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Did you see Manitoba just flatten Prince Edward Island?  Oh, you didn’t?  Me neither.  I was too busy immersing myself completely in college basketball hysteria.  Here is how excited I am; pretend this guy is me, and the fire is college basketball.  Get the idea?

As a KU fan, tomorrow begins my second favorite part of the season.  The Big XII tournament.  I figured that since I am the official KCSportsPodcast college basketball guru, you all would appreciate my opinion on what’s going to happen over the next four days in Kansas City.

Plus, do you really want to read anymore about the Royals?  I thought so.

So here we go with my predictions on how everyone will do starting with the worst teams, and going to the winner.

The “If they are getting rid of gift baskets, then why are we going?” Group.

Oklahoma 13-17 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can’t.  This season has been a disaster for Boomer.  This team’s fans are just waiting for football season.  That’s it.

Why they will lose:  I don’t know.  Because they aren’t very good at basketball.

Where will they finish: Lose in the first round to Oklahoma State by 20.

Nebraska 14-17 (2-14):

Why they can win: They also cannot.  The only thing they might win is the “Guy with the longest name” award.

Why they will lose: Because that same guy just looks too much like Scott Baio. 

Where they will finish: Lose in the first round to Missouri by 10.

The “Let’s piss someone’s fans off and win a game we shouldn’t” Group

Iowa State 15-16 (4-12):

Why they can win: Ask Kansas State.  They are athletic.  Craig Brackens would be all Big XII if he was surrounded with anything, and Gilstrap can play.  Plus, you gotta’ believe that they are coming in with quite a bit of confidence.

Why they will lose: Along with confidence, a game like that also gives you a lot of mental and physical fatigue

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Texas Tech 16-14 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can tie.  Check this stat out.  Texas tech scores on average 76.4 points per game.  They give up 76.4 points per game.  My guess is that they find a way to tie it.   Then they just need one point in OT to win.

Why they will lose: This team was 12-2 coming into conference play, and 4-12 since then.  They kind of a collapse doesn’t happen for no reason.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

The “How the hell were we ever ranked #1” Group

Texas 23-8 (9-7):

Why they can win: The talent is there.  People didn’t just guess that this team was good, and rank them #1.  If they can play to their potential, they can win the whole tournament.

Why the will lose: Because they won’t play to their potential.  Plus, I hate Texass. (misspelled on purpose)

Where they will finish:  Well, if you have been following along with your brackets you will notice that I think they will lose in the opening round to Iowa State by 8.

The “You should win the first game, but I would never wager on you” Group

Colorado 15-15 (6-10):

Why they can win: They just beat the Red Raiders by 11 last weekend.  Plus, Alec Burks gets to come and play in his hometown.

Why they will lose: The Buffs are on a three game winning streak.  They haven’t had a four game streak this entire season.

Where they will finish: Lose to Texas Tech in the opening round by 6

The “Teams that are complete wild cards” Group

Oklahoma State 21-9 (9-7):

Why they can win: Two words; James Anderson.  He is the only guy in the tournament with the ability to pick his team up onto his back and carry them to a title.

Why they will lose: Three words; No One Else.  That’s the problem.  If Anderson is off, who is going to pick up the slack?  It is saying something when you have the Big XII player of the year, and yet you barley finished above .500 in the league. 

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals.

The “What do you mean we have a first round bye” Group

Texas A&M 22-8 (11-5):

Why they can win: I personally believe that Turgeon should have been coach of the year.  You look at this team, and you don’t see anything real special.  But they somehow get it done.  They get good guard play from Sloan, and have a solid big man in Bryan Davis.

Why they will lose: This team has not had this kind of success in a while.  They have only had a first round bye three times ever.  Average seeding…8.3.  Too much pressure on the poor Aggies.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Baylor 24-6 (11-5):

Why they can win: LaceDarius Dunn is a star.  As is LaceQuincy Acy and LaceEkpe Udoh.  This team can be LaceScary.

Why they will lose: Again, I think it comes back to experience at this point.  The highest seed Baylor has ever had was a 5, and that’s only happened twice.  Look, just be happy that Tweety Carter hasn’t killed anyone.  What??  Too soon?

Where they will finish: Semi-Finals

The “Dear God, please let this happen” Group

Missouri 22-9 (10-6)

Why they can win: They do have some experience in this tournament being that they won it last season.  The style of play is pretty good for tournament play, as it wears down the opponents.  Plus, there is no way that God would deprive me of yet a third KU beat-down of the Misery.

Why they will lose: All that being said, if the tiggers attempt to build an addition onto the Sprint Center with bricks, they could be back in CoMo before dinner on Wednesday.

Where they will finish: Semi-finals, and it’s gonna’ be the biggest defeat yet.

The “We all knew it would come down to this” Group

Kansas 29-2 (15-1)

Why they can win: because they are the best goddamn team in the whole goddamn country.  You know that.

Why they will lose: KU doesn’t have a lot going for them in this game.  They will have wrapped up the number one overall seed and a trip to St. Louis.  They don’t have anything to prove.

Where they will finish: Let the kitties finally win one, for crying out loud.

Kansas State 24-6 (11-5)

Why they can lose: See what I did there???  Anyway, K-State has some flaws.  We saw that last weekend.  I have some advice for the Cats.  Don’t name your arena if you plan on losing there pretty consistently.  I am having a real tough time backing you up right now.

Why they will win: This is the mf-ing superbowl for State.  It’s in KC, It’s against KU, and everyone is talking about the Cats falling apart against ISU.  Notice how the discussion went from “should K-State get a one seed” to “K-State will be lucky to get a three seed” just like that.  The cats are listening, and Frank Martin is getting angry.  Bellwether just peed a little when he read that.

Where they will finish: Big XII Tournament Champions*

You see what I did there Mizzou fans?  Yeah, you know.

Of course, what the hell do I know?  Scott Baio could get hot, and take the whole thing…

***What are your predictions?  Let us know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

Your team sucks.

No, really.  Your team sucks BAD.  Sorry for the un-sunny disposition, but the moves you’ve made in the off season to this point have been baffling.  Your team has tried to improve by doing the following:

1.) Releasing two serviceable, yet unspectacular catchers in order to sign the worst offensive catcher over the past decade for millions more than you would have owed the two that you released, one being your Cy Young winning pitcher’s favorite target the other one, a cog in the Carlos Beltran deal along with…

2.) …another fan favorite who was traded for two past-prospect age prospects, and in doing so, left your second-best offensive player without a position…

3.) …but that’s all good since he wasn’t that good defensively and you’re in the American League, so you can stash him as the Designated hitter except…

4.) …your moody, over-paid free agent gem from two off-seasons ago – who is still moody and owed more than ten million this year – will probably have to play most of the time at DH, but, like I said he’s moody, and still wants to play in the outfield, which is easier said than done because…

5.) …despite the fact that you have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to who you gave contracts to, you’ve gone ahead and acquired about a half-dozen* outfielders who are either just above, but more likely nowhere near, replacement level, …

* Estimate

6.) …one of whom you’ve promised to give centerfield to despite the fact that he probably has the worst range any of the other potential center-fielders, and who is, by the way, a left-handed power hitter, and will be playing in a home park that is notoriously brutal to left-handed power hitters.

Is that all??  Well, no.  There are untold number of reasons why the Royals will suck this year.  Six doesn’t even skim the surface.  Strangely, the Royals blogosphere, home of some of the best baseball minds in the business, has seemed, unlike in previous years, resigned to this fact.

It’s as if they’re no longer upset at it.  They’ve gone thru the five-stages of Royals fandom, and have finally, excruciatingly, made it to acceptance.  See, the excuse for Allard Baird was always that he didn’t have enough money.  We lucked into having the best young offense in baseball at the turn of the last decade, but didn’t have the resources to keep any of them.

Now that we have (at least some of) the resources, we can firmly press the weight of blame on the shoulders of Dayton Moore.

The guy always seems a day late.  Unfortunately, he’s never a dollar short.  It seems like every time he thinks we need a particular skill on the team, he goes all “Damn the Torpedoes!!” on us and does whatever it takes to solve the problem as he sees fit with little regard for any of the other skills that particular player (doesn’t) possess.

Case in point: Mike Jacobs.  What were we lacking going into last season??  POWER!!  Sure!!  That’s the ticket!!  So what does good ole’ Capn’ Moore do??  Signs Jacobs with little regard to the fact that despite his impressive power numbers, he can’t get on base or hit lefties.  Wow…that seems to be two pretty big holes in your game, especially when you (again) have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to Mike Jacobs.  Sound familiar??

This season, it was speed and defense, which is why we got the outfielders we did…except, none are particularly good at it, and, as said before, we’ve promised the one with the least range center field.  Oh, and none of them can get on base, either…FUN!!

On top of that, we’ve been told all along that we’re building the minor-league system, and while there does seem to be some talent down there, Royals fans will still no doubt continue to be reminded that there are better players that we passed up in the draft who are already making impacts on their major league clubs.

At least this time, they weren’t passed up due to signability…nope, just pure ineptitude.

In years past, this analysis might have seemed a little harsh.  Up until last off-season, Moore’s track record with the Royals seemed to point us back to respectability.  Now??

Yep.  Still in last place.

While writing this, I sent an E-Mail to Logg and Conor Jay, letting them know that the post was upcoming.

Me: “Royals post coming today…”

Logg: “Who are the Royals?”

Sigh…ignorance is bliss…

I am not going to talk about KU’s atrocious defense in Stillwater. Nor am I going to talk about KU’s turnovers.   And I am not going to talk about OSU shooting 97% (or whatever it was) from the field. No, the blame for this latest KU loss* falls squarely on one person.

*I say that like there have been so many.

Sarah Palin.

You’re going to have to hang with me on this one. Okay, so everyone knows that many of our government programs stink. I actually watched about 6 hours of the “Health Care Summit” last week. Unfortunately, there was no curling on that day. What I figured out from that informative collection of ideas complete waste of time and money, is that the two parties in Washington cannot even agree what time lunch should be, should they eat in or go out, and what they would like on their pizzas, much less what they can do to fix health care.

I don’t necessarily blame that on them. They are just sticking up for their parties’ platforms. No, the real blame for that is on Barack Obama. He is the president for crying out loud. He has to be the voice of reason that pulls everyone together and says, “Hey McConnell, come on man. And Pelosi, calm down.” He has to bring the sides to the table and get something done. He has failed to do that.

Now, on top of health care, another thing that is completely broken is the education system. How is it that the high school I attended in Minnesota has enough money to build a heated dome for the football team to practice in, yet some schools hardly have enough money to turn the heat on in the classroom? The level of disparity between the haves and have-nots is wider than the space Jon Shuster had to shoot at on four or five potential game winning shots combined.

Something must be done about this. I blame Barry on this one too. For all of his blabbering on about health care reform that, basically, no one wants, he has failed to address the education system at all. Except of course to say that it is all George Bush’s fault.

That brings me to the Kingston High School Lady Cougars. Kingston is a very poor school district located in Cadet, MO. Look, here’s where it is. It’s like Deliverance out there. When there are more burnt out 1968 Chevy trucks than people, you know it’s not exactly palm springs. Shit, I think I got a meth contact high just driving through there.

Anyway, this school district is so poor that they don’t even have money to outfit their sports teams. Do you hear me? They can’t allocate money to the very things that statistically have shown to keep kids in school and off of drugs. My future sister in law coaches the softball team. They needed to raise money in order to get bats for the team. Bats for a softball team? What a novel idea! So she asked me if I would put on a charity trivia night for them on Saturday. Of course I will do that. How do you say no to that?

Now, because I was having to help out the Lady Cougars in Cadet, MO, I was not watching the KU-OSU game on Saturday afternoon. More importantly, I was not able to sit in my lucky spot on the couch, and position my remote in the exact position that it needs to be in. Nor was I able to go with HP to our lucky bar where we have only seen one KU loss EVER (Michigan State last year in the sweet 16).   When these factors were negated, of course KU lost. KU is undefeated when I am able to affect the outcome of their games in these ways. The only other time I was not able to do this…at Tennessee.

So you can see how important my position for watching games is for KU basketball success. In summation, I absolutely do not fault myself in this case. I do not fault my future sister in law or her team. I don’t fault the Kingston K-14 school district, and I do not fault the congress. I fault Barack Obama for KU now needing to beat both KSU and Mizzou to win the outright Big XII title.

“B-b-b-b-but, Logg. I thought you said it was Sarah Palin’s fault.”

Oh right. Well, if Sarah Palin had never existed, Barack would have never won the election.

Thanks a lot Sarah.

*Like it?  Don’t?  Indifferent?  Let us know.  E-mail us at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they??  The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History. 

I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes.  It was…well, what it was.  A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him.  (He was so sincere!!  Only, not!!)  Super. 

But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement.  Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen. 

This is gonna be great!!

Tiger Woods is a Real Boy.  A Real Boy!!  by Michael Rosenberg

“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”

Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today.  He simply said what needed to be said.  Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.

Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche.  This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of).  So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud.  And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.

Also, is “automaton” even a noun??

How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!!  by Bill Simmons

“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”

Okay, fair enough, I guess.  One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids.  What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??

“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”

So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way.  What an asshole!!

I could go on with Billy.  His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin.  Stick to what you’re best at, Bill.  Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.

Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!!  DIE!!  by Tommy Craggs

“This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”

Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!!  How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!!  And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!

“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”

I don’t know??  A front row seat to the story of the decade week??  Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah??  Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!? 

Jeezis, Tommy.  Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports. 

Now the kicker.  From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!!  What say you??

Hey Everybody!!  I’m About to Say Something Stupid!!  by Selena Roberts

“The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”

That fucker.  This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!!  Or that luger dying.  Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face.  Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics.  Nope, all Tiger’s fault.  What a dick.

“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”

This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

/slaps face

Well, sports fans.  That’s about it.  What’s that??  You want more of the double-exclamation point meme??  Sure!!

Great to see you in public again, Tiger!!  Or Robo-Tiger!!  See you at the Masters!!  Or not!!  Hey, Selena!!  Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!

The games have been fun too, with the exception of the tragedy on the luge on Friday.  You have speed skating (which may be more boring than NASCAR), ski jumping (which the USA is so bad at that they don’t even have a team.  I am serious.  The jumpers for the US paid their own way to get there.  Hey, we’re in a recession.), and snow-cross (which is merely a made up sport by ESPN in order to get people to pay attention to the Winter X-Games).  All of those are fine and good.  They must be at least slightly entertaining considering I have fallen asleep on the couch for three consecutive nights watching them.

But they just don’t stack up to the only two REAL reasons to even have the Winter Olympics.

1. Curling
2. Hockey

In that order. 

I love hockey.  You know this.  But for all the greatness of hockey, there is something off about Olympic hockey nowadays.  Because they use professional athletes, and because it takes place right in the middle of the NHL season, there a level of disconnect between the players.  They don’t have a chance to play together at all prior to the games.  They don’t get a chance to install a system.  They basically take 20 really, really good players, give them matching uniforms, and throw them on the ice.  Sure, there will be great plays, games, and moments.  But, it will leave something to be desired.  So, let’s start here with what you need to know about Olympic Hockey, and the teams that will compete for Gold.*

*I am not going to talk about some teams.  I mean, Switzerland, come on.  Stick you what you are good at; watch making and straddling the fence.

The Soviets (okay fine, Russia):

Who you know: Alex Ovechkin is unbelievable.  He along with a Canadian I will mention shortly, are the only players recognized by ESPN.  You see his amazing goals on SportsCenter.  He is the best player in the world.

Who you don’t: Pavel Datsyuk.  If you follow the NHL, you may know him.  But if you don’t, you will thanks to the Olympics.  A phenomenal goal scorer, with a  lot of experience.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Based on my knowledge of Russian Olympians (which is entirely based on Ivan Drago in Rockey IV), I am sure they will be given enough drugs to kill a moose. 

The Hosers (okay fine, Canada):

Who you know: Sidney Crosby is the face of Canadian hockey and the NHL.  He will probably be the captain of the team, and he is only like 14 years old or something.  Sid the Kid will get his, and probably lead the heavily favored Hosers deep in the tournament.

Who you don’t: Roberto Luongo is one of the Canadian goalies.  He will probably get a majority of the starts.  Why is that impressive?  Because, their other goalie is Martin Brodeur who is probably the greatest goalie to ever play the game.  A hot goalie can win you the Gold.  That is all you need to know.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: If you haven’t seen strange brew, stop reading this, and rent it.  You’ll see why, eh?

The Soviets Again (okay fine, Czech Republic):

Who you know: Unless you have adopted the Wild as your NHL team, then you probably don’t know Martin Havlat.  He has come on strong the second half of the year, and should play well with that momentum.Well maybe not. 

Who you don’t: Jakub Stepanek.  I don’t know who this is.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: The Czechs have the most Wi-Fi subscribers in all of the European Union.  Maybe they will start reading this column, and make me a big star if I talk about them.

The Heroes (okay fine, Team USA):

Who you know: Patrick Kane beat up a taxi cab driver over $3 in Buffalo.  He is also a great hockey player, and the future of American hockey.

Who you don’t: Probably everyone else.  Watch for Ryan Miller.  He is the goalie for the US, and is having a phenomenal season for the Sabres.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Because that’s who I am rooting for.  Besides, don’t you want to see “Miracle II: the rise of Rafalski”?

So what will happen?  The USA will play very well, but come up short in the semis to Canada.  The hoseheads succumb to the pressure of playing in their homeland, and lose the gold medal to the Russians.  It’ll be fun, though.  Now…

CURLING!!!!!!

A quick explanation of what the hell this is.  Have you ever been drunk at a bar, and all you really want to do is play Golden Tee, but they are all taken by people that are going to play for the rest of the night, so you decide to play that shuffle puck game where you have to keep scraping the wax crumbs up with a coaster?  You haven’t.  Well that’s what it’s like.

Each team has four players.  The teams take turns sliding 40 lb. stones 90 feet down ice towards a target.  After 8 stones each, the team who has the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point for each stone inside the other teams closest stone.  I know, you didn’t get that.  You play 10 innings called “ends”.  At the end of 10, highest score wins. 

You’re probably thinking, “this sounds stupid.”  It’s not.  This sport is like bowling for Canadians.  They do it on Saturday nights while drinking beer.  Any sport where you are encouraged to drink beer is a sport that we should believe in.  I dare you to watch one curling match, and then tell me that you will not ever watch one again.  It is addictive.

As for who will win, probably Canada.   The USA will be around, but a medal would be an upset.  But that’s not the point.  This sport needs to get some legs here in America.  We need wealthy people to watch the Olympics, think “that seems like fun”, and open curling rinks. 

Still need a reason to watch?  Okay, they have a ladies curling competition as well.  Meet team Canada.

We stand on guard for thee.

Just in time for the quad-year celebration of all things winter and Olympic-ey, Nodar Kumaritashvili goes and breaks his freaking everything on a luge practice run on the Whistler Sliding Centre (the extra ‘e’ lets you know it’s Canadian).  What a freaking bummer.

And that’s the least of it.  Olympic organizers, already under pressure to justify the speed, turns, and overall dangerousness of the supposedly “fastest track ever,” now have to answer for their decisions to limit the practice time for foreigners on the Olympic venues in the months leading up to the games in order to give an advantage to the native Canadian teams. 

But, far from me to question the integrity of the games, or grandstand on a moral pulpit; I mean, if NBC’s not going to do it, why should I??  After all, there are advertisers to keep happy!!  So, let’s get on with the celebration!!  And by celebration, I mean, let’s bore everybody to death with chiseled actors dressed up like Squanto dancing around pointlessly!!  Oops, I mean, native Inuits…native Inuits.

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a little opening ceremony party, which consisted of the following three things:

1.)    Watching the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony
2.)    Getting uproariously drunk
3.)    Turning off the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony

Actually, there’s something to be said for these faux-celebrations of humanity; it’s fun seeing the little countries with one guy waiving the flag of Tajikistan.  Actually, what I like more are the countries like Azerbaijan that only have two participants.  How shitty would you feel if you were the one who didn’t get to carry the flag??

* This has nothing to do with anything, but I would be remised if I didn’t mention: Somebody needs to (NEEDS to) please, for the love of God, punch this man in the face.  Seriously…like, now.    

It’s tough because there’s no way anyone’s going to top the pageantry of the ’08 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremony.  I mean, when you leave things in the hands of drunken hosers instead of hundreds of thousands of Chinese performing under the slavery of communism, then what is there to really look forward to?? 

I’ll tell you what: potheads!!

That’s right!!  If there’s one thing that all of the countries of the world can come together to celebrate, it’s not the olive branch of peace, the spectacle of international competition, or the hope for all that is brought forth thru sportsmanship.  Nope.  It’s all of that fine, fine British Columbian kind bud.  Mmmm.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It takes an ass-load of skill and guts to do a McTwist on a halfpipe, or careen thru a Super G, or fly down a luge track at 90 mph. 

But when your “Olympic athletes” are saying stuff like this about how it feels to be an Olympian:

“Try to imagine Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth. I somehow tame it and ride it into the sky in the clouds and sunshine and rainbows. That’s what it feels like.”

Kind of takes away from the whole majesty of the ancient Greeks, doesn’t it??

Of course, they never had to luge.  If only they had better pot.

Ed. Note: Look forward to Logg’s Olympic Hockey/Curling preview coming early next week.

“If you were to write a book on sports psychology and the KU fan, what would your title be?”

Interesting.  Being that this is a Missouri board, one can conclude that the responses won’t exactly be a glowing review of people like me, but I thought it would at least be mildly amusing.  Some responses…

“The Cheating Culture”

“The Jayhawk, Christianity, and Homosexuality”

“Balls, Chicken, Choke, KU”

But then there was this one: “Profiles in Entitlement”

This caught my eye because I had noticed this “entitlement” theory in other posts over the last few weeks.  I find MU fans to be quite arrogant (for what reason, I have no idea.  Write in to lwood@kcsportspodcast.com and explain it to me), and I had been very interested in why they despise KU fans.  I always thought it was jealousy because they had never even been to a Final Four.  But I now know that it’s because Mizzou fans believe that KU fans have a false sense of entitlement. 

First of all, KU basketball fans certainly have some reasons to be proud.  KU is one of the most prestigious programs in the entire country, has been to 13 Final Fours, and won five national championships including one just two years ago.  The sense of pride that a Jayhawk fan feels for their team is earned and appropriate.  So they can’t be talking about that.

Maybe they are talking about our expectation level.  Every year, KU fans expect our team to compete for not only the Big XII, but a national title.  We expect to get great coaching, fantastic recruits, and wins.  What is wrong with that???  Surely Mizzou fans have some sort of expectation for their team.  They may not be (and should not be) as lofty as KU’s, but I am sure they expect something, and feel disappointed when it is not achieved.  So it would be unfair for them to come down on us for the same thing, right?

Someone else once mentioned to me the idea of KU fans needing validation from Mizzou fans; that we have a “look at me, look at me” attitude.  There may be some truth to that.  It is certainly nice to hear from a rival that you are good, or in this case, better than them.  I don’t think we seek that out, though.  I mean, if I want to hear about how great KU is, I can certainly just turn on ESPN.  God knows that, even with their decidedly east coast bias, just about everyone on there thinks KU is awesome.  I sure as hell wouldn’t go looking for validation on a Missouri fan website.  That’s like Tiger Woods hoping for sympathy from Steve Phillips.  So that really can’t be it either.  Dammit.  What to do?

So I asked the person what they meant by this.  His impressive response???

“Exactly.”

So, since Mizzou fans won’t clue me in on this, I figured I’d do some research.  I looked up “entitlement” in the dictionary.

Entitlement – noun, the state of being entitled.

Okay, so that’s as helpful as a Mizzou fan.  Let’s try again.

Entitle – verb, to give a person or thing a title, right, or claim to something

In one respect, they may be saying that we feel like we are owed something.  I couldn’t disagree more.  KU fans are not guaranteed wins by anyone.  KU provides them through superior talent and coaching.  So that doesn’t make sense.  But wait a second…

Entitle – verb, to call something by a particular title

You mean like National Champions?  Okay Mizzou fans, I agree with you.*

*I will now torch my clothes and take a three hour shower.

I understand that because I write an opinion column, some misguided people will have an opposing opinion on the same subjects.  That is why Ihave opened myself up here.  I have provided my e-mail address  (lwood@kcsportspodcast.com) to any and all who want to write in, and tell me what they think.  This idea has been met with overwhelming support.  Which means that I can now publish the very first official L. Wood Kellogg Mailbag. 

And away we go…

Who the hell gave you your own column on a website?  From what I can tell, you are nothing but a Kansas homer who is so blinded by your fandom, you can’t see reality anymore.  Douche.  – Bill (St. Louis)

LWK: Well, we are off to a positive start.  I don’t know how the hell I convinced a man I had never met to let me post here.  I guess I got a vote of confidence from Bellwether.  And you’re right; I am a KC homer.  So what?  You clearly like your teams.  Doesn’t that make you a homer as well, Bill?  Yeah.  The funny part is, despite my failure to “see reality”, you still take the time to read this, and email me.  Now who’s the douche?  Oh, it’s still me.  Dammit.

How can this be a “Kansas City Sports Column” when you write about hockey?  Kansas City doesn’t have a hockey team!!!  Douche.  – John (Olathe)

LWK: Well, I love hockey.  I don’t care if there isn’t a team in KC.  It’s the best sport ever.  It’s not my fault that you guys failed to support the one team you had.  If and when KC gets a team, you’ll be damn lucky to have such an amazing hockey beat writer already entrenched in KC sports.  You don’t want Bellwether covering the Kansas City Coyotes for you.  Trust me.  Oh, and it is not required that all emails to me end in “douche”.

I saw a recent comment on one of your columns from BW Johnson alluding to someone you know shitting in their bed.  Did that actually happen, and who was it?   - Scottie (Lenexa)

LWK: Uh…let’s just go to the next question…

How do you think the rest of the season goes for KU?  I think they will fall flat on their faces.  Goddamn Beakers.  – Claude (Columbia)

LWK: While I don’t think that they will “fall on their faces”, I do think there will be some struggles down the stretch.  I think they lose to Texas on the road, and then lose in the semifinals of the Big XII tournament.  However, I think they get the overall number one seed in the NCAA tournament, come to St. Louis, and go to the final four.  After that, it’s anyone’s guess.  I really need that to work out like that.  Otherwise, Bellwether, HP and I will be getting drunk watching teams we don’t care about play here.  That’s just not going to be as good of a blog…or is it?

Did you know they are making a MacGruber movie?  WTF???  – Drew (Levenworth)

LWK: Oh, come on.  MacGruber is awesome.  Here is the trailer.  Now tell me you don’t want to see that.  Oh, you don’t.  Well, I am going to see it.  MACGRUBER!!!!

So you’re the hockey expert, eh?  Well, didn’t you predict the Red Wings would beat the Hurricanes to win the Stanley Cup?  The Red Wings will be the 7 or 8 seed in the West at best, and the Hurricanes are the worst team in the entire NHL!!!  – Jay (Minneapolis)

LWK: Um, injuries?  I don’t know. The Eastern Conference is so inferior to the West that it really doesn’t matter who makes it.  I guess I’ll just eat it on the Canes prediction.  Sorry.  I’ll revise my picks and say Chicago over New Jersey (formerly KC Scouts) in 6 games.  Enjoy.

So, you gonna watch the Olympics?  Can we expect Olympic coverage from the KCSportsPodcast Team?   - Kendall (Wyandotte)

LWK: Hell yes I am.  While I can’t speak for everyone else, I will absolutely write about the Olympics.  In fact, be prepared for my Olympic Hockey preview and my Curling preview in about 7-10 days.  Yes, I am serious…curling rules.

Why are you so much better than me at Golden Tee?  I mean, I practice and practice, but every time we play you crush me.  Please give me some pointers.  Hippolito (St. Louis)

LWK: I don’t know, HP.   I think it’s about consistency.  You have stretches where you’re good, but then the wheels fall off.  I’m never too high, never too low.  And in the end, I win.  Good luck!

What’s your prediction for the Royals this season?  Will Rick Ankiel make a difference?    - Bryan (Overland Park)

LWK: I am not as down on the Royals as some.  That being said, I am strongly considering asking my cable company for the exclusive Royals/Pirates/Padres package that only runs from April through June.  The Royals signed Rick Ankiel???  Well, we found our fifth starter.  Oh, wait…

I saw on one podcast that Bellwether was referred to as “Head Writer”, while you are listed as “Contributor”.  How’s that make you feel, bitch? P.S. I own you.  - Name Witheld (Des Moines)

LWK: Not cool, dude.

When I find your Mizzou bashing ass, I am going to kill you.   – Steve (Unknown)

LWK: Just make sure it doesn’t conflict with any of your NIT games.

So there you have it.  For those of you whose emails didn’t make it this time, feel free to keep trying.  And if you think you have what it takes to make the mailbag, give it your best shot.  Oh, and HP, just keep practicing.