Sherron Collins needs to stop banging football player’s girlfriends:

In actuality, I don’t know if it was Collins who was guilty of diddling Dezmon Briscoe’s girlfriend, but it’s sure possible. I haven’t done too much research on the topic, but if I were playing Clue, my first guess would most certainly be: Sherron Collins, in The Elevator, with His Junk.

Again, there could be more details rolling around the blogosphere regarding this story, but until the first jump ball, I’m kind of impervious to most KU Basketball stories that don’t involve raging lunatics. (Though I am told that Brady Morningstar’s role in this whole melee was him talking trash while simultaneously hiding behind the Morris twins, which is just…awesome.)

Still, Tyshawn Taylor dislocated his thumb in one of the fights, which is bad, and twittered about it, which is good, and as long as the fights stay away from being too stabby, well I say it’s just idiots boys being idiots boys .

In the words of Tyshawn: “keep my name out ya’ mouth for you get smacked in it.”

In the words of Frank Reynolds: “I bet that broad was classy as shit.”

Luke Hochevar needs to stop being so bad at baseball:

Royals news these days is ad nauseam: “Zack Greinke is going to get screwed out of the Cy Young.” While it would be a shame to see such a fate befall our one shining star, it doesn’t seem likely, as many many more baseball minds are waking up to the fact that pitcher wins are about as indicative of baseball goodness as Dayton Moore’s scouting ability.

But this section of the post is about our fearless 1st rounder Luke Hochevar. As many of you may know, Luke has been dominant this season to the tune of an 80-pitch complete game against the Reds, 13 strikeouts and no walks against the Rangers, a three-hit shutout against the White Sox etc. So the question is how, how, HOW is his ERA 6.42??

Well, outings like last night might have something to do with it. Luke has been an enigma. He’s been on and off, hot and cold. He was tipping his pitches, then fixing it, then getting bombed.

The good news: at least one guy sees him as the next Chris Carpenter. Let’s hope by the next Chris Carpenter, he doesn’t mean the next Tony Brizzolara. Who?? Exactly.

Sigh…only one more week, then no more Royals until next April…or until Dayton Moore trades Carlos Rosa for Willy Taveras in January.

Rasheed Wallace needs to stop…well nothing. He needs to keep doing shit like this:

If I told you that there were a professional athlete not from or having, on the surface, anything to do with Kansas City, who was seen at the Eagles/Chiefs game wearing a Derrick Thomas jersey and carrying a prosthetic leg, you’d say Rasheed Wallace, right??

Apparently this is was what happened at Lincoln Financial Field in Philladelphia after the game on Sunday, when ‘Sheed was a member of the scene described above. Remarkably, we still have no answer on just who’s leg it was that he was carrying , or why.

Frankly, I don’t want to know. And, personally, I think the crazier thing is rooting for the Chiefs in the first place. I’ve often said I would sell my leg for a Super Bowl Title…unfortunately, somebody took that a little too literally. What I’m not surprised about is that it was Rasheed Wallace.

1.) The Chiefs surprisingly testicle-less draft plan

2.) Herm Edward’s best Emmit Smith impression

3.) The Royals un-surprisingly testicle-less offense

4.) Carl Edwards best Ricky Bobby impression*

5.) Ben Gordon’s testicles

Nope, we go with none of the above.

* Immediately following Edwards’s spectacular crash at the final turn at Talledega yesterday, I knew every single announcer would immediately start talking about how he exited the car and crossed the finish line just like Ricky Bobby. I was already sick of this before even a single one did. (Yes. Just like Ricky Bobby…hilarious. And yes, Stuart, that was re-donkulous.) As remarkable as NASCAR’s ascendance into mainstream America has been over the past few years, this just goes to show that instead of any driver, the average sports fan identifies more with a movie co-starring Dr. Steve Brule.

This post will center around the second most remarkable thing I figured out this weekend. Lost in all of the hullabaloo surrounding the NFL Draft, the NBA playoffs, and the Yanks v Red Sox was the news that X is heading to Larry-town.

To be honest, I’m a little nervous about this. There is an inordinate amount of talent on this team, and while I will usually defer to having more talent on the team, it’ll be tough to see how everyone is going to get their touches. Is it really beneficial to limit Mario Little and Travis Releford to mop-up duty?

So, my answer to this conundrum is this: we take one of the teams in the SEC, and replace all of their players with the players projected to come off the Jayhawk bench. Now I’m sure, if this little exercise were reversed, Nick Saban’s 2nd stringers could be easily win the Big XII North Football title, but I think it’s fair to say that the following lineup would more than likely take the regular-season and tournament crown for the cagers in the Dixieland Conference:

G Brady Morningstar

G Tyrel Reed

F Mario Little

F Travis Releford

F Markeiff Morris

Now, wouldn’t that be fun?? Yes. You know what would be more fun?? Trying to figure out what we could get in return:

Alabama: A buddy of mine’s wife is a huge ‘Bama fan. He jokes that the people in Alabama deify Nick Saban so much that they should call him “Coach God.” Well, good…maybe he can resurrect Derrick Thomas from the dead so that he can play for the Chiefs again.

Auburn: Judging from his time at Iowa State, new head football coach Gene Chizik is no God…maybe we can get Tommy Tubberville to resurrect Bo Jackson’s hip.

Florida: They should send us all of the women in the state of Florida who want to sleep with Tim Tebow, but who can’t because his Christianity prohibits him from premarital sex. Of course, this would make the population of Lawrence roughly that of Mexico City.

Georgia: Uga. I don’t know, though…too Jowly?

Kentucky:  John Callipari’s most prized recruit…oh, wait…we already got that.

LSU:  Any defensive linemen left that haven’t been drafted by the Chiefs.

Ole’ Miss: Andy Kennedy and an Indian cabbie to be named later.

Mississippi State: They play in the Egg Bowl vs. Ole’ Miss every year.  Insert your own testicle joke here.

Tennessee: Do I even have to say it??

Vanderbilt: Will Perdue’s jock strap, from which to hang Nick Collison’s retired jersey

Arkansas: Forget sending us anything…we’ll just throw in Mike Anderson for free.

South Carolina: Mascot name. Tell me you wouldn’t love hearing Bob Davis scream, “GOOOOOOD!!! That’s a three pointer, and the Cockhawks take the lead!”

Seems like a good place to end this post…on “Cockhawks.”