Category Archives: Feature

Posts dedicated to special feature articles.

6th Annual March Madness Pool

0
Posted by Conor Jay on 03/11/2010 – 10:02am
Filed under: Feature  

Registration Steps:

  1. Login/Register at Facebook.com.
  2. Add the Facebook application CBSSports.com Brackets.
  3. Join the 6th Annual March Madness Pool [KCSportsPodcast.com] with your account.
  4. Submit your Tournament Bracket before 10:50 AM CT,  March 18th.
  5. [OPTIONAL] Bet $10.00 via PayPal.com before the Tournament Bracket deadline. 

Notes:

  • The Magic Number is the sum of members bets and will be updated here.
  • 1st Place will receive 100% of the pool and be a guest on the KC Sports Podcast.
  • Only paid members (see 5), may win the pool. Other members can play for recreation.
  • Rules and scoring are available here: http://apps.facebook.com/cbssports/rules.

Questions?
Please reply to this post.

Listen To Me; I Am An Expert

0
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 03/09/2010 – 4:06pm
Filed under: Feature, Local College  

It’s baaaaack.  Yup, March Madness is fully upon us.  The Tim Horton’s Brier Curling Cup competition started Saturday. 

Did you see Manitoba just flatten Prince Edward Island?  Oh, you didn’t?  Me neither.  I was too busy immersing myself completely in college basketball hysteria.  Here is how excited I am; pretend this guy is me, and the fire is college basketball.  Get the idea?

As a KU fan, tomorrow begins my second favorite part of the season.  The Big XII tournament.  I figured that since I am the official KCSportsPodcast college basketball guru, you all would appreciate my opinion on what’s going to happen over the next four days in Kansas City.

Plus, do you really want to read anymore about the Royals?  I thought so.

So here we go with my predictions on how everyone will do starting with the worst teams, and going to the winner.

The “If they are getting rid of gift baskets, then why are we going?” Group.

Oklahoma 13-17 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can’t.  This season has been a disaster for Boomer.  This team’s fans are just waiting for football season.  That’s it.

Why they will lose:  I don’t know.  Because they aren’t very good at basketball.

Where will they finish: Lose in the first round to Oklahoma State by 20.

Nebraska 14-17 (2-14):

Why they can win: They also cannot.  The only thing they might win is the “Guy with the longest name” award.

Why they will lose: Because that same guy just looks too much like Scott Baio. 

Where they will finish: Lose in the first round to Missouri by 10.

The “Let’s piss someone’s fans off and win a game we shouldn’t” Group

Iowa State 15-16 (4-12):

Why they can win: Ask Kansas State.  They are athletic.  Craig Brackens would be all Big XII if he was surrounded with anything, and Gilstrap can play.  Plus, you gotta’ believe that they are coming in with quite a bit of confidence.

Why they will lose: Along with confidence, a game like that also gives you a lot of mental and physical fatigue

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Texas Tech 16-14 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can tie.  Check this stat out.  Texas tech scores on average 76.4 points per game.  They give up 76.4 points per game.  My guess is that they find a way to tie it.   Then they just need one point in OT to win.

Why they will lose: This team was 12-2 coming into conference play, and 4-12 since then.  They kind of a collapse doesn’t happen for no reason.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

The “How the hell were we ever ranked #1” Group

Texas 23-8 (9-7):

Why they can win: The talent is there.  People didn’t just guess that this team was good, and rank them #1.  If they can play to their potential, they can win the whole tournament.

Why the will lose: Because they won’t play to their potential.  Plus, I hate Texass. (misspelled on purpose)

Where they will finish:  Well, if you have been following along with your brackets you will notice that I think they will lose in the opening round to Iowa State by 8.

The “You should win the first game, but I would never wager on you” Group

Colorado 15-15 (6-10):

Why they can win: They just beat the Red Raiders by 11 last weekend.  Plus, Alec Burks gets to come and play in his hometown.

Why they will lose: The Buffs are on a three game winning streak.  They haven’t had a four game streak this entire season.

Where they will finish: Lose to Texas Tech in the opening round by 6

The “Teams that are complete wild cards” Group

Oklahoma State 21-9 (9-7):

Why they can win: Two words; James Anderson.  He is the only guy in the tournament with the ability to pick his team up onto his back and carry them to a title.

Why they will lose: Three words; No One Else.  That’s the problem.  If Anderson is off, who is going to pick up the slack?  It is saying something when you have the Big XII player of the year, and yet you barley finished above .500 in the league. 

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals.

The “What do you mean we have a first round bye” Group

Texas A&M 22-8 (11-5):

Why they can win: I personally believe that Turgeon should have been coach of the year.  You look at this team, and you don’t see anything real special.  But they somehow get it done.  They get good guard play from Sloan, and have a solid big man in Bryan Davis.

Why they will lose: This team has not had this kind of success in a while.  They have only had a first round bye three times ever.  Average seeding…8.3.  Too much pressure on the poor Aggies.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Baylor 24-6 (11-5):

Why they can win: LaceDarius Dunn is a star.  As is LaceQuincy Acy and LaceEkpe Udoh.  This team can be LaceScary.

Why they will lose: Again, I think it comes back to experience at this point.  The highest seed Baylor has ever had was a 5, and that’s only happened twice.  Look, just be happy that Tweety Carter hasn’t killed anyone.  What??  Too soon?

Where they will finish: Semi-Finals

The “Dear God, please let this happen” Group

Missouri 22-9 (10-6)

Why they can win: They do have some experience in this tournament being that they won it last season.  The style of play is pretty good for tournament play, as it wears down the opponents.  Plus, there is no way that God would deprive me of yet a third KU beat-down of the Misery.

Why they will lose: All that being said, if the tiggers attempt to build an addition onto the Sprint Center with bricks, they could be back in CoMo before dinner on Wednesday.

Where they will finish: Semi-finals, and it’s gonna’ be the biggest defeat yet.

The “We all knew it would come down to this” Group

Kansas 29-2 (15-1)

Why they can win: because they are the best goddamn team in the whole goddamn country.  You know that.

Why they will lose: KU doesn’t have a lot going for them in this game.  They will have wrapped up the number one overall seed and a trip to St. Louis.  They don’t have anything to prove.

Where they will finish: Let the kitties finally win one, for crying out loud.

Kansas State 24-6 (11-5)

Why they can lose: See what I did there???  Anyway, K-State has some flaws.  We saw that last weekend.  I have some advice for the Cats.  Don’t name your arena if you plan on losing there pretty consistently.  I am having a real tough time backing you up right now.

Why they will win: This is the mf-ing superbowl for State.  It’s in KC, It’s against KU, and everyone is talking about the Cats falling apart against ISU.  Notice how the discussion went from “should K-State get a one seed” to “K-State will be lucky to get a three seed” just like that.  The cats are listening, and Frank Martin is getting angry.  Bellwether just peed a little when he read that.

Where they will finish: Big XII Tournament Champions*

You see what I did there Mizzou fans?  Yeah, you know.

Of course, what the hell do I know?  Scott Baio could get hot, and take the whole thing…

***What are your predictions?  Let us know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

0
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports  

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

Little Pucks and Big Ass Rocks

3
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/16/2010 – 4:02pm
Filed under: Feature  

I am sure you have all enjoyed the Winter Olympics over the last four days or so.  I mean, what’s not to like about seeing Wayne Gretzky standing, waiting and making a face like he was desperately trying to hold in a huge dump during the opening ceremonies? 

The games have been fun too, with the exception of the tragedy on the luge on Friday.  You have speed skating (which may be more boring than NASCAR), ski jumping (which the USA is so bad at that they don’t even have a team.  I am serious.  The jumpers for the US paid their own way to get there.  Hey, we’re in a recession.), and snow-cross (which is merely a made up sport by ESPN in order to get people to pay attention to the Winter X-Games).  All of those are fine and good.  They must be at least slightly entertaining considering I have fallen asleep on the couch for three consecutive nights watching them.

But they just don’t stack up to the only two REAL reasons to even have the Winter Olympics.

  1. Curling
  2. Hockey

In that order. 

I love hockey.  You know this.  But for all the greatness of hockey, there is something off about Olympic hockey nowadays.  Because they use professional athletes, and because it takes place right in the middle of the NHL season, there a level of disconnect between the players.  They don’t have a chance to play together at all prior to the games.  They don’t get a chance to install a system.  They basically take 20 really, really good players, give them matching uniforms, and throw them on the ice.  Sure, there will be great plays, games, and moments.  But, it will leave something to be desired.  So, let’s start here with what you need to know about Olympic Hockey, and the teams that will compete for Gold.*

*I am not going to talk about some teams.  I mean, Switzerland, come on.  Stick you what you are good at; watch making and straddling the fence.

The Soviets (okay fine, Russia):

Who you know: Alex Ovechkin is unbelievable.  He along with a Canadian I will mention shortly, are the only players recognized by ESPN.  You see his amazing goals on SportsCenter.  He is the best player in the world.

Who you don’t: Pavel Datsyuk.  If you follow the NHL, you may know him.  But if you don’t, you will thanks to the Olympics.  A phenomenal goal scorer, with a  lot of experience.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Based on my knowledge of Russian Olympians (which is entirely based on Ivan Drago in Rockey IV), I am sure they will be given enough drugs to kill a moose. 

The Hosers (okay fine, Canada):

Who you know: Sidney Crosby is the face of Canadian hockey and the NHL.  He will probably be the captain of the team, and he is only like 14 years old or something.  Sid the Kid will get his, and probably lead the heavily favored Hosers deep in the tournament.

Who you don’t: Roberto Luongo is one of the Canadian goalies.  He will probably get a majority of the starts.  Why is that impressive?  Because, their other goalie is Martin Brodeur who is probably the greatest goalie to ever play the game.  A hot goalie can win you the Gold.  That is all you need to know.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: If you haven’t seen strange brew, stop reading this, and rent it.  You’ll see why, eh?

The Soviets Again (okay fine, Czech Republic):

Who you know: Unless you have adopted the Wild as your NHL team, then you probably don’t know Martin Havlat.  He has come on strong the second half of the year, and should play well with that momentum.Well maybe not. 

Who you don’t: Jakub Stepanek.  I don’t know who this is.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: The Czechs have the most Wi-Fi subscribers in all of the European Union.  Maybe they will start reading this column, and make me a big star if I talk about them.

The Heroes (okay fine, Team USA):

Who you know: Patrick Kane beat up a taxi cab driver over $3 in Buffalo.  He is also a great hockey player, and the future of American hockey.

Who you don’t: Probably everyone else.  Watch for Ryan Miller.  He is the goalie for the US, and is having a phenomenal season for the Sabres.

Completely irrelevant reason they will win: Because that’s who I am rooting for.  Besides, don’t you want to see “Miracle II: the rise of Rafalski”?

So what will happen?  The USA will play very well, but come up short in the semis to Canada.  The hoseheads succumb to the pressure of playing in their homeland, and lose the gold medal to the Russians.  It’ll be fun, though.  Now…

CURLING!!!!!!

A quick explanation of what the hell this is.  Have you ever been drunk at a bar, and all you really want to do is play Golden Tee, but they are all taken by people that are going to play for the rest of the night, so you decide to play that shuffle puck game where you have to keep scraping the wax crumbs up with a coaster?  You haven’t.  Well that’s what it’s like.

Each team has four players.  The teams take turns sliding 40 lb. stones 90 feet down ice towards a target.  After 8 stones each, the team who has the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point for each stone inside the other teams closest stone.  I know, you didn’t get that.  You play 10 innings called “ends”.  At the end of 10, highest score wins. 

You’re probably thinking, “this sounds stupid.”  It’s not.  This sport is like bowling for Canadians.  They do it on Saturday nights while drinking beer.  Any sport where you are encouraged to drink beer is a sport that we should believe in.  I dare you to watch one curling match, and then tell me that you will not ever watch one again.  It is addictive.

As for who will win, probably Canada.   The USA will be around, but a medal would be an upset.  But that’s not the point.  This sport needs to get some legs here in America.  We need wealthy people to watch the Olympics, think “that seems like fun”, and open curling rinks. 

Still need a reason to watch?  Okay, they have a ladies curling competition as well.  Meet team Canada.

We stand on guard for thee.

Hey, Who Let All These Potheads Into Vancouver??

0
Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 02/13/2010 – 10:00am
Filed under: Feature  

Look at that!!  It’s time for the Olympi–oh, shit…

Just in time for the quad-year celebration of all things winter and Olympic-ey, Nodar Kumaritashvili goes and breaks his freaking everything on a luge practice run on the Whistler Sliding Centre (the extra ‘e’ lets you know it’s Canadian).  What a freaking bummer.

And that’s the least of it.  Olympic organizers, already under pressure to justify the speed, turns, and overall dangerousness of the supposedly “fastest track ever,” now have to answer for their decisions to limit the practice time for foreigners on the Olympic venues in the months leading up to the games in order to give an advantage to the native Canadian teams. 

But, far from me to question the integrity of the games, or grandstand on a moral pulpit; I mean, if NBC’s not going to do it, why should I??  After all, there are advertisers to keep happy!!  So, let’s get on with the celebration!!  And by celebration, I mean, let’s bore everybody to death with chiseled actors dressed up like Squanto dancing around pointlessly!!  Oops, I mean, native Inuits…native Inuits.

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a little opening ceremony party, which consisted of the following three things:

1.)    Watching the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony
2.)    Getting uproariously drunk
3.)    Turning off the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony

Actually, there’s something to be said for these faux-celebrations of humanity; it’s fun seeing the little countries with one guy waiving the flag of Tajikistan.  Actually, what I like more are the countries like Azerbaijan that only have two participants.  How shitty would you feel if you were the one who didn’t get to carry the flag??

* This has nothing to do with anything, but I would be remised if I didn’t mention: Somebody needs to (NEEDS to) please, for the love of God, punch this man in the face.  Seriously…like, now.    

It’s tough because there’s no way anyone’s going to top the pageantry of the ’08 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremony.  I mean, when you leave things in the hands of drunken hosers instead of hundreds of thousands of Chinese performing under the slavery of communism, then what is there to really look forward to?? 

I’ll tell you what: potheads!!

That’s right!!  If there’s one thing that all of the countries of the world can come together to celebrate, it’s not the olive branch of peace, the spectacle of international competition, or the hope for all that is brought forth thru sportsmanship.  Nope.  It’s all of that fine, fine British Columbian kind bud.  Mmmm.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It takes an ass-load of skill and guts to do a McTwist on a halfpipe, or careen thru a Super G, or fly down a luge track at 90 mph. 

But when your “Olympic athletes” are saying stuff like this about how it feels to be an Olympian:

“Try to imagine Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth. I somehow tame it and ride it into the sky in the clouds and sunshine and rainbows. That’s what it feels like.”

Kind of takes away from the whole majesty of the ancient Greeks, doesn’t it??

Of course, they never had to luge.  If only they had better pot.

Ed. Note: Look forward to Logg’s Olympic Hockey/Curling preview coming early next week.

Yeah, It’s a Mailbag

1
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/04/2010 – 3:42pm
Filed under: Feature  

Being that this column is decidedly slanted towards my teams, you have to realize that is opinion based.  When I say something like “Missouri is the worst team in the Big XII this season because their ’40 minutes of hell’ is a total gimmick, and last year was complete luck”, that is an opinion.  There is really no factual basis there except for the fact that their supposed vaunted press was absolutely raped last night by Texas A&M.   

I understand that because I write an opinion column, some misguided people will have an opposing opinion on the same subjects.  That is why Ihave opened myself up here.  I have provided my e-mail address  (lwood@kcsportspodcast.com) to any and all who want to write in, and tell me what they think.  This idea has been met with overwhelming support.  Which means that I can now publish the very first official L. Wood Kellogg Mailbag. 

And away we go…

Who the hell gave you your own column on a website?  From what I can tell, you are nothing but a Kansas homer who is so blinded by your fandom, you can’t see reality anymore.  Douche.  – Bill (St. Louis)

LWK: Well, we are off to a positive start.  I don’t know how the hell I convinced a man I had never met to let me post here.  I guess I got a vote of confidence from Bellwether.  And you’re right; I am a KC homer.  So what?  You clearly like your teams.  Doesn’t that make you a homer as well, Bill?  Yeah.  The funny part is, despite my failure to “see reality”, you still take the time to read this, and email me.  Now who’s the douche?  Oh, it’s still me.  Dammit.

How can this be a “Kansas City Sports Column” when you write about hockey?  Kansas City doesn’t have a hockey team!!!  Douche.  – John (Olathe)

LWK: Well, I love hockey.  I don’t care if there isn’t a team in KC.  It’s the best sport ever.  It’s not my fault that you guys failed to support the one team you had.  If and when KC gets a team, you’ll be damn lucky to have such an amazing hockey beat writer already entrenched in KC sports.  You don’t want Bellwether covering the Kansas City Coyotes for you.  Trust me.  Oh, and it is not required that all emails to me end in “douche”.

I saw a recent comment on one of your columns from BW Johnson alluding to someone you know shitting in their bed.  Did that actually happen, and who was it?   - Scottie (Lenexa)

LWK: Uh…let’s just go to the next question…

How do you think the rest of the season goes for KU?  I think they will fall flat on their faces.  Goddamn Beakers.  – Claude (Columbia)

LWK: While I don’t think that they will “fall on their faces”, I do think there will be some struggles down the stretch.  I think they lose to Texas on the road, and then lose in the semifinals of the Big XII tournament.  However, I think they get the overall number one seed in the NCAA tournament, come to St. Louis, and go to the final four.  After that, it’s anyone’s guess.  I really need that to work out like that.  Otherwise, Bellwether, HP and I will be getting drunk watching teams we don’t care about play here.  That’s just not going to be as good of a blog…or is it?

Did you know they are making a MacGruber movie?  WTF???  – Drew (Levenworth)

LWK: Oh, come on.  MacGruber is awesome.  Here is the trailer.  Now tell me you don’t want to see that.  Oh, you don’t.  Well, I am going to see it.  MACGRUBER!!!!

So you’re the hockey expert, eh?  Well, didn’t you predict the Red Wings would beat the Hurricanes to win the Stanley Cup?  The Red Wings will be the 7 or 8 seed in the West at best, and the Hurricanes are the worst team in the entire NHL!!!  – Jay (Minneapolis)

LWK: Um, injuries?  I don’t know. The Eastern Conference is so inferior to the West that it really doesn’t matter who makes it.  I guess I’ll just eat it on the Canes prediction.  Sorry.  I’ll revise my picks and say Chicago over New Jersey (formerly KC Scouts) in 6 games.  Enjoy.

So, you gonna watch the Olympics?  Can we expect Olympic coverage from the KCSportsPodcast Team?   - Kendall (Wyandotte)

LWK: Hell yes I am.  While I can’t speak for everyone else, I will absolutely write about the Olympics.  In fact, be prepared for my Olympic Hockey preview and my Curling preview in about 7-10 days.  Yes, I am serious…curling rules.

Why are you so much better than me at Golden Tee?  I mean, I practice and practice, but every time we play you crush me.  Please give me some pointers.  Hippolito (St. Louis)

LWK: I don’t know, HP.   I think it’s about consistency.  You have stretches where you’re good, but then the wheels fall off.  I’m never too high, never too low.  And in the end, I win.  Good luck!

What’s your prediction for the Royals this season?  Will Rick Ankiel make a difference?    - Bryan (Overland Park)

LWK: I am not as down on the Royals as some.  That being said, I am strongly considering asking my cable company for the exclusive Royals/Pirates/Padres package that only runs from April through June.  The Royals signed Rick Ankiel???  Well, we found our fifth starter.  Oh, wait…

I saw on one podcast that Bellwether was referred to as “Head Writer”, while you are listed as “Contributor”.  How’s that make you feel, bitch? P.S. I own you.  - Name Witheld (Des Moines)

LWK: Not cool, dude.

When I find your Mizzou bashing ass, I am going to kill you.   – Steve (Unknown)

LWK: Just make sure it doesn’t conflict with any of your NIT games.

So there you have it.  For those of you whose emails didn’t make it this time, feel free to keep trying.  And if you think you have what it takes to make the mailbag, give it your best shot.  Oh, and HP, just keep practicing.

To Each His Own

1
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 01/23/2010 – 11:22am
Filed under: Feature  

Anyone that knows me knows that I have my teams, and I root for them hard.  No one questions my passion for the Jayhawks, Chiefs, Royals, and Wild.  So I am certainly not questioning anyone else’s love of their teams.  You can root for anyone you like*.   But anyone that really knows me knows that, along with my teams, I have the teams that I hate, loath, and generally wish ill will upon. You have these teams too.  They may be different than mine, but you have them.  You know the ones where even if your team loses, it’s okay because they lost too.   I wouldn’t piss on these teams if they were on fire.  Though I might piss on them if they aren’t on fire.

*I do request that you have some legitimate reason for liking who you like.  My future brother-in-law loves the Cowboys and the Oklahoma Sooners despite the fact that he appears to have never left the state of Missouri.  He just jumped on a bandwagon in the 90’s.  Now that’s irritating. 

I have many reasons for hating a team.  They may be a rival like the Vancouver Canucks.  They may have players that I dislike like A-Roid.  But the two teams that I hate more than any other two teams in the world have something in common: Their fans are arrogant for absolutely no reason at all. 

The Minnesota Vikings and the Missouri Tigers

What have either of these teams ever done to warrant the amount of trash talking that comes from their fans?  Nothing, that’s what.

What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?  Thief.  Yes, that is one of my favorite jokes ever.  They have been to four Super Bowls, and lost them all.  They haven’t been back to the big game since 1976.  They have lost a couple of NFC championship games.*  They lost one NFC championship to the Giants 41-0.  Not exactly a resume that lends itself to shit talking.  You shouldn’t be talking shit when all the other person has to do is tell that joke again. 

*In college, my roommate Grant was a huge Vikings fan.  On January 17, 1999 we were driving back to Des Moines after a weekend back home.  The Vikings were playing in the NFC championship game against the Falcons.  Grant begged me to let him put his little Vikings car flag on the passenger window of my car.  I eventually agreed.  However, Gary Anderson (who had not missed a field goal all season) pushed one left that would have sealed the game. Then the Falcons drove down, and tied the game with 49 seconds left.  And then Morten Andersen nailed a 38 yarder to send the Vikes home.  It may have been the most satisfying moment of my life seeing Grant slowly, manually crank down the window of my 1996 Chevy Cavalier, and let that flag just fly away into a cold field in Iowa some where.

Oh, Mizzou.  Please Tiger fans, tell me why you are so great.  Seriously, e-mail me at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com, and tell me.  I just don’t see it.  At least the Vikings can say they have been to the championship game.  You can’t even get to the semi-finals.  No final fours…EVER.   No BCS bowl games…EVER.  Even Kansas went to a BCS game, and KU football was a joke for a couple of decades.  You haven’t had an All-American basketball player since 1994, and even then it was Melvin Booker! (Most of you probably didn’t even know that) You aren’t ranked this season, and won’t be.  You might make the tournament, but will lose…again.

I can’t stand listening to Missouri fans claims that they were Big XII Basketball champs last season.  You weren’t.  You were Big XII tournament champions.  There’s a difference.  KU won the Big XII championship last season by beating just about everyone, and finishing at the top.  You won the tournament by beating the 11 seed, 7 seed, and 9 seed.  Good work.

I have already been hearing from MU fans here in St. Louis that they are sure that they will walk into Allen Field House on Monday and dismantle KU.  How?  If I were you, I would be more concerned about beating Nebraska on Saturday.   As Bellwether said on the last podcast; call me when you break the top ten in the polls. 

Bottom line is that no matter the outcome of the Vikings-Saints or Missouri-Kansas games, these fans will continue to boast about their teams until the end of time.  And these boasts will continue to irritate me to the core.  But I suppose that’s what makes sports great.  Maybe I am being a little hard on some of you.  Now that I think of it…

To all Vikings fans, good luck this weekend.  I’ll still be rooting for the Saints, but I wish you the best.  This may be your time.  Enjoy Jared Allen.

And to all you Missouri fans…wait, I just can’t do it.

Muck Fizzou!

1st Annual College Bowl Picks

3
Posted by Conor Jay on 12/13/2009 – 6:51pm
Filed under: Feature  

Download 2009-10 College Bowl Picks Sheet UPDATED (PDF 8.3MB)

The Details:
Pick each winning team by filling in circle.
Pick your confidence rank from 1 through 34.
*No one number can be used twice
*The sum of 1 through 34 will equal 395 595

Fill in your tiebreaker, “Total Rose Bowl Points”.

Submit this sheet by December 19th:
via e-mail: mailbag@kcsportspodcast.com
via fax: 1-913-814-9277

Winning Senarios:
*Highest total confidence points: 50% of pool
*Highest total wins: 50% of pool
*Lowest total confidence points: $10.00

Scoring:
*Confidence points are awarded if the correct winning team is chosen. (595 points possible)

Payment:
*There is a $10.00 entry fee due by Dec. 19th.

Me and HP: a KU CF

2
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/19/2009 – 2:28pm
Filed under: Feature, Local College  

As I mentioned previously, Hippolito Pichardo and I had tickets to the KU-Memphis game here in St. Louis on Tuesday.  I am sure you’re interested*, so here is how this went down.  Sorry for the length, but understand this adventure went on for seven hours.

*Riiiiiiiight.

 

4:45 PM: I exit the highway, call HP, and make my way to his apartment.  HP sounds excited on the phone.  I am enjoying a little Owl City on the iPod.  This is going to be fun.

5:15 PM: Traffic sucks.  HP suggests we listen to some Miley Cyrus (I know, gay right?).   I completely agree, and put some on.  We sing. 

5:45 PM: Downtown St. Louis.  We park, and do a quick check of supplies.  Tickets, check.  Heaters, check.  Keys, wallet, cash, cell phone, check.  My notepad so I don’t forget any of the ridiculousness of this evening, double check.  Let’s roll.  We head to J. Buck’s.  It is where the KU alumni party is.  We wade through KU fans to the bar. I see a shirt that says “Carolina Blue is just past tense for Carolina Blows”.  I feel at home.  HP grabs some Bud Lights.  I see…you’ll never believe this…Matt Kleinman!!!!  I am not kidding; he is standing right by us.  He walks away for a moment. We vow to get a picture of him when he comes back from the bathroom.  He never does.

6:02 PM: Beer is good, but this bar is not.  It takes way too long to actually get a beer.  I suggest we find somewhere else.  HP doesn’t know of any other bars.  He begins searching for them on his iPhone.  He tells me that Bernie Federko’s place is close, and keeps looking.  Then I see this shirt.  Very cool.   HP suggests Flannery’s, but it’s almost a mile from where we are.  We decide to leave anyway.  As we walk out the door, a cab pulls up immediately, and we hop in.  This is going to be a good night.

6:10 PM:  I grab a bucket from the bartender.  I explain to HP that I am going to drink all the way up until game time, and then stop so I have a couple of hours to sober up before driving home.  HP tells me, “I am just going to drink the whole way through.”  Excellent.  Golden Tee, here we come!

6:35 PM: HP and I begin a discussion about what is better, Guitar Hero or Rock Band.  I have Guitar Hero for PS3.  I tell HP that he should get it.  Me: “Yeah, you should get Guitar Hero.”  HP: “Yeah, then we can play with each other.”  Me: “uh….can you say that louder so that the whole bar can hear?”

7:10 PM: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd comes on.  HP explains that this is what he wants played at his funeral.  If he continues on his drinking pace, it may be sooner than he thinks.  Uh Oh!  Wife call alert!  HP attempts to sober up, answers the phone, and begins speaking in husband voice.  After a few minutes he informs me that his wife told him that Mangino was fired.  Wow.  A couple of KU fans walk by, and I tell them that Mangino has been fired.  This is how a rumor starts.  They walk off and tell everyone else in the bar.  HP then informs me that his wife cannot confirm that.  She saw it on someone’s facebook update.  Dammit HP!!!  I feel like an idiot.  People across the bar are talking about this “news” and pointing in my direction.

7:18 PM: HP wins the first game of Golden Tee, then we tie the second one.  He explains that he has won the best-of-three for the night.  I attempt to explain that he makes no sense.  Eventually, I win this argument, but HP may tell you differently.

7:20 PM:  We are hungry.  HP tries to flag a waitress down.  He attempts to order.  She explains that since our tab is at the bar, we have to order there.  HP is becoming a little belligerent with the staff.  I step in and order from the bartender.

7:30 PM:  Greatest…App Sampler…EVER!!!   Mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, toasted raviolis, potato skins, and deep fried pickles.

7:32 PM: All gone.  I win the third Golden Tee game, and we agree to let the “best-of-three” end in a tie for the evening.  We head to the bar to settle up.  HP begins regaling people with the story of the Kleinman sighting.  He compares it to seeing a Yeti or Chewbacca.  Me: “what the hell does Chewbacca have anything to do with it”  HP: “Kleinman is more rare than Chewbacca.  When are you going to see Kleinman out at a bar again?” Me: “I don’t know, when are you going to see Chewbacca?”  HP: “Shit, I saw Chewbacca on Halloween.”  We should go…

8:10 PM: We grab a cab and head towards the Scottrade Center.  We drive past the library.  HP explains that he saw Joe Posnanski speak there.  HP: “I have a picture with him.”  Me: “I know, I’ve seen it, a lot.”  HP: ‘I’ll send it to you.”  He emails me this picture…again.

8:15 PM: We get out of the cab.  Some really old guys in KU stuff walk past us.  HP yells ROCK CHALK!!! At them and extends his hand for a high five.  The old guys cannot raise their arms very high, and give him more of a 45 degree angle five.  Then we see the statue of Bernie Federko.  HP runs up to it and says, “See?  I told you.”  What the hell does that mean?  Earlier you had suggested we go to his bar.  What the hell does that have to do with there being a statue of him at the Scottrade Center???  Ugh, let’s go inside. 

8:20 PM: HP sees someone walk by with a large beer.  “Big ones!  I want one of those!”  We get some and find the seats. 

8:30 PM: We are at the seats.  The first game ends, and KU takes the floor to warm up.  HP is admiring how nice the cushioned seats are.  “When I fart, it just gets absorbed.”  That’s good news I suppose. 

8:35 PM: HP wants a little pre-game analysis.  I tell him that I think I see Brady Morningstar in the Bud Light suite.  HP’s analysis: “They have a fat guy, and I think that Aldrich can dunk.”  He’s not the best color man in the league for nothing folks.  I ask HP what Xavier Henry’s number is.  HP’s response, “Awesome.”

8:45 PM: We decide to make bets on what the feel good player story in the Star will be tomorrow.  HP thinks it will be about Tyshawn Taylor overcoming his thumb injury.  My money is on Connor Teahan’s struggles with being red-shirted.

8:50 PM: HP wants some pre-game analysis from his dad, so he call HP Sr.  “watch for inside play from the Morris twins”  We were hoping for something funnier, but we’ll go with that for now.  Almost tip off time.  HP engages some KU fans behind us.  Here is a little of that conversation.

Guys: Memphis’ coach looks like a coked out Quinn Snyder.

HP: Quinn Snyder was always coked out.  I met him once, and he was high as shit.

Guys: Yeah, but I hear he pulled some serious ass at Mizzou.

HP: Not nearly as much as Larry Eustachy.  That guy was awesome.

9:03 PM: Tip-off.  KU scores.  This is going to be a cake walk.  HP says the floor (which was sponsored by Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups) is making him hungry.

9:15 PM: This isn’t going as well as we would like.  I confuse Quintrell Thomas and Thomas Robinson.  I do not know how.

9:34 PM: Text from Bellweather “What’s up with the court?’  I text back, “Don’t know, but your brother thinks it’s delicious.”  Bellweather: “I’m dunking a Reese’s in a Bud Light right now.”

9:40 PM: Bellweather via the text line, “Memphis’ coach looks like Quinn Snyder’s gay brother.”

9:42 PM: During a commercial break they do something called “the over under section of the game”.  They scan the crowd with the camera.  HP gives not one, but two middle fingers.  Also, when the fight song plays, HP has to sing to it.  Only he doesn’t know the words so it just ends up being “Da-Da-De-Da-Da”.  Is it halftime yet?

9:48 PM: Halftime, we’re winning but not by much.

10:06 PM: Bellweather: “Bill Self: We tried hard, I liked our effort…our offense stinks.  I mean it.  We just stunk.  Holly Rowe looks like she’s stalking Steve Phillips wife”  Thanks for that analysis.

10:10 PM: We are outside smoking.  A guy in a bunch of Celtics stuff is standing near us.  HP engages (I have no idea why).  “Celtics?  What the fuck, man?”  This is going to go poorly.  They discuss something about KG, NBA Championships, and Paul Pierce.  I pull HP away, and we get back to the seats.

10:30 PM: Henry makes a nice play.  Text from Bellweather: “That’s why you pronounce it ‘Zah-vi’eeh’!”

10:40-11:20 PM:  KU looks terrible, but Memphis can’t shoot.  KU by two with 20 seconds or so to go.  Memphis inbounds, drives, passes, shoots, misses, game over.  KU wins.  Collective sigh of relief from the mostly KU crowd.  Bellweather: “FUCK ME”  I agree.  Let’s go home.

11:35 PM: In the car.  Lots of “A win’s a win” talk.  HP: “Bill Self is going to be PISSED.”  Me: ’Yeah, so is your wife when she hears all of this (shaking my notepad).”  HP: “I don’t let her read your blog.” 

Maybe that’s a good thing.  Go Jayhawks.

Enough With The Tweeting

0
Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 10/28/2009 – 3:24pm
Filed under: Feature  

Whenever I go with Hipolito Pichardo to our favorite sports bar to watch a game, he has an annoying habit.  HP always insists that we turn the sound way up on whatever TV we are at so that we can hear the announcers and the players.  I have no idea why.  Most of the time they add about as much value to a game as shots of celebrities in the crowd.  Why do we listen to this crap??  Why do we care what athletes say.

 LJ’s latest verbal diarrhea has been well documented.  I have read all kinds of analysis regarding his tweets and subsequent apology and subsequent banishment from Arrowhead, and I have a hint for you sports writers out there.  You ready???

 I DON’T CARE.

 I don’t.  I couldn’t be more apathetic towards what these athletes say on their facebook accounts.  I got on facebook today.  The most interesting thing I read was someone talking about how they felt John Grisham’s new novel sucks.  And that was from someone I know.  I don’t care about Tyshawn’s broken English.  I care more about his broken finger. 

 Andre Agassi used crystal meth, lied about it, and is coming clean.   Hmmmm, yup, I don’t care.  There are enough problems in the world.  You think using Meth makes you special, Andre??  I live in Missouri.  Most people here use meth.*

 *That’s a total lie.  Well…

 Bob Griese has been suspended by ESPN for making, what may have been, a racist remark about Juan Pablo Montoya.   Again, I don’t care.  Who cares that Bob thinks that tacos were invented in Colombia.  I would have been more interested had he referred to Montoya as Pablo Escobar.  Or if he had said, “maybe he went out for some cocaine”.  

 Steve Phillips is banging an ugly intern.  I don’t…uh…actually, I do care on this one.  Why is Steve nailing this girl?  She is horrible looking.  My god.   Steve, buddy, I don’t know what your wife looks like (googling…), okay I do now.    She’s not perfect, but what the hell???

 Anyway, I guess my point is that if the media would just ignore these people and their tweets, posts, e-mails and interns, they would probably just stop making them.  Now, I am off to update my facebook status:

 L. Wood Kellogg is…getting a taco, banging an intern, and doing meth.