Don’t tell me that The Royals have any chance.

Because we don’t. I’ve said it before that we don’t and, in case you didn’t hear me the first time: WE DON’T.

So I don’t want to hear it. I know what’s gonna happen even before it does. And what’s gonna happen is we’re gonna lose. A lot.

Now, I’m not going to go thru all of the reasons why we’re going to lose. I mean, all you have to do is look at the construction of the roster, and you can see it. No offense, no defense, no bullpen. We have three weapons at our disposal; three players who can be listed as above league average, and possible All Stars. Here’s how we decided to help them out yesterday:

1.) Zack Greinke

Ah yes, our once-every-five-day holiday. The most electric pitcher in the American League last year. The guy who had the lowest ERA since Pedro in 1999. All advanced statistics last year pointed to the fact that his year was great despite how awful our defense was. So, we spent the offseason “improving” that aspect of our roster.

First inning: Willie Bloomquist drops an infield popup with two outs that allows a run to score. In the Royal’s defense, Boom Boom was brought on to the team last year, so…at least it wasn’t Scott Podsednik’s fault??

2.) Joakim Soria

The Mexicutioner again had a brilliant year last year, despite Trey Hillman’s campaign for him to shred his shoulder ligaments into cole slaw. Soria was used for more two-inning saves last year than any other year of his young career (that’s good). Unfortunately, those opportunities were few-and-far between, forcing him to throw “cold” (that’s bad). The reason?? Dayton Moore trading away his reliable set-up men last off-season. So, really, the more dependable the bullpen, the more effective the closer.

Seventh Inning: Roman Colón, Robinson Tejeda and Juan Cruz. Jesus.

3.) Billy Butler*

* Billy needs a nickname. I say “The Big Stroker.” Why not?? We all like innuendo, right??

Big Stroker made history by achieving some Tim Kurkjain-ian goal of having over a certain number of one thing (doubles), while at the same time having over a certain number of another thing (homers), all-the-while being under a certain number of years old…though I can’t really remember what any of those numbers were. What I’m trying to say is that he’s good at the baseball.

Seventh Inning: After Billy had a two run, two out RBI single to extend the Royals to a 4-1 lead in the fifth, he sits on deck while Scott Podsednik (he’s your placesetter…really??) hits with runners on first and second and one out. Oh, and another thing: you are down four after the disaster that was the top-half of the seventh with an offense that is anemic at best. So, Pods comes thru with a single. Awesome.

Here’s what you want to do: Bring up your best hitter with the bases loaded i.e. a chance to tie the game with one swing.

Here’s what the Royals did: Sent Jason Kendall around third where he got gunned down.

Let me repeat that again, in all-caps: YOU SENT JASON FUCKING RUBBER-KNEES KENDALL HOME WITH YOUR BEST HITTER DUE UP NEXT YOU FUCKING RETARTED DIPSHIT AMATEUR FIST-FUCKING MORON.

Holy shit. Let the bullpen explode. Drop a pop-up. Fucking hit the cutoff man in the back. But please, PLEASE don’t trot Dave Owen out there and pretend that he should be anywhere near a major league roster.

Oh wait, this is the Royals.

I guess this there is one Opening Day saying that is still apt:

It’s Opening Day…and The Royals suck again.

I know a few UNI grads.  A couple of my buddies played on the UNI baseball team.  I have a friend who went there for a year before transferring to the school that I went to, a charming private school nestled in the ghetto of Des Moines, IA called Drake University.  The arena there is called the Knapp Center.  This is where I have had most of my contact with the Panthers.  In 2007, I was there when, after beating Iowa and Iowa State earlier in the year, Drake won bragging rights for the state by beating UNI, and the students rushed the court.

In 2009, Drake was coming off an improbable Missouri Valley Conference regular season and tournament Championship.  My UNI buddies and I decided to take in the matchup between our alma maters in Des Moines.  Drake had lost several cogs from their 2008 run: their best sharpshooter in Klayton Korver, their head coach Keno Davis, and the MVC Player of the Year Adam Emmenecker.  UNI smoked them by 35.

I didn’t really mind that much.  I have been rooting for KU since I was a kid.  Drake, I didn’t really know until I went there, and they had always sucked.  Always.  So, losing to UNI was no big surprise.  But there is one thing that pissed me off.  There was this middle-aged Panther fan sitting about five rows behind us who knew everybody — EVERYBODY — on the UNI team, and would SHOUT about EVERYTHING going on in the game…even after they were up by freaking forty.  But the one player I remember him busting a nut over the most was freaking Ali Farokmanseh.  He was a sophomore at the time, and everytime that fucker hit a three (he hit about a dozen that game), #1 UNI fan would shout, “THREEEEE ALIIIIIII!!!!!!!”  What a fucking toolbox.  My buddy Scottie leaned to me during the game and said, “(I bet that guy beats his wife).”  I can only hope she returned the favor by shooting him in the fucking face with a sawed-off shotgun.

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Any KU fan could see this coming from a mile away.  We did it to ourselves as a #1 seed in 1992 and 1998.  We lost in the first round two years-in-a-row.  I knew exactly how a loss to UNI would play out.  We would miss a few early easy buckets.  UNI would hit over 50% in the first half.  Sherron Collins would be shaky.  UNI’s D would force turnovers.  The worst-case scenario played itself out exactly like we have seen before.

I still to this day question how a team like Kansas can come out as flat as they do in games like these.  Sure, they can get themselves up to beat K-State decisively three times this season, but can always underestimate an opponent like UNI.  Why??  How can you underestimate them??  They are the MVC regular season and tournament champions.  If we had played with the same intensity that we did in the last ten minutes the entire game, we would have strolled by 20…easily.

And to Bill Self, why has full court pressure been so underutilized this season??  We certainly had the bodies to do it.  *sigh*  I’m nitpicking here.  When KU pulled within three in the waning seconds of the game, a UNI fan sitting behind be said, “Kansas doesn’t deserve to win this game.”  I turned to him, he knowing that I was rooting for KU, and said, “You know what??  You’re right.”  You might live by the William Munny parlance that “Deserve’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”  Well it does and it doesn’t.  You can’t play like an asshole for 35 minutes and expect to pull it out.

So, this is the reason why I don’t’ go gambling: Me, Logg and HP now have $600 worth of tickets to the Midwest Regional Final in St. Louis that we bought last May…and no team to root for.

My buddy Gio texted me after the game:

“This upset is like Heidi Montag stealing a part from Meryl Streep to portray an english aristocrat…Literally.”

I don’t know about that.  UNI is a good team…and they deserved to win.

Congratulations.

And Fuck Your Mother.

Part 1: ESPN’s College GameDay observations, the Octagon of Doom, banned blue chickens, and defining EMAW.
Part 2:  Post-game reactions and rants.

Conor Jay and Big Pat talk with head writer Bellwether Johnson on Frank “The Tank” Martin and the team as a whole, KU’s scare against Baylor, and why MU sucks (Sorry Steve).