Author Archives: Bellwether Johnson

Through the years, Bellwether Johnson has roosted in the hen house and wallowed in the pig sty.

Ignorance is Bliss

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 03/05/2010 – 12:36pm
Filed under Kansas City Royals

It’s baseball season!!  Isn’t that great!!  Oh…you’re a Royals fan.  Well, then.  Here’s a news flash:

Your team sucks.

No, really.  Your team sucks BAD.  Sorry for the un-sunny disposition, but the moves you’ve made in the off season to this point have been baffling.  Your team has tried to improve by doing the following:

1.) Releasing two serviceable, yet unspectacular catchers in order to sign the worst offensive catcher over the past decade for millions more than you would have owed the two that you released, one being your Cy Young winning pitcher’s favorite target the other one, a cog in the Carlos Beltran deal along with…

2.) …another fan favorite who was traded for two past-prospect age prospects, and in doing so, left your second-best offensive player without a position…

3.) …but that’s all good since he wasn’t that good defensively and you’re in the American League, so you can stash him as the Designated hitter except…

4.) …your moody, over-paid free agent gem from two off-seasons ago – who is still moody and owed more than ten million this year – will probably have to play most of the time at DH, but, like I said he’s moody, and still wants to play in the outfield, which is easier said than done because…

5.) …despite the fact that you have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to who you gave contracts to, you’ve gone ahead and acquired about a half-dozen* outfielders who are either just above, but more likely nowhere near, replacement level, …

* Estimate

6.) …one of whom you’ve promised to give centerfield to despite the fact that he probably has the worst range any of the other potential center-fielders, and who is, by the way, a left-handed power hitter, and will be playing in a home park that is notoriously brutal to left-handed power hitters.

Is that all??  Well, no.  There are untold number of reasons why the Royals will suck this year.  Six doesn’t even skim the surface.  Strangely, the Royals blogosphere, home of some of the best baseball minds in the business, has seemed, unlike in previous years, resigned to this fact.

It’s as if they’re no longer upset at it.  They’ve gone thru the five-stages of Royals fandom, and have finally, excruciatingly, made it to acceptance.  See, the excuse for Allard Baird was always that he didn’t have enough money.  We lucked into having the best young offense in baseball at the turn of the last decade, but didn’t have the resources to keep any of them.

Now that we have (at least some of) the resources, we can firmly press the weight of blame on the shoulders of Dayton Moore.

The guy always seems a day late.  Unfortunately, he’s never a dollar short.  It seems like every time he thinks we need a particular skill on the team, he goes all “Damn the Torpedoes!!” on us and does whatever it takes to solve the problem as he sees fit with little regard for any of the other skills that particular player (doesn’t) possess.

Case in point: Mike Jacobs.  What were we lacking going into last season??  POWER!!  Sure!!  That’s the ticket!!  So what does good ole’ Capn’ Moore do??  Signs Jacobs with little regard to the fact that despite his impressive power numbers, he can’t get on base or hit lefties.  Wow…that seems to be two pretty big holes in your game, especially when you (again) have a good number of the same-level players in your minor league system who cost pennies-on-the-dollar compared to Mike Jacobs.  Sound familiar??

This season, it was speed and defense, which is why we got the outfielders we did…except, none are particularly good at it, and, as said before, we’ve promised the one with the least range center field.  Oh, and none of them can get on base, either…FUN!!

On top of that, we’ve been told all along that we’re building the minor-league system, and while there does seem to be some talent down there, Royals fans will still no doubt continue to be reminded that there are better players that we passed up in the draft who are already making impacts on their major league clubs.

At least this time, they weren’t passed up due to signability…nope, just pure ineptitude.

In years past, this analysis might have seemed a little harsh.  Up until last off-season, Moore’s track record with the Royals seemed to point us back to respectability.  Now??

Yep.  Still in last place.

While writing this, I sent an E-Mail to Logg and Conor Jay, letting them know that the post was upcoming.

Me: “Royals post coming today…”

Logg: “Who are the Royals?”

Sigh…ignorance is bliss…

REACT TO ME!!

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 02/19/2010 – 4:14pm
Filed under Non-Sports

Horray!!  Tiger Woods is back!!  Only he’s not!!  But he apologized!!  Only he didn’t really!!  But maybe he did!!  And he was really genuine!!  Except when he wasn’t!!  What a Fuck-Head!!  I mean, great guy!!

Jeezis…Everybody knew this would happen, didn’t they??  The Tiger Woods Apology Tour Express Rehabilitation Tour is on in full force starting with the Most Important Speech in the History of Golf and Sports and Also in History. 

I tuned in at 10:00 and listened to all 13 ho-hum minutes.  It was…well, what it was.  A guy apologizing for his sins, and letting everybody know that he was turning the page and hoping that they would follow him.  (He was so sincere!!  Only, not!!)  Super. 

But the real fun isn’t trying to dissect his statement.  Noooo, the fun is ripping all of the over-reaction to something that we all knew was going to happen. 

This is gonna be great!!

Tiger Woods is a Real Boy.  A Real Boy!!  by Michael Rosenberg

“This was a real person with real flaws and real failures that he really acknowledged. Tiger has always preferred to sell an image instead of being himself…Ironically, at the moment when Tiger’s image is most at risk, he finally showed us who he is…[he] can’t be an automaton anymore.”

Of course Tiger Woods is a real person with real flaws, but there wasn’t much of that on display today.  He simply said what needed to be said.  Also, the guy is in therapy for sex addiction, and despite whether or not you think his “addiction” should be classified under “being a dude” or not is besides the point.

Therapy (addiction, psychological, marriage or otherwise) is an extremely personal and emotional ordeal, that requires one to look into deep, dark recesses of their psyche.  This is not an easy thing for anybody let alone for someone with the personality of Tiger Woods (or whatever we think the personality of Tiger Woods consists of).  So, I didn’t really expect his presser to take on the feel of a couch session with Freud.  And it didn’t…to everyone but Michael Rosenberg.

Also, is “automaton” even a noun??

How Dare That Phony Piece of Shit Remain a Phony Piece of Shit!!  by Bill Simmons

“The control freak whose life slipped out of control dipped right back into control-freak mode, reading a prepared speech in front of a hand-selected audience of people, taking no questions, talking in clichés and only occasionally seeming human.”

Okay, fair enough, I guess.  One of the criticisms of Woods in the past has been his almost robotic approach to everything in his life; from his preparation, to his interviews, to releasing photos of his kids.  What more, say you, oh Sports Guy??

“Tiger isn’t capable of discussing this stuff with depth or emotion. He can’t ad-lib about his feelings, and never could.”

So the guy incapable of discussing his private life in any sort of emotional or non-robotic way, discussed his private life in a non-emotional and robotic way.  What an asshole!!

I could go on with Billy.  His column is so devoid of any sense, and he contradicts himself more times than he’s referenced Teen Wolf in his columns over the past 10 years it literally made my head spin.  Stick to what you’re best at, Bill.  Namely, talking about Celtics players everybody stopped giving a shit about 20 years ago.

Die You Fucking Capitalist Piggies!!  DIE!!  by Tommy Craggs

“This wasn’t a press conference. This was an advertisement. (Same goes for that staged Getty shoot.) The moment AP, Reuters, and Bloomberg acceded to Tiger’s conditions was the moment they became willing extras in just another Tiger Woods television commercial.”

Oooh, those bastard journalists, and their damned journalisty journalisting!!  How dare they accept an invitation to the story that nobody can shut the fuck up about!!  And to report on such an event with words and phrases that describe the scene they saw!! For shame!!

“And what did these three reporters get in return for their integrity? What vital piece of the story did they provide that they might not have, had they watched Tiger Woods on a glowing box?”

I don’t know??  A front row seat to the story of the decade week??  Should the whole thing have been broadcasted from a bunker in Utah??  Or – ooh!! – how about we just fill RFK stadium, and let everybody go hog-wild?!? 

Jeezis, Tommy.  Stop with this whole “Workers of the world, Unite!!” schtick. And also, stop writing about sports. 

Now the kicker.  From the Nancy Grace of sports journalism: Selena Roberts!!  What say you??

Hey Everybody!!  I’m About to Say Something Stupid!!  by Selena Roberts

“The joyride express for the U.S. had been cruising without one international incident during the Winter Games…And then along comes an ugly American to disrupt the feel-good vibe: Tiger Woods.”

That fucker.  This Olympics would have been flawless if not for him!!  Or that luger dying.  Or Wayne Gretzkey making the Wayne Gretzky Needs to Poop Face.  Or there actually being, you know, snow at the Winter Olympics.  Nope, all Tiger’s fault.  What a dick.

“The Olympic athletes deserve a break, particularly those from the U.S. Over the years they’ve performed in front of global audiences that weren’t especially warm to them. In Athens in 2004, Americans heard boos from crowds who held Bush’s Iraq policy against them. In Turin in 2006, American athletes were ridiculed for being brawlers…In Beijing two years ago, the Americans were battered for being bad guests when several cyclists arrived in smoggy China with masks over their faces. It’s always been something.”

This has absolutely nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

/slaps face

Well, sports fans.  That’s about it.  What’s that??  You want more of the double-exclamation point meme??  Sure!!

Great to see you in public again, Tiger!!  Or Robo-Tiger!!  See you at the Masters!!  Or not!!  Hey, Selena!!  Cee yoU Next Tuesday!!

Hey, Who Let All These Potheads Into Vancouver??

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 02/13/2010 – 10:00am
Filed under Feature

Look at that!!  It’s time for the Olympi–oh, shit…

Just in time for the quad-year celebration of all things winter and Olympic-ey, Nodar Kumaritashvili goes and breaks his freaking everything on a luge practice run on the Whistler Sliding Centre (the extra ‘e’ lets you know it’s Canadian).  What a freaking bummer.

And that’s the least of it.  Olympic organizers, already under pressure to justify the speed, turns, and overall dangerousness of the supposedly “fastest track ever,” now have to answer for their decisions to limit the practice time for foreigners on the Olympic venues in the months leading up to the games in order to give an advantage to the native Canadian teams. 

But, far from me to question the integrity of the games, or grandstand on a moral pulpit; I mean, if NBC’s not going to do it, why should I??  After all, there are advertisers to keep happy!!  So, let’s get on with the celebration!!  And by celebration, I mean, let’s bore everybody to death with chiseled actors dressed up like Squanto dancing around pointlessly!!  Oops, I mean, native Inuits…native Inuits.

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a little opening ceremony party, which consisted of the following three things:

1.)    Watching the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony
2.)    Getting uproariously drunk
3.)    Turning off the Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony

Actually, there’s something to be said for these faux-celebrations of humanity; it’s fun seeing the little countries with one guy waiving the flag of Tajikistan.  Actually, what I like more are the countries like Azerbaijan that only have two participants.  How shitty would you feel if you were the one who didn’t get to carry the flag??

* This has nothing to do with anything, but I would be remised if I didn’t mention: Somebody needs to (NEEDS to) please, for the love of God, punch this man in the face.  Seriously…like, now.    

It’s tough because there’s no way anyone’s going to top the pageantry of the ’08 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremony.  I mean, when you leave things in the hands of drunken hosers instead of hundreds of thousands of Chinese performing under the slavery of communism, then what is there to really look forward to?? 

I’ll tell you what: potheads!!

That’s right!!  If there’s one thing that all of the countries of the world can come together to celebrate, it’s not the olive branch of peace, the spectacle of international competition, or the hope for all that is brought forth thru sportsmanship.  Nope.  It’s all of that fine, fine British Columbian kind bud.  Mmmm.

Now don’t get me wrong.  It takes an ass-load of skill and guts to do a McTwist on a halfpipe, or careen thru a Super G, or fly down a luge track at 90 mph. 

But when your “Olympic athletes” are saying stuff like this about how it feels to be an Olympian:

“Try to imagine Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth. I somehow tame it and ride it into the sky in the clouds and sunshine and rainbows. That’s what it feels like.”

Kind of takes away from the whole majesty of the ancient Greeks, doesn’t it??

Of course, they never had to luge.  If only they had better pot.

Ed. Note: Look forward to Logg’s Olympic Hockey/Curling preview coming early next week.

Roy

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 02/02/2010 – 10:34am
Filed under Local College

April 7th 2003:

I am brimming with confidence.  We’ve just demolished Dwayne Wade’s Marquette team to get to the NCAA Championship Game, and I’m sitting in Des Moines, IA, the backyard of Kirk Hinrich and Nick Collison, refugees from Tim Floyd’s departure form Iowa State who were swooped up by Roy Williams to help in bringing him his elusive first NCAA title. 

After valiantly falling to eventual champ Maryland the year before, it was our turn.  The previous three champs were laden with senior leadership: Mateen Cleaves and Mo Peterson’s Michigan State squad in 2000,  Shane Battier and Nate James’ 2001 Duke team and Juan Dixon and Lonny Baxter’s previously mentioned 2002 Terrapins.  Who were we playing??  A Syracuse team who’s leading scorer was a freshman, and who had only one starting senior, Kueth Duany, a forward averaging a scant 11 pts and 3 rebs per game. 

This was ours.

Two hours before the game, Hippolito Pichardo picks me up, and we head to DrugTown to get liquored the hell up for the game.  I couldn’t be more excited.  HP, like many of us is a superstitious fellow; he’s been wearing the same KU shirt for each tourney game, but that shirt is conspicuously absent from his shoulders as I hop into his car. 

“Dude,” he tells me, “You’ll never believe what happened.”  Apparently his fiancé’s sister’s dog took a huge shit on his shirt that afternoon. 

My first reaction is this.

My next is this.

With that, I knew…it was over.  We would loose, and in heartbreaking fashion.  It was after that game that my dad (an Illinois grad) clued me into the rumor that Roy would leave and would be replaced by Bill Self.

I still to this day don’t know how to feel about Roy Williams.  I couldn’t really feel that much rage over him leaving for North Carolina.  To be honest, I was more ticked about losing DeShawn Stevenson and Charlie Villanueva, recruits whose verbal commitments waved bye-bye along with Roy. 

Roy had never been a Kansas guy.  Like he said in his goodbye presser, he was a Tar Heel born and would be a Tar Heel dead…or something like that.  Jayhawk fans should hold more animosity for Dean Smith – who grew up in Emporia, who played under Phog Allen, who was a coach on the staff of the 1957 team that lost in triple overtime to North Carolina – for never coming home. 

Then, two years ago, we exorcized the demons.  We absolutely throttled his team in the final four, and then with Roy (and his giant Jayhawk sticker) watching on, we won the title.  I remember half of the KU fans assembled to watch the game booing Roy when he was interviewed at halftime wearing his allegiance to Kansas.  I wondered why.  We crucified the guy for the four-plus years since, and had just given him his pink slip from the tourney two nights earlier.  The way I saw it, we could use all the help we could get to keep another group of upper-classmen from losing to a freshman phenom again.

Since then, I’ve been indifferent.  I rooted for Michigan State in last year’s final, but out of rooting for the underdog, not because of some misplaced aggression toward Roy (or love for Tom Izzo, for that matter).  I root against North Carolina because I want KU to be #1.

Before the season started, the three most storied college basketball programs in history (sorry Indiana, UCLA and Duke) were all within distance of 2,000 all-time wins.  Kentucky, thanks to John Calipari, have already passed that milestone, doing so on Dec. 21st this season.  Looking at the perceived strengths of UNC before the season started, there was no reason to believe that KU would reach that milestone before them.

Well…guess what…

UNC currently sits at 1997 wins with a 13-8 record this season. 

KU currently sits at 1990 wins with a 20-1 record.

Say it with me:

FUCK ROY

Frank Martin Makes Me Want To Pee My Pants

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 01/20/2010 – 12:45pm
Filed under Local College

“What does this win mean to me??  It means we won a game on January 18th.  Look, these guys should be proud of the effort they showed tonight, but on Wednesday, they’d better come ready to compete with the same intensity or I WILL DESTROY THEM in practice.”

-Frank Martin after K-State’s win over Texas

Christ, he’s terrifying.

We practice a lot of homerism here in this site.  But we can.  It’s not like we’re journalists or anything.  And other than Asian Schwab, we all pretty much follow the straight path of what I believe is the plurality of  KC Sports fans.  That is, we follow and root HARD for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks Basketball.  I don’t think we need to apologize for it, but that doesn’t mean that I have to look at KC sports thru any prism other than what a specific sporting event will mean to the teams listed above.

So, with that said, I can say without trepidation that I am completely and utterly horrified of this K-State team.  They are big, they are brash, and they don’t give a FUCK.  They’re like a hockey team out there, and if there were boards on the court, rest assured they’d pull a Sutton/Dupuis any chance they could.

Not to say they’re dirty.  No, they simply play with an attitude that they are going to be more physical than you in every single aspect of the game.  They committed 32 fouls against Missouri.  They committed the same against Colorado, and the Buffs retaliated with 36 of their own, making it the most heavily foul-called basketball game in Big XII history.

While that many fouls might not mean smart basketball, it certainly does mean that K-State is playing a brute style that might not be the most pleasant to play against; at least it wasn’t to Texas on Monday, and certainly won’t be for Kansas in the upcoming Big XII season.   And that’s a reflection on their coach.

Picture this: a young, under qualified coach comes into a head coaching position with almost no relevant experience.  He his thrust into this position mostly for who he knows more than what he can do, and is probably more a product of the players he coached than they of him.  On top of that, he’s a hothead.  He constantly yells at, berates and belittles his players, often times on the playing field.  He’s ornery with the media, and lackluster when he doesn’t have superior players at every position.  Oh, and Jason Whitlock hates him.

Sounds familiar, huh??   But it’s not Todd Haley I’m talking about.  Noooooo.  I happen to be talking about Frank Martin.  Remember this??

“The Wildcats are being swallowed by the enmity, paranoia and feeling of victimization that permeates the K-State fan base and fuels…Frank Martin’s coaching style.”

Or this gem??

“All the game-day, over-the-top negative energy/vulgarity directed at the refs, the opposition…is undermining the Wildcats’ growth.”

And now this:

“[Martin] has a chance to be the Latino/Brown/Cuban John Thompson, college basketball’s groundbreaking Hispanic coaching star.”

Excuse me?? 

Those first two quotes were from columns that Whitlock wrote in Martin’s first season in Manhattan (since deleted from kansascity.com…nice archive, guys).  The last was from today’s paper, imploring new K-State AD John Currie to sign Martin to an extension.

So what’s the difference??

Winning.  That’s it, plain and simple.  It doesn’t really matter what type of coach you are, as long as you win, nobody cares what you do.  Hell, you could shit in a towel as long as you’re tallying points in the “W” column. 

When looking at coaches, it’s important not to look at the reasons why a coach might not be successful, but rather to look at why he is successful.

In the case of both Martin and Haley, Whitlock as focused so intensely on the first that he has forgotten about the latter.  Martin yells and screams, but he relates to his players.  Haley yells and screams, but has a great eye for talent, and knows exactly what he needs out of his players.  There is a reason why these guys were hired.  They know how to coach.

Trust me, the tide will turn for Haley when he gets legitimate talent to work with.  In the mean time might I suggest the beard??

Hell, it seems to be working for RobertoClementeVinceLombarti Martin.  And like I said before…terrifying.

Now Let’s All Irrationally Raise our Hopes for the 2010 Kansas City Chiefs

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 01/04/2010 – 12:40pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

Got this text from poscast contributor Daniel at 6:24 last night:

“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but spank the donkeys @ mile high & crush their hopes of making the playoffs.  I’ll take it.”

I concur, with several “fuck”s and “yeah”s sprinkled in, though I my mass “Horray Chiefs!” text would have gone something like:

“So we lose a spot or 2 in the draft but avoid Whitlock whining about Scott Pioli and Todd Haley for at least another week.  I’ll take it.”*

* In fact, if you were following @BWetherJohnson or @KCSportsPodcast on Twitter (plug!!), you would have gotten it

And so ends the 50th season of Kansas City Chiefs football, a season that will be known primarily for three things:

1.) The Chiefs sucking
2.) Todd Haley being an asshole
3.) The Chiefs sucking

The reason for pointing out the texts/tweets at the beginning of the column is that it does feel good to go out a winner.  Even if it was against a Denver team that was decidedly more putrid than what their record after six weeks looked like.

Looking at the analysis of the game from a Chiefs perspective at first put a damper on the good feelings that I had acquired while watching the game. 

Final nine weeks:

BRONCOS:
Record: 2-7
Off yards: 330
Def yards: 339

CHIEFS:
Record 3-6
Off yards: 392
Def Yards: 341

At first glance, I thought, “Oh…well, that’s not so impressive.  The Broncos were at least as bad, if not worse than us.  We should have won the game.”

Then…well, wait a minute…did I just say??

That’s right, we should have won the game.  In this historically awful season of retartedly putrid football, the Chiefs were actually (or at least should have been) favored to win a game…and they actually pulled together and did.   

Early in the season, we were (well, me in particular) resigned to downplaying any significance of the Chief’s play due to the fact that they were playing with Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards’ collection of shit boxes.  There wasn’t, I contended, any real way to determine the improvement of the players on this particular team due to the fact that most of them would be replaced by better players before the team turned the corner and actually started winning again.

Well, it looks like maybe the improvement was there after all, and there are some legitimate pieces to build on.  That, coupled with a full slate of draft picks and an entire year of scouting under their belt, I would say what looked impossible for Haley and Pioli a few scant weeks ago might actually transpire: the Chiefs might actually compete before 2015.

Of course, feel free to bookmark this and send it to me after Haley is fired after starting next season 0-5 and Jack Harry is reporting he knifed a hobo under the Paseo Bridge.

There are no magical ways for a bad football team to get better overnight.  The Chiefs still have a long, long road ahead of them, but if you would have asked me to pick any Chiefs team in the past nine years to go into Invesco Field (which opened in 2001) and beat a Broncos team that was playing for their playoff lives, this team would have been on the bottom of my list.  And this team is the only Chiefs team to do that.

That, as they say, is why they play the games.  And that, as they say, is why when you start using Chris Berman schtick, it’s time to end the column.

Jason Whitlock is fat!!  Byesers!!

Week In Review Grab Bag

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 12/19/2009 – 12:00pm
Filed under Local College

– Programming Note:

For those that follow our Twitter Feed @KCSportsPodcast we plan to be much more active, so, you know…tweet us (??)  Logg and myself have joined the fray as well. 

Follow us:

@BWetherJohnson
@LWoodKellogg

Time for a Week in Review Grab Bag!!  Let’s see what we find!!  (I hope it’s a Zhu Zhu Pet!!)

Nebraska + Iowa = Kansas

Looks like Lew Perkins was resigned to take his third choice thrilled to hire former Nebraska QB and Buffalo head coach Turner Gill.  Gill has been listed as one of the “Neat’o Awesome Up-And-Coming Coaches” (official title) for the past couple of years.  He’s had some moderate success at a place where nobody expects even moderate success, and took Buffalo to their first bowl game ever.

These are all (yawn) good things, but what most people are talking about is the crack staff of assistant coaches that Gill has assembled to serve on his staff.*  These names include such also-rans as Carl Torbush and former Iowa QB Chuck Long.  

* ”Serve on his staff”…This sounds a lot dirtier than it should…

Many are hoping that the recruiting trail will open up a little wider* with both on board, because, you know, nothing says Kansas Football like former Iowa and Nebraska Quarterbacks!!  Still, from experience, people in Iowa are fucking crazy.  Chuck Long’s name still holds a shit ton of water down here, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to convince a corn-fed half-ton youngster to take the trek to Lawrence, KS than it is to get him to go to either Buffalo or San Diego.

* “The recruiting trail will open up a little wider” …This also sounds a lot dirtier than it should…

Oh, and I’d be remised if I didn’t mention Whitlock’s take.

If you’re scoring at home:

Turner Gill: “I’ll give [him] two years before offering a strong opinion.”
Todd Haley: “Fuck that guy”
Trey Hillman: “Who??”

My advice, Turner??  Invite Ole’ Whitty over for a nice all-you-can-eat buffet before the season so that you can butter him up.  You don’t want to face the wrath of a Whitty scorned.  And if that fails??  I’m sure Charles Barkley will be more than willing to take you up on your offer.

High Powered Recruits + Overmatched Opponents = Kansas

It’s that time of year again!!  Snow on the ground??  Check.  Fifty point victories??  Check.  Sherron Collins trying to shed the last few pound of off-season McDonalds weight??  Check and mate. 

It’s College Basketball Season!!  Yeeay!!

It’s a little hard to tell about these Jayhawks.  They are absolutely rolling right now, and if not for a single renegade Texas vote, they’d be a unanimous #1.  Now, traditionally, there’s not much to be said for CBB before January, and KU’s pre-Big XII season in the past hasn’t been filled with heavy-hitters either, but this season is particularly void of nearly any competition.

Really, the only time KU has struggled this year was against Memphis, and boy was that scary.  As down as Memphis is talent-wise this year, they’re still the most formidable opponent they’ve faced this year, and they just barely squeaked it out.

Still, with as bad as their pre-conference schedule is this year, the Big XII itself is looking better and better.  Mizzou is always a tough out and only two years removed from an Elite Eight run.  K-State is no longer an afterthought, and back in the Top 25.  Texas Tech is finally buying into Knight Jr.-ball.  Even Iowa State is improved; returning their top scorer for the first time in five years.  Looks like the conference is bound to give the KU steamroller some speed bumps this winter…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing…

Also, is this a bad time to mention that I had a dream last night that KU was beaten by Wisconsin in the second round of the tourney in a game in which Cole Aldrich scored only five points??  Also (in real life) I already have tickets to go with HP to the Midwest Regional Final in St. Louis in March. 

OK…I’ll shut up now…

Mizzou + Big Ten = Cash Cow

The Big Ten, as they do every couple of years, has made some noise this week by stating that they will be looking at the possibility of adding a twelfth team to the conference, or as I like to call it, “Shit, we’re insignificant after Thanksgiving…let’s stir the pot.”

The usual names of Pitt and Notre Dame, of course came up, but one, Missouri, might sound surprising.  Missouri, after all, is not viewed as a traditional Big Ten school.  But take this into consideration.

Plus for Mizzou: The Big Ten Network has been a financial boon for the conference, with the proceeds split between all conference members.  The Big XII TV Contract with FSN is heavily geared toward the southern half of the conference.  Also, they already have a natural Big Ten rival in Illinois.  Not quite the Border War, but an established rivalry none-the-less.

Plus for the Big Eleven:  Despite gaining another team for the purposes of hosting a conference championship game, the Big Ten would figure to expand their reach to not one but two metropolitan areas; St Louis and Kansas City.  Oh, sorry…that’s $t. Loui$ and Kan$a$ City.

But, it being college athletics and all, it probably makes WAY too much sense for anybody to actually go for it.

I Slept With Tiger Woods

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 12/03/2009 – 5:00pm
Filed under Non-Sports

Hell, it’s probably true.  I don’t remember a thing after Alan gave us all Jaeger shots on the Caesar’s Palace rooftop.

Here is a list of things that I will not be talking about in this post:

1.) How weird it is that we’ve come to this place after a simple one-car accident.

 2.) Were Tiger Woods’ facial lacerations due to said car accident, or a physical altercation??

3.) What will the effect of this scandal be on his endorsement deals??

4.) My insight into the evolution of the market economy of the Southern Colonies.

And here’s why…because none of it is relevant to the discussion of Tiger Woods’ indiscretions.  Really.  None of it.  You can say, “Oh he’s such a family man…how could he do this!!” or, “His wife is so hot!!  What a dumbass!!” or, “Really??  Tool Academy chick??”*  But all you’re really doing is giving your observations on a train wreck, and really, the only salient observation on a train wreck is, “HOLY SHIT!!  Look at that fucking train!!”

* Here’s one thing I don’t get.  Now, I’m not a fan of the Tool Academy.  I don’t watch it with any regularity, and really have no desire to.  I’ve only seen bits and pieces, and here’s what I gather: the guys are even douchier than their appearance (which is mighty hard to believe, but it’s true), and have been going around, getting wasted, getting in fights, and trying (and succeeding) to get into the panties of underage girls.  These revelations are much to the chagrin of their girlfriends, who are on the show to get their men to stop diddling around on them.  There are even relationship counselors who help them build healthier relationships.

Again, I don’t watch the show, but wasn’t Jamiee Grubbs one of the girlfriends on the show??  And aren’t the girlfriends supposed to be the sympathetic figures to the rampant douchebaggery of their better halves??  And SHE’S the one banging Tiger Woods for the better part of three years?!?!  YOU OPPORTUNISTIC JEZEBEL!!  I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN REALITY TELEVISION!!!

Here’s the reason none of it matters: Tiger Woods is not human.  Not in the sense that you might think he is.  These professional athletes operate on a different plane than 99% of the population.  You know it and I know it.  In reality, I would have been more surprised to learn that he wasn’t getting his share of road beef.

All anybody is talking about these days is how his behavior runs counter to his squeaky-clean image, but that’s all it is, an image.  If it was reality, we wouldn’t call it an image.

Consequently, I cannot be the least bit surprised in the revelations of Tiger stickin’ his Woods in Grubbs’ Salad, Kalika Vision, or Pilsner Uchitel.*

* I swear, I think Jason Whitlock beamed that last sentence into my brain…

Now let me be clear: I am not defending his actions.  Not at all.  He’s got a wife, and children to worry about, and blah, blah.  But, again, HE’S NOT ONE OF US.  Professional athletes exist on a different plane than everybody else.  And, guess what??  So do their families.  They grow up with more privilege and opportunity than any of us can imagine.  The media scrutiny for them will be more than the majority of us as a consequence, but that’s the life of the child and wife of a superstar, and there’s nothing that can be done about that, no matter how many yachts named “Privacy” you buy.

I know a girl (which is to say that a friend of a friend works with her) that went to Florida when she was in college, went to a club, was spotted, sat in the VIP, and in the morning, woke up next to a very naked and very well-hung Michael Jordan.  This is the alleged story, and whether true or not, is entirely believable. This was, of course, when MJ was still married, and well before he started running a franchise into the ground or banging this chick.  The most implausible part of the story??  That she didn’t get double-teamed by him and Charles Oakley.

Point is, I can’t get all up in arms about how this goes against Woods’ squeaky-clean image, because that shit’s manufactured, and I can’t get all up in arms about how this will effect his endorsements and his golf game, because this shit won’t.

We were all shocked when Steve McNair’s Becky took him to the grave with her, and yet, despite Tiger being as unfaithful, I have heard not one person bring that up.  In other words, this will all blow over when Michael Phelps bangs a tranny hooker (or becomes one), when Ron Artest kills these puppies (It’s gonna happen), or when this happens again.  Until then, Tiger Woods is totally fucked…and yet, all is still right with the world…

Steel-ing a Victory (It’s a Pun, Get it!?!?)

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 11/23/2009 – 12:22pm
Filed under Kansas City Chiefs

I spent yesterday furniture shopping.  That’s right.  A Sunday in the middle of November walking the vast aisles of cherry wood and leather that is the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center in Urbandale Iowa.  I forwent NFL week 11 to look for dining room tables and area rugs for my new place, and help my roommate find a new mattress*

* Which led to the inevitable “two straight guys lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes” which led to the inevitable, “two straight guys nearly getting kicked out of the new Homemakers Furniture Super Center for lying in the same bed on a showroom making sexual position jokes.”

I was not watching football, no sir.  I was lost in the intoxicating madness of zero-percent interest for 24 months and pre-holiday shopping madness.  I didn’t even realize that football was going on until I walked past the HDTV department and saw Brett Favre laughing on the sidelines at the end of the Vikings game (he’s like a kid out there!!), at which point, I decided to open up my cell phone, and see how hard the Chiefs got spanked.

The next two minutes went like this: “Wait…what??  That’s gotta be a misprint.  Overtime?!?!”  I called my dad and he regaled me with like play-by-play beginning with Jovan Belcher’s tackle of Mendenhall on third down.  I shrieked so excitedly when Succop kicked the game-winner, that I got more stares than when I was demonstrating the superiority of the Sealy Posturepedic to the Simmons Beautyrest re: the doggystyle position.

So what’s there to say??  How can I possibly analyze a game that I didn’t even have a vested enough interest in to watch??  Well I can’t…really.  Alls I know is from looking at highlights and statistics, which tell the story of a team that got lucky to the tune of a 97-yard kickoff return and a 94-yard interception return.  But, they still won the game.

I like to view sports thru a statistical lens.  Don’t tell me how much “poise” a QB has, or how much “heart” a defense plays with.  Those are made-up things that manifest themselves by way of sportswriters who can’t think of anything better to write.  Give me something concrete that I can sink my teeth into. 

By that rationale, it doesn’t seem like the Chiefs are getting any better.  Sure they won, but statistically they got their asses handed to them.  They can’t win week-in, week-out with the group of flunkies they keep trotting out.  We already know this.  The stats say so.

But, there was one thing that I saw in the highlights this week that made me go, “Hmmm.”  It was something that was beyond the boxscore, beyond the statistics, and something that I think the Chiefs can truly build on.    At the end of the game, Succop’s field goal sailed thru the uprights, about a dozen Chief’s players immediately went to Todd Haley to give him a bearhug.

So much as been said about Haley being an asshole*, and most of it is probably true.  Thing is, when the Chiefs do succeed, it seems as if they gravitate toward him.  And it doesn’t seem as if it is being done in a sarcastic, “we won despite you being a jackass,” sort of a way.  It seems as if it’s being done in a, “I know you drive us hard, but man, that makes the payoff that much more sweet,” sort of way.  And on top of that, it looked like he actually enjoyed it!!  When Dwayne Bowe dropped a bucket of Gatorade on his dome after his first win in DC, he looked like Haley was about to rip his head off.. .

* Seriously.  Googlefish ‘Todd Haley is.’  The only thing that pre-populates is ‘a jerk.’

And I hate writing stuff like that, because it is not statistical.  It’s not concrete.  There is no smile/frown ratio to reference when making that point.

Still, if a miracle win against a team that thoroughly destroyed you in every was is what is needed for a team to trust their hard-driving head coach, than so be it. 

Hell, he’s even got Jason Whitlock convinced…though I don’t know if that’s just because Whitty’s too exhausted from writing three whole columns in the past week to write anything else…too bad there’s not a stat for that.

Rod Rage

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 11/05/2009 – 1:30pm
Filed under Non-Sports
“In 2002 I was injured. I had heard that human growth hormone could promote faster healing for my elbow. I felt an obligation to get back to my team as soon as possible. For this reason, and only this reason…I tried human growth hormone.” Andy Pettitte – 2007
 

I’ve surveyed the interwebs this morning, as I usually do, not looking for anything in particular, but it’s hard to not get swallowed by the crush of Yankee stories following their 27th World Championship.  And while the journalistic stories are running the gambit from trying to quantify the greatness of this current Yankee squad, to congratulating Hediki Matsui,* to second guessing the Phillies Champion-o-meter, the comments from the masses seem to be centered on one person: A-Rod.

* The best had to be the Sports Center Rundown this morning, which featured a tab that said, “Most Valuable Godzilla.”  I don’t know…if I had a vote for MVG, I’d vote for, oh…I don’t know…GODZILLA?!?!  There’s NO way that Matsui could defeat Rodan AND Mothra by himself.  MAYBE Mothra, but not both. 

I had many a person tell me in the past 12 hours that A-Rod is a cheating fuck, not deserving enough to raise the World Series trophy.  He’s a roid-monger, a dick licker, etc. etc., and he apparently makes numerous people puke just seeing his purple lips shout in championship ecstasy.

Now, I put the quote up at the top of this post for a reason.  I have heard not word-one about Andy Pettitte being a cheater, or an HGH user, or the best friends of one of the most notorious, Asshole-ish, roided dicks* ever to walk the face of the earth.

* From my new favorite website: dickipedia.org…why can’t I think of shit like this??

Now, let me clarify.  I’m not defending A-Rod’s steroid use.  I’m not even defending A-Rod.  I hate that self-loathing piece of shit as much as the next guy, but please, please don’t get all high-and-mighty about how he’s ruined the game of baseball, or that you get all nauseated every time you see him succeed.  Hate the fucker because he plays for the Yankees.  Hate him because he’s banging Kate Hudson.  Hate him because he fucks goats (he looks like a guy who would fuck goats).

Andy Pettitte gets a pass at your ‘roid rage…why??  Because you determined he was more contrite in his apology??  Because he’s Tebow Lite??  Because he helped save 23 babies from a burning day care building (he looks like a guy who would help save 23 babies from a burning day care building).

Just get off your high horse.  Everybody used steroids in baseball…EVERYBODY.  Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, A-Rod, Pettitte, Pujols, Mauer, Sweeney, Farnsworth…E.V.E.R.Y.B.O.D.Y.

Do I need proof??  Not in my eyes any more.  And you know what?? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.  I’m past it.  I’m beyond it.  So Barry Bonds shot himself full of Beef Roid and Chlomid…big deal. 

I found that once I climbed down off of my high horse, the flowers smelled a little sweeter.  Am I pissed that the roid-mongers forever changed the statistical outlook of the sport??  Sure.  Am I mad that MLB turned a blind eye to the story for so long??  Of course.  If you’re not past it, then by all means, continue to spew forth your anti-roid venom.

But please, be consistent in dispensing your hater-ade.  That is all.  If A-Rod’s a cock for cheating, then so is Pettitte

…and also for the goat fucking thing…