Category Archives: Kansas City Chiefs

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Better Know A Chiefs Draft Pick: Tony Moeaki

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 05/10/2010 – 12:24pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs  

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Iowa TE Tony Moeaki

Pros: He’s from freaking Iowa!!  Woo Hoo!!  Hey, that’s where I live, and having to deal with the insufferable Hawkeye fans talking themselves into thinking their program is on par with Ohio State and Michigan every year notwithstanding, I have become somewhat of an Iowa bandwagoneer.  Iowa being a Big Ten school, this doesn’t infringe on my KU fandom.

Here’s what you need to know about Iowa football: they play just like the Chiefs.  Well, not like these Chiefs, but the good old 1990’s Chiefs teams you used to know and love.  Last year, against Penn State, Iowa allowed a 63 yard opening touchdown drive.  They did not allow Penn State past the 35 yard line the rest of the game.  They play a tough front four, have an excellent pass rush, and absolutely shut you down on the corners.  On offense, they’re content with pounding the ball, and playing the field position game.

So what does Tony Moeaki have to do with any of this??  Well, he’s that hard-nosed, do-anything type of player that Pioli (and good friend and Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz) loves.  Need a block??  He’ll do it.  Need a first down catch over the middle??  He’ll do it.  Good.  Solid.  Moeaki.

Cons: He’s not Tony Gonzalez.  The comparisons started coming in right off the bat (LOOK!!  His name is Tony, too!!), but let’s be honest.  Tony Gonzalez is the greatest TE to ever play the game.  The resemblance seems ridiculous to me, but there’s going to be some Chiefs fans who will tune in week 6 and see that Moeaki only has one TD reception, and think of him as a disappointment.  This is inevitable, especially since we moved up in the third round to take him. 

We’re not going to pay Moeaki to make TD receptions.  We’re going to pay him to play an adequate, solid, un-spectacular tight end.  And that he can do.  He’s not flashy, and will not awe you with any aspect of his game, but he can hold his own…and that’s what this offense needs. 

That is, if he can stay healthy.  If there’s one knock on Moeaki, it’s his propensity to get injured.  He’s broken wrists, elbows, foots, strained hammys and calfs, but still made it onto the field.  We’ll have to cross our fingers and hope that he can relieve some pressure on not only Matt Cassell, but also Dwayne Bowe and Dexter McCluster.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.  I was talking with his former head coach Kirk Ferentz at Iowa the other day.  You know what Ferentz told me??  He said that this guy Moeaki is the best fucking Tight End he’s ever coached.  Now, I don’t know anything about Kirk Ferentz, but the guy seemed to know what he was talking about.  And I tell you what about this kid Moeaki.  He might not be able to stomp any taints, but if you ask him to stomp some taints, he’s damn well gonna try to stomp some taints.  This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: Swiffer WetJet

You’ve seen it.  It’s fucking awful.  Lady buys a Swiffer WetJet.  Old mop is thrown out by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  Old mop is dejected.  Old mop sees old broom.  Old broom had previouly been rejected by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  “Who’s that Lady” plays.  Old mop is attracted to old broom.  Old mop and old broom live happily ever after.  I stab myself in the brain with a grapefruit spoon.

Here’s the thing about that commercial, though.  It’s not for you.  You are not the target audience.  It is for middle-aged housewives who actually have to stay home and clean up after your disgusting-ass self.  And you know what??  Middle-aged housewives love that shit.  I mean they just eat it up.  They think, “Oh, that’s so funny!!  Look at how cute those two mops are!!  I wish my husband still looked at me that way.  Maybe I should get the Ab Circle Pro out from underneath the bed…where’s that box of Milanos??”  You see, this draft pick is not for you, either.  You want touchdowns.  Football coaches what a player they can forget about in terms of whether or not he’ll do his job.  

Also, the Swiffer is not an absolute necessity.  It gets the job done, but an old mop could get the job done too.  Sure, that old mop wouldn’t be ideal; it would leave some scuff marks.  But the Swiffer not only sweeps, it cleans and polishes, too!!  We could have continued on with an old mop off the scrap heap.  Or we could have held on to our Cortech 485446 Floor Polisher.  Instead we got a Swiffer.  You spend a few extra bucks on it when you go to Target, and it’s there when you need it.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Javier Arenas

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/30/2010 – 12:44pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs  

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Alabama Cornerback, Javier Arenas

Pros: A very good cover corner in college and a dynamic kick returner; rated #1 in the draft on many boards.  Plus: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.  TRADITION!!

Cons: Undersized at 5-7 and 200 lbs.  He figures to be a nickel back in most situations.  You had better believe teams are going to concentrate on isolating their tight ends on him on passing downs…and didn’t we just spend a pick on a hybrid return man??  Also: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “You know, when I coached the Oakland Raiders, we had a quarterback.  His name was Rich Fucking Gannon.  Now, you think anybody gave this guy a shot?  No.  And what does he go out and do?  He wins the fucking MVP of the National Fucking Football League.  This guy Javier Arenas; he’s small by NFL standards – I mean my horse’s cock is bigger than him – but I tell you what, guys.  This guy Javier Arenas, he’s a fucking football player.  Just like Rich Fucking Gannon.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: HughesNet High Speed Internet Service.

I don’t know how many of you have seen these commercials.  I’m guessing maybe not a whole lot.  Hughesnet is basically internet by satellite, or internet for hayseeds who live in the sticks and can’t get a cable hookup.  I live in Iowa.  This state is nothing but hayseeds who live in the sticks.

Now the commercial stars one Kimberly Joseph who, if you ask me, is quite striking* in a Hannah Storm kind of way.

* It’s funny.  The closer you move to thirty, the more attractive “older” ladies become.  What used to be dismissed in my own head as a Mrs. Robinson situation is now an actual, not-frowned-upon-by-society possibility.  I’m not downplaying the attractiveness or Ms. Joseph.  I’m just saying that if I saw her out at a bar, I wouldn’t feel as weird as I would as a 23 year-old about going up and talking to her…and promptly getting rejected.

The problem with this commercial (which I could not was too lazy to find) is that her hair is all whacked out.  It looks like somebody stuck a sea-urchin on the back of her head.  I look at Arenas’ size the same way.  Just like I can’t watch HughesNet girl without thinking about how fucked up her hair is, I can’t get past the fact that Arenas is Tom Cruise size.  Sure, I see all of the really attractive qualities about him, but can’t help but think that he’s nothing more than the second coming of Mark McMillan.

Also: The HughesNet product itself.  It’s like DirecTV without the TV.  You get your internet thru a sattelite.  It seems like such a hassle to invest the money to get an entire freaking satellite just to get internet.  Are we sure that we need to invest the time and money just to get a kick returner??

Hell, who am I kidding.  Considering the timing, placement and round, Arenas might end up being the pick of this draft.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Dexter McCluster

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/26/2010 – 10:11am
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs  

Ways He’s Like the Television Character Dexter: One is a silent killer, lurking where you don’t expect him, killing only those who deserve it, and living by a code which justifies his existance.  The other is the television character.  You see what I did there??  Boom.

Ways He’s Not Like the Television Character Dexter: His hair is not nearly as cool (or it’s a lot cooler??).  Also, he’s not a serial killer…I think… 

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “I tell you what, guys.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.  He’ll do anything you need on the football field.  If I were this fucking guy’s coach, I’d tell him to stomp the opposing team in the taint.  And you know what??  Goodbye taint.  You might as well go ahead and start writing the taint’s eulogy right now.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.”

Nickname When He Scores a Touchdown: The O-Dub.  When McCluster was drafted, all of the talking heads around the table on ESPN were talking about him as a change-of-pace back.  The Chiefs plan on doing more than just letting him cleanup the table scraps of Jamal Charles and Thomas Jones.  This is why the people on ESPN are idiots.

McCluster will be used a number of different ways, and the best-case-scenereo projections have him somewhere between Percy Harvin and Reggie Bush as a slash/hybrid slot reciever/returner.  When asked before the draft whether he was a RB or a WR, McCluster responded with:  “That’s hard to say.  I would say I consider myself an Offensive Weapon.”  

Offensive Weapon = OW…The O-Dub.  You’re welcome, Mitch Holtus.  

Nickname When He Fumbles: McClusetr-fuck.  That was easy. 

Pick as Overplayed Commercial:  The Coors Light Home Draft

I don’t think there was any commercial that was shown more during the draft than this one.  You know, where Ditka shows up with some hottie cheerleaders and they all drink beer and grow moustaches, or something.   “We can have a draught while we watch the draft!!,” exclaims an excitable fellow, to his football-loving compatriots.  Which is great, because I can’t, because, as the commercial says, The Coors Light Home Draft is not available yet…it is ”coming soon.”

At first, you think, “What the hell do I need something like that for??”  Then you see it a few times and you’re like, “Well, I guess that would make things a little bit more convienient,” but then, after about the 1,200th time, you start thinking, “Wow…I really don’t need something that large hogging my fridge space, and I know that if I had it, I’d be tempted to use it just a little too much, and end up sluggish and overweight.”

This is the same way I feel about McCluster.  Is the offensive coaching staff going to force the ball to McCluster in order to justify the pick and end up using him in ways he shouldn’t be used??

Let’s just stick to letting him move the ball down the field before we asking him to stomp any taints.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Eric Berry

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/23/2010 – 10:30am
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks over the next three days of the NFL Draft.  Today: Tennessee Safety, Eric Berry

 Pros: Freakish Athlete.  Great Instincts.  Legit talent.  Of course, immediately following the draft, everybody says these things.  Ryan Sims, Glenn Dorsey, Tom Bahali [sic].  But this time, you actually get the feeling that they mean it.  This guy can play (unless, you know…he can’t).

Cons: Coming out of commercial, ESPN will show you one of the draft picks talking on the phone and smiling, but will always have commentary running over them so that you can’t heat the conversation they’re having with the coach on the other line.  This way, Berman and the other idiots can continue to speculate on who the next team could possibly be picking, even though we all pretty much know…OR DO WE?!?!  They could, after all, just be pulling a McGahee.

Well, when they came back and shot Eric Berry talking on the phone, there were some technical difficulties, so we got to see Eric pump his fist in the air, and very clearly say, “I’M GONNA BE A CHIEF!!!!!,” only to get two more minutes of Steve Young telling us how great an O-Line pick would be for us.  So anti-climactic.

Also, this pick ain’t gonna fix the defense.  Until we get a legitimite pass rush, Berry’s going to have too much on his plate to turn things around on his own; one player does not a great defense make.  I’t still going to take another couple of years.  I just hope Chiefs fans will keep this in mind when we have the #27 defense next year.  I’m looking at you Kevin Kietzman.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This guy Eric Berry.  He’s a fucking football player.  The first time I saw this guy play, I got a boner.  I’m serious, guys.  A huge fucking rod.  I’m talking diamond in an ice storm hard.  I wanted to kill my mother-in-law with it.  I’m serious, guys.  Just fucking murder her with my dick.  This guy Eric Berry.  He’s gonna be a fucking football player in the National Fucking Football League.”

Jason Whitlock’s Take: “In the moments after the Chiefs made the Tennessee saftey the No. 5 pick in Thursday’s draft, I read Berry’s full resume…”

As opposed to, you know before the fucking draft.  Heaven forbid you do any research on the guy the Chiefs were going to fucking draft all along.  Jesus, man.  You didn’t even read his resume before the draft??  Could you not take yourself away from sucking Dez Bryant’s ballsac for two freaking seconds to put together an actual informed thought about who the Chiefs might actually select??  Who pays this guy??

Pick as Overplayed Advertisement: Dr. Quinn’s Open Hearts Collection.  Kay Jewlers.

God, I hate this ad.  “My muthha towwt me to oowlways keep yoow haaht owpuun.”  Just shut up.  You want me to believe that you, Jane Seymour, thespian extrordinaire, designed something that ugly, and that you truly believe that it would become an international symbol for love.  Nope…just, no.  It looks like a retarded lizard’s poop.  It’s a cheap peice of junk that poor white trash people buy to make believe they can actually afford diamonds.

Oh, and I love how the ad changes for every holiday.  Really, Jane??  I thought your open hearts collection was supposed to become a symbol for last Valentines Day…or last Christmas.  Now, you want it to be for Mother’s Day??  Also, the real Jane Seymour was one of the wives killed by Henry VIII.  If that dont’ say love I don’t know what does.

So what does Eric Berry have to do with this??  Well every Sunday during football season is like a holiday.  So, we hope that just like the damn commercial annoys the piss out of us every time a holiday rolls around, Eric Berry will be the one to annoy the piss out of opposing defenses every Sunday.  You see what I did there??

Sorry.  I know it’s kind of a stretch.  I just really hate that commercial.

Jane Seymour was totally bangable in Wedding Crashers, though.

A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports  

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

Now Let’s All Irrationally Raise our Hopes for the 2010 Kansas City Chiefs

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 01/04/2010 – 12:40pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

Got this text from poscast contributor Daniel at 6:24 last night:

“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but spank the donkeys @ mile high & crush their hopes of making the playoffs.  I’ll take it.”

I concur, with several “fuck”s and “yeah”s sprinkled in, though I my mass “Horray Chiefs!” text would have gone something like:

“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but avoid Whitlock whining about Scott Pioli and Todd Haley for at least another week.  I’ll take it.”*

* In fact, if you were following @BWetherJohnson or @KCSportsPodcast on Twitter (plug!!), you would have gotten it

And so ends the 50th season of Kansas City Chiefs football, a season that will be known primarily for three things:

1.) The Chiefs sucking
2.) Todd Haley being an asshole
3.) The Chiefs sucking

The reason for pointing out the texts/tweets at the beginning of the column is that it does feel good to go out a winner.  Even if it was against a Denver team that was decidedly more putrid than what their record after six weeks looked like.

Looking at the analysis of the game from a Chiefs perspective at first put a damper on the good feelings that I had acquired while watching the game. 

Final nine weeks:

BRONCOS:
Record: 2-7
Off yards: 330
Def yards: 339

CHIEFS:
Record 3-6
Off yards: 392
Def Yards: 341

At first glance, I thought, “Oh…well, that’s not so impressive.  The Broncos were at least as bad, if not worse than us.  We should have won the game.”

Then…well, wait a minute…did I just say??

That’s right, we should have won the game.  In this historically awful season of retartedly putrid football, the Chiefs were actually (or at least should have been) favored to win a game…and they actually pulled together and did.   

Early in the season, we were (well, me in particular) resigned to downplaying any significance of the Chief’s play due to the fact that they were playing with Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards’ collection of shit boxes.  There wasn’t, I contended, any real way to determine the improvement of the players on this particular team due to the fact that most of them would be replaced by better players before the team turned the corner and actually started winning again.

Well, it looks like maybe the improvement was there after all, and there are some legitimate pieces to build on.  That, coupled with a full slate of draft picks and an entire year of scouting under their belt, I would say what looked impossible for Haley and Pioli a few scant weeks ago might actually transpire: the Chiefs might actually compete before 2015.

Of course, feel free to bookmark this and send it to me after Haley is fired after starting next season 0-5 and Jack Harry is reporting he knifed a hobo under the Paseo Bridge.

There are no magical ways for a bad football team to get better overnight.  The Chiefs still have a long, long road ahead of them, but if you would have asked me to pick any Chiefs team in the past nine years to go into Invesco Field (which opened in 2001) and beat a Broncos team that was playing for their playoff lives, this team would have been on the bottom of my list.  And this team is the only Chiefs team to do that.

That, as they say, is why they play the games.  And that, as they say, is why when you start using Chris Berman schtick, it’s time to end the column.

Jason Whitlock is fat!!  Byesers!!

Slaps!*

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 12/07/2009 – 3:43pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

 

*Before I begin this column, allow me to explain.  In college, when you were sitting somewhere, but had to get up and get something, you would say “Slaps!”  You would make sure that someone else heard you, and then go.  The “Slaps” call is what made sure you got your seat back no matter what.  It is legally binding, and completely indisputable as long as someone actually heard you say it.   Now…

Thank God I live in St. Louis. 

That statement was literally uttered by me yesterday.  Thanks to that fact, I am spared a large majority of the Chiefs’ games this season.  So I guess I would just like to say to the Chiefs…

I will always be a fan.  I will always carry a deep love for your games, and have fond memories to fall back on.  However, I just can’t find the passion for you anymore.  When it comes to Sundays, there now seems to be something better to do.  And I blame you.

Yesterday was no exception. 

The plan was simple; My fiancée (yes, I am getting married) and I were going to watch the Rams’ game at home, and then head to a sports bar to catch the Chiefs, in what I thought was a 3:15pm start.  About three minutes into the Rams game, I stumbled onto the fact that the Chiefs game started a noon.  Crap!

For a few moments I weighed the options.  1. I could run up to the bar without showering.  2. I could shower, and then go to the bar. 3. I could stay home, and watch the updates online.  I should have chosen option three.  But the most disappointing thing about the whole thing was that I chose option two.

If this had happened even two years ago, the clear cut option for me would have been number one.  No doubt.  No question.  I mean, a rivalry game against the completely loathed Broncos…at Arrowhead…in December…when they were retiring Derrick Thomas’ jersey???  First I probably wouldn’t have mistaken the game time.  Second, I would have already been at the bar preparing as soon as they opened the doors.  The most shocking aspect of this story is the part that I haven’t even told you yet.  Here it goes:

I turned down two tickets to this game on Friday.

I know.  A guy I used to work with calls, and tells me that he has two tickets to the game that he cannot use.  Would I like them…for free?  Excuses run through my mind…It’s too last minute.  I’d have to find somewhere to board my dog.  It’s going to be cold.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ll watch from here.  Shit, I couldn’t even do that right.

I made it to the bar a couple of minutes into the second quarter.  I think the Chiefs were down 10-3.  You see that right there?  I THINK.  I truly don’t know.  I was way more interested in what I should get to eat.**  There were a couple of Broncos fans at the table next to me.  I said nothing to them.  Nothing.

**I went with the Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich.  It was very good, but I wouldn’t get it again***

***How many times in your life have you thought something was “good, but not enough to ever get it again”?  I would be interested in hearing some responses because I can’t think of anything.

And so it went on.  A sandwich-a chiefs punt-another Bud Light-a Cassel interception-another Bud Light-the dumbest play ever drawn up and its subsequent floundering****-check please.

****You all know what play I am referring to.  And if, for some reason, you don’t, grab your favorite pain killer, turn off the lights, click here, press play, and wait 23 seconds.   

I left with eight minutes to go in the third quarter.  Read that again…THIRD F-ING QUARTER.  I came home, and didn’t even check the final score.  I didn’t need to.  There was nothing good that was going to come out of that. 

I didn’t need to read Whitlock’s stupid article  today.  I know what it says; The Chiefs are regressing, I am fat, Pioli has an ego, I am not racist, Haley yells a lot but no one is listening, Tiger was justified in banging a girl from the Tool Academy, Matt Cassel makes too much money, there is no hope.

And so, I will continue to watch games when it’s convenient.  I will never stop rooting for the Chiefs.  I know that someday the Chiefs will be respectable.  I know that there will once again be a bandwagon.  And I can promise you; I will be on that wagon.  I am just going to have someone save my seat for now.   After 29 years of Chiefs fan-dom, three playoff wins, no super bowl appearances, and way too many “next year is going to be the year” moments, I think I have earned that spot. 

And just in case next year is actually, the year.

Slaps!  You all heard me.

Steel-ing a Victory (It’s a Pun, Get it!?!?)

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 11/23/2009 – 12:22pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

I spent yesterday furniture shopping.  That’s right.  A Sunday in the middle of November walking the vast aisles of cherry wood and leather that is the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center in Urbandale Iowa.  I forwent NFL week 11 to look for dining room tables and area rugs for my new place, and help my roommate find a new mattress*

* Which led to the inevitable “two straight guys lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes” which led to the inevitable, “two straight guys nearly getting kicked out of the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center for lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes.”

I was not watching football, no sir.  I was lost in the intoxicating madness of zero-percent interest for 24 months and pre-holiday shopping madness.  I didn’t even realize that football was going on until I walked past the HDTV department and saw Brett Favre laughing on the sidelines at the end of the Vikings game (he’s like a kid out there!!), at which point, I decided to open up my cell phone, and see how hard the Chiefs got spanked.

The next two minutes went like this: “Wait…what??  That’s gotta be a misprint.  Overtime?!?!”  I called my dad and he regaled me with like play-by-play beginning with Jovan Belcher’s tackle of Mendenhall on third down.  I shrieked so excitedly when Succop kicked the game-winner, that I got more stares than when I was demonstrating the superiority of the Sealy Posturepedic to the Simmons Beautyrest re: the doggystyle position.

So what’s there to say??  How can I possibly analyze a game that I didn’t even have a vested enough interest in to watch??  Well I can’t…really.  Alls I know is from looking at highlights and statistics, which tell the story of a team that got lucky to the tune of a 97-yard kickoff return and a 94-yard interception return.  But, they still won the game.

I like to view sports thru a statistical lens.  Don’t tell me how much “poise” a QB has, or how much “heart” a defense plays with.  Those are made-up things that manifest themselves by way of sportswriters who can’t think of anything better to write.  Give me something concrete that I can sink my teeth into. 

By that rationale, it doesn’t seem like the Chiefs are getting any better.  Sure they won, but statistically they got their asses handed to them.  They can’t win week-in, week-out with the group of flunkies they keep trotting out.  We already know this.  The stats say so.

But, there was one thing that I saw in the highlights this week that made me go, “Hmmm.”  It was something that was beyond the boxscore, beyond the statistics, and something that I think the Chiefs can truly build on.    At the end of the game, Succop’s field goal sailed thru the uprights, about a dozen Chief’s players immediately went to Todd Haley to give him a bearhug.

So much as been said about Haley being an asshole*, and most of it is probably true.  Thing is, when the Chiefs do succeed, it seems as if they gravitate toward him.  And it doesn’t seem as if it is being done in a sarcastic, “we won despite you being a jackass,” sort of a way.  It seems as if it’s being done in a, “I know you drive us hard, but man, that makes the payoff that much more sweet,” sort of way.  And on top of that, it looked like he actually enjoyed it!!  When Dwayne Bowe dropped a bucket of Gatorade on his dome after his first win in DC, he looked like Haley was about to rip his head off.. .

* Seriously.  Googlefish ‘Todd Haley is.’  The only thing that pre-populates is ‘a jerk.’

And I hate writing stuff like that, because it is not statistical.  It’s not concrete.  There is no smile/frown ratio to reference when making that point.

Still, if a miracle win against a team that thoroughly destroyed you in every was is what is needed for a team to trust their hard-driving head coach, than so be it. 

Hell, he’s even got Jason Whitlock convinced…though I don’t know if that’s just because Whitty’s too exhausted from writing three whole columns in the past week to write anything else…too bad there’s not a stat for that.

Ups and Downs

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/17/2009 – 3:51pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College  

Well, sometimes things just can’t find the direction that they want to go.  Have you ever had one of those days, where when one thing goes well, another seems to tank?  Of course you have.  Since you are reading things on this site, you are probably a Kansas City sports fan.  If you haven’t had one of those days, you just did.   And away we go…

 

CY GREINKE

WE all know that this was an easy decision.  But we also know that some in baseball’s elite would have loved to ignore the numbers, and give this to someone from a more successful baseball city.  This is validation for all of us who watched almost every Royals’ debacle last year*.   As we watched Zack dazzle us with upper 90’s fastballs followed by knee-buckling curveballs in the 60’s we knew.  Even though Zack would get no run support, and sometimes even lose a game in which he gave up one or fewer runs, we knew. So to all you so called experts out there, take that.  Now, just wait for the trade…Anyway, there’s an upper…

*Some of us even paid money to watch every one of these train-wrecks last season.

LJ FITS IN

Larry Johnson signs with the Bengals.  Good riddance, I know.  But why couldn’t he have gone somewhere with no hope of being successful?  I mean, there is no doubt that, if there is anywhere that this delinquent could fit in, it would be Cincinnati.  But they have also shown that they can take a seemingly washed up running back, and make him good again.  Exhibit A: Cedric Benson.  Anyone who is playing fantasy football knows that this guy was the steal of the year.  Plus, to make matters worse, LJ now gets to play for an almost sure fire playoff team.  The Bengals have a two game lead, and own the tie breaker against the Steelers in the AFC North.  And who will Cincinnati get to steamroll at home two days after Christmas?  That’s right…downer…

ALL STAR GAME (almost) OFFICIAL

Comcast Sports New England is reporting that Kansas City will officially be announced as the site of the 2012 All Star game.  Again, we pretty much all knew this, but it is still exciting.  Please take a moment to give thanks to MLB for instituting the “every team must have one all-star” rule.  Yeah, Zack’s contract runs out that same year.  You think he won’t be ready to bolt, or most likely traded by then?  I can’t wait to see Wilson Bettemit in that All-Star uniform.  Still, that brings a lot of fanfare to our beloved team.  Maybe we’ll even get a nationally televised game sometime after that.  Good news KC…wait for it…

BOWE HAS DIARRHEA

Dwayne Bowe has been suspended for four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.  Apparently, he was trying to lose weight during training camp, and decided that using a banned diuretic would be the best way.  Look, I am not an expert on losing weight, but I do know that all you have to do is burn more calories than you take in. How many calories do you think an average (term used very loosely) wide receiver in the NFL burns a day at training camp??  Way more than I do writing these columns, I can tell you that.  Just don’t eat Dwayne!  You don’t have to give yourself the runs to lose weight.  Just work hard!  I think I am starting to get the picture with Mr. Bowe…bummer…

KU FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE PUSSIES

So you aren’t living up to expectations.  I understand.  But rather than take your lumps, and move on, definitely tell your mom that your coach yelled at you inappropriately.  My god, is this what it has come to?  You’re adults.  I have been yelled at “inappropriately” by any number of people in my life.  Get over yourselves, and maybe become bowl eligible.  Candy asses…

 KU IN THE LOU

HP and I are headed down to the Scottrade Center tonight for the KU-Memphis matchup.  Stay tuned for a blog about this one.  GO KU!!!  ROCK CHALK!!!

OUT OF OPTIONS

I’ll let you read this for yourself.  Click Here.   I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s just the kind of day KC is having.  Talk to you in a day or two…

Dear Larry

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/11/2009 – 4:38pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

Dear Larry Johnson,

 First off, thank you.  Thank you for everything that you did back in 2005 and 2006.  When Priest Holmes went down with a hip injury that made us all cringe, you were there to “take the diapers off”, and pick up where he left off.  You were awesome.  Seeing you dive into the end zone with no time left to win a game against the Raiders was so cool.  Watching you barrel through the middle of defenses was amazing.  You never were going to break away from a chasing tackler, but you didn’t care.  You had no intention of being tackled by him anyway.  You would just carry him with you into the end zone again.  So yeah, do we owe you some praise?  Absolutely.  Did you make KC Chiefs football enjoyable for us fans for a few years?  No doubt.  You were great.  Thanks.

That being said, fuck off.  Go away.  We don’t owe you a thing.  You have made your millions.  Whether or not you have any of them left is quite another question.  We don’t care.  Go anywhere; just don’t come back here.  And don’t think that we ever want you back here.  Did I really hear this quote from you yesterday?

“Hopefully, maybe someday, when I’m 33, 34, and I’ve still got a little bit of burn left, they’ll let me come back and get those yards.”

This made me feel like I was in the middle of dumping a girlfriend, and she just asked if we were going to remain close.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  Look, I know that we are not a good football team.  We are young.  We need to get some more talent.  But what we don’t need is you, your 1.8 ypc this season, you off the field shenanigans, your Twitter account, or your name on the Chiefs’ record books. 

I know that someone will sign you.  It may even be this week.  Lord knows there are enough shitty teams in the NFL.  Maybe they can use you.  You claim to have “competitive issues”.  I guess “competitive issues” roughly translates to “I have no idea how to act like an adult or how to be appreciative of all the blessings I have in life”.  So yeah, enjoy Washington D.C. or Tampa Bay.  You won’t be missed. 

So many times, over the last few years, you screwed up.  You would get caught, your agent would issue a statement, you would apologize, promise that you would change, and then never live up to your word.  Here is another quote from you yesterday:

“I started in Kansas City,” Johnson said. “I wouldn’t have no problem going back and trying to finish my career in Kansas City.”

I pray that you re-read, and live up to that statement, moron.

Regards,

L. Wood Kellogg