Tag Archives: Jimmy Buffett

Weak 4 Picks

2
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 10/04/2009 – 10:33am
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

If any of you were attempting to make money by using these picks last week, I hope that you listened to be and not Bellwether.  One side note; my beloved Minnesota Wild opened the season last night against the Blue Jackets, and promptly laid and egg on the road.  That officially means that every single team that I like in any sports sucks.  It’s a sobering thought.  Please tell me that college basketball starts soon.  Please.    

BJ: HOUSTON (-9.5) vs. Oakland – Who would win the Quarterback battle in Oakland if it were between JaMarcus Russell, Paul Crewe and Shane Falco??  Easy.  They pick up Scott Bakula after week 2.  Logg: Houston’s defense is pretty much the only thing that can make Russell look good.  I’ll take the RAIDERS.

 BJ: NEW ENGLAND (-2) vs. Baltimore – The Ravens, the most dominant team of the young season is getting points??  Either Vegas loves the Pats too much (they do), or they’re not too dumb to look past the fact that two of Baltimore’s three games were against the Browns and the Chiefs.  Logg: New England just doesn’t look right.  Maybe it’s because their QB is in KC.  Just kidding.  Take the PATS

 BJ: Cincinnati (-5.5) vs. CLEVELAND – Do you think Brady Quinn got benched because of or in spite of this picture??  Logg: Here in Cleveland??  I didn’t even know we had a team.  Yeah, we got uniforms and everything.  It’s really great.…BENGALS

 BJ: Tennessee (-3) vs. JACKSONVILLE – Do you think Jeff Fisher will get fired because of or in spite of this wardrobe choice?? Logg: I didn’t think that the race for the number one pick would be between the Chiefs, the Rams, and the Titans.  TITANS bounce back.

 BJ: NY Giants (-8.5) vs. KANSAS CITY – Is 8.5 the line, or the over/under on the number of snaps it takes for Osi Umenyiora to make Branden Albert cry??   Logg: They gotta win sometime, right?  Right?  Keep the faith – CHIEFS

 BJ:  CHICAGO (-10) vs. Detroit – KC is 2 for their last 28.  With last week’s win, the Lions are 3 for their last 28…including a win over the Chiefs.  [Channeling my inner-Bill Simmons] I will now light myself on fire.  Logg: Lions go back to back and take this one straight up.  LIONS

 BJ:  WASHINGTON (-7) vs. Tampa Bay – You are 28th in the league in scoring offense, your coach is a major gash, and you just lost to the fucking Detroit Lions…so of course you’re a touchdown favorite!!  Did I look at the schedule wrong??  Are the ‘Skins playing the Chiefs this week??  Logg: How is Jim Zorn still employed?  Does he have naked pictures of Daniel Snyder?  Will he share, I mean…um…BUCS.

 BJ: INDIANAPOLIS (-10.5) vs. Seattle – ? (Bellwether chose to write nothing about this game)  Logg: How are you speechless after the Seahawks uniforms last week?  COLTS in a laugher.

 BJ: NEW ORLEANS (-7) vs. NY Jets – Know what would be hilarious??  If somebody made a #6 Jets jersey that had the name “DIRTY” on it.  I can’t be the first one to think of this.  Logg: I need Drew Brees to bounce back in a big way for the sake of my fantasy teams.  SAINTS

BJ: Buffalo (-2) vs. MIAMI – Dammit…I wasn’t the first one to think of that.  That completely took me out of the mood to tell a Jimmy Buffet joke…and I’m full of Jimmy Buffet jokes.  Logg: If the NFL decided to not play this game this week, how many people would notice? PHINS

 BJ: SAN FRANCISCO (-9.5) vs. St. Louis – “And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell your friends, that you placed a wager…on Kyle Boller!!!”  Logg:  Leonard Little killed someone while driving drunk.  I just wanted to remind everyone of that.  RAMS keep it close.

 BJ: Dallas (-3) vs. DENVER – ‘Cause Fuck Denver, that’s why… Logg: I can’t believe I am writing this for a second straight week.  Yeah!  Fuck Denver!  COWBOYS

 BJ:  PITTSBURGH (-6.5) vs. San Diego – OK, so Mike Tomlin, Darren Sproles and Jimmy Buffet walk into a bar……………….and Tomlin tells Sproles, “Get that parrot outta’ there!!”  Told you I’m full of Jimmy Buffet jokes.  Logg: Jimmy Buffett and Ben Roethlisberger walk into a bar.  Ben has a boat steering wheel attached to his penis……….Yar, it’s driving me nuts!  STEELERS roll.

 BJ:  MINNESOTA (-3.5) vs. Green Bay – Did you guys know that Green Bay used to have the Brett Favre??  It’s True!!  And now Minnesota has the Brett Favre!!  I know!!  Logg:  Did you know that I hate the fucking Vikings??  It’s True!! And the Packers are playing the Vikings!  PACKERS

Logg Last Week: 9-7

Logg Season: 24-24

Bellwether Last Week: 7-9

Bellwether Season: 7-9

Let the FIN Begin

0
Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 05/09/2009 – 10:21am
Filed under Non-Sports

Greinke’s awesome.  His fiancé is smoking.  The Royals have won six of seven.  They drew 32,000 fans to Tha Kaye on a Thursday afternoon.  BO-RING!!  I wish I could write something about it.  I really do.  And don’t get me wrong.  I love, love, LOVE what our “little team that could” is doing.  I have die-harded-ly followed these guys for the majority of my natural life.  I have the Royals 2005 schedule still to this day in my wallet with every W and L tabulated on the date the game was played.*  So I have decided not to analyze this season up to this point.  The only justice I would end up serving by doing that is dick & fart jokes, and lord knows these guys deserve much more than that.  Rob & Rany I am not.

* with August 9 completely blacked out with ink.  If you’re a true fan, you know why…and you will know because of that fact that I am one too.

Unfortunately, that leaves a little void in this commentarium.  Fortunately, sometimes the gods smile upon you with a little gem like this:

Dolphins home will be LandShark Stadium as part of deal with Buffett

Now I first heard of this crap-tacular stadium name on Wednesday’s edition of PTI.  In-between Wilbon telling me about Racquel Welch and Kornheiser telling me about American Idol (you know…sports), they mentioned the name, and I thought “stupid.” And that was that.  I figured it was some marketing stunt that was bound to fail.  Well, it is.  But the better part is that it is bound to fail more spectacularly that even I could have imagined possible.

Yesterday I clicked on the above link, and while the story was loading, several possibilities of what exactly it meant popped into my head in the form of questions:

1.) What in the hell is Warren Buffett doing purchasing a football stadium?

2.) Is Ajit Jain a really big Dolphins fan, and we just didn’t know it?

3.) Will the Nebraska Furnature Mart that Buffet will most likely replace the stadium with draw more fans than last night’s Marlins game?

Well, it turns out that the Oracle of Omaha is not the Buffett in the story. It’s much more hilarious than that. Nope…we’re talking about Jimmy Buffett. Yes…that one. There are several different things that I learned from reading this story.

- Fans of Jimmy Buffett are called “Parrotheads.” See, and all this time, I was thinking they were called “Slacks-layden douchebags,” and if they were male and under 50, they were called “gay.”

- Buffett penned a new song called “Fins” in tribute to the Dolphins (Get it?). It was better than the first title: “Nick Saban go to hell.”

- Dolphins owner Stephen Ross said, “We’re going to be associated with Jimmy Buffett forever…That’s what the important thing is.” There’s no joke here…I think the quote suffices.

- The stadium is named after Buffet’s beer Slacks-layden Douchebag  Lager LandShark Lager.

Buffet ended his statement to the media by saying “All I can add is, let the Fin begin!” Jimmy Buffet + aquatic puns = winning football. Unless he meant “Fin” in the way they end French films. In which case, the end is nigh…but, of course, that is evidenced by the fact that they are renaming Joe Robbie Stadium after Jimmy Buffett’s beer. What are they going to do at halftime?? Have Garth Brooks sing “Friends in Low Places” on the jumbo-tron??

…and you wonder why the terrorists hate us…