It’s funny; on 95% of nights, I don’t watch the Royals game until at least 10:30-11:00, and I try to avoid places where I may accidentally see the final score.  That means no ESPN, no other baseball games, I can only watch the first 20 minutes of the local news, and I even got busted catching about 3 minutes of game 7 of the NBA finals.  I fucking hate when I accidentally find out the score.  Let’s be honest here; 60% of the games I watch are going to be losses.  But at least I can watch most of the game, and hope that the Royals will stage some magical comeback.   But once I see the score, I will more than likely just delete it, and find something shitty on TV to watch instead.

Because the Cardinals are playing in KC tonight, there is another place that I have to avoid like the plague…

Facebook

I can’t take a chance that one of my classically bandwagon St. Louis “friends” might leak something in their status update.  You know it would be something like, “Felipe*__thinks the cards r gunna win the hole thing this year if they play like they did 2nite in KC.  Go cards!”

*Name changed to protect the idiots.

So since I haven’t watched the game yet, I only have three things that I can blog about tonight.  Those are: 1. The NHL draft 2. Financial Regulatory Reform or 3. The shit that I hate on Facebook (more specifically, status updates).

Let’s go with Facebook.  The following is a list of my five biggest pet peeves that I see in people’s status updates:

5. Random Song Lyrics – I know almost every lyric to every popular song that has been written in the last 30 years.  I am the fucking karaoke king.

Hugh Jerection__ ”Once beneath the stars/the universe was ours/love was all we knew/and all I knew was you.”

Even I cannot figure out what obscure line from a song you just posted.  Two questions for you: 1. What fucking song is that from?  2. Why the fuck is it important that we all see it?

4. Play by play of you watching a game – I am watching the game.  You are watching the game.  Lots of people are watching the game.  I like a little camaraderie during the game.  I usually stick with texts to HP.  What I don’t need to is open my Facebook and see nothing but posts from you…

Seymore Butts__ ”Whew!”

Seymore Butts__ ”That was a travel”

Seymore Butts__ “Come on guys, pull you heads out of you’re a$$e$!”

Seymore Butts__ ”Make a shot, Johnson.”

Seymore Butts__ ”Nice rebound”

You catch my drift.  Those posts would have only covered the final 19 seconds of the game.  Shut the fuck up.  Besides, why are you on Facebook while you’re watching the game anyway?  Just watch the damn game…

3. Work travel schedules – Come on, you have these people.

Oliver Closoff__ ”ORD -> LAX today.  Then LAX -> MCI tomorrow through Thursday.”

I don’t care where the hell you are working this week.  It’s not like I would need to track you down on your hotel land line or something.  If you’re wondering about my schedule this coming week, it is STL -> STL every goddamn day.

2.  How much love you have for your significant other – Yes, I know you love your wife.  You married her, duh?

Mike Hunt__ ”I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world.  She is my light and my rock.  It’s been the best 11 weeks I have ever had.  I love you, Donna!”

I tell my fiancée I love her every day…in the privacy of my own home.  I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to 386 people that I haven’t actually spoken to in four years.  Get a room.

1. Your Exercise – I am pretty sure that I don’t need to explain this to anyone.

Heywood Jablowme__ “Started out thinking I would only run 6 miles this morning, but felt so good at the 5 mile mark, just kept going.  Ended up doing 37 miles before work.  Plus tonight I am at the gym from 7:00-11:00.  Tuesdays are arms and back.  All in a day’s work…”

I hate you.   Besides, for all we know you could be lying.  What time did you finally roll into the office anyway?  Really?  9:00?  Did you start your run yesterday?  It’s a computer program.  If I didn’t have pictures on my page I could tell everyone I was 6’1” 200 lbs. too.

So here is the deal.  If you happen to be one of my Facebook “friends”, and you use any of these five items in you update, I am removing you from my “friend” list.  It’s that simple.

Oh, and don’t tell me the Royals score…

LWood Kellogg__ “Why do I bother/when you’re not the one for me/is enough enough?   Come on Zack!  Oh, of you need me I’ll be traveling to Barcelona in the morning, and Guadalhara in the afternoon.  Before that though I need to take a 20 mile run and a poop.  Oh, and I love you baby!  See you when I get done watching the game…

Pros: He’s from freaking Iowa!!  Woo Hoo!!  Hey, that’s where I live, and having to deal with the insufferable Hawkeye fans talking themselves into thinking their program is on par with Ohio State and Michigan every year notwithstanding, I have become somewhat of an Iowa bandwagoneer.  Iowa being a Big Ten school, this doesn’t infringe on my KU fandom.

Here’s what you need to know about Iowa football: they play just like the Chiefs.  Well, not like these Chiefs, but the good old 1990’s Chiefs teams you used to know and love.  Last year, against Penn State, Iowa allowed a 63 yard opening touchdown drive.  They did not allow Penn State past the 35 yard line the rest of the game.  They play a tough front four, have an excellent pass rush, and absolutely shut you down on the corners.  On offense, they’re content with pounding the ball, and playing the field position game.

So what does Tony Moeaki have to do with any of this??  Well, he’s that hard-nosed, do-anything type of player that Pioli (and good friend and Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz) loves.  Need a block??  He’ll do it.  Need a first down catch over the middle??  He’ll do it.  Good.  Solid.  Moeaki.

Cons: He’s not Tony Gonzalez.  The comparisons started coming in right off the bat (LOOK!!  His name is Tony, too!!), but let’s be honest.  Tony Gonzalez is the greatest TE to ever play the game.  The resemblance seems ridiculous to me, but there’s going to be some Chiefs fans who will tune in week 6 and see that Moeaki only has one TD reception, and think of him as a disappointment.  This is inevitable, especially since we moved up in the third round to take him. 

We’re not going to pay Moeaki to make TD receptions.  We’re going to pay him to play an adequate, solid, un-spectacular tight end.  And that he can do.  He’s not flashy, and will not awe you with any aspect of his game, but he can hold his own…and that’s what this offense needs. 

That is, if he can stay healthy.  If there’s one knock on Moeaki, it’s his propensity to get injured.  He’s broken wrists, elbows, foots, strained hammys and calfs, but still made it onto the field.  We’ll have to cross our fingers and hope that he can relieve some pressure on not only Matt Cassell, but also Dwayne Bowe and Dexter McCluster.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.  I was talking with his former head coach Kirk Ferentz at Iowa the other day.  You know what Ferentz told me??  He said that this guy Moeaki is the best fucking Tight End he’s ever coached.  Now, I don’t know anything about Kirk Ferentz, but the guy seemed to know what he was talking about.  And I tell you what about this kid Moeaki.  He might not be able to stomp any taints, but if you ask him to stomp some taints, he’s damn well gonna try to stomp some taints.  This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: Swiffer WetJet

You’ve seen it.  It’s fucking awful.  Lady buys a Swiffer WetJet.  Old mop is thrown out by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  Old mop is dejected.  Old mop sees old broom.  Old broom had previouly been rejected by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  “Who’s that Lady” plays.  Old mop is attracted to old broom.  Old mop and old broom live happily ever after.  I stab myself in the brain with a grapefruit spoon.

Here’s the thing about that commercial, though.  It’s not for you.  You are not the target audience.  It is for middle-aged housewives who actually have to stay home and clean up after your disgusting-ass self.  And you know what??  Middle-aged housewives love that shit.  I mean they just eat it up.  They think, “Oh, that’s so funny!!  Look at how cute those two mops are!!  I wish my husband still looked at me that way.  Maybe I should get the Ab Circle Pro out from underneath the bed…where’s that box of Milanos??”  You see, this draft pick is not for you, either.  You want touchdowns.  Football coaches what a player they can forget about in terms of whether or not he’ll do his job.  

Also, the Swiffer is not an absolute necessity.  It gets the job done, but an old mop could get the job done too.  Sure, that old mop wouldn’t be ideal; it would leave some scuff marks.  But the Swiffer not only sweeps, it cleans and polishes, too!!  We could have continued on with an old mop off the scrap heap.  Or we could have held on to our Cortech 485446 Floor Polisher.  Instead we got a Swiffer.  You spend a few extra bucks on it when you go to Target, and it’s there when you need it.

Pros: A very good cover corner in college and a dynamic kick returner; rated #1 in the draft on many boards.  Plus: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.  TRADITION!!

Cons: Undersized at 5-7 and 200 lbs.  He figures to be a nickel back in most situations.  You had better believe teams are going to concentrate on isolating their tight ends on him on passing downs…and didn’t we just spend a pick on a hybrid return man??  Also: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “You know, when I coached the Oakland Raiders, we had a quarterback.  His name was Rich Fucking Gannon.  Now, you think anybody gave this guy a shot?  No.  And what does he go out and do?  He wins the fucking MVP of the National Fucking Football League.  This guy Javier Arenas; he’s small by NFL standards – I mean my horse’s cock is bigger than him – but I tell you what, guys.  This guy Javier Arenas, he’s a fucking football player.  Just like Rich Fucking Gannon.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: HughesNet High Speed Internet Service.

I don’t know how many of you have seen these commercials.  I’m guessing maybe not a whole lot.  Hughesnet is basically internet by satellite, or internet for hayseeds who live in the sticks and can’t get a cable hookup.  I live in Iowa.  This state is nothing but hayseeds who live in the sticks.

Now the commercial stars one Kimberly Joseph who, if you ask me, is quite striking* in a Hannah Storm kind of way.

* It’s funny.  The closer you move to thirty, the more attractive “older” ladies become.  What used to be dismissed in my own head as a Mrs. Robinson situation is now an actual, not-frowned-upon-by-society possibility.  I’m not downplaying the attractiveness or Ms. Joseph.  I’m just saying that if I saw her out at a bar, I wouldn’t feel as weird as I would as a 23 year-old about going up and talking to her…and promptly getting rejected.

The problem with this commercial (which I could not was too lazy to find) is that her hair is all whacked out.  It looks like somebody stuck a sea-urchin on the back of her head.  I look at Arenas’ size the same way.  Just like I can’t watch HughesNet girl without thinking about how fucked up her hair is, I can’t get past the fact that Arenas is Tom Cruise size.  Sure, I see all of the really attractive qualities about him, but can’t help but think that he’s nothing more than the second coming of Mark McMillan.

Also: The HughesNet product itself.  It’s like DirecTV without the TV.  You get your internet thru a sattelite.  It seems like such a hassle to invest the money to get an entire freaking satellite just to get internet.  Are we sure that we need to invest the time and money just to get a kick returner??

Hell, who am I kidding.  Considering the timing, placement and round, Arenas might end up being the pick of this draft.

Ways He’s Not Like the Television Character Dexter: His hair is not nearly as cool (or it’s a lot cooler??).  Also, he’s not a serial killer…I think… 

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “I tell you what, guys.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.  He’ll do anything you need on the football field.  If I were this fucking guy’s coach, I’d tell him to stomp the opposing team in the taint.  And you know what??  Goodbye taint.  You might as well go ahead and start writing the taint’s eulogy right now.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.”

Nickname When He Scores a Touchdown: The O-Dub.  When McCluster was drafted, all of the talking heads around the table on ESPN were talking about him as a change-of-pace back.  The Chiefs plan on doing more than just letting him cleanup the table scraps of Jamal Charles and Thomas Jones.  This is why the people on ESPN are idiots.

McCluster will be used a number of different ways, and the best-case-scenereo projections have him somewhere between Percy Harvin and Reggie Bush as a slash/hybrid slot reciever/returner.  When asked before the draft whether he was a RB or a WR, McCluster responded with:  “That’s hard to say.  I would say I consider myself an Offensive Weapon.”  

Offensive Weapon = OW…The O-Dub.  You’re welcome, Mitch Holtus.  

Nickname When He Fumbles: McClusetr-fuck.  That was easy. 

Pick as Overplayed Commercial:  The Coors Light Home Draft

I don’t think there was any commercial that was shown more during the draft than this one.  You know, where Ditka shows up with some hottie cheerleaders and they all drink beer and grow moustaches, or something.   “We can have a draught while we watch the draft!!,” exclaims an excitable fellow, to his football-loving compatriots.  Which is great, because I can’t, because, as the commercial says, The Coors Light Home Draft is not available yet…it is ”coming soon.”

At first, you think, “What the hell do I need something like that for??”  Then you see it a few times and you’re like, “Well, I guess that would make things a little bit more convienient,” but then, after about the 1,200th time, you start thinking, “Wow…I really don’t need something that large hogging my fridge space, and I know that if I had it, I’d be tempted to use it just a little too much, and end up sluggish and overweight.”

This is the same way I feel about McCluster.  Is the offensive coaching staff going to force the ball to McCluster in order to justify the pick and end up using him in ways he shouldn’t be used??

Let’s just stick to letting him move the ball down the field before we asking him to stomp any taints.

In the early evening, I am usually watching normal prime time shows like American Idol.  This is because I have a wonderful fiancée that I would like to actually marry me. The last thing I need to do in this situation is subject her to the torture that is watching the Wild or the Royals.  Then when she goes to bed, I watch the game that I recorded earlier in the evening. This allows me to sit on the couch in silence as my dreams of actually having a team I like win a championship (or even make the playoffs) are dashed time and time again. 

But this routine presents a problem.  It conditions me to a schedule of staying up late every single night.  As you know, there is not a game every single night.  So, on those nights, I usually end up just watching TV.  But there is a bigger problem.  Inevitably, I find a movie on TV that is just starting at midnight or later.  These movies are the kind that I cannot turn off.  Bellweather and I touched on this in a conversation during KU’s weekend here in St. Louis for the Regional Finals (SHIT!!!!!).  He agreed that there were some movies that just cannot be turned off no matter what time it is.  Here is a complete analysis of these movies for me.  Besides, there was no Royals/Wild game last night, and I am pretty sure Bellweather covered the season opener for the Royals…

Movies that I must watch no matter what freaking time it is…

10. Fletch – I was sitting at a bar last night with a couple of friends.  My buddy Brett ordered a steak sandwich.  The only appropriate response to that order is to say, “I’ll have a bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a…steak sandwich, please.”  If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you have not seen Fletch, and you should be ashamed.  Stop reading this, go to Netflix, and queue it right now.  It may be one of the most quotable movies ever behind only nos. 4 and 1 on this list.  It is also the only “good” movie starring Chevy Chase other than no. 4.  “What kind of a name is Poon, anyway?”  “Camanche Indian.”

9. Harry Potter Movies (any after the first two) – Look, I know what you’re thinking.   I have answers to both of your questions.  1. My fiancée is a woman.  2. I am not required to register with any government agency when I move.  Bottom line is that these movies are awesome.  The effects are great, and the story line is compelling (while completely predictable).  The first two stink because they spend way too much time establishing the story line, and introducing a villain who doesn’t actually come back for a few more movies.  But the last four have been exceptional.  Get past yourself, and watch them.  You’ll be hooked. 

8. Starship Troopers – I have no idea what I am so addicted to this movie.  It is so over the top bad that you almost have to think that they made it that way intentionally.  The cast reads like a list of castoff 90210 extras…Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris…I can go on.  But the effects are awesome, the plot is cool, and you get to see Van Dien overacting the line “Come on you apes!  You wanna live forever?!?!”  Awesome. 

7. Die Hard – This goes for the original AND the “With a Vengeance” version.  You are not a real guy if you are able to switch channels during either of these movies.  John McClain is a badass.   Yippe-ki-yay… End of story.

6. Days of Thunder – NASCAR sucks.  That is, unless Maverick is racing a car for a team owned by Cousin Eddie, and managed by Vito’s Consiglieri.  And that’s exactly what we have here.  Standard 80’s Tom Cruise movie plot; Hero is awesome, has something bad happen to him, loses his confidence, has a supportive chick, and wins in the end.  Sounds remarkably similar to…

5. Top Gun – You know I love this movie.  I own it on DVD, and yet I have a version of it recorded on my DVR so that I don’t have to get up from the couch and put the DVD in.  Severely quotable, Top Gun may be the greatest action movie of all time.  There, I said it.

4. Caddyshack – THE MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE EVER.  But here is the kicker; don’t quote Caddyshack unless you know the line front and back.  I hate when people butcher Caddyshack lines.  If you say something like, “So I was caddying for the Dali Llama…” in my presence, you can expect to be corrected at a minimum, but more likely slapped silly. The scene where Ty and Danny are discussing Danny’s future may be the single greatest exchange in all of movie history. “What’s wrong with lumberyards??  I own three lumberyards.”  “I notice you don’t spend much time there.”  “I’m not sure where they are.”

3. Major League – The only instance in history where taking a movie that is full of swearing, and editing it for TV actually made the movie better.  The unintentional comedy of Dorn walking up to Vaughn in the ninth inning and saying, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you.  Strike this [GUY] out!!!” is priceless.  An evil owner puts together a roster of horrible players, hoping that they lose so badly that they have no attendance, and the team can move.  This is a story that all Royals fans should be able to relate to.  Except for the end, when they actually win.

2. Hoosiers – Do I even need to explain this one?  It’s the greatest sports movie ever made.  If you haven’t seen it, then leave this site and never return.  You know nothing about sports. 

1. A Few Good Men – This movie gets my vote for best overall movie of all time.  The story line is electric, the acting is great, and if you can’t quote at least 85% of Jessup’s “You can’t handle the truth” monologue, then I feel sorry for you.  I may or may not have used the line, “Thank you for playing ‘Should We or Should We Not Follow the Advice of the Galacticly Stupid’!” at work during a meeting.  See this movie, own this movie, don’t you dare turn this movie off…ever.

Honorable mention to PCU, Slap Shot, Armageddon, The Color of Money, Wall Street, Iron Eagle, Con Air, and Made.  If you have any that you think I missed, let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com.

So there you have it.  I should probably explore the “Major League/Royals Corollary”, but I’ll leave that for another day.  Until then, enjoy baseball, and whatever movie happens to come on after the game is over.

I blame this entirely on the three douchebags who played darts for 6 hours at the Sports Attic.  Because they were doing that, HP and I were unable to sit in our seats.  We were forced instead to sit in the less reliable section.*  It just didn’t work.  I tried to will Kansas to victory.  HP gave it his best effort.  My wonderful fiancée continued sending positive vibes via the text line to us at the Attic (and she’s a Mizzou fan, God love her).  Down 10 with 10 or so to go, we thought the tides had turned for the better.  Hall and Oates came on the speakers, and we danced. 

*If you ever make it to the Sports Attic, go to the back two tables. The one on the left is the one that HP knocked over jubilantly after Mario’s Miracle.  So we have won some games there, but we have also not exactly played our A-game at times as well.

I’ll say that again.  HP and I danced like morons to Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True”.   Feel free to click here, and enjoy while you finish this column.

We had to do something to change the momentum.  And it sort of did.  KU went on their mini-run after that.  Apparently, Hall and Oates inspires finally using a full court press to speed the game up.  But alas, it wasn’t enough.

So here I sit, on my couch with my computer.  $170 worth of St. Louis regional finals tickets on the table, Bellwether and his parents in a car somewhere between KC and Columbia, and no Jayhawks to watch.  Oh well, at least we’ll have beer.

Now, that is all I am going to say about KU until next fall.  I have gone through all the stages of grief finally settling somewhere between “Depression” and “Acceptance”, and that is where I am going to stay until the tournament is actually over.  Then and only then will I move permanently into “Depression” just in time for Royals baseball.

No, I want to talk about something else.  My most hated “Facebook Friend”. 

Louis.

I will withhold the last name, not because I think he will read this, but because the KCSP legal department has advised me to do so.*

*The KCSP legal department is located just down the hall from my office here at headquarters, and consists entirely of D-Lee watching old episodes of Ally McBeal

Louis is the worst sports fan…ever.

There, I said it.  This is the guy who for some reason is the biggest fan of the most hated teams in the world for absolutely NO REASON.  Louis was born and raised in Iowa.  He still lives there.  He will never leave there.  And here are his teams…

Yankees

Lakers

Kentucky Basketball

USC Football

And a recent addition this past season was the Saints.

How do you justify being that big of an asshole???  Look, I am not saying that you cannot like whoever you want to like…wait…yes I am!  You have to have legitimate reasons for liking your teams.  Here are the legitimate reasons in order: 

1. It’s where you were born – I was born in KC, therefore I have a right (and an obligation, quite frankly) to root for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks.
2. You lived in the town at some point, but didn’t already have an allegiance to a team in that particular sport – If and when I ever take the time to give a shit about the NBA, I root for the Indiana Pacers.  I lived in Indianapolis, and did not have a basketball team from KC.  Therefore I am allowed to grab the Pacers.  (God all my teams suck).
3. You went to the college – Here is where you get some gray areas.  I didn’t go to KU, but I am covered on them in rule #1.  I do root for Drake, but in the event that KU and Drake ever meet for a national title, I will stick with KU because they were there first.  I will also stab my testicles with sharp objects.
4. You swap allegiances because you now own season tickets – I lived in Detroit for a while.  The Red Wings became my hockey team because it was the first time I lived in a town with a hockey team per rule #2.  However, when I moved to Minnesota, and the NHL announced an expansion team for St. Paul, we bought (and still own) season tickets to the Wild.  Therefore I can claim the Wild as my team, and renounce the Wings.  However, you must renounce your former team completely.  None of this “Well, I like the Wild.  But they aren’t very good, so I will root for the Wings in the playoffs”.  It’s all or nothing.
5. You have a religious affiliation (The Notre Dame Rule) – If you are Catholic, have ever been Catholic, or have a Catholic grandfather, you can like Notre Dame.

That’s it.  Those are the rules.  So I don’t want to see status updates from Louis saying, “Kentcuky showing why it’s the shiznit.  Go Cats”.  That is an actual post from Louis last night.  I don’t want to hear it from any of you unless you can apply the above rules first. 

Don’t be a Louis. 

Who says shiznit, by the way???  That’s more dated than Hall and Oates.

Boo ya!

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Did you see Manitoba just flatten Prince Edward Island?  Oh, you didn’t?  Me neither.  I was too busy immersing myself completely in college basketball hysteria.  Here is how excited I am; pretend this guy is me, and the fire is college basketball.  Get the idea?

As a KU fan, tomorrow begins my second favorite part of the season.  The Big XII tournament.  I figured that since I am the official KCSportsPodcast college basketball guru, you all would appreciate my opinion on what’s going to happen over the next four days in Kansas City.

Plus, do you really want to read anymore about the Royals?  I thought so.

So here we go with my predictions on how everyone will do starting with the worst teams, and going to the winner.

The “If they are getting rid of gift baskets, then why are we going?” Group.

Oklahoma 13-17 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can’t.  This season has been a disaster for Boomer.  This team’s fans are just waiting for football season.  That’s it.

Why they will lose:  I don’t know.  Because they aren’t very good at basketball.

Where will they finish: Lose in the first round to Oklahoma State by 20.

Nebraska 14-17 (2-14):

Why they can win: They also cannot.  The only thing they might win is the “Guy with the longest name” award.

Why they will lose: Because that same guy just looks too much like Scott Baio. 

Where they will finish: Lose in the first round to Missouri by 10.

The “Let’s piss someone’s fans off and win a game we shouldn’t” Group

Iowa State 15-16 (4-12):

Why they can win: Ask Kansas State.  They are athletic.  Craig Brackens would be all Big XII if he was surrounded with anything, and Gilstrap can play.  Plus, you gotta’ believe that they are coming in with quite a bit of confidence.

Why they will lose: Along with confidence, a game like that also gives you a lot of mental and physical fatigue

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Texas Tech 16-14 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can tie.  Check this stat out.  Texas tech scores on average 76.4 points per game.  They give up 76.4 points per game.  My guess is that they find a way to tie it.   Then they just need one point in OT to win.

Why they will lose: This team was 12-2 coming into conference play, and 4-12 since then.  They kind of a collapse doesn’t happen for no reason.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

The “How the hell were we ever ranked #1” Group

Texas 23-8 (9-7):

Why they can win: The talent is there.  People didn’t just guess that this team was good, and rank them #1.  If they can play to their potential, they can win the whole tournament.

Why the will lose: Because they won’t play to their potential.  Plus, I hate Texass. (misspelled on purpose)

Where they will finish:  Well, if you have been following along with your brackets you will notice that I think they will lose in the opening round to Iowa State by 8.

The “You should win the first game, but I would never wager on you” Group

Colorado 15-15 (6-10):

Why they can win: They just beat the Red Raiders by 11 last weekend.  Plus, Alec Burks gets to come and play in his hometown.

Why they will lose: The Buffs are on a three game winning streak.  They haven’t had a four game streak this entire season.

Where they will finish: Lose to Texas Tech in the opening round by 6

The “Teams that are complete wild cards” Group

Oklahoma State 21-9 (9-7):

Why they can win: Two words; James Anderson.  He is the only guy in the tournament with the ability to pick his team up onto his back and carry them to a title.

Why they will lose: Three words; No One Else.  That’s the problem.  If Anderson is off, who is going to pick up the slack?  It is saying something when you have the Big XII player of the year, and yet you barley finished above .500 in the league. 

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals.

The “What do you mean we have a first round bye” Group

Texas A&M 22-8 (11-5):

Why they can win: I personally believe that Turgeon should have been coach of the year.  You look at this team, and you don’t see anything real special.  But they somehow get it done.  They get good guard play from Sloan, and have a solid big man in Bryan Davis.

Why they will lose: This team has not had this kind of success in a while.  They have only had a first round bye three times ever.  Average seeding…8.3.  Too much pressure on the poor Aggies.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Baylor 24-6 (11-5):

Why they can win: LaceDarius Dunn is a star.  As is LaceQuincy Acy and LaceEkpe Udoh.  This team can be LaceScary.

Why they will lose: Again, I think it comes back to experience at this point.  The highest seed Baylor has ever had was a 5, and that’s only happened twice.  Look, just be happy that Tweety Carter hasn’t killed anyone.  What??  Too soon?

Where they will finish: Semi-Finals

The “Dear God, please let this happen” Group

Missouri 22-9 (10-6)

Why they can win: They do have some experience in this tournament being that they won it last season.  The style of play is pretty good for tournament play, as it wears down the opponents.  Plus, there is no way that God would deprive me of yet a third KU beat-down of the Misery.

Why they will lose: All that being said, if the tiggers attempt to build an addition onto the Sprint Center with bricks, they could be back in CoMo before dinner on Wednesday.

Where they will finish: Semi-finals, and it’s gonna’ be the biggest defeat yet.

The “We all knew it would come down to this” Group

Kansas 29-2 (15-1)

Why they can win: because they are the best goddamn team in the whole goddamn country.  You know that.

Why they will lose: KU doesn’t have a lot going for them in this game.  They will have wrapped up the number one overall seed and a trip to St. Louis.  They don’t have anything to prove.

Where they will finish: Let the kitties finally win one, for crying out loud.

Kansas State 24-6 (11-5)

Why they can lose: See what I did there???  Anyway, K-State has some flaws.  We saw that last weekend.  I have some advice for the Cats.  Don’t name your arena if you plan on losing there pretty consistently.  I am having a real tough time backing you up right now.

Why they will win: This is the mf-ing superbowl for State.  It’s in KC, It’s against KU, and everyone is talking about the Cats falling apart against ISU.  Notice how the discussion went from “should K-State get a one seed” to “K-State will be lucky to get a three seed” just like that.  The cats are listening, and Frank Martin is getting angry.  Bellwether just peed a little when he read that.

Where they will finish: Big XII Tournament Champions*

You see what I did there Mizzou fans?  Yeah, you know.

Of course, what the hell do I know?  Scott Baio could get hot, and take the whole thing…

***What are your predictions?  Let us know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010