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New Year – New Season!
Conor Jay and Big Pat talk with head writer Bellwether Johnson on Frank “The Tank” Martin and the team as a whole, KU’s scare against Baylor, and why MU sucks (Sorry Steve).
Tag Archives: Jason Whitlock
Frank Martin Makes Me Want To Pee My Pants
Filed under Local College
“What does this win mean to me?? It means we won a game on January 18th. Look, these guys should be proud of the effort they showed tonight, but on Wednesday, they’d better come ready to compete with the same intensity or I WILL DESTROY THEM in practice.”
-Frank Martin after K-State’s win over Texas
Christ, he’s terrifying.
We practice a lot of homerism here in this site. But we can. It’s not like we’re journalists or anything. And other than Asian Schwab, we all pretty much follow the straight path of what I believe is the plurality of KC Sports fans. That is, we follow and root HARD for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks Basketball. I don’t think we need to apologize for it, but that doesn’t mean that I have to look at KC sports thru any prism other than what a specific sporting event will mean to the teams listed above.
So, with that said, I can say without trepidation that I am completely and utterly horrified of this K-State team. They are big, they are brash, and they don’t give a FUCK. They’re like a hockey team out there, and if there were boards on the court, rest assured they’d pull a Sutton/Dupuis any chance they could.
Not to say they’re dirty. No, they simply play with an attitude that they are going to be more physical than you in every single aspect of the game. They committed 32 fouls against Missouri. They committed the same against Colorado, and the Buffs retaliated with 36 of their own, making it the most heavily foul-called basketball game in Big XII history.
While that many fouls might not mean smart basketball, it certainly does mean that K-State is playing a brute style that might not be the most pleasant to play against; at least it wasn’t to Texas on Monday, and certainly won’t be for Kansas in the upcoming Big XII season. And that’s a reflection on their coach.
Picture this: a young, under qualified coach comes into a head coaching position with almost no relevant experience. He his thrust into this position mostly for who he knows more than what he can do, and is probably more a product of the players he coached than they of him. On top of that, he’s a hothead. He constantly yells at, berates and belittles his players, often times on the playing field. He’s ornery with the media, and lackluster when he doesn’t have superior players at every position. Oh, and Jason Whitlock hates him.
Sounds familiar, huh?? But it’s not Todd Haley I’m talking about. Noooooo. I happen to be talking about Frank Martin. Remember this??
“The Wildcats are being swallowed by the enmity, paranoia and feeling of victimization that permeates the K-State fan base and fuels…Frank Martin’s coaching style.”
Or this gem??
“All the game-day, over-the-top negative energy/vulgarity directed at the refs, the opposition…is undermining the Wildcats’ growth.”
And now this:
“[Martin] has a chance to be the Latino/Brown/Cuban John Thompson, college basketball’s groundbreaking Hispanic coaching star.”
Excuse me??
Those first two quotes were from columns that Whitlock wrote in Martin’s first season in Manhattan (since deleted from kansascity.com…nice archive, guys). The last was from today’s paper, imploring new K-State AD John Currie to sign Martin to an extension.
So what’s the difference??
Winning. That’s it, plain and simple. It doesn’t really matter what type of coach you are, as long as you win, nobody cares what you do. Hell, you could shit in a towel as long as you’re tallying points in the “W” column.
When looking at coaches, it’s important not to look at the reasons why a coach might not be successful, but rather to look at why he is successful.
In the case of both Martin and Haley, Whitlock as focused so intensely on the first that he has forgotten about the latter. Martin yells and screams, but he relates to his players. Haley yells and screams, but has a great eye for talent, and knows exactly what he needs out of his players. There is a reason why these guys were hired. They know how to coach.
Trust me, the tide will turn for Haley when he gets legitimate talent to work with. In the mean time might I suggest the beard??
Hell, it seems to be working for RobertoClementeVinceLombarti Martin. And like I said before…terrifying.
Now Let’s All Irrationally Raise our Hopes for the 2010 Kansas City Chiefs
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs
Got this text from poscast contributor Daniel at 6:24 last night:
“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but spank the donkeys @ mile high & crush their hopes of making the playoffs. I’ll take it.”
I concur, with several “fuck”s and “yeah”s sprinkled in, though I my mass “Horray Chiefs!” text would have gone something like:
“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but avoid Whitlock whining about Scott Pioli and Todd Haley for at least another week. I’ll take it.”*
* In fact, if you were following @BWetherJohnson or @KCSportsPodcast on Twitter (plug!!), you would have gotten it
And so ends the 50th season of Kansas City Chiefs football, a season that will be known primarily for three things:
1.) The Chiefs sucking
2.) Todd Haley being an asshole
3.) The Chiefs sucking
The reason for pointing out the texts/tweets at the beginning of the column is that it does feel good to go out a winner. Even if it was against a Denver team that was decidedly more putrid than what their record after six weeks looked like.
Looking at the analysis of the game from a Chiefs perspective at first put a damper on the good feelings that I had acquired while watching the game.
Final nine weeks:
BRONCOS:
Record: 2-7
Off yards: 330
Def yards: 339
CHIEFS:
Record 3-6
Off yards: 392
Def Yards: 341
At first glance, I thought, “Oh…well, that’s not so impressive. The Broncos were at least as bad, if not worse than us. We should have won the game.”
Then…well, wait a minute…did I just say??
That’s right, we should have won the game. In this historically awful season of retartedly putrid football, the Chiefs were actually (or at least should have been) favored to win a game…and they actually pulled together and did.
Early in the season, we were (well, me in particular) resigned to downplaying any significance of the Chief’s play due to the fact that they were playing with Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards’ collection of shit boxes. There wasn’t, I contended, any real way to determine the improvement of the players on this particular team due to the fact that most of them would be replaced by better players before the team turned the corner and actually started winning again.
Well, it looks like maybe the improvement was there after all, and there are some legitimate pieces to build on. That, coupled with a full slate of draft picks and an entire year of scouting under their belt, I would say what looked impossible for Haley and Pioli a few scant weeks ago might actually transpire: the Chiefs might actually compete before 2015.
Of course, feel free to bookmark this and send it to me after Haley is fired after starting next season 0-5 and Jack Harry is reporting he knifed a hobo under the Paseo Bridge.
There are no magical ways for a bad football team to get better overnight. The Chiefs still have a long, long road ahead of them, but if you would have asked me to pick any Chiefs team in the past nine years to go into Invesco Field (which opened in 2001) and beat a Broncos team that was playing for their playoff lives, this team would have been on the bottom of my list. And this team is the only Chiefs team to do that.
That, as they say, is why they play the games. And that, as they say, is why when you start using Chris Berman schtick, it’s time to end the column.
Jason Whitlock is fat!! Byesers!!
Week In Review Grab Bag
Filed under Local College
– Programming Note:
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Time for a Week in Review Grab Bag!! Let’s see what we find!! (I hope it’s a Zhu Zhu Pet!!)
Nebraska + Iowa = Kansas
Looks like Lew Perkins was resigned to take his third choice thrilled to hire former Nebraska QB and Buffalo head coach Turner Gill. Gill has been listed as one of the “Neat’o Awesome Up-And-Coming Coaches” (official title) for the past couple of years. He’s had some moderate success at a place where nobody expects even moderate success, and took Buffalo to their first bowl game ever.
These are all (yawn) good things, but what most people are talking about is the crack staff of assistant coaches that Gill has assembled to serve on his staff.* These names include such also-rans as Carl Torbush and former Iowa QB Chuck Long.
* ”Serve on his staff”…This sounds a lot dirtier than it should…
Many are hoping that the recruiting trail will open up a little wider* with both on board, because, you know, nothing says Kansas Football like former Iowa and Nebraska Quarterbacks!! Still, from experience, people in Iowa are fucking crazy. Chuck Long’s name still holds a shit ton of water down here, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to convince a corn-fed half-ton youngster to take the trek to Lawrence, KS than it is to get him to go to either Buffalo or San Diego.
* “The recruiting trail will open up a little wider” …This also sounds a lot dirtier than it should…
Oh, and I’d be remised if I didn’t mention Whitlock’s take.
If you’re scoring at home:
Turner Gill: “I’ll give [him] two years before offering a strong opinion.”
Todd Haley: “Fuck that guy”
Trey Hillman: “Who??”
My advice, Turner?? Invite Ole’ Whitty over for a nice all-you-can-eat buffet before the season so that you can butter him up. You don’t want to face the wrath of a Whitty scorned. And if that fails?? I’m sure Charles Barkley will be more than willing to take you up on your offer.
High Powered Recruits + Overmatched Opponents = Kansas
It’s that time of year again!! Snow on the ground?? Check. Fifty point victories?? Check. Sherron Collins trying to shed the last few pound of off-season McDonalds weight?? Check and mate.
It’s College Basketball Season!! Yeeay!!
It’s a little hard to tell about these Jayhawks. They are absolutely rolling right now, and if not for a single renegade Texas vote, they’d be a unanimous #1. Now, traditionally, there’s not much to be said for CBB before January, and KU’s pre-Big XII season in the past hasn’t been filled with heavy-hitters either, but this season is particularly void of nearly any competition.
Really, the only time KU has struggled this year was against Memphis, and boy was that scary. As down as Memphis is talent-wise this year, they’re still the most formidable opponent they’ve faced this year, and they just barely squeaked it out.
Still, with as bad as their pre-conference schedule is this year, the Big XII itself is looking better and better. Mizzou is always a tough out and only two years removed from an Elite Eight run. K-State is no longer an afterthought, and back in the Top 25. Texas Tech is finally buying into Knight Jr.-ball. Even Iowa State is improved; returning their top scorer for the first time in five years. Looks like the conference is bound to give the KU steamroller some speed bumps this winter…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing…
Also, is this a bad time to mention that I had a dream last night that KU was beaten by Wisconsin in the second round of the tourney in a game in which Cole Aldrich scored only five points?? Also (in real life) I already have tickets to go with HP to the Midwest Regional Final in St. Louis in March.
OK…I’ll shut up now…
Mizzou + Big Ten = Cash Cow
The Big Ten, as they do every couple of years, has made some noise this week by stating that they will be looking at the possibility of adding a twelfth team to the conference, or as I like to call it, “Shit, we’re insignificant after Thanksgiving…let’s stir the pot.”
The usual names of Pitt and Notre Dame, of course came up, but one, Missouri, might sound surprising. Missouri, after all, is not viewed as a traditional Big Ten school. But take this into consideration.
Plus for Mizzou: The Big Ten Network has been a financial boon for the conference, with the proceeds split between all conference members. The Big XII TV Contract with FSN is heavily geared toward the southern half of the conference. Also, they already have a natural Big Ten rival in Illinois. Not quite the Border War, but an established rivalry none-the-less.
Plus for the Big Eleven: Despite gaining another team for the purposes of hosting a conference championship game, the Big Ten would figure to expand their reach to not one but two metropolitan areas; St Louis and Kansas City. Oh, sorry…that’s $t. Loui$ and Kan$a$ City.
But, it being college athletics and all, it probably makes WAY too much sense for anybody to actually go for it.
I Slept With Tiger Woods
Filed under Non-Sports
Hell, it’s probably true. I don’t remember a thing after Alan gave us all Jaeger shots on the Caesar’s Palace rooftop.
Here is a list of things that I will not be talking about in this post:
1.) How weird it is that we’ve come to this place after a simple one-car accident.
2.) Were Tiger Woods’ facial lacerations due to said car accident, or a physical altercation??
3.) What will the effect of this scandal be on his endorsement deals??
4.) My insight into the evolution of the market economy of the Southern Colonies.
And here’s why…because none of it is relevant to the discussion of Tiger Woods’ indiscretions. Really. None of it. You can say, “Oh he’s such a family man…how could he do this!!” or, “His wife is so hot!! What a dumbass!!” or, “Really?? Tool Academy chick??”* But all you’re really doing is giving your observations on a train wreck, and really, the only salient observation on a train wreck is, “HOLY SHIT!! Look at that fucking train!!”
* Here’s one thing I don’t get. Now, I’m not a fan of the Tool Academy. I don’t watch it with any regularity, and really have no desire to. I’ve only seen bits and pieces, and here’s what I gather: the guys are even douchier than their appearance (which is mighty hard to believe, but it’s true), and have been going around, getting wasted, getting in fights, and trying (and succeeding) to get into the panties of underage girls. These revelations are much to the chagrin of their girlfriends, who are on the show to get their men to stop diddling around on them. There are even relationship counselors who help them build healthier relationships.
Again, I don’t watch the show, but wasn’t Jamiee Grubbs one of the girlfriends on the show?? And aren’t the girlfriends supposed to be the sympathetic figures to the rampant douchebaggery of their better halves?? And SHE’S the one banging Tiger Woods for the better part of three years?!?! YOU OPPORTUNISTIC JEZEBEL!! I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN REALITY TELEVISION!!!
Here’s the reason none of it matters: Tiger Woods is not human. Not in the sense that you might think he is. These professional athletes operate on a different plane than 99% of the population. You know it and I know it. In reality, I would have been more surprised to learn that he wasn’t getting his share of road beef.
All anybody is talking about these days is how his behavior runs counter to his squeaky-clean image, but that’s all it is, an image. If it was reality, we wouldn’t call it an image.
Consequently, I cannot be the least bit surprised in the revelations of Tiger stickin’ his Woods in Grubbs’ Salad, Kalika Vision, or Pilsner Uchitel.*
* I swear, I think Jason Whitlock beamed that last sentence into my brain…
Now let me be clear: I am not defending his actions. Not at all. He’s got a wife, and children to worry about, and blah, blah. But, again, HE’S NOT ONE OF US. Professional athletes exist on a different plane than everybody else. And, guess what?? So do their families. They grow up with more privilege and opportunity than any of us can imagine. The media scrutiny for them will be more than the majority of us as a consequence, but that’s the life of the child and wife of a superstar, and there’s nothing that can be done about that, no matter how many yachts named “Privacy” you buy.
I know a girl (which is to say that a friend of a friend works with her) that went to Florida when she was in college, went to a club, was spotted, sat in the VIP, and in the morning, woke up next to a very naked and very well-hung Michael Jordan. This is the alleged story, and whether true or not, is entirely believable. This was, of course, when MJ was still married, and well before he started running a franchise into the ground or banging this chick. The most implausible part of the story?? That she didn’t get double-teamed by him and Charles Oakley.
Point is, I can’t get all up in arms about how this goes against Woods’ squeaky-clean image, because that shit’s manufactured, and I can’t get all up in arms about how this will effect his endorsements and his golf game, because this shit won’t.
We were all shocked when Steve McNair’s Becky took him to the grave with her, and yet, despite Tiger being as unfaithful, I have heard not one person bring that up. In other words, this will all blow over when Michael Phelps bangs a tranny hooker (or becomes one), when Ron Artest kills these puppies (It’s gonna happen), or when this happens again. Until then, Tiger Woods is totally fucked…and yet, all is still right with the world…
Steel-ing a Victory (It’s a Pun, Get it!?!?)
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs
I spent yesterday furniture shopping. That’s right. A Sunday in the middle of November walking the vast aisles of cherry wood and leather that is the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center in Urbandale Iowa. I forwent NFL week 11 to look for dining room tables and area rugs for my new place, and help my roommate find a new mattress*
* Which led to the inevitable “two straight guys lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes” which led to the inevitable, “two straight guys nearly getting kicked out of the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center for lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes.”
I was not watching football, no sir. I was lost in the intoxicating madness of zero-percent interest for 24 months and pre-holiday shopping madness. I didn’t even realize that football was going on until I walked past the HDTV department and saw Brett Favre laughing on the sidelines at the end of the Vikings game (he’s like a kid out there!!), at which point, I decided to open up my cell phone, and see how hard the Chiefs got spanked.
The next two minutes went like this: “Wait…what?? That’s gotta be a misprint. Overtime?!?!” I called my dad and he regaled me with like play-by-play beginning with Jovan Belcher’s tackle of Mendenhall on third down. I shrieked so excitedly when Succop kicked the game-winner, that I got more stares than when I was demonstrating the superiority of the Sealy Posturepedic to the Simmons Beautyrest re: the doggystyle position.
So what’s there to say?? How can I possibly analyze a game that I didn’t even have a vested enough interest in to watch?? Well I can’t…really. Alls I know is from looking at highlights and statistics, which tell the story of a team that got lucky to the tune of a 97-yard kickoff return and a 94-yard interception return. But, they still won the game.
I like to view sports thru a statistical lens. Don’t tell me how much “poise” a QB has, or how much “heart” a defense plays with. Those are made-up things that manifest themselves by way of sportswriters who can’t think of anything better to write. Give me something concrete that I can sink my teeth into.
By that rationale, it doesn’t seem like the Chiefs are getting any better. Sure they won, but statistically they got their asses handed to them. They can’t win week-in, week-out with the group of flunkies they keep trotting out. We already know this. The stats say so.
But, there was one thing that I saw in the highlights this week that made me go, “Hmmm.” It was something that was beyond the boxscore, beyond the statistics, and something that I think the Chiefs can truly build on. At the end of the game, Succop’s field goal sailed thru the uprights, about a dozen Chief’s players immediately went to Todd Haley to give him a bearhug.
So much as been said about Haley being an asshole*, and most of it is probably true. Thing is, when the Chiefs do succeed, it seems as if they gravitate toward him. And it doesn’t seem as if it is being done in a sarcastic, “we won despite you being a jackass,” sort of a way. It seems as if it’s being done in a, “I know you drive us hard, but man, that makes the payoff that much more sweet,” sort of way. And on top of that, it looked like he actually enjoyed it!! When Dwayne Bowe dropped a bucket of Gatorade on his dome after his first win in DC, he looked like Haley was about to rip his head off.. .
* Seriously. Googlefish ‘Todd Haley is.’ The only thing that pre-populates is ‘a jerk.’
And I hate writing stuff like that, because it is not statistical. It’s not concrete. There is no smile/frown ratio to reference when making that point.
Still, if a miracle win against a team that thoroughly destroyed you in every was is what is needed for a team to trust their hard-driving head coach, than so be it.
Hell, he’s even got Jason Whitlock convinced…though I don’t know if that’s just because Whitty’s too exhausted from writing three whole columns in the past week to write anything else…too bad there’s not a stat for that.
A*Holes Collide: Haley v. Whitlock
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs
One of the cruel twists associated with writing a sports blog, is that when things of a sporting nature happen, you have to give a take, even when you don’t want to. This is especially true if you write for a very specific section of sport, whether that be idiocy, fishing in Texas, or Herm Edward’s (fake??) perm. Therefore, for every significant happening in the world that is Kansas City sports, people expect an opinion. So that’s what we try to bring you.
Sure, we try to enhance it with the tinsel that is unique perspective, sarcasm, and fart jokes, but in actuality, there are not a whole lot of difference in factual content between what you can read here, and what you can get at, say the Kansas City Star.
Unless you’re talking about Jason Whitlock.
If you are talking about Big Sexy, then you’re talking about an agenda driven writer who has no regard for how things work out on the field, and will twist the realities of any given event around his own pre-drawn conclusions. Par exemplar could very well be today’s article: Haley’s Coaching Performance Was Embarrassing.
Now, I agree that it was not good. There were mental mistakes, coaching and personnel errors and suspect play calling. Todd Haley was part & parcel to a discomforting result from Arrowhead Stadium, but it was far, far, FAR from the worst coaching performance anyone has ever seen.
Whitty points out three factors – arrogance, flawed logic and lack of self-control – as being reflective on Haley in the Chief’s bungle, and goes out to provide exactly zero pieces of evidence to back up any of the three planks of his thesis of idiocy.
So, Jason…how did Haley’s arrogance get the best of the Chiefs Sunday?? What’s that?? Nope, a careful pun on Pioli’s last name (Ego-li…get it!!) won’t suffice here!! But he is arrogant. Just ask Jason.
“The arrogance is toxic and counterproductive to winning.”
You see??
“Let’s hope Todd Haley spent Sunday night standing in front of a mirror, screaming at himself.”
Just like he does with his players!!*
* I’ve been looking for a transcript for what Haley was yelling at Brodie Croyle after he was unable to snap the ball after a timeout in week 1, and was flagged for Delay of Game. I don’t know exactly what it was, but from what I can remember from the CBS cameras, and from what little lip-reading experience I have, I think it went something like this: “Jesus Christ Brodie!! Snap the fucking ball!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!! Has anybody ever told you that you look like Demitri Martin??”
So, yelling at your players = arrogance. And, if they fuck up royally, they had better hold themselves accountable by, I don’t know, admitting and taking the full weight of the performance of the football team. Too bad Haley is too arrogant to do that.
“We’re going to have a smart team here…how the half ended, I’d say [I didn’t coach smart]. I’m the leader of this football team, and when you have the ball in an area where you can score points and you don’t get points, it’s all going to fall on me.”
BAH-Huhhhhh??? He took responsibility for the loss?? But I thought he was arrogant and dickish?!?! I mean, Jason Whitlock said so!! I don’t get it. I thought Vic Vinegar was coaching the team, Whit, but you’re right…only an A-Hole would say that he’s the leader of a football team. What an un-self-controlable prick!!
And let’s not forget that the chiefs have cut or traded 31 players from last year’s roster and only THREE of them currently reside on NFL rosters, and one of them is Tony Freaking Gonzalez. Nope…not important. Right, Jason??
“[Pioli and Haley are] so caught up in establishing all the little ‘intangibles’ they think create a winning environment that they’ve lost sight of the fact that players win football games — not head coaches or general managers.”
Wait, but…no, I …room spinnin…[bzzzzzbzzzzz] *smack*
[wakes up three hours later]
Sorry, I was having a dream where I was reading a Jason Whitlock column in which he was laying down scant evidence to his claim that Todd Haley (and Scott Pioli) being an asshole (to him) was the reason the Chiefs lost to the Raiders. Then, while placing the modicum of blame on his ass-holic shoulders, he said something to undercut his entire argument by stating that it’s the players, and not the jackass coach that actually play the games, but the players are reflective of the coach, and if he’s an A-hole then it reflec…uh oh…[bzzzzzbzzzzz] *smack*
[wakes up three hours later]
Sorry, I was having a dream where I was on a fishing trip with Chris Daughtry and he was eaten by a manatee (maybe I should do this more often).
You see what happened, Jason?? You see what happens when you try to trap me in your maze of pretzel logic?? I can only imagine the vitrol had Whitty been a columnist in Dallas 20 years ago when they went 1-15 and Jimmy Johnson, the architect to the biggest collective group of Assholes ever assembled (the Miami teams of the late 80’s) replaced a LEGEND in Tom Landry.
Now, I’m not saying that we’re going to go out and draft three first-ballot Hall of Famers or anything (unless the Vikings want to give us six draft picks for Larry Johnson…please??), but Jeezis man, these things take time. What I saw on Sunday was a bad football team, and bad football teams find ways to lose.
But what I also saw was a young QB in Cassel really taking the reins of the offense, and when granted the request of having the game placed on his shoulders, succeeded. I saw a head coach frustrated by the shortcomings of his players, but also showing genuine excitement for the same ones when they succeeded. Much in the same way that many missed the boat in thinking that the Baltimore game was a success, many have missed the boat in thinking this one was an abject failure.
If you think that the current regime is not the right one, fine, but you had better have more than circumstantial evidence, and you’d better give it more than two freaking games. Or how about the Chiefs invite Jason Whitlock to his own personal all-you-can-eat buffet in Pioli’s suite next game?? At least maybe that’ll save the rest of us by discouraging him to write shit like the shit that I read at kansascity.com/sports this morning.
Were We Watching the Same Game??
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs
Wow. That was bad. No, I mean it. It was really bad. I mean, good sweet lord jumpin’ baby-bumpin’ Jeebus that was bad. Not only did we get crushed in every statistical category, not only did we move the ball laughably and fail to get off the field on Third Down, not only did we…well play poorly in every aspect of the game, but we kept the score close enough for people to believe that we are actually decent; that we can [channeling my inner-Jaworski here…wait for it] compete in the National Football League.
The fact that we were tied with just over two minutes left was a testament to how fluky the game of football is, not how good the Chiefs are…because they are not. Good, that is. They are bad. Really bad. The Ravens played half-hearted football for most of the game. There is a saying that in professional sports, you should try not to play to just “flip the switch” and ratchet up the intensity when you need to. Well, that only goes for when you’re playing a good team. As stated before, the Chiefs are not a good team.
This game reminded me of a Big XII basketball game at Allen Fieldhouse with Baltimore playing the role of Kansas, and the Chiefs playing the role of the under-manned conference foe (Colorado, K-State, Nebraska…any Big XIII opponent, really). What happens every time?? KU gets out to a scorching start; the opponent somehow hangs around and claws back, and in the last five minutes?? Collins for three, Aldrich with a block and an And1 on the other end, and KU wins by a dozen, four starters were in double figures, and they held the opponent to 32% from the field.
The Ravens got off to a great start, played half-assed for three quarters, and turned it up when they needed to. Just as I would advise the Royals front office to look at the stats to make a determination on the ability of the team, I ask you to do the same for the Chiefs:
Yard differential: 313 yards
Play differential: 44 plays
Rushing differential: 169 yards
TOP differential: 19:38
I could go on. Listen, credit the Chiefs for catching a few breaks, but did anybody expect them to cash them in?? Blocked punts and 70-yard interception returns are strokes of luck, not something to count on. Without them, the score would have been more akin to what we all expected, but because we got them, people were all too quick to look past the overwhelming statistical evidence pointing to the fact that we got throttled.*
* I hooked up to 101 The Fox online to listen to the post-game analysis, and seriously, I shit you not, it took 45 minutes before there were any substantive thoughts on the game. Sure, there were updates on games in progress, and reminders that the Post Game Show was right around the corner, but NOTHING until almost an hour after the game, and at that point it was Mitch Holtus at the Baltimore airport sounding like he had more important things to do than talk about the Chiefs, which I never thought I’d say about Mitch Holtus. Of course, I think he had just got done getting probed by airport security due to the fact that Led Dawson gave him a handful of Xanax after the game, and he forgot that he had it in his pocket.
One more thing about the Fox broadcast:
Dear Tompkins Industries,
Just how many Original Equipment Manufacturers are listening to your average Chiefs game?? 10?? 15?? Is it really necessary to let us know twice every fucking commercial break that you have the Midwest’s largest supply of hydraulic hoses and gaskets?? REALLY?? HOLY SANTA CLAUS SHIT!! FUCK ME!! Tompkins, you’ve done it again!! Fuck you, and fuck your showroom on Olathe.
Let’s not kid ourselves. This is a bad football team, and they are going to continue to be bad. Carl Peterson left the cupboard so incredibly devoid of talent that it is going to take years to build any kind of a football team to play at Arrowhead Stadium. But we knew that coming in. Sure we were missing the main cogs of our offense and defense, but am I to expect that that would have helped anything??
The thing that pisses me off it the chatter that this was a good first step for the Chiefs; that this was a moral victory, something to build on. I thought we were past that point. The comments by the coaching staff seemed like they were pleased that we were in the game until the end, then took a look at the stat sheet, and were summarily in disbelief that we were as close as we were. I have a feeling their tune will change once they take a look at the film.
At least I expected Whitlock, with his Hater-ade propensity, to lash the good coach Haley, but he seemed dumbfounded that we were actually in it for most of the game. It’s as if he said, “Well, hey…at least we didn’t get our asses kicked.” Um, well…yes, we did. And if you don’t think we did, then I have a shortstop I’d like to trade you for your top-pitching prospect.
Jason Whitlock Likes His Asses Fat…Just Not That Fat
Filed under Non-Sports
It can be a lot of work running around cyberspace every day. There are lots of words, pop-up ads, and “work” that get in the way…also there’s lots of words. Thankfully, here to help us thru all the gluttony of letters and syntax is SI.com.* You see, handy-dandy Sports Illustrated has given us a way to cut our reading time (nearly) in half by presenting Story Highlights.
* Just as it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer in a restaurant and not get salsa, I wonder what happens if they try to go to YES.com. Que?? Ningunos puntos culminantes del futbol??
Story Highlights give us a little snap shot of the story itself, and as I’m sure the author of the story does not write them, they can lead to hilarity. Take for example this story about Serena Williams re: her appearance on David Letterman:
Story Highlights:
- Serena Williams believes grunting may give players an edge during a match
- Williams told David Letterman that Monica Seles was her grunting role model
- Williams said she also grunts when she plays golf or kicks a soccer ball
See, now don’t those context-less highlight bullets really help when you’re reading the story?? Let’s take them one by one, shall we??
- Swarms of killer bees though?? Well, that’s just tradition
- My grunting role model is young Forrest Gump impersonating his mother humping the superintendent
- I bet she also grunts when she’s eating lots of food [SNIZZ-APP!!]
Oooooohhhh…I’m sorry guys. Commenting about a woman’s over-sized derrière as a detriment to her play is waaaaay out of bounds, especially in today’s overly-sensitive media. Wait…what’s this?? Well, well, if it isn’t our old buddy Jason Whitlock, himself a purveyor of fat-assitude, to stick his pumpkin-filled jowls exactly where they don’t belong:
Serena could be the best ever, but …
Story Highlights:
- Serena Williams is the perfect combination of Michael Jordan, Jim Brown, Muhammad Ali and Rosa Parks…only fat.
- A stuffed onion is a booty so round and tight that it brings tears to your eyes
- Did I mention Serena Williams is fat?? Oh, good…because she’s fat.
See how fun that is!! There are arguments abound due to this pertinent article (as there are for pretty much every penned Whitty offering), but despite the deliberate sexism and blatant Whitlock-style ratings grab, I’m sure everybody’s focusing on the main point of the article, which is:
Is it correct and fair for the sports media to assign potential to athletes, and then disseminate blame when said athlete appears to fall short of said assigned potential? Well, of course it is…as long as you throw in some fat blasts to go with it. Just don’t tell Mike Gundy.
Jason Whitlock Whines: “I’m Not Whining.”
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs
Our friend Jason has a little poopie in his pants this morning due to the fact that, over the weekend, Scott Pioli didn’t ease his un-ease over the new direction of the Kansas City Chiefs. And how did Pioli and his minions shamefully rebuke his thought-out player/personnel suggestions this time? Apparently, they wouldn’t let him within 100 yards of the buffet table practice field.
Ole’ Whitty proceeds to write a column slathered in sarcasm (and barbeque sauce, probably [ZING!]), that shakes his finger sternly at the new administration: Keep this up, and I’ll stop coming around. Be careful what you ask for Jason…the Chiefs might actually take you up on your offer.
Rumor is that Todd Haley was more apt to let Gonzo skate after a sit-down meeting with the new head coach turned into a suggestion session with Tony’s takes on everybody from the punter to the pizza boy. The message out of Arrowhead is clear and consistent: this is our show, and nobody is gonna tell us how to do things around here.
Well, the new sheriff has agitated the #1 Chiefs Agitator in Whitty, but that was inevitable. I don’t think any of us believed we would make it even this long without being conflict-free (though the warning signs have been there).
Still we must ask; while the argument was made in typical Whitlock fashion, is it not salient? And here’s the answer: Who knows. And here’s another one: Who cares.
Are organizations that cut out the media ones that are more successful than those who keep the doors open? The problem with a question like this is that there is no accurate, objective way to too vote ‘aye’ or ‘nay.’ To the average fan, sports journalism is way more squak than talk, and whether or not the media is getting treated fairly is secondary (and waaaaaaay down on the list) to the number in the left-hand column.
Plus, the only way that we know whether or not the media is being dealt with unjustly is through the accounts of the media members themselves, in which case they will, in all probability, be substantially biased, evidenced by how Whitlock’s ham-handed attempt at a pot-shot will be quickly shrugged off of Pioli’s shoulders.
Chiefs fans don’t care how far away media members have to stand from the practice field. We don’t care how short Whitlock’s stay will be in River Falls this year. The only people who do are Jason Whitlock and the resturaunteurs lamenting the absence of his waistline.
Also…Jason Whitlock is fat (ZING!).