBI

Eh, whatever?

Shortstop:

Tonight – Yuniesky Betancourt.250/.278/.330 2 HR 22 RBI

CHB – Angel Berroa .136/.174/.182 0 HR 1 RBI

I’ll reserve judgment on this one for now.  No I won’t.  Crap!!

Catcher:

Tonight – Miguel Olivo .244/.267/.476  13 HR 35 RBI

CHB – John Buck .211/.294.422 3 HR 19 RBI

How is it that we haven’t had a decent catcher in a decade?  Shouldn’t we have lucked into one on accident or something?

So there you have it.  I am not guaranteeing that my “fantasy team” would beat the Rays tonight.  But I can guarantee that I wouldn’t feel the level of despair I am used to while watching Mariners East baseball.  Take it for what it’s worth.  Oh, happy 29th birthday to Joe Lachky!  This last one is for you.

Ross “Blow your” Gload is batting .280/.345/.416 3 HR 15 RBI this season.

• Grienke throwing lazer beams and toying with Chi-sox batters with some chin music just for the hell of it.
• DeJesus hitting a home run 10 feet high.
• Hearing the phrase, “Olivo in a run down” (thanks Bellwether).
• Multiple sets of homemade “K” signs through out the stadium.
• A loud, energetic, drunken crowd on a Dancing With the Stars TV night or as we say in KC, a Monday night.
• Steven Wright is a Royals fan and is distracting me from the game.