Get at me!!

Really, his main goal throughout the years has been to cover the Chiefs, bitch about Carl Peterson, and try to lure Bob Gretz into the Silence of the Lambs-style well that he dug for him in his living room, so I can usually give him a pass for his (lack of) baseball knowledge. But this column is maddening because it is so devoid of fact that it contradicts itself over-and-over again. In the column, Jason begins:

Being the Royals’ manager post-Ewing Kauffman has always been one of the most maddening jobs in professional sports…How do you get the Royals to a .500 record and in contention for the American League Central crown without spending an excessive amount of dollars on payroll?

Apparently, Trey Hillman has become the GM of the team as well as the manager by going back in time and killing Ewing Kauffman in order to take over [muuuaaaa-ha-ha-ha]. Listen, we all know that it’s easier to buy talent with a larger payroll, but…well, do I really have to go back over this: A’s, Twins, Rays, Marlins, Rockies, Brewers. Blah, bu-blah, bu-blah. BORING. Throw those successful small-market teams out the window. You’re sooo right, Jason. Higher payroll = better manager. Settled.

[Hillman's job is ] still one of the toughest in sports [e]ven with an elevated payroll…

All of the players on the Royals are, in fact vampires. All major-leaguers are. Hillman can’t compete with their insatiable thirst for blood. How do the Yankees consistently win? They have Abigail Whistler on their staff to teach A-Rod the ways of the Daywalker…duh. Whistler’s salary?? Eleventy-Billion Dollars. See?? The Royals just can’t compete.

Kyle Farnsworth, the former Yankee, is supposed to be the prized new po$$e$$ion of the bullpen staff. At a cost of $4.5 million per season, Farnsworth was purchased for the express purpose of taking over in the exact situation he did on Wednesday.

Booyah!! Suck it, Trebek!! Sarcastic dollar-sign S’s!! And he’s a former Yankee?!?! Whitlock, you ARE the master.

It’s April, and Hillman is already being asked whether he should rethink his Farnsworth strategy. He’s not going to.

Look, Kyle Farnsworth hasn’t exactly lived up to his contract. Hell, at this point he’d probably have to throw three no-hitters and go Jeter on India de Beaufort in the Dri Duck Fountain just to justify it in my mind. Still, for his career, coming into 2009, Farnsworth had been the losing pitcher while allowing at least three earned runs in only eight of his 586 major-league relief outings. He’s done it in two out of four so far this year. Sufficed to say he now has an even shorter leash; I don’t blame Hillman for trotting him out there yesterday. And let’s not forget that Ron Mahay, the supposedly air-tight reliever, is the one who let in the inherited runs.

[H]e’s not going to stop tinkering with his lineup. Nine games in and we’ve already witnessed eight different lineups. That’s standard baseball in Kansas City.

It’s also standard baseball for any manager who’s had both his starting RF and 3B head to the DL in the first week, and has a ballclub scoring the lowest runs in baseball. Who would you like to see in the lineup, Whitlock?? And I swear to God, if you say Trezelle Jenkins, I’m gonna just SNAP.

I’ve got a better game. Let’s try to figure out how he’s going to end this epic Pulitzer-winner:

1.) Mentioning Bo Jackson, the only other Royals player in history he knows

2.) Making up a rap nickname for Mark Teahen

3.) Eating Jose Guillen

4.) Bringing up the NFL for NO reason whatsoever

5.) Discussing the signability of Hannibal King

Managing a baseball game isn’t supposed to be like calling offensive plays in the NFL. Managers occasionally get to relax.

Damn…I was really hoping for Number 3…