Tag Archives: Golden Tee

Yeah, It’s a Mailbag

1
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/04/2010 – 3:42pm
Filed under Feature

Being that this column is decidedly slanted towards my teams, you have to realize that is opinion based.  When I say something like “Missouri is the worst team in the Big XII this season because their ’40 minutes of hell’ is a total gimmick, and last year was complete luck”, that is an opinion.  There is really no factual basis there except for the fact that their supposed vaunted press was absolutely raped last night by Texas A&M.   

I understand that because I write an opinion column, some misguided people will have an opposing opinion on the same subjects.  That is why Ihave opened myself up here.  I have provided my e-mail address  (lwood@kcsportspodcast.com) to any and all who want to write in, and tell me what they think.  This idea has been met with overwhelming support.  Which means that I can now publish the very first official L. Wood Kellogg Mailbag. 

And away we go…

Who the hell gave you your own column on a website?  From what I can tell, you are nothing but a Kansas homer who is so blinded by your fandom, you can’t see reality anymore.  Douche.  – Bill (St. Louis)

LWK: Well, we are off to a positive start.  I don’t know how the hell I convinced a man I had never met to let me post here.  I guess I got a vote of confidence from Bellwether.  And you’re right; I am a KC homer.  So what?  You clearly like your teams.  Doesn’t that make you a homer as well, Bill?  Yeah.  The funny part is, despite my failure to “see reality”, you still take the time to read this, and email me.  Now who’s the douche?  Oh, it’s still me.  Dammit.

How can this be a “Kansas City Sports Column” when you write about hockey?  Kansas City doesn’t have a hockey team!!!  Douche.  – John (Olathe)

LWK: Well, I love hockey.  I don’t care if there isn’t a team in KC.  It’s the best sport ever.  It’s not my fault that you guys failed to support the one team you had.  If and when KC gets a team, you’ll be damn lucky to have such an amazing hockey beat writer already entrenched in KC sports.  You don’t want Bellwether covering the Kansas City Coyotes for you.  Trust me.  Oh, and it is not required that all emails to me end in “douche”.

I saw a recent comment on one of your columns from BW Johnson alluding to someone you know shitting in their bed.  Did that actually happen, and who was it?   - Scottie (Lenexa)

LWK: Uh…let’s just go to the next question…

How do you think the rest of the season goes for KU?  I think they will fall flat on their faces.  Goddamn Beakers.  – Claude (Columbia)

LWK: While I don’t think that they will “fall on their faces”, I do think there will be some struggles down the stretch.  I think they lose to Texas on the road, and then lose in the semifinals of the Big XII tournament.  However, I think they get the overall number one seed in the NCAA tournament, come to St. Louis, and go to the final four.  After that, it’s anyone’s guess.  I really need that to work out like that.  Otherwise, Bellwether, HP and I will be getting drunk watching teams we don’t care about play here.  That’s just not going to be as good of a blog…or is it?

Did you know they are making a MacGruber movie?  WTF???  – Drew (Levenworth)

LWK: Oh, come on.  MacGruber is awesome.  Here is the trailer.  Now tell me you don’t want to see that.  Oh, you don’t.  Well, I am going to see it.  MACGRUBER!!!!

So you’re the hockey expert, eh?  Well, didn’t you predict the Red Wings would beat the Hurricanes to win the Stanley Cup?  The Red Wings will be the 7 or 8 seed in the West at best, and the Hurricanes are the worst team in the entire NHL!!!  – Jay (Minneapolis)

LWK: Um, injuries?  I don’t know. The Eastern Conference is so inferior to the West that it really doesn’t matter who makes it.  I guess I’ll just eat it on the Canes prediction.  Sorry.  I’ll revise my picks and say Chicago over New Jersey (formerly KC Scouts) in 6 games.  Enjoy.

So, you gonna watch the Olympics?  Can we expect Olympic coverage from the KCSportsPodcast Team?   - Kendall (Wyandotte)

LWK: Hell yes I am.  While I can’t speak for everyone else, I will absolutely write about the Olympics.  In fact, be prepared for my Olympic Hockey preview and my Curling preview in about 7-10 days.  Yes, I am serious…curling rules.

Why are you so much better than me at Golden Tee?  I mean, I practice and practice, but every time we play you crush me.  Please give me some pointers.  Hippolito (St. Louis)

LWK: I don’t know, HP.   I think it’s about consistency.  You have stretches where you’re good, but then the wheels fall off.  I’m never too high, never too low.  And in the end, I win.  Good luck!

What’s your prediction for the Royals this season?  Will Rick Ankiel make a difference?    - Bryan (Overland Park)

LWK: I am not as down on the Royals as some.  That being said, I am strongly considering asking my cable company for the exclusive Royals/Pirates/Padres package that only runs from April through June.  The Royals signed Rick Ankiel???  Well, we found our fifth starter.  Oh, wait…

I saw on one podcast that Bellwether was referred to as “Head Writer”, while you are listed as “Contributor”.  How’s that make you feel, bitch? P.S. I own you.  - Name Witheld (Des Moines)

LWK: Not cool, dude.

When I find your Mizzou bashing ass, I am going to kill you.   – Steve (Unknown)

LWK: Just make sure it doesn’t conflict with any of your NIT games.

So there you have it.  For those of you whose emails didn’t make it this time, feel free to keep trying.  And if you think you have what it takes to make the mailbag, give it your best shot.  Oh, and HP, just keep practicing.

Me and HP: a KU CF

2
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/19/2009 – 2:28pm
Filed under Feature, Local College

As I mentioned previously, Hippolito Pichardo and I had tickets to the KU-Memphis game here in St. Louis on Tuesday.  I am sure you’re interested*, so here is how this went down.  Sorry for the length, but understand this adventure went on for seven hours.

*Riiiiiiiight.

 

4:45 PM: I exit the highway, call HP, and make my way to his apartment.  HP sounds excited on the phone.  I am enjoying a little Owl City on the iPod.  This is going to be fun.

5:15 PM: Traffic sucks.  HP suggests we listen to some Miley Cyrus (I know, gay right?).   I completely agree, and put some on.  We sing. 

5:45 PM: Downtown St. Louis.  We park, and do a quick check of supplies.  Tickets, check.  Heaters, check.  Keys, wallet, cash, cell phone, check.  My notepad so I don’t forget any of the ridiculousness of this evening, double check.  Let’s roll.  We head to J. Buck’s.  It is where the KU alumni party is.  We wade through KU fans to the bar. I see a shirt that says “Carolina Blue is just past tense for Carolina Blows”.  I feel at home.  HP grabs some Bud Lights.  I see…you’ll never believe this…Matt Kleinman!!!!  I am not kidding; he is standing right by us.  He walks away for a moment. We vow to get a picture of him when he comes back from the bathroom.  He never does.

6:02 PM: Beer is good, but this bar is not.  It takes way too long to actually get a beer.  I suggest we find somewhere else.  HP doesn’t know of any other bars.  He begins searching for them on his iPhone.  He tells me that Bernie Federko’s place is close, and keeps looking.  Then I see this shirt.  Very cool.   HP suggests Flannery’s, but it’s almost a mile from where we are.  We decide to leave anyway.  As we walk out the door, a cab pulls up immediately, and we hop in.  This is going to be a good night.

6:10 PM:  I grab a bucket from the bartender.  I explain to HP that I am going to drink all the way up until game time, and then stop so I have a couple of hours to sober up before driving home.  HP tells me, “I am just going to drink the whole way through.”  Excellent.  Golden Tee, here we come!

6:35 PM: HP and I begin a discussion about what is better, Guitar Hero or Rock Band.  I have Guitar Hero for PS3.  I tell HP that he should get it.  Me: “Yeah, you should get Guitar Hero.”  HP: “Yeah, then we can play with each other.”  Me: “uh….can you say that louder so that the whole bar can hear?”

7:10 PM: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd comes on.  HP explains that this is what he wants played at his funeral.  If he continues on his drinking pace, it may be sooner than he thinks.  Uh Oh!  Wife call alert!  HP attempts to sober up, answers the phone, and begins speaking in husband voice.  After a few minutes he informs me that his wife told him that Mangino was fired.  Wow.  A couple of KU fans walk by, and I tell them that Mangino has been fired.  This is how a rumor starts.  They walk off and tell everyone else in the bar.  HP then informs me that his wife cannot confirm that.  She saw it on someone’s facebook update.  Dammit HP!!!  I feel like an idiot.  People across the bar are talking about this “news” and pointing in my direction.

7:18 PM: HP wins the first game of Golden Tee, then we tie the second one.  He explains that he has won the best-of-three for the night.  I attempt to explain that he makes no sense.  Eventually, I win this argument, but HP may tell you differently.

7:20 PM:  We are hungry.  HP tries to flag a waitress down.  He attempts to order.  She explains that since our tab is at the bar, we have to order there.  HP is becoming a little belligerent with the staff.  I step in and order from the bartender.

7:30 PM:  Greatest…App Sampler…EVER!!!   Mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, toasted raviolis, potato skins, and deep fried pickles.

7:32 PM: All gone.  I win the third Golden Tee game, and we agree to let the “best-of-three” end in a tie for the evening.  We head to the bar to settle up.  HP begins regaling people with the story of the Kleinman sighting.  He compares it to seeing a Yeti or Chewbacca.  Me: “what the hell does Chewbacca have anything to do with it”  HP: “Kleinman is more rare than Chewbacca.  When are you going to see Kleinman out at a bar again?” Me: “I don’t know, when are you going to see Chewbacca?”  HP: “Shit, I saw Chewbacca on Halloween.”  We should go…

8:10 PM: We grab a cab and head towards the Scottrade Center.  We drive past the library.  HP explains that he saw Joe Posnanski speak there.  HP: “I have a picture with him.”  Me: “I know, I’ve seen it, a lot.”  HP: ‘I’ll send it to you.”  He emails me this picture…again.

8:15 PM: We get out of the cab.  Some really old guys in KU stuff walk past us.  HP yells ROCK CHALK!!! At them and extends his hand for a high five.  The old guys cannot raise their arms very high, and give him more of a 45 degree angle five.  Then we see the statue of Bernie Federko.  HP runs up to it and says, “See?  I told you.”  What the hell does that mean?  Earlier you had suggested we go to his bar.  What the hell does that have to do with there being a statue of him at the Scottrade Center???  Ugh, let’s go inside. 

8:20 PM: HP sees someone walk by with a large beer.  “Big ones!  I want one of those!”  We get some and find the seats. 

8:30 PM: We are at the seats.  The first game ends, and KU takes the floor to warm up.  HP is admiring how nice the cushioned seats are.  “When I fart, it just gets absorbed.”  That’s good news I suppose. 

8:35 PM: HP wants a little pre-game analysis.  I tell him that I think I see Brady Morningstar in the Bud Light suite.  HP’s analysis: “They have a fat guy, and I think that Aldrich can dunk.”  He’s not the best color man in the league for nothing folks.  I ask HP what Xavier Henry’s number is.  HP’s response, “Awesome.”

8:45 PM: We decide to make bets on what the feel good player story in the Star will be tomorrow.  HP thinks it will be about Tyshawn Taylor overcoming his thumb injury.  My money is on Connor Teahan’s struggles with being red-shirted.

8:50 PM: HP wants some pre-game analysis from his dad, so he call HP Sr.  “watch for inside play from the Morris twins”  We were hoping for something funnier, but we’ll go with that for now.  Almost tip off time.  HP engages some KU fans behind us.  Here is a little of that conversation.

Guys: Memphis’ coach looks like a coked out Quinn Snyder.

HP: Quinn Snyder was always coked out.  I met him once, and he was high as shit.

Guys: Yeah, but I hear he pulled some serious ass at Mizzou.

HP: Not nearly as much as Larry Eustachy.  That guy was awesome.

9:03 PM: Tip-off.  KU scores.  This is going to be a cake walk.  HP says the floor (which was sponsored by Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups) is making him hungry.

9:15 PM: This isn’t going as well as we would like.  I confuse Quintrell Thomas and Thomas Robinson.  I do not know how.

9:34 PM: Text from Bellweather “What’s up with the court?’  I text back, “Don’t know, but your brother thinks it’s delicious.”  Bellweather: “I’m dunking a Reese’s in a Bud Light right now.”

9:40 PM: Bellweather via the text line, “Memphis’ coach looks like Quinn Snyder’s gay brother.”

9:42 PM: During a commercial break they do something called “the over under section of the game”.  They scan the crowd with the camera.  HP gives not one, but two middle fingers.  Also, when the fight song plays, HP has to sing to it.  Only he doesn’t know the words so it just ends up being “Da-Da-De-Da-Da”.  Is it halftime yet?

9:48 PM: Halftime, we’re winning but not by much.

10:06 PM: Bellweather: “Bill Self: We tried hard, I liked our effort…our offense stinks.  I mean it.  We just stunk.  Holly Rowe looks like she’s stalking Steve Phillips wife”  Thanks for that analysis.

10:10 PM: We are outside smoking.  A guy in a bunch of Celtics stuff is standing near us.  HP engages (I have no idea why).  “Celtics?  What the fuck, man?”  This is going to go poorly.  They discuss something about KG, NBA Championships, and Paul Pierce.  I pull HP away, and we get back to the seats.

10:30 PM: Henry makes a nice play.  Text from Bellweather: “That’s why you pronounce it ‘Zah-vi’eeh’!”

10:40-11:20 PM:  KU looks terrible, but Memphis can’t shoot.  KU by two with 20 seconds or so to go.  Memphis inbounds, drives, passes, shoots, misses, game over.  KU wins.  Collective sigh of relief from the mostly KU crowd.  Bellweather: “FUCK ME”  I agree.  Let’s go home.

11:35 PM: In the car.  Lots of “A win’s a win” talk.  HP: “Bill Self is going to be PISSED.”  Me: ’Yeah, so is your wife when she hears all of this (shaking my notepad).”  HP: “I don’t let her read your blog.” 

Maybe that’s a good thing.  Go Jayhawks.