Tag Archives: Dayton Moore

Ignorance is Bliss

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 03/05/2010 – 12:36pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

It’s baseball season!!  Isn’t that great!!  Oh…you’re a Royals fan.  Well, then.  Here’s a news flash:

Your team sucks.

No, really.  Your team sucks BAD.  Sorry for the un-sunny disposition, but the moves you’ve made in the off season to this point have been baffling.  Your team has tried to improve by doing the following:

1.) Releasing two serviceable, yet unspectacular catchers in order to sign the worst offensive catcher over the past decade for millions more than you would have owed the two that you released, one being your Cy Young winning pitcher’s favorite target the other one, a cog in the Carlos Beltran deal along with…

2.) …another fan favorite who was traded for two past-prospect age prospects, and in doing so, left your second-best offensive player without a position…

3.) …but that’s all good since he wasn’t that good defensively and you’re in the American League, so you can stash him as the Designated hitter except…

4.) …your moody, over-paid free agent gem from two off-seasons ago – who is still moody and owed more than ten million this year – will probably have to play most of the time at DH, but, like I said he’s moody, and still wants to play in the outfield, which is easier said than done because…

5.) …despite the fact that you have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to who you gave contracts to, you’ve gone ahead and acquired about a half-dozen* outfielders who are either just above, but more likely nowhere near, replacement level, …

* Estimate

6.) …one of whom you’ve promised to give centerfield to despite the fact that he probably has the worst range any of the other potential center-fielders, and who is, by the way, a left-handed power hitter, and will be playing in a home park that is notoriously brutal to left-handed power hitters.

Is that all??  Well, no.  There are untold number of reasons why the Royals will suck this year.  Six doesn’t even skim the surface.  Strangely, the Royals blogosphere, home of some of the best baseball minds in the business, has seemed, unlike in previous years, resigned to this fact.

It’s as if they’re no longer upset at it.  They’ve gone thru the five-stages of Royals fandom, and have finally, excruciatingly, made it to acceptance.  See, the excuse for Allard Baird was always that he didn’t have enough money.  We lucked into having the best young offense in baseball at the turn of the last decade, but didn’t have the resources to keep any of them.

Now that we have (at least some of) the resources, we can firmly press the weight of blame on the shoulders of Dayton Moore.

The guy always seems a day late.  Unfortunately, he’s never a dollar short.  It seems like every time he thinks we need a particular skill on the team, he goes all “Damn the Torpedoes!!” on us and does whatever it takes to solve the problem as he sees fit with little regard for any of the other skills that particular player (doesn’t) possess.

Case in point: Mike Jacobs.  What were we lacking going into last season??  POWER!!  Sure!!  That’s the ticket!!  So what does good ole’ Capn’ Moore do??  Signs Jacobs with little regard to the fact that despite his impressive power numbers, he can’t get on base or hit lefties.  Wow…that seems to be two pretty big holes in your game, especially when you (again) have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to Mike Jacobs.  Sound familiar??

This season, it was speed and defense, which is why we got the outfielders we did…except, none are particularly good at it, and, as said before, we’ve promised the one with the least range center field.  Oh, and none of them can get on base, either…FUN!!

On top of that, we’ve been told all along that we’re building the minor-league system, and while there does seem to be some talent down there, Royals fans will still no doubt continue to be reminded that there are better players that we passed up in the draft who are already making impacts on their major league clubs.

At least this time, they weren’t passed up due to signability…nope, just pure ineptitude.

In years past, this analysis might have seemed a little harsh.  Up until last off-season, Moore’s track record with the Royals seemed to point us back to respectability.  Now??

Yep.  Still in last place.

While writing this, I sent an E-Mail to Logg and Conor Jay, letting them know that the post was upcoming.

Me: “Royals post coming today…”

Logg: “Who are the Royals?”

Sigh…ignorance is bliss…

A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

We Won’t Get Fooled Again

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 09/20/2009 – 10:13am
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals

That has to be the best Who song of all time.  But, that isn’t what I am writing about.  I am writing in order to take a stand for all the Royals fans out there.  I know that you are not defenseless, and probably don’t need my help, but what the hell. 

The Royals look good right now.  After Friday night’s clobbering of the White Sox, they are now 60-87, threatening to climb out of the cellar, 9-2 in their last 11, and have had double digit hits in 6 straight games and 11 of the last 12.  Luke Hochevar looked solid, Zack is Zack, Robinson Tejeda should win the Cy Young Award next season.  And the you see comments like these:

“It seems like every year, that last month, they play their best baseball against teams trying to win the division.  They have a good young team over there.” – Mark Buehrle

Shit!  That will inevitably lead to this comment about March of 2010:

“We weren’t very far off last year.  Look at the way we finished.  That is what we expected all year.  Injuries killed us.  Hopefully that won’t happen again.  We just needed a couple of pieces to be a contender.  That’s why we added former Braves reliever Vladimir Nunez for the next 4 years at $6 million per year.  We’re excited for the season.”

Don’t let Dayton pull the wool over your eyes.  Playing well for the first 29 games and the last 20 games does not mean we get to forget about the other 113 in between.  Now that I have said my peace, here are Logg’s NFL picks for week 2:

Chiefs (-3) over Raiders – Cassel finally makes his debut, and I am not fooled by the “new and improved Raiders”.  Plus, can you really pick against Bobby Wade?

Tennessee (-6.5) over Houston – The Texans have no defense, and thus will yet again have no playoff spot.

New England (-3.5) over NY Jets – Mark Sanchez gets a little dose of reality against a real team.  He’s still my favorite Mexican American quarterback.

Green Bay (-9) over Cincinnati – My god, and I thought Chiefs fans were tortured.  The Bengals are the most pathetic franchise in pro sports…ever.

Detroit (+9.5) over Minnesota – I will never pick the Vikings.  Matt Stafford gets his first win this week.

New Orleans (pk) over Philadelphia – McNabb is out, Westbrook is always hurt, and Brees is unstoppable.

Atlanta (-6) over Carolina – Is Delhomme still the quarterback of the Panthers?  Really?  Really?

St. Louis (+9.5) over Washington – I am guaranteeing the Rams score points this week.

Jacksonville (-3) over Arizona – for the sake of my fantasy teams, please give the ball to Beanie Wells and make me look like a genius.

San Francisco (-1.5) over Seattle – Niners make the playoffs just to spite Crabtree.

Buffalo (-5) over Tampa Bay – I said it last week, and I’ll say it this week; Tampa is bad.

Cleveland (+3) over Denver – The luck runs out this week, Broncos fans.

Baltimore (+3.5) over San Diego – Was Baltimore’s offense as good as last week or was the Chiefs’ defense just that bad?  I say both.

Pittsburgh (-2.5) over Chicago – Cutler blows again. 

NY Giants (+2.5) over Dallas – I am watching this game just for the punts.  Come on scoreboard!!!

Indianapolis (-3) over Miami – Put the house on this one…

Enjoy the games!!!  Go Chiefs!!!!

Last week: 7-9

Season: 7-9

Abandon Ship!!

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 09/01/2009 – 11:51am
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals

I had the pleasure of watching the Royals play last night. Holy craaaap is that a shit show.

Got to see Luke Hochaver back up a relay throw then saunter back to the mound with his head down while the batter went from first to third before he noticed the play was still going on. Then, John Bale comes in in relief, promptly loads the bases with one out, gets a comebacker, and instead of going home, he inexplicably spins toward second base…and throws the ball into right field. That’s right, I said right field, not center field.

I guess it wasn’t so inexplicable…he does play for the Royals after all.

Quote Bob Dutton of the KC Star this morning: “Just 31 more games, Royals fans. Thirty-one freakin’ games….”

I don’t really know the reason that I’m writing this this morning. If you want the stories of hilarious ineptitude, read Poz’s bolg. If you want mindless optimism, read Rany. If you want the white flag, read Craig Brown.

It’s hard for me to even muster a fart joke.

But here’s one anyway: The Royals have just extended Dayton Moore thru 2014.

This seems to me like more of a death sentence than a vote of confidence. Moore has made so many inexplicable moves over the past 12 months that nobody would be able to lead the Royals out of the cavern of bad contracts and less than average talent that they are currently in.

I could go thru every move, pointing out why each was such a reach, and how any dummy could have seen the contracts given to Guillen, Jacobs, Farnsworth, etc. would blow up like the Hindenburg, but that’s not really the point.

Point is, this is the team that has been built, and the team that we are unfortunately going to be stuck with for the 2010 season. The payroll is already tied up with the contracts mentioned earlier, so there are very little changes that can actually be made. Moore played his hand before the beginning of this season, and that hand had burst into flames…you might as well keep him holding the cards.

I can only believe that, like any other person in sports, nothing hurts more to Dayton Moore than losing. Firing him is not a punishment. Ensuring that he goes down with the ship is.

Not everybody can be fortunate enough to find a life raft. This week’s lucky recipient of the “Get out of Jail Free” card?? Chan Gailey!!

Todd Haley will for now take over the Chiefs play-calling dooty (spelling correct).  So, firing your Offensive Coordinator before the season even starts does not exactly inspire confidence in your team or fan base, but seriously, what did you expect??

Whitlock would have you believe that this was a move inspired only by Haley’s arrogance, and unwillingness to listen to anybody but himself, and if this were the case, Gailey should have been let go at the end of last season.

But, you have to think that these two men, being professionals, thought that they could at least get close to getting on the same page. While we now know that this isn’t the case, would you have rather gone into the regular season hanging on to a relationship that you knew wasn’t going to work??

I tend to take the side of Larry Johnson in this particular case. He believes that these two men, having had success in the NFL before, were too bullheaded to co-exist in the same offensive scheme, and the sooner they got out of the way of each other, the better.

There’s no need to drag a dysfunctional relationship out into the regular season. This franchise has had a penchant for dragging those relationships out for years longer than necessary; it’s good to see we’re not making the same mistake again.

Still, the honeymoon for Haley and Pioli seems to coming to a close. We all knew the Cheifs were going to suck, but we at least thought there would be some modest improvement. We’ll see how good the tough-guy act works when after we get smoked 37-3 by the Giants.

Look at the bright side, though…at least Chan got to keep his jaw as a parting gift.

This Royals Analysis Brought to You by Dude Parts

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 07/22/2009 – 10:46pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

Aah, good to see that ineptitude didn’t get lost on it’s annual summer trip to Kansas City.  It is disheartening, however, to realize our once great and heavily touted captain Dayton Moore is the one who gave it the Garmin.  If you were going to find a way to squander a solid rotation, promising young hitters, and completely undo the momentum created by a solid 2nd half of 2008, then Dayton did a pretty good job.  In fact, it’d be hard to do a better job at destroying your last three years of franchise building than what Dayton has done in the last 12 months.*

* I had about a page-and-a-half of deep analysis on the subject, but fuck that…too depressing.  Just know that this, in my opinion, is the reason that Farney and Uni are now starting on our fair team.  Patience is a virtue that you need to posses when you take the job of General Manager of the Kansas City Royals.  Dayton just does not have it.  His pride got in the way.  You can’t build a winner overnight.  When you try to, you end up with a Shit Sandwich.  I think Sun Tsu said that.  

So how does one take solace in knowing that all of the good will built toward his team over the past three years has just been blowtorched??  Repeat after me:

At least we’re not the Mets!!

Apparently, Mets VP for Player Development Tony Bernazard went all ape-shit on the their AA Binghampton affiliate the other day; an encounter that culminated in a bare-chested rumble challenge to middle infield prospect Jose Coronado.  On top of that, he also called Coronado, to quote SI.com, “a slang term associated with a woman’s anatomy.”  Until Mike Arbuckle strips down, calls Mike Moustakas* “Mulva” and threatens him to a tickle fight, I think our organizational front office can keep from moving from the “inept” column to the “embarrassing” column.  And if you think I’m clutching at straws…you’re right.

* Microsoft Word Spell Check suggestion for Moustakas: Moustaches.  I don’t know why, but that just made my day…

But if you can’t get all Cael Sanderson on your top prospects, how are you ever going to motivate them??  How about dressing them in this??  

That’s right!!  Victoria’s Secret has released a line of baseball ware as part of their Pink Collection featuring the logos of six MLB teams: The Mets, Yankees, Red Sox, White Sox,* Phillies, and Cubs.  Noticeably absent are, well, all 24 other major league franchises, including the Royals. 

* Really??  Yes, really.  Apparently this, this, this, and this** aren’t embarrassing enough to keep Victoria from hitching her wagon to the South Side.

** That’s the greatest picture ever taken, by the way…

But this, by all means, doesn’t mean that we deserve to have our logo splattered along the bodies of the hottest women on the planet; on the contrary.  So, here’s where this whole round-about, hyper-link’d, rambling blog post comes full circle: 

What article of undergarment best represents The Royals??

The Beckham Speedo:

Designed to reduce drag when you’re swimming implies that in order to wear it, you have to be able to swim, which the Royals cannot do.  Every time they get in the pool, they sink to the bottom.  Plus, in order to wear one, you have to have good makeup, which the Royals so obviously do not.  I mean, in all seriousness, if I looked like that, I’d have to cut a love hole in the mirror.  (Shit…did I just type that out loud??)

The Georges St. Pierre:

The UFC fighter wears a modified Speedo of sorts which makes it hard for his opponents to grab onto during a fight.  GSP is French Canadian, likes to grapple half-naked with men, and only scored a 17% Hetero score on the Twitter Gay-Dar.  By those facts alone, he would seem highly effeminate and as non-threatening as the Royals lineup.  GSP, however, will kick the ever-loving shit out of you.  And we all know the Royals are never any threat to do that.

The Fat Guy From Jackass’ Tighty-Whities:

On the surface, this would look like the perfect match.  They’re large, insufficient, lumpy, and sure to have a giant skid-mark on the back side.  They Royals, however are more like the dook-stain themselves, rather than the canvas onto which said dook-stain is painted.  No, the Fat Guy From Jackass’ Tighty-Whities come in a close second to:

The Borat:

Funny looking: check.  Inadequate coverage: check.  Impossible to look at: check.  A total pain in the ass to wear or work with: check.  This is the perfect undergarment to describe the Royals.  Unfortunately, Adriana Lima wouldn’t be caught dead in one.  Guess we’ll just have to live with a hairy Kazakh reporter.  Such is life with the Royals.  JAGSHEMASH. 

Mike Moustaches indeed.