Author Archives: Bellwether Johnson

Through the years, Bellwether Johnson has roosted in the hen house and wallowed in the pig sty.

The Yost With The Most

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Filed under Kansas City Royals

Maybe it’s that Honeymoon glow.  Maybe it’s the fact that his name is not Trey Hillman.  Maybe it’s the incredible restraint it must take the man to not grow a moustache.  (He would totally look awesome with a moustache)  Whatever it is, spending the weekend with Ned Yost has led to me completely and totally trusting the man.  He’s the anti-Trey.

I was down in KC over the last weekend, and was therefore privy to 1.) actually watching the Royals, and 2.) getting first-hand accounts and analysis of Yost’s first series on the job from a number of respected talking-heads not named Jason Whitlock.

Trey Hillman is behind us, and I will be happy if I never utter his name again, so we don’t need to re-hash the idiocy of some of his moves.  With Yost, you get the feeling that he’s not a reactionary type.  He knows his players.  He knows how to get the best out of them.  He knows what to do in various baseball situations.  Of course, these are the very basic characteristics that you want in a major league manager.  And these are the characteristics that the previous Skip was lacking.  The fact that Yost is at least competent already puts him light years ahead of Trey.

Also, Dave Owen…FTG

Yost isn’t without flaws.  He got canned by the Brewers with 12 games left in the 2008 season while his team was in the middle of a pennant race.  Which is odd.  There were circumstances surrounding the firing that aren’t entirely known, but the fact is it happened.  The reasons why are a little less than black-and-white, but he was the leader of a team that won 65 games the season before he got there, and made the playoffs six years later.

Of course, you don’t want to heap the credit strictly on him.  You have Prince Fielder, JJ Hardy and Ryan Braun to thank for that.  But, you do have to give Yost credit for this: he didn’t fuck it up.  Now, getting fired 12 games from the finish line might lead you to believe otherwise, but Dave Sevum (his replacement) only went 7-5 down the stretch.  A lot has been said about that team being in a 3-11 slump before his firing, but prior to that stretch, the Brewers went 8-1.  His firing seemed like a panic move, and all those who have analyzed it since tend to lean that way too. 

But being Not Trey Hillman aside, there are three things that Yost did or said during the weekend that made me like and trust him.  Here they are:

1.) Some of the critique of Yost prior to his being shown the door in Milwaukee surrounded his almost absolute refusal to use the sacrifice bunt as an offensive weapon.  In the NL, with the pitcher batting 9th, it is generally assumed that the sac bunt in necessary and integral to success.  However, Sabermetric research has shown that is it an absolute rally-killing croc.  And Yost seems to agree.  Martin Manley does a nice job of pointing this out by using numbers that frighten and confuse me…but still generally point me in the direction that Hillman was a quack, and Yost knows what the fuck he’s doing.

2.) Much has been written about Luke Hochevar and his maddening inconsistency.  He’s been good, and incomprehensibly bad, and a lot of it might have to do with his inability to keep his head on straight when things start to trend downward.  Case-in-point: Saturday Night.  Going into the 7th inning, with a three run lead, Hoch looked visibly shaken when the Alexi Ramirez got an infield single with one out on a ball that a shortstop with even average range (i.e. not named Yuniesky Betancourt) would have gotten to.  He ended up losing control and giving up four runs, the lead and the game.

So what did Yost have to say after the game??  Did he second-guess himself about not going to the bullpen earlier??  Did he throw Yuni under the bus for not getting to an easily field-able ball??  No.  He said that was part of the plan; that Hoch needs to learn how to pitch himself out of jams.  Wow.  What a breath of fresh air.  This is similar to Gil Meche coming back to the dugout after throwing 100+ in six the night before, and signaling to Yost for one more inning.  Yost said no.  He went to the pen, saved further wear on Meche’s shoulder, and got W.

If he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, at least he’s honest with how he does it, and that inspires confidence; something that is sorely lacking in this organization.

3.) The handling of Kila Monster getting sent back down again today.  Yost knows his team, and the limitations surrounding it.  And I’m speaking here of Ka’ahuie’s inability to make it on the field during his most recent stint on the big club.  Instead of talking in vague overtones about the competitiveness of his need for more seasoned instruction, Yost plainly stated that with Jose Guillen and Big Stroker entrenched at DH and 1B, there simply enough at-bats to go ‘round.  “It just kills me to see Kila sitting on the bench and not playing,” said Yost…”I think he’s a huge part of our future, and for me I’d much rather have him down there right now, getting his at-bats, playing first base and if something happened he could come back here.

By acknowledging things which any educated Royals fan most certainly already knows, instead of dismissing it outright in some attempt to prove his legitimacy as a manager, Yost effectively justified his decision, however unpopular amongst the populous.

I for one am excited for having Yost in a Royals uniform.  I know that we’re not going to be competitive for a while with the talent we have on the team, but you know what??  So does Ned Yost.  And that’s more than I can say for…what’s his name??  Traysomething??  I’ve already forgotten. 

Thank God.

Better Know A Chiefs Draft Pick: Tony Moeaki

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Filed under Feature, Kansas City Chiefs

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Iowa TE Tony Moeaki

Pros: He’s from freaking Iowa!!  Woo Hoo!!  Hey, that’s where I live, and having to deal with the insufferable Hawkeye fans talking themselves into thinking their program is on par with Ohio State and Michigan every year notwithstanding, I have become somewhat of an Iowa bandwagoneer.  Iowa being a Big Ten school, this doesn’t infringe on my KU fandom.

Here’s what you need to know about Iowa football: they play just like the Chiefs.  Well, not like these Chiefs, but the good old 1990’s Chiefs teams you used to know and love.  Last year, against Penn State, Iowa allowed a 63 yard opening touchdown drive.  They did not allow Penn State past the 35 yard line the rest of the game.  They play a tough front four, have an excellent pass rush, and absolutely shut you down on the corners.  On offense, they’re content with pounding the ball, and playing the field position game.

So what does Tony Moeaki have to do with any of this??  Well, he’s that hard-nosed, do-anything type of player that Pioli (and good friend and Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz) loves.  Need a block??  He’ll do it.  Need a first down catch over the middle??  He’ll do it.  Good.  Solid.  Moeaki.

Cons: He’s not Tony Gonzalez.  The comparisons started coming in right off the bat (LOOK!!  His name is Tony, too!!), but let’s be honest.  Tony Gonzalez is the greatest TE to ever play the game.  The resemblance seems ridiculous to me, but there’s going to be some Chiefs fans who will tune in week 6 and see that Moeaki only has one TD reception, and think of him as a disappointment.  This is inevitable, especially since we moved up in the third round to take him. 

We’re not going to pay Moeaki to make TD receptions.  We’re going to pay him to play an adequate, solid, un-spectacular tight end.  And that he can do.  He’s not flashy, and will not awe you with any aspect of his game, but he can hold his own…and that’s what this offense needs. 

That is, if he can stay healthy.  If there’s one knock on Moeaki, it’s his propensity to get injured.  He’s broken wrists, elbows, foots, strained hammys and calfs, but still made it onto the field.  We’ll have to cross our fingers and hope that he can relieve some pressure on not only Matt Cassell, but also Dwayne Bowe and Dexter McCluster.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.  I was talking with his former head coach Kirk Ferentz at Iowa the other day.  You know what Ferentz told me??  He said that this guy Moeaki is the best fucking Tight End he’s ever coached.  Now, I don’t know anything about Kirk Ferentz, but the guy seemed to know what he was talking about.  And I tell you what about this kid Moeaki.  He might not be able to stomp any taints, but if you ask him to stomp some taints, he’s damn well gonna try to stomp some taints.  This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: Swiffer WetJet

You’ve seen it.  It’s fucking awful.  Lady buys a Swiffer WetJet.  Old mop is thrown out by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  Old mop is dejected.  Old mop sees old broom.  Old broom had previouly been rejected by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  “Who’s that Lady” plays.  Old mop is attracted to old broom.  Old mop and old broom live happily ever after.  I stab myself in the brain with a grapefruit spoon.

Here’s the thing about that commercial, though.  It’s not for you.  You are not the target audience.  It is for middle-aged housewives who actually have to stay home and clean up after your disgusting-ass self.  And you know what??  Middle-aged housewives love that shit.  I mean they just eat it up.  They think, “Oh, that’s so funny!!  Look at how cute those two mops are!!  I wish my husband still looked at me that way.  Maybe I should get the Ab Circle Pro out from underneath the bed…where’s that box of Milanos??”  You see, this draft pick is not for you, either.  You want touchdowns.  Football coaches what a player they can forget about in terms of whether or not he’ll do his job.  

Also, the Swiffer is not an absolute necessity.  It gets the job done, but an old mop could get the job done too.  Sure, that old mop wouldn’t be ideal; it would leave some scuff marks.  But the Swiffer not only sweeps, it cleans and polishes, too!!  We could have continued on with an old mop off the scrap heap.  Or we could have held on to our Cortech 485446 Floor Polisher.  Instead we got a Swiffer.  You spend a few extra bucks on it when you go to Target, and it’s there when you need it.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Javier Arenas

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Filed under Feature, Kansas City Chiefs

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Alabama Cornerback, Javier Arenas

Pros: A very good cover corner in college and a dynamic kick returner; rated #1 in the draft on many boards.  Plus: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim CastilleTRADITION!!

Cons: Undersized at 5-7 and 200 lbs.  He figures to be a nickel back in most situations.  You had better believe teams are going to concentrate on isolating their tight ends on him on passing downs…and didn’t we just spend a pick on a hybrid return man??  Also: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “You know, when I coached the Oakland Raiders, we had a quarterback.  His name was Rich Fucking Gannon.  Now, you think anybody gave this guy a shot?  No.  And what does he go out and do?  He wins the fucking MVP of the National Fucking Football League.  This guy Javier Arenas; he’s small by NFL standards – I mean my horse’s cock is bigger than him – but I tell you what, guys.  This guy Javier Arenas, he’s a fucking football player.  Just like Rich Fucking Gannon.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: HughesNet High Speed Internet Service.

I don’t know how many of you have seen these commercials.  I’m guessing maybe not a whole lot.  Hughesnet is basically internet by satellite, or internet for hayseeds who live in the sticks and can’t get a cable hookup.  I live in Iowa.  This state is nothing but hayseeds who live in the sticks.

Now the commercial stars one Kimberly Joseph who, if you ask me, is quite striking* in a Hannah Storm kind of way.

* It’s funny.  The closer you move to thirty, the more attractive “older” ladies become.  What used to be dismissed in my own head as a Mrs. Robinson situation is now an actual, not-frowned-upon-by-society possibility.  I’m not downplaying the attractiveness or Ms. Joseph.  I’m just saying that if I saw her out at a bar, I wouldn’t feel as weird as I would as a 23 year-old about going up and talking to her…and promptly getting rejected.

The problem with this commercial (which I could not was too lazy to find) is that her hair is all whacked out.  It looks like somebody stuck a sea-urchin on the back of her head.  I look at Arenas’ size the same way.  Just like I can’t watch HughesNet girl without thinking about how fucked up her hair is, I can’t get past the fact that Arenas is Tom Cruise size.  Sure, I see all of the really attractive qualities about him, but can’t help but think that he’s nothing more than the second coming of Mark McMillan.

Also: The HughesNet product itself.  It’s like DirecTV without the TV.  You get your internet thru a sattelite.  It seems like such a hassle to invest the money to get an entire freaking satellite just to get internet.  Are we sure that we need to invest the time and money just to get a kick returner??

Hell, who am I kidding.  Considering the timing, placement and round, Arenas might end up being the pick of this draft.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Dexter McCluster

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Filed under Feature, Kansas City Chiefs

Ways He’s Like the Television Character Dexter: One is a silent killer, lurking where you don’t expect him, killing only those who deserve it, and living by a code which justifies his existance.  The other is the television character.  You see what I did there??  Boom.

Ways He’s Not Like the Television Character Dexter: His hair is not nearly as cool (or it’s a lot cooler??).  Also, he’s not a serial killer…I think… 

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “I tell you what, guys.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.  He’ll do anything you need on the football field.  If I were this fucking guy’s coach, I’d tell him to stomp the opposing team in the taint.  And you know what??  Goodbye taint.  You might as well go ahead and start writing the taint’s eulogy right now.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.”

Nickname When He Scores a Touchdown: The O-Dub.  When McCluster was drafted, all of the talking heads around the table on ESPN were talking about him as a change-of-pace back.  The Chiefs plan on doing more than just letting him cleanup the table scraps of Jamal Charles and Thomas Jones.  This is why the people on ESPN are idiots.

McCluster will be used a number of different ways, and the best-case-scenereo projections have him somewhere between Percy Harvin and Reggie Bush as a slash/hybrid slot reciever/returner.  When asked before the draft whether he was a RB or a WR, McCluster responded with:  “That’s hard to say.  I would say I consider myself an Offensive Weapon.”  

Offensive Weapon = OW…The O-Dub.  You’re welcome, Mitch Holtus.  

Nickname When He Fumbles: McClusetr-fuck.  That was easy. 

Pick as Overplayed Commercial:  The Coors Light Home Draft

I don’t think there was any commercial that was shown more during the draft than this one.  You know, where Ditka shows up with some hottie cheerleaders and they all drink beer and grow moustaches, or something.   “We can have a draught while we watch the draft!!,” exclaims an excitable fellow, to his football-loving compatriots.  Which is great, because I can’t, because, as the commercial says, The Coors Light Home Draft is not available yet…it is ”coming soon.”

At first, you think, “What the hell do I need something like that for??”  Then you see it a few times and you’re like, “Well, I guess that would make things a little bit more convienient,” but then, after about the 1,200th time, you start thinking, “Wow…I really don’t need something that large hogging my fridge space, and I know that if I had it, I’d be tempted to use it just a little too much, and end up sluggish and overweight.”

This is the same way I feel about McCluster.  Is the offensive coaching staff going to force the ball to McCluster in order to justify the pick and end up using him in ways he shouldn’t be used??

Let’s just stick to letting him move the ball down the field before we asking him to stomp any taints.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Eric Berry

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Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks over the next three days of the NFL Draft.  Today: Tennessee Safety, Eric Berry

 Pros: Freakish Athlete.  Great Instincts.  Legit talent.  Of course, immediately following the draft, everybody says these things.  Ryan Sims, Glenn Dorsey, Tom Bahali [sic].  But this time, you actually get the feeling that they mean it.  This guy can play (unless, you know…he can’t).

Cons: Coming out of commercial, ESPN will show you one of the draft picks talking on the phone and smiling, but will always have commentary running over them so that you can’t heat the conversation they’re having with the coach on the other line.  This way, Berman and the other idiots can continue to speculate on who the next team could possibly be picking, even though we all pretty much know…OR DO WE?!?!  They could, after all, just be pulling a McGahee.

Well, when they came back and shot Eric Berry talking on the phone, there were some technical difficulties, so we got to see Eric pump his fist in the air, and very clearly say, “I’M GONNA BE A CHIEF!!!!!,” only to get two more minutes of Steve Young telling us how great an O-Line pick would be for us.  So anti-climactic.

Also, this pick ain’t gonna fix the defense.  Until we get a legitimite pass rush, Berry’s going to have too much on his plate to turn things around on his own; one player does not a great defense make.  I’t still going to take another couple of years.  I just hope Chiefs fans will keep this in mind when we have the #27 defense next year.  I’m looking at you Kevin Kietzman.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This guy Eric Berry.  He’s a fucking football player.  The first time I saw this guy play, I got a boner.  I’m serious, guys.  A huge fucking rod.  I’m talking diamond in an ice storm hard.  I wanted to kill my mother-in-law with it.  I’m serious, guys.  Just fucking murder her with my dick.  This guy Eric Berry.  He’s gonna be a fucking football player in the National Fucking Football League.”

Jason Whitlock’s Take: “In the moments after the Chiefs made the Tennessee saftey the No. 5 pick in Thursday’s draft, I read Berry’s full resume…”

As opposed to, you know before the fucking draft.  Heaven forbid you do any research on the guy the Chiefs were going to fucking draft all along.  Jesus, man.  You didn’t even read his resume before the draft??  Could you not take yourself away from sucking Dez Bryant’s ballsac for two freaking seconds to put together an actual informed thought about who the Chiefs might actually select??  Who pays this guy??

Pick as Overplayed Advertisement: Dr. Quinn’s Open Hearts Collection.  Kay Jewlers.

God, I hate this ad.  “My muthha towwt me to oowlways keep yoow haaht owpuun.”  Just shut up.  You want me to believe that you, Jane Seymour, thespian extrordinaire, designed something that ugly, and that you truly believe that it would become an international symbol for love.  Nope…just, no.  It looks like a retarded lizard’s poop.  It’s a cheap peice of junk that poor white trash people buy to make believe they can actually afford diamonds.

Oh, and I love how the ad changes for every holiday.  Really, Jane??  I thought your open hearts collection was supposed to become a symbol for last Valentines Day…or last Christmas.  Now, you want it to be for Mother’s Day??  Also, the real Jane Seymour was one of the wives killed by Henry VIII.  If that dont’ say love I don’t know what does.

So what does Eric Berry have to do with this??  Well every Sunday during football season is like a holiday.  So, we hope that just like the damn commercial annoys the piss out of us every time a holiday rolls around, Eric Berry will be the one to annoy the piss out of opposing defenses every Sunday.  You see what I did there??

Sorry.  I know it’s kind of a stretch.  I just really hate that commercial.

Jane Seymour was totally bangable in Wedding Crashers, though.

LaceDarius Dunn Will Not Let The College Basketball Season Die

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Filed under Local College

I was done.  Done thinking about it, done worrying about it, done obsessing…done.  And the “it” of which I am referring is College Basketball.  I was finally content and happy to put it in my back pocket for the next nine months, and let the rest of the shitty world of sports in Kansas City run its course until the Jayhawks suited up again.

This is the reason there hasn’t been a lot of chatter around here with regard to Cole and X going pro.  No commentary on Brandon Knight signing with the Kentucky.  No remarks on Ben Jacobson getting a 10 year extension simply for beating Kansas.**  

 

** Though, what does that say about the stature of Basketball at Kansas, where you can get millions upon millions of dollars by beating one team one time.

 

The trip to STL for the Midwest Regional was still fun sans KU.  HP, Logg and I got to get drunk, sell our Sunday tix for beer money, get drunk, watch me puss out on getting an attractive girls phone number at the pre-game bar, get drunk, listen to DREAM, get drunk, catch a free bus rider from a skeevy looking dude who then fed us beer out of a lukewark cooler and drove us to the stadium along streets whose names you only hear on the news, get drunk, watch Michigan state do to UNI in the second half what KU should have done, get drunk, and…oh, yeah…get drunk.  Not what I had envisioned as the end of this year’s season, but fitting none-the-less.

 

What comes next.  We’ve got a whole summer of bullpen implosions to look forward to.  We have a new coaching staff full of assholes to draft disappointing defensive linemen.  We have hockey playoffs (just kidding…nobody cares about hockey playoffs).

 

So, sure.  Not the most exciting stuff to look forward to, but I’ll pay attention because I’m a dude.  But…just when I thought it was over…out of the deep blue sea comes this:

 

FUCK

 

This fucking asshole again??  Goddammnit, how old is this guy anyways??  He’s been on the team, what, like eight years?? 

 

Here are, completely of the top of my head – with no discernable research – my three least-favorite LaceDarius Dunn memories*:

 

02/14/2004

An 18 year old LaceDarius torches an unsuspecting Senior-laden KU team to the tune of 27 and 16, performing three windmill dunks, and then, to top it off, sees your girlfriend out a bar in Waco afterwords, and bangs the shit out of her.

 

01/26/2005

LaceDarius Dunn, in the midst of his second Sophomore season hits 16 three-pointers, and lifts Baylor to their first ever victory in Allen Field House.  On top of that, to punctuate his twelfth three, he spies Jeff Boschee, himself in his fourth senior season, and punches him square in the face.  In Dunn’s defense, Boschee did kind of deserve it, being Jeff Boschee and all…

 

02/20/2010

After dropping a school record 42 on Kansas, Dunn, not content with continually hitting contested shots against the Jayhawks, performs lazer tattoo removal on this chick at halftime. 

 

* The validity of these stories has not been confirmed. 

 

Point is, LaceDarius Dunn is an asshole.

 

It’s that earlier this season, when he was dropping ridiculous 30-footers with a hand in his face, I said to myself, “Fuck, I thought that asshole graduated…he’s been around for-fucking-ever.”

 

Well, looks like he’s sticking around to stick it in our craw a few more times before flying the coop.

I will now make like the Royals bullpen, and set myself on fire.

Take Your Eternal Hope Spring, and Shove it Up Your Ass

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Filed under Kansas City Royals

Shut up. Just shut up please about this whole “Opening Day is the hope-iest time of the year!!” crap. Not that I don’t care about baseball. It is great; America’s pastime and all of that George Plimpton-esque bullshit. Sure, you can read all of the aging sportswriter clichés and try to recapture your youth and the grandeur of the Great American Game. But please, don’t insult my intelligence.

Don’t tell me that The Royals have any chance.

Because we don’t. I’ve said it before that we don’t and, in case you didn’t hear me the first time: WE DON’T.

So I don’t want to hear it. I know what’s gonna happen even before it does. And what’s gonna happen is we’re gonna lose. A lot.

Now, I’m not going to go thru all of the reasons why we’re going to lose. I mean, all you have to do is look at the construction of the roster, and you can see it. No offense, no defense, no bullpen. We have three weapons at our disposal; three players who can be listed as above league average, and possible All Stars. Here’s how we decided to help them out yesterday:

1.) Zack Greinke

Ah yes, our once-every-five-day holiday. The most electric pitcher in the American League last year. The guy who had the lowest ERA since Pedro in 1999. All advanced statistics last year pointed to the fact that his year was great despite how awful our defense was. So, we spent the offseason “improving” that aspect of our roster.

First inning: Willie Bloomquist drops an infield popup with two outs that allows a run to score. In the Royal’s defense, Boom Boom was brought on to the team last year, so…at least it wasn’t Scott Podsednik’s fault??

2.) Joakim Soria

The Mexicutioner again had a brilliant year last year, despite Trey Hillman’s campaign for him to shred his shoulder ligaments into cole slaw. Soria was used for more two-inning saves last year than any other year of his young career (that’s good). Unfortunately, those opportunities were few-and-far between, forcing him to throw “cold” (that’s bad). The reason?? Dayton Moore trading away his reliable set-up men last off-season. So, really, the more dependable the bullpen, the more effective the closer.

Seventh Inning: Roman Colón, Robinson Tejeda and Juan Cruz. Jesus.

3.) Billy Butler*

* Billy needs a nickname. I say “The Big Stroker.” Why not?? We all like innuendo, right??

Big Stroker made history by achieving some Tim Kurkjain-ian goal of having over a certain number of one thing (doubles), while at the same time having over a certain number of another thing (homers), all-the-while being under a certain number of years old…though I can’t really remember what any of those numbers were. What I’m trying to say is that he’s good at the baseball.

Seventh Inning: After Billy had a two run, two out RBI single to extend the Royals to a 4-1 lead in the fifth, he sits on deck while Scott Podsednik (he’s your placesetter…really??) hits with runners on first and second and one out. Oh, and another thing: you are down four after the disaster that was the top-half of the seventh with an offense that is anemic at best. So, Pods comes thru with a single. Awesome.

Here’s what you want to do: Bring up your best hitter with the bases loaded i.e. a chance to tie the game with one swing.

Here’s what the Royals did: Sent Jason Kendall around third where he got gunned down.

Let me repeat that again, in all-caps: YOU SENT JASON FUCKING RUBBER-KNEES KENDALL HOME WITH YOUR BEST HITTER DUE UP NEXT YOU FUCKING RETARTED DIPSHIT AMATEUR FIST-FUCKING MORON.

Holy shit. Let the bullpen explode. Drop a pop-up. Fucking hit the cutoff man in the back. But please, PLEASE don’t trot Dave Owen out there and pretend that he should be anywhere near a major league roster.

Oh wait, this is the Royals.

I guess this there is one Opening Day saying that is still apt:

It’s Opening Day…and The Royals suck again.

Therapy Thru Blogging

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Filed under Local College

I have a history with the University of Northern Iowa.  First off, I live in Iowa, but running into Panther fans is not a regular occurrence.  This state is plastered with Tigerhawks, and occasionally, you’ll get a Cyclone here and there, but the only time you ever come a cross a Panther is when someone is either mentioning Kurt Warner, or…well, that’s it.  Today I went to the bar where I witnessed Kansas’ triumph over North Carolina in the Final Four two years ago…needless to say, the “UNI” fans came out of the woodwork…

I know a few UNI grads.  A couple of my buddies played on the UNI baseball team.  I have a friend who went there for a year before transferring to the school that I went to, a charming private school nestled in the ghetto of Des Moines, IA called Drake University.  The arena there is called the Knapp Center.  This is where I have had most of my contact with the Panthers.  In 2007, I was there when, after beating Iowa and Iowa State earlier in the year, Drake won bragging rights for the state by beating UNI, and the students rushed the court.

In 2009, Drake was coming off an improbable Missouri Valley Conference regular season and tournament Championship.  My UNI buddies and I decided to take in the matchup between our alma maters in Des Moines.  Drake had lost several cogs from their 2008 run: their best sharpshooter in Klayton Korver, their head coach Keno Davis, and the MVC Player of the Year Adam Emmenecker.  UNI smoked them by 35.

I didn’t really mind that much.  I have been rooting for KU since I was a kid.  Drake, I didn’t really know until I went there, and they had always sucked.  Always.  So, losing to UNI was no big surprise.  But there is one thing that pissed me off.  There was this middle-aged Panther fan sitting about five rows behind us who knew everybody — EVERYBODY — on the UNI team, and would SHOUT about EVERYTHING going on in the game…even after they were up by freaking forty.  But the one player I remember him busting a nut over the most was freaking Ali Farokmanseh.  He was a sophomore at the time, and everytime that fucker hit a three (he hit about a dozen that game), #1 UNI fan would shout, “THREEEEE ALIIIIIII!!!!!!!”  What a fucking toolbox.  My buddy Scottie leaned to me during the game and said, “(I bet that guy beats his wife).”  I can only hope she returned the favor by shooting him in the fucking face with a sawed-off shotgun.

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Any KU fan could see this coming from a mile away.  We did it to ourselves as a #1 seed in 1992 and 1998.  We lost in the first round two years-in-a-row.  I knew exactly how a loss to UNI would play out.  We would miss a few early easy buckets.  UNI would hit over 50% in the first half.  Sherron Collins would be shaky.  UNI’s D would force turnovers.  The worst-case scenario played itself out exactly like we have seen before.

I still to this day question how a team like Kansas can come out as flat as they do in games like these.  Sure, they can get themselves up to beat K-State decisively three times this season, but can always underestimate an opponent like UNI.  Why??  How can you underestimate them??  They are the MVC regular season and tournament champions.  If we had played with the same intensity that we did in the last ten minutes the entire game, we would have strolled by 20…easily.

And to Bill Self, why has full court pressure been so underutilized this season??  We certainly had the bodies to do it.  *sigh*  I’m nitpicking here.  When KU pulled within three in the waning seconds of the game, a UNI fan sitting behind be said, “Kansas doesn’t deserve to win this game.”  I turned to him, he knowing that I was rooting for KU, and said, “You know what??  You’re right.”  You might live by the William Munny parlance that “Deserve’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”  Well it does and it doesn’t.  You can’t play like an asshole for 35 minutes and expect to pull it out.

So, this is the reason why I don’t’ go gambling: Me, Logg and HP now have $600 worth of tickets to the Midwest Regional Final in St. Louis that we bought last May…and no team to root for.

My buddy Gio texted me after the game:

“This upset is like Heidi Montag stealing a part from Meryl Streep to portray an english aristocrat…Literally.”

I don’t know about that.  UNI is a good team…and they deserved to win.

Congratulations.

And Fuck Your Mother.

Ignorance is Bliss

3
Filed under Kansas City Royals

It’s baseball season!!  Isn’t that great!!  Oh…you’re a Royals fan.  Well, then.  Here’s a news flash:

Your team sucks.

No, really.  Your team sucks BAD.  Sorry for the un-sunny disposition, but the moves you’ve made in the off season to this point have been baffling.  Your team has tried to improve by doing the following:

1.) Releasing two serviceable, yet unspectacular catchers in order to sign the worst offensive catcher over the past decade for millions more than you would have owed the two that you released, one being your Cy Young winning pitcher’s favorite target the other one, a cog in the Carlos Beltran deal along with…

2.) …another fan favorite who was traded for two past-prospect age prospects, and in doing so, left your second-best offensive player without a position…

3.) …but that’s all good since he wasn’t that good defensively and you’re in the American League, so you can stash him as the Designated hitter except…

4.) …your moody, over-paid free agent gem from two off-seasons ago – who is still moody and owed more than ten million this year – will probably have to play most of the time at DH, but, like I said he’s moody, and still wants to play in the outfield, which is easier said than done because…

5.) …despite the fact that you have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to who you gave contracts to, you’ve gone ahead and acquired about a half-dozen* outfielders who are either just above, but more likely nowhere near, replacement level, …

* Estimate

6.) …one of whom you’ve promised to give centerfield to despite the fact that he probably has the worst range any of the other potential center-fielders, and who is, by the way, a left-handed power hitter, and will be playing in a home park that is notoriously brutal to left-handed power hitters.

Is that all??  Well, no.  There are untold number of reasons why the Royals will suck this year.  Six doesn’t even skim the surface.  Strangely, the Royals blogosphere, home of some of the best baseball minds in the business, has seemed, unlike in previous years, resigned to this fact.

It’s as if they’re no longer upset at it.  They’ve gone thru the five-stages of Royals fandom, and have finally, excruciatingly, made it to acceptance.  See, the excuse for Allard Baird was always that he didn’t have enough money.  We lucked into having the best young offense in baseball at the turn of the last decade, but didn’t have the resources to keep any of them.

Now that we have (at least some of) the resources, we can firmly press the weight of blame on the shoulders of Dayton Moore.

The guy always seems a day late.  Unfortunately, he’s never a dollar short.  It seems like every time he thinks we need a particular skill on the team, he goes all “Damn the Torpedoes!!” on us and does whatever it takes to solve the problem as he sees fit with little regard for any of the other skills that particular player (doesn’t) possess.

Case in point: Mike Jacobs.  What were we lacking going into last season??  POWER!!  Sure!!  That’s the ticket!!  So what does good ole’ Capn’ Moore do??  Signs Jacobs with little regard to the fact that despite his impressive power numbers, he can’t get on base or hit lefties.  Wow…that seems to be two pretty big holes in your game, especially when you (again) have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to Mike Jacobs.  Sound familiar??

This season, it was speed and defense, which is why we got the outfielders we did…except, none are particularly good at it, and, as said before, we’ve promised the one with the least range center field.  Oh, and none of them can get on base, either…FUN!!

On top of that, we’ve been told all along that we’re building the minor-league system, and while there does seem to be some talent down there, Royals fans will still no doubt continue to be reminded that there are better players that we passed up in the draft who are already making impacts on their major league clubs.

At least this time, they weren’t passed up due to signability…nope, just pure ineptitude.

In years past, this analysis might have seemed a little harsh.  Up until last off-season, Moore’s track record with the Royals seemed to point us back to respectability.  Now??

Yep.  Still in last place.

While writing this, I sent an E-Mail to Logg and Conor Jay, letting them know that the post was upcoming.

Me: “Royals post coming today…”

Logg: “Who are the Royals?”

Sigh…ignorance is bliss…

REACT TO ME!!

1
Filed under Non-Sports

Horray!!  Tiger Woods is back!!  Only he’s not!!  But he apologized!!  Only he didn’t really!!  But maybe he did!!  And he was really genuine!!  Except when he wasn’t!!  What a Fuck-Head!!  I mean, great guy!!

Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they??  The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History. 

I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes.  It was…well, what it was.  A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him.  (He was so sincere!!  Only, not!!)  Super. 

But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement.  Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen. 

This is gonna be great!!

Tiger Woods is a Real Boy.  A Real Boy!!  by Michael Rosenberg

“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”

Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today.  He simply said what needed to be said.  Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.

Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche.  This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of).  So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud.  And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.

Also, is “automaton” even a noun??

How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!!  by Bill Simmons

“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”

Okay, fair enough, I guess.  One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids.  What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??

“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”

So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way.  What an asshole!!

I could go on with Billy.  His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin.  Stick to what you’re best at, Bill.  Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.

Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!!  DIE!!  by Tommy Craggs

This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”

Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!!  How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!!  And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!

“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”

I don’t know??  A front row seat to the story of the decade week??  Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah??  Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!? 

Jeezis, Tommy.  Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports. 

Now the kicker.  From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!!  What say you??

Hey Everybody!!  I’m About to Say Something Stupid!!  by Selena Roberts

The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”

That fucker.  This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!!  Or that luger dying.  Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face.  Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics.  Nope, all Tiger’s fault.  What a dick.

“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”

This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

/slaps face

Well, sports fans.  That’s about it.  What’s that??  You want more of the double-exclamation point meme??  Sure!!

Great to see you in public again, Tiger!!  Or Robo-Tiger!!  See you at the Masters!!  Or not!!  Hey, Selena!!  Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!