Category Archives: Kansas City Chiefs

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A Whole Lotta’ Nuthin’

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 02/26/2010 – 12:18pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College, Non-Sports  

Let me explain something about sports writing.  When you are a beat writer for a specific team, you can usually find something to write about because, well, you only have one subject.  We here at kcsportspodcast.com don’t have that luxury.  We write about so much crap (and I emphasize the word crap) that we sometimes can’t decide what to write about.  I have been thinking aboot (in honor of the Canadian Olympics) my next column for days now, and I just couldn’t narrow it down. 

So I enlisted the help of my good friend Bellwether.  I asked him what he was working on in the hopes that he would be working on something so I could cross that particular topic off my list.  Here is what I got: “Shit, go for it…I got nothing.  I’m too hung-over today to ‘give the effort’”. 

Thanks BWJ.

So I figured I might strike up a short conversation with our “head writer” about some topics.  This is the crap that we came up with. 

LWK: Why the hell are you hung-over on a Thursday morning?  I am a little scared for you.  I can see the Intervention episode now:

            HP: “Bellwether, you used to be someone I looked up to.  Your pithy and insightful remarks on sports always made me think and examine the games in a different light.  But now, it’s different.  Your drinking has affected my life in the following ways.  What was once a funny column has become a slew of Dennis Miller-esque turds.  On top of everything else, your “Sledgehammer” karaoke episode has scarred me permanently.  I want my little brother back.  Please accept this help today.”

             BWJ: “Fuck you.”

Speaking of getting some help, how soon do you think Jon Shuster will hang himself after that curling performance in Vancouver?  If he and Debbie McCormick had a child, that child would have as much depth perception as Helen Keller.  Actually, can we get Helen on the 2014 team?

BWJ: I’m hung-over on Thursday because it comes after Wednesday.

Also, I’m a third Slovak (don’t call me Czech, motherfucker), and I figured that after their victory last night, somebody had to root for them.*

* Sweden’s hockey team was eliminated last night by Slovakia.  I had a Swedish friend in college.  I mean, from Sweden.  I say I’m Slovakian, even though nobody in my family has set foot on the European continent in the past century.  No, this guy was from Sweden, and as such was nicknamed Swede.  I know…original.

Anyways, like all the Swedish, they wait four years so that they can root for Peter Forsberg and the Yellow-uni’d Swedish hockey team in the Olympics.  In 2002 they lost to Belarus.  Ouch.  The only time I ever saw him more pissed is when somebody called him “Weege.” 

Jon Shuster deservedly got canned for the US Curling team curling (??) like a bunch of asshats.  Also, bad omen when your Olympians can’t win the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League.

I’d be much more willing to forgive US Curling for their embarrassing showing at these Olympics if they curled (??) it in the nude.  Hell, everybody else is doing it…

[Ed. Note] – Bellwether Johnson is not aware if the verb “to curl” actually refers to the sport of curling

LWK: First off, I thought The Swede’s nickname was “Bjerg”.  Second, the Duluth Curling Club’s Tuesday Night League is a damned tough win to notch.  Oh, who am I kidding?  They stunk.  But just think of how Jon Schuster’s fiancée must feel knowing that there is no way her future husband can “find the button”.  Dear God, I made a curling joke.  Moving on…

I too watched the Swedes gracefully bow out, and give Canada, quite possibly, the easiest semi-final opponent in history.  If anyone thinks that Slovakia has a chance at beating the Hoser’s, then I have a shitty shortstop to trade them for their best pitching prospect.

As for the US, I gotta believe that this is about over.  Finland is very good.  As much fun as I have had watching the undefeated American squad, I just don’t think they have this in them.  Based on the game against Switzerland yesterday, they don’t have the firepower to make a gold medal run.  It’s like their offense has gone missing in Vancouver.

Just like Boner. *

[Ed. Note]: The following section was written before the report of Richard “Boner” Stabone’s untimely death.  The world has lost one of the great ones.  Enjoy this clip where Boner wants to join the Marines in remembrance of him.

First, I loved Growing Pains.  I always wondered how they got away with naming a character “Boner”.  Was that just not part of the nomenclature in the 80’s???? 

Second, where is Boner?  This has got to be the most interesting story of these Olympic games behind The Curly Straw of Doom (my new name for the bobsled track) and Lindsay Jacobellis screwing everything up…again. 

Bellwether, have you seen Boner?

BWJ: Well if that isn’t a set-up for what is sure to be The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Boner, then I don’t know what is.  I’m just disappointed he was a character on Growing Pains and not Leave it to Beaver.  (ZING!!)

You’re a little more down on US chances against the Finns than I am.  All I heard about the Swiss leading up to the quarterfinal match was:

“This is not going to be a cakewalk for the US”

“The Swiss are great in goal”

“They are going to get in your face and make things tough”

And you know what??  As advertised.  Those fuckers swarmed like a bunch of assholes, and Jonas Hiller was a wall.  What do you want??  They won the game.  It’s a tournament, and every game is going to be tough.

Still, I could be way off base here considering that the only thing I know about Finland is…

Wikipedias Finland (Oh, lookie!!  Uni-Cameral Legislature!!)

…Helsinki.  The capital is Helsinki.

Please tell me what to fear about the Finns.  You know, besides the Umlauts and the Speed-Metal.

LWK: I don’t really have a Boner joke.  My joke machine broke after my curling/clitoris output earlier.

My problem is with the top players on Team USA not scoring goals.  Kessel – 1 Goal, Kane – 1 Goal, Langenbrunner – 1 Goal.  All of those “stars” have combined for less goals than Brian Rafalski (4).

Brian Rafalski has 4 goals the whole NHL season (54 games).  The point is, the secondary scorers will inevitably cool down.  You need your stars players to score in order to be successful*.

*Case in point…the Soviets

As for Finland, they are the most experienced team in this tournament.  They have, in my opinion, the best goalie remaining (Mikka Kiprusoff), and solid scoring from Selanne, Koivu, Koivu, Ruutu, Ruutu, and probably another Koivu. 

All I will say is this; the US will win only if Miller stands on his head again.

The only other thing I know about Finland is that Projektiilin means projectile in English.  Speaking of that, what kind of a world do we live in when a mascot can be held liable for throwing assorted meats into the crowd at a sporting event?  I hope Slugerrrrrr has a good Lawyerrrrrr.  Your thoughts on hotdog tort reform?

BWJ: All right!!  And now The Most Disappointing Joke That Has Probably Already Been Made in the Past Three Days About Sluggerrr!!  I haven’t seen that good of wiener-to-eye accuracy since Peter North!!  Oops!!  I mean Peterrr Norrrth!!

Boy, if that isn’t an omen for bad things this coming summer for our fair Royals, than I don’t know what is.  I keep feigning excitement for the fact that pitchers and catchers reported last week, and real-live baseball is right around the corner, but it’s already kind of hard when you root for the Royals, and especially this year.

For the past three years — actually all of them since Dayton Moore arrived — the upcoming spring has been filled with at least a little hope that our decrepit franchise was, if not on the cusp, on the cusp of the cusp of turning the corner to respectability, when, in one off-season (Mike Jacobs, Miguel Olivo), Dayton Moore proves he has absolutely no clue whatsoever in how to build a major league roster.

It’s maddening that this franchise has such enormously die-hard fans that are far more level-headed on what constitutes a baseball lineup than the man actually charged with the task.  Bill James, Rany Jazayerli, Rob Neyer.  These are the men who furiously wave the flag of Sabermetrics, and just happen to have been Royals fans since birth.  To see the captain at the helm of Good Ship Royal spit on and grind that into the ground is just disheartening…especially when I’m supposed to think baseball and spring when it’s minus-five in Iowa.

Sometimes I feel like we’d be better off with Joe Morgan as our GM…wait…pretend I didn’t just say that…

See what you done did there Logg??  Here I was all happy looking at nude curlers, and you have to bring me down by mentioning the Royals.  Damn you…

LWK: Hey, I didn’t say anything about the Royals.  I was merely continuing a discussion centered around phallic symbols (Boner and Hotdogs).  You decided to take it there. 

But since you did…Good God it’s going to be a long ass summer.  I heard the Royals might make Kyle Farnsworth a starter.  I guess they subscribe to the old “Well he makes as much as a fifth starter” adage.  I have absolutely nothing good to say about the Royals; that’s how bad this is. 

Oh, and we even got our own Roid Head now.  Yippee.

No, I just can’t even start thinking about Royals baseball until KU basketball is done. Speaking of college basketball; I know you don’t get much Mizzou propaganda up there in the frozen corn fields, but suddenly the Missouri fans think they can make a deep tournament run.  They point to their semi-successful run as of late.  Sure, winning 5 of 7 is good, but it’s not like they are crushing good teams.  The only win worth a damn is against a reeling Texas team at home.  The rest have been against the likes of Colorado, Iowa State, and Nebraska. 

Now they get a huge game against K-State this weekend.  Please explain to me how the Mildcats are #6 in the country.  Outside of the win over previously decent Texas, they have beaten basically no one.  So you may be wondering, what is the deal?   Well, I found out what the deal was.

The Power Towel.  Also, did you know that Ron Prince is available for your bar mitzvah?

BWJ:  Oh, c’mon now with the Wildcats.  I loath Mizzou as much as the next guy, but I like K-State like a little brother.  Sure, Man-happenin’ is the scourge of the entire midwest, and I’ll never hate another team more when they take the floor against the Jayhawks, but they ARE from the state of Kansas, and that has to count for something, right??  Ad Astra Per Aspera??

As far as their ranking goes, why shouldn’t they be #6 in the country??  They’re 26-4, 10-3 (second) in the Big XII (#1 RPI Conference), and Ken Pomeroy has them at #10 in the country.  They could probably be ranked anywhere from 5-15 along with about 10 different Big East teams.  Also, take into account that, unlike many of those Big East-ers, they’ve won 6 in a row (albeit against Big XII bottom feeders), and recent performance is the biggest barometer as far as the AP goes.

They’re still a scary team, and the last thing I’d want is for Sherron Collins, the winningest player in KU history, to go out with a loss on Senior Day.  That game is gonna be a bloodbath…

LWK:  Look, I’ll give you that the Mildcats are decent.  They are from Kansas, and I’ll give ‘em a break being that they have to wear purple and all.  However, I still contend that they have not been tested except by KU at home, and they lost that.  They also scare the hell out of me, though.  Besides, I have no idea what language you were speaking there, and certainly don’t know what that means.  I would assume it means “party like a female Canadian hockey player”.

So did you hear the rumor that the Chiefs may try to trade Cassel and draft Jimmy Clausen?  Any thoughts on this monumental disaster before it happens?

BWJ: Ugh…Chiefs news already??  Rumors are rumors, and I don’t think this one holds any water, especially with Cassell’s contract.  For me, it’s Russell Okung or bust.  Seriously, though, the NFL Draft is still two months away…let’s keep it that way.

Look, I like football as much as the next guy, but those people who bitch and moan about “Oh, the Super Bowl’s over…my life is devoid of meaning until September!!” need to shut up.  That’s what Todd McShay was brought into your life for.  Go chat on the NFL message boards and leave me alone until after the MLB All-Star Break.

Also, Logg, I’m taking you down a peg for not knowing that “Ad Astra per Aspera” is latin and translates to “To the Stars, Through Difficulty.”  It was written on the space shuttle, and is also *drumroll* the official State Motto of Kansas.

You’re on notice, Logg…

LWK: Totally agree with you on the football thing.  I just wanted to be able to check off the “Chiefs” category on the website.  If only I knew anything about the fucking Wizards we’d have a clean sweep of the topics. 

Well, this has been real, been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.  Congrats on your stupid Latin lesson.  Here’s one for you; “Carpe Fermentum”.   That means “Seize the Alcohol”.  At least now it’s Friday and you have a legitimate reason to be hungover.

Oh, and R.I.P. Boner.

Andrew Koenig 

Richard “Boner” Stabone

1968-2010

Now Let’s All Irrationally Raise our Hopes for the 2010 Kansas City Chiefs

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 01/04/2010 – 12:40pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

Got this text from poscast contributor Daniel at 6:24 last night:

“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but spank the donkeys @ mile high & crush their hopes of making the playoffs.  I’ll take it.”

I concur, with several “fuck”s and “yeah”s sprinkled in, though I my mass “Horray Chiefs!” text would have gone something like:

“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but avoid Whitlock whining about Scott Pioli and Todd Haley for at least another week.  I’ll take it.”*

* In fact, if you were following @BWetherJohnson or @KCSportsPodcast on Twitter (plug!!), you would have gotten it

And so ends the 50th season of Kansas City Chiefs football, a season that will be known primarily for three things:

1.) The Chiefs sucking
2.) Todd Haley being an asshole
3.) The Chiefs sucking

The reason for pointing out the texts/tweets at the beginning of the column is that it does feel good to go out a winner.  Even if it was against a Denver team that was decidedly more putrid than what their record after six weeks looked like.

Looking at the analysis of the game from a Chiefs perspective at first put a damper on the good feelings that I had acquired while watching the game. 

Final nine weeks:

BRONCOS:
Record: 2-7
Off yards: 330
Def yards: 339

CHIEFS:
Record 3-6
Off yards: 392
Def Yards: 341

At first glance, I thought, “Oh…well, that’s not so impressive.  The Broncos were at least as bad, if not worse than us.  We should have won the game.”

Then…well, wait a minute…did I just say??

That’s right, we should have won the game.  In this historically awful season of retartedly putrid football, the Chiefs were actually (or at least should have been) favored to win a game…and they actually pulled together and did.   

Early in the season, we were (well, me in particular) resigned to downplaying any significance of the Chief’s play due to the fact that they were playing with Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards’ collection of shit boxes.  There wasn’t, I contended, any real way to determine the improvement of the players on this particular team due to the fact that most of them would be replaced by better players before the team turned the corner and actually started winning again.

Well, it looks like maybe the improvement was there after all, and there are some legitimate pieces to build on.  That, coupled with a full slate of draft picks and an entire year of scouting under their belt, I would say what looked impossible for Haley and Pioli a few scant weeks ago might actually transpire: the Chiefs might actually compete before 2015.

Of course, feel free to bookmark this and send it to me after Haley is fired after starting next season 0-5 and Jack Harry is reporting he knifed a hobo under the Paseo Bridge.

There are no magical ways for a bad football team to get better overnight.  The Chiefs still have a long, long road ahead of them, but if you would have asked me to pick any Chiefs team in the past nine years to go into Invesco Field (which opened in 2001) and beat a Broncos team that was playing for their playoff lives, this team would have been on the bottom of my list.  And this team is the only Chiefs team to do that.

That, as they say, is why they play the games.  And that, as they say, is why when you start using Chris Berman schtick, it’s time to end the column.

Jason Whitlock is fat!!  Byesers!!

Slaps!*

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 12/07/2009 – 3:43pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

 

*Before I begin this column, allow me to explain.  In college, when you were sitting somewhere, but had to get up and get something, you would say “Slaps!”  You would make sure that someone else heard you, and then go.  The “Slaps” call is what made sure you got your seat back no matter what.  It is legally binding, and completely indisputable as long as someone actually heard you say it.   Now…

Thank God I live in St. Louis. 

That statement was literally uttered by me yesterday.  Thanks to that fact, I am spared a large majority of the Chiefs’ games this season.  So I guess I would just like to say to the Chiefs…

I will always be a fan.  I will always carry a deep love for your games, and have fond memories to fall back on.  However, I just can’t find the passion for you anymore.  When it comes to Sundays, there now seems to be something better to do.  And I blame you.

Yesterday was no exception. 

The plan was simple; My fiancée (yes, I am getting married) and I were going to watch the Rams’ game at home, and then head to a sports bar to catch the Chiefs, in what I thought was a 3:15pm start.  About three minutes into the Rams game, I stumbled onto the fact that the Chiefs game started a noon.  Crap!

For a few moments I weighed the options.  1. I could run up to the bar without showering.  2. I could shower, and then go to the bar. 3. I could stay home, and watch the updates online.  I should have chosen option three.  But the most disappointing thing about the whole thing was that I chose option two.

If this had happened even two years ago, the clear cut option for me would have been number one.  No doubt.  No question.  I mean, a rivalry game against the completely loathed Broncos…at Arrowhead…in December…when they were retiring Derrick Thomas’ jersey???  First I probably wouldn’t have mistaken the game time.  Second, I would have already been at the bar preparing as soon as they opened the doors.  The most shocking aspect of this story is the part that I haven’t even told you yet.  Here it goes:

I turned down two tickets to this game on Friday.

I know.  A guy I used to work with calls, and tells me that he has two tickets to the game that he cannot use.  Would I like them…for free?  Excuses run through my mind…It’s too last minute.  I’d have to find somewhere to board my dog.  It’s going to be cold.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ll watch from here.  Shit, I couldn’t even do that right.

I made it to the bar a couple of minutes into the second quarter.  I think the Chiefs were down 10-3.  You see that right there?  I THINK.  I truly don’t know.  I was way more interested in what I should get to eat.**  There were a couple of Broncos fans at the table next to me.  I said nothing to them.  Nothing.

**I went with the Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich.  It was very good, but I wouldn’t get it again***

***How many times in your life have you thought something was “good, but not enough to ever get it again”?  I would be interested in hearing some responses because I can’t think of anything.

And so it went on.  A sandwich-a chiefs punt-another Bud Light-a Cassel interception-another Bud Light-the dumbest play ever drawn up and its subsequent floundering****-check please.

****You all know what play I am referring to.  And if, for some reason, you don’t, grab your favorite pain killer, turn off the lights, click here, press play, and wait 23 seconds.   

I left with eight minutes to go in the third quarter.  Read that again…THIRD F-ING QUARTER.  I came home, and didn’t even check the final score.  I didn’t need to.  There was nothing good that was going to come out of that. 

I didn’t need to read Whitlock’s stupid article  today.  I know what it says; The Chiefs are regressing, I am fat, Pioli has an ego, I am not racist, Haley yells a lot but no one is listening, Tiger was justified in banging a girl from the Tool Academy, Matt Cassel makes too much money, there is no hope.

And so, I will continue to watch games when it’s convenient.  I will never stop rooting for the Chiefs.  I know that someday the Chiefs will be respectable.  I know that there will once again be a bandwagon.  And I can promise you; I will be on that wagon.  I am just going to have someone save my seat for now.   After 29 years of Chiefs fan-dom, three playoff wins, no super bowl appearances, and way too many “next year is going to be the year” moments, I think I have earned that spot. 

And just in case next year is actually, the year.

Slaps!  You all heard me.

Steel-ing a Victory (It’s a Pun, Get it!?!?)

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 11/23/2009 – 12:22pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

I spent yesterday furniture shopping.  That’s right.  A Sunday in the middle of November walking the vast aisles of cherry wood and leather that is the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center in Urbandale Iowa.  I forwent NFL week 11 to look for dining room tables and area rugs for my new place, and help my roommate find a new mattress*

* Which led to the inevitable “two straight guys lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes” which led to the inevitable, “two straight guys nearly getting kicked out of the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center for lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes.”

I was not watching football, no sir.  I was lost in the intoxicating madness of zero-percent interest for 24 months and pre-holiday shopping madness.  I didn’t even realize that football was going on until I walked past the HDTV department and saw Brett Favre laughing on the sidelines at the end of the Vikings game (he’s like a kid out there!!), at which point, I decided to open up my cell phone, and see how hard the Chiefs got spanked.

The next two minutes went like this: “Wait…what??  That’s gotta be a misprint.  Overtime?!?!”  I called my dad and he regaled me with like play-by-play beginning with Jovan Belcher’s tackle of Mendenhall on third down.  I shrieked so excitedly when Succop kicked the game-winner, that I got more stares than when I was demonstrating the superiority of the Sealy Posturepedic to the Simmons Beautyrest re: the doggystyle position.

So what’s there to say??  How can I possibly analyze a game that I didn’t even have a vested enough interest in to watch??  Well I can’t…really.  Alls I know is from looking at highlights and statistics, which tell the story of a team that got lucky to the tune of a 97-yard kickoff return and a 94-yard interception return.  But, they still won the game.

I like to view sports thru a statistical lens.  Don’t tell me how much “poise” a QB has, or how much “heart” a defense plays with.  Those are made-up things that manifest themselves by way of sportswriters who can’t think of anything better to write.  Give me something concrete that I can sink my teeth into. 

By that rationale, it doesn’t seem like the Chiefs are getting any better.  Sure they won, but statistically they got their asses handed to them.  They can’t win week-in, week-out with the group of flunkies they keep trotting out.  We already know this.  The stats say so.

But, there was one thing that I saw in the highlights this week that made me go, “Hmmm.”  It was something that was beyond the boxscore, beyond the statistics, and something that I think the Chiefs can truly build on.    At the end of the game, Succop’s field goal sailed thru the uprights, about a dozen Chief’s players immediately went to Todd Haley to give him a bearhug.

So much as been said about Haley being an asshole*, and most of it is probably true.  Thing is, when the Chiefs do succeed, it seems as if they gravitate toward him.  And it doesn’t seem as if it is being done in a sarcastic, “we won despite you being a jackass,” sort of a way.  It seems as if it’s being done in a, “I know you drive us hard, but man, that makes the payoff that much more sweet,” sort of way.  And on top of that, it looked like he actually enjoyed it!!  When Dwayne Bowe dropped a bucket of Gatorade on his dome after his first win in DC, he looked like Haley was about to rip his head off.. .

* Seriously.  Googlefish ‘Todd Haley is.’  The only thing that pre-populates is ‘a jerk.’

And I hate writing stuff like that, because it is not statistical.  It’s not concrete.  There is no smile/frown ratio to reference when making that point.

Still, if a miracle win against a team that thoroughly destroyed you in every was is what is needed for a team to trust their hard-driving head coach, than so be it. 

Hell, he’s even got Jason Whitlock convinced…though I don’t know if that’s just because Whitty’s too exhausted from writing three whole columns in the past week to write anything else…too bad there’s not a stat for that.

Ups and Downs

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/17/2009 – 3:51pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College  

Well, sometimes things just can’t find the direction that they want to go.  Have you ever had one of those days, where when one thing goes well, another seems to tank?  Of course you have.  Since you are reading things on this site, you are probably a Kansas City sports fan.  If you haven’t had one of those days, you just did.   And away we go…

 

CY GREINKE

WE all know that this was an easy decision.  But we also know that some in baseball’s elite would have loved to ignore the numbers, and give this to someone from a more successful baseball city.  This is validation for all of us who watched almost every Royals’ debacle last year*.   As we watched Zack dazzle us with upper 90’s fastballs followed by knee-buckling curveballs in the 60’s we knew.  Even though Zack would get no run support, and sometimes even lose a game in which he gave up one or fewer runs, we knew. So to all you so called experts out there, take that.  Now, just wait for the trade…Anyway, there’s an upper…

*Some of us even paid money to watch every one of these train-wrecks last season.

LJ FITS IN

Larry Johnson signs with the Bengals.  Good riddance, I know.  But why couldn’t he have gone somewhere with no hope of being successful?  I mean, there is no doubt that, if there is anywhere that this delinquent could fit in, it would be Cincinnati.  But they have also shown that they can take a seemingly washed up running back, and make him good again.  Exhibit A: Cedric Benson.  Anyone who is playing fantasy football knows that this guy was the steal of the year.  Plus, to make matters worse, LJ now gets to play for an almost sure fire playoff team.  The Bengals have a two game lead, and own the tie breaker against the Steelers in the AFC North.  And who will Cincinnati get to steamroll at home two days after Christmas?  That’s right…downer…

ALL STAR GAME (almost) OFFICIAL

Comcast Sports New England is reporting that Kansas City will officially be announced as the site of the 2012 All Star game.  Again, we pretty much all knew this, but it is still exciting.  Please take a moment to give thanks to MLB for instituting the “every team must have one all-star” rule.  Yeah, Zack’s contract runs out that same year.  You think he won’t be ready to bolt, or most likely traded by then?  I can’t wait to see Wilson Bettemit in that All-Star uniform.  Still, that brings a lot of fanfare to our beloved team.  Maybe we’ll even get a nationally televised game sometime after that.  Good news KC…wait for it…

BOWE HAS DIARRHEA

Dwayne Bowe has been suspended for four games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.  Apparently, he was trying to lose weight during training camp, and decided that using a banned diuretic would be the best way.  Look, I am not an expert on losing weight, but I do know that all you have to do is burn more calories than you take in. How many calories do you think an average (term used very loosely) wide receiver in the NFL burns a day at training camp??  Way more than I do writing these columns, I can tell you that.  Just don’t eat Dwayne!  You don’t have to give yourself the runs to lose weight.  Just work hard!  I think I am starting to get the picture with Mr. Bowe…bummer…

KU FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE PUSSIES

So you aren’t living up to expectations.  I understand.  But rather than take your lumps, and move on, definitely tell your mom that your coach yelled at you inappropriately.  My god, is this what it has come to?  You’re adults.  I have been yelled at “inappropriately” by any number of people in my life.  Get over yourselves, and maybe become bowl eligible.  Candy asses…

 KU IN THE LOU

HP and I are headed down to the Scottrade Center tonight for the KU-Memphis matchup.  Stay tuned for a blog about this one.  GO KU!!!  ROCK CHALK!!!

OUT OF OPTIONS

I’ll let you read this for yourself.  Click Here.   I know it’s ridiculous, but that’s just the kind of day KC is having.  Talk to you in a day or two…

Dear Larry

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 11/11/2009 – 4:38pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

Dear Larry Johnson,

 First off, thank you.  Thank you for everything that you did back in 2005 and 2006.  When Priest Holmes went down with a hip injury that made us all cringe, you were there to “take the diapers off”, and pick up where he left off.  You were awesome.  Seeing you dive into the end zone with no time left to win a game against the Raiders was so cool.  Watching you barrel through the middle of defenses was amazing.  You never were going to break away from a chasing tackler, but you didn’t care.  You had no intention of being tackled by him anyway.  You would just carry him with you into the end zone again.  So yeah, do we owe you some praise?  Absolutely.  Did you make KC Chiefs football enjoyable for us fans for a few years?  No doubt.  You were great.  Thanks.

That being said, fuck off.  Go away.  We don’t owe you a thing.  You have made your millions.  Whether or not you have any of them left is quite another question.  We don’t care.  Go anywhere; just don’t come back here.  And don’t think that we ever want you back here.  Did I really hear this quote from you yesterday?

“Hopefully, maybe someday, when I’m 33, 34, and I’ve still got a little bit of burn left, they’ll let me come back and get those yards.”

This made me feel like I was in the middle of dumping a girlfriend, and she just asked if we were going to remain close.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  Look, I know that we are not a good football team.  We are young.  We need to get some more talent.  But what we don’t need is you, your 1.8 ypc this season, you off the field shenanigans, your Twitter account, or your name on the Chiefs’ record books. 

I know that someone will sign you.  It may even be this week.  Lord knows there are enough shitty teams in the NFL.  Maybe they can use you.  You claim to have “competitive issues”.  I guess “competitive issues” roughly translates to “I have no idea how to act like an adult or how to be appreciative of all the blessings I have in life”.  So yeah, enjoy Washington D.C. or Tampa Bay.  You won’t be missed. 

So many times, over the last few years, you screwed up.  You would get caught, your agent would issue a statement, you would apologize, promise that you would change, and then never live up to your word.  Here is another quote from you yesterday:

“I started in Kansas City,” Johnson said. “I wouldn’t have no problem going back and trying to finish my career in Kansas City.”

I pray that you re-read, and live up to that statement, moron.

Regards,

L. Wood Kellogg

Larry Johnson is As Good At Speaking English as He is at Playing Football

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 10/26/2009 – 5:06pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

For those of you who don’t know, your boy Bellwether is a pretty accomplished musician.  I have rocked out with my cock out for years with a few weekend warrior friends over the past few years, and have even released albums and toured the Midwest (in a van!!  RAWK!!). 

Now, I fancy myself as pretty damn good, and do generally take bad reviews with at least a little twinge of anger and jealousy.  Still, though, any well of comebacks that I reach into is utterly devoid of pointlessness.  You see, you’d never catch me in a retort saying something like this:

“Oh, Yeah!?!?  Well my Dad went to college at the University of Illinois in Champaign, and you know who the biggest bar band in Champaign was when he went there??  REO Speedwagon!!  Yeah!!  Think about that the next time you say my bass playing sucks!!  My dad went to the bars in college to watch REO!!”*

* All 100% True, BTW…

And do you know why I would never resort to such folly??  Because I’m not an insane person…but Larry Johnson is!! 

What other conclusion could one draw from these tweets from LJ following the Chief’s 37-7 drubbing at the hands of the Chargers.  Said [sic’d] tweets include:

“my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!”

…and…

“My father played for the coach from “rememeber the titans”. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn”

Zing, indeed.

What your father playing for a coach characterized (read: Disney’d-up) by Denzel Washington would have to do with your football acumen is beyond me, but using that as an example of how much more in-tune with the gridiron you are than a man who was breaking down film with one of the most accomplished NFL executives of all time (his father) from the age of six is down right, well…LJ-esque.  

So, I’ll give you a multiple-choice question about where this story goes from here.

1.) LJ apologizes, immediately announces that he will donate half of his 2009 salary to charity.  He also buys the whole team a giant cake (and who doesn’t love cake!!)

2.) LJ shoves Len Dawson to the ground while simultaneously spitting a drink on him and waiving a gun in the air.

3.) LJ returns to the Chief’s locker room, shuns reporters and calls Jamal Charles a faggot. 

(Don’t lie…you actually thought it might be #2 for a second there…)

I’m not going to use this space to rail (any more) on LJ, pontificate on his strange career, or speculate on the fact that said career might soon include a swift departure out of the Chief’s front door.  It is clear that LJ, the most visible hangover (term used literally) from the Carl Peterson era epitomizes everything wrong with this team at the moment: moody, angering, and not at all capable of playing football.  Larry Johnson can suck a cock (no homo).

The Chiefs Mood Counter

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 10/19/2009 – 1:59pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

If you are a denizen of the vast maze of the interwebs as I am, cycling thru the news cycle by way of various sites and links every day, you might have noticed something whilst running across any of the ten NBC local affiliate websites since the end of July.  It was then that NBC redesigned its local web experience and introduced a “mood counter” for each one of their stories.

It works like this: when you pull up a story on an NBC owned and operated affiliate website, you have the choice in participating in an unscientific mood poll by choosing how the story you are reading makes you feel.  There are six categories: furious, sad, bored, thrilled, intrigued, and laughing.  The results are displayed on the margins and the top of the page.  Pretty simple, right??  Well, since KC doesn’t have an affiliate website, I thought it would be fun to run the mood counter thru the gauntlet of shit that is the Chiefs. 

Ready??

Chiefs fans are furious at Herm Edwards and Carl Peterson for leaving the cupboard so bare.  Tough this sentiment is losing traction.  Todd Haley’s assertion that he could take 52 guys of the street and win two games in the NFL is looming over this season, and the fact that we won as ugly as we did doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that he’ll reach that goal.  With every pitiful performance, the pendulum on the anger-meter is swinging ever closer to the Pioli/Haley side.

Chiefs fans are sad about the handling of Derrick Johnson.  DJ was hailed as a savior when he somewhat miraculously fell to the Chiefs in the 2005 draft.  His oft-disappearing style of play has marked him as nothing less than a huge disappointment in his time here, but this season, when he’s been on the field, he has contributed.  The problem is that he’s long been in Haley’s doghouse, and his recent up-tick in playing time seems to originate not from an increase in ability, but from an effort to boost his trade value. 

It is sad when you know that ¾ of the players on the field are likely to be sent for the trash bin as soon as something better comes along, but this is certainly not the ending forsaw by those who bought a 56 Johnson jersey in the spring of 2005.

Chiefs fans are bored with the season.  Already.  Please, do we really have to care for 12 more weeks??  I guess we do.  It is brutal to watch a team that is in the bottom five in all offensive and defensive categories, but I think that we can all agree that…

…Chiefs fans are thrilled with the fact that we actually won a game.  Hey, whatever else happens this season, at least we’re not going 0-16.

Chiefs fans are intrigued about Russell Okung.  Who??  Get used to hearing it.  The 6’5” 315 lb-er out of Oklahoma State is one of the top LT prospects in the 2010 draft, and is the odds-on favorite to don the Arrowhead next fall.  Say what you want about creating a pass rush, or building a defense, the most glaring weakness on this football team is it’s porous O-Line.  What I’m really intrigued about is how Branden Albert still has his neck intact after giving up 4.5 sacks and getting flagged four times in the first five games. 

Chiefs fans are laughing at Haley’s Gatorade shower and post-game weep-fest.  Seriously, guys, act like you’ve been there before.  Though I can’t say that I really blame them.  After all, who knows when we’ll be back in the winner’s circle again.

Weak 4 Picks

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 10/04/2009 – 10:33am
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

If any of you were attempting to make money by using these picks last week, I hope that you listened to be and not Bellwether.  One side note; my beloved Minnesota Wild opened the season last night against the Blue Jackets, and promptly laid and egg on the road.  That officially means that every single team that I like in any sports sucks.  It’s a sobering thought.  Please tell me that college basketball starts soon.  Please.    

BJ: HOUSTON (-9.5) vs. Oakland – Who would win the Quarterback battle in Oakland if it were between JaMarcus Russell, Paul Crewe and Shane Falco??  Easy.  They pick up Scott Bakula after week 2.  Logg: Houston’s defense is pretty much the only thing that can make Russell look good.  I’ll take the RAIDERS.

 BJ: NEW ENGLAND (-2) vs. Baltimore – The Ravens, the most dominant team of the young season is getting points??  Either Vegas loves the Pats too much (they do), or they’re not too dumb to look past the fact that two of Baltimore’s three games were against the Browns and the Chiefs.  Logg: New England just doesn’t look right.  Maybe it’s because their QB is in KC.  Just kidding.  Take the PATS

 BJ: Cincinnati (-5.5) vs. CLEVELAND – Do you think Brady Quinn got benched because of or in spite of this picture??  Logg: Here in Cleveland??  I didn’t even know we had a team.  Yeah, we got uniforms and everything.  It’s really great.…BENGALS

 BJ: Tennessee (-3) vs. JACKSONVILLE – Do you think Jeff Fisher will get fired because of or in spite of this wardrobe choice?? Logg: I didn’t think that the race for the number one pick would be between the Chiefs, the Rams, and the Titans.  TITANS bounce back.

 BJ: NY Giants (-8.5) vs. KANSAS CITY – Is 8.5 the line, or the over/under on the number of snaps it takes for Osi Umenyiora to make Branden Albert cry??   Logg: They gotta win sometime, right?  Right?  Keep the faith – CHIEFS

 BJ:  CHICAGO (-10) vs. Detroit – KC is 2 for their last 28.  With last week’s win, the Lions are 3 for their last 28…including a win over the Chiefs.  [Channeling my inner-Bill Simmons] I will now light myself on fire.  Logg: Lions go back to back and take this one straight up.  LIONS

 BJ:  WASHINGTON (-7) vs. Tampa Bay – You are 28th in the league in scoring offense, your coach is a major gash, and you just lost to the fucking Detroit Lions…so of course you’re a touchdown favorite!!  Did I look at the schedule wrong??  Are the ‘Skins playing the Chiefs this week??  Logg: How is Jim Zorn still employed?  Does he have naked pictures of Daniel Snyder?  Will he share, I mean…um…BUCS.

 BJ: INDIANAPOLIS (-10.5) vs. Seattle – ? (Bellwether chose to write nothing about this game)  Logg: How are you speechless after the Seahawks uniforms last week?  COLTS in a laugher.

 BJ: NEW ORLEANS (-7) vs. NY Jets – Know what would be hilarious??  If somebody made a #6 Jets jersey that had the name “DIRTY” on it.  I can’t be the first one to think of this.  Logg: I need Drew Brees to bounce back in a big way for the sake of my fantasy teams.  SAINTS

BJ: Buffalo (-2) vs. MIAMI – Dammit…I wasn’t the first one to think of that.  That completely took me out of the mood to tell a Jimmy Buffet joke…and I’m full of Jimmy Buffet jokes.  Logg: If the NFL decided to not play this game this week, how many people would notice? PHINS

 BJ: SAN FRANCISCO (-9.5) vs. St. Louis – “And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell your friends, that you placed a wager…on Kyle Boller!!!”  Logg:  Leonard Little killed someone while driving drunk.  I just wanted to remind everyone of that.  RAMS keep it close.

 BJ: Dallas (-3) vs. DENVER – ‘Cause Fuck Denver, that’s why… Logg: I can’t believe I am writing this for a second straight week.  Yeah!  Fuck Denver!  COWBOYS

 BJ:  PITTSBURGH (-6.5) vs. San Diego – OK, so Mike Tomlin, Darren Sproles and Jimmy Buffet walk into a bar……………….and Tomlin tells Sproles, “Get that parrot outta’ there!!”  Told you I’m full of Jimmy Buffet jokes.  Logg: Jimmy Buffett and Ben Roethlisberger walk into a bar.  Ben has a boat steering wheel attached to his penis……….Yar, it’s driving me nuts!  STEELERS roll.

 BJ:  MINNESOTA (-3.5) vs. Green Bay – Did you guys know that Green Bay used to have the Brett Favre??  It’s True!!  And now Minnesota has the Brett Favre!!  I know!!  Logg:  Did you know that I hate the fucking Vikings??  It’s True!! And the Packers are playing the Vikings!  PACKERS

Logg Last Week: 9-7

Logg Season: 24-24

Bellwether Last Week: 7-9

Bellwether Season: 7-9

Tuesday Roundup

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 09/29/2009 – 12:50pm
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Royals, Local College  

Pretty busy week here at KCSportspodcast. Here’s what we know:

Sherron Collins needs to stop banging football player’s girlfriends:

In actuality, I don’t know if it was Collins who was guilty of diddling Dezmon Briscoe’s girlfriend, but it’s sure possible. I haven’t done too much research on the topic, but if I were playing Clue, my first guess would most certainly be: Sherron Collins, in The Elevator, with His Junk.

Again, there could be more details rolling around the blogosphere regarding this story, but until the first jump ball, I’m kind of impervious to most KU Basketball stories that don’t involve raging lunatics. (Though I am told that Brady Morningstar’s role in this whole melee was him talking trash while simultaneously hiding behind the Morris twins, which is just…awesome.)

Still, Tyshawn Taylor dislocated his thumb in one of the fights, which is bad, and twittered about it, which is good, and as long as the fights stay away from being too stabby, well I say it’s just idiots boys being idiots boys .

In the words of Tyshawn: “keep my name out ya’ mouth for you get smacked in it.”

In the words of Frank Reynolds: “I bet that broad was classy as shit.”

Luke Hochevar needs to stop being so bad at baseball:

Royals news these days is ad nauseam: “Zack Greinke is going to get screwed out of the Cy Young.” While it would be a shame to see such a fate befall our one shining star, it doesn’t seem likely, as many many more baseball minds are waking up to the fact that pitcher wins are about as indicative of baseball goodness as Dayton Moore’s scouting ability.

But this section of the post is about our fearless 1st rounder Luke Hochevar. As many of you may know, Luke has been dominant this season to the tune of an 80-pitch complete game against the Reds, 13 strikeouts and no walks against the Rangers, a three-hit shutout against the White Sox etc. So the question is how, how, HOW is his ERA 6.42??

Well, outings like last night might have something to do with it. Luke has been an enigma. He’s been on and off, hot and cold. He was tipping his pitches, then fixing it, then getting bombed.

The good news: at least one guy sees him as the next Chris Carpenter. Let’s hope by the next Chris Carpenter, he doesn’t mean the next Tony Brizzolara. Who?? Exactly.

Sigh…only one more week, then no more Royals until next April…or until Dayton Moore trades Carlos Rosa for Willy Taveras in January.

Rasheed Wallace needs to stop…well nothing. He needs to keep doing shit like this:

If I told you that there were a professional athlete not from or having, on the surface, anything to do with Kansas City, who was seen at the Eagles/Chiefs game wearing a Derrick Thomas jersey and carrying a prosthetic leg, you’d say Rasheed Wallace, right??

Apparently this is was what happened at Lincoln Financial Field in Philladelphia after the game on Sunday, when ‘Sheed was a member of the scene described above. Remarkably, we still have no answer on just who’s leg it was that he was carrying , or why.

Frankly, I don’t want to know. And, personally, I think the crazier thing is rooting for the Chiefs in the first place. I’ve often said I would sell my leg for a Super Bowl Title…unfortunately, somebody took that a little too literally. What I’m not surprised about is that it was Rasheed Wallace.