It’s funny; on 95% of nights, I don’t watch the Royals game until at least 10:30-11:00, and I try to avoid places where I may accidentally see the final score.  That means no ESPN, no other baseball games, I can only watch the first 20 minutes of the local news, and I even got busted catching about 3 minutes of game 7 of the NBA finals.  I fucking hate when I accidentally find out the score.  Let’s be honest here; 60% of the games I watch are going to be losses.  But at least I can watch most of the game, and hope that the Royals will stage some magical comeback.   But once I see the score, I will more than likely just delete it, and find something shitty on TV to watch instead.

Because the Cardinals are playing in KC tonight, there is another place that I have to avoid like the plague…

Facebook

I can’t take a chance that one of my classically bandwagon St. Louis “friends” might leak something in their status update.  You know it would be something like, “Felipe*__thinks the cards r gunna win the hole thing this year if they play like they did 2nite in KC.  Go cards!”

*Name changed to protect the idiots.

So since I haven’t watched the game yet, I only have three things that I can blog about tonight.  Those are: 1. The NHL draft 2. Financial Regulatory Reform or 3. The shit that I hate on Facebook (more specifically, status updates).

Let’s go with Facebook.  The following is a list of my five biggest pet peeves that I see in people’s status updates:

5. Random Song Lyrics – I know almost every lyric to every popular song that has been written in the last 30 years.  I am the fucking karaoke king.

Hugh Jerection__ ”Once beneath the stars/the universe was ours/love was all we knew/and all I knew was you.”

Even I cannot figure out what obscure line from a song you just posted.  Two questions for you: 1. What fucking song is that from?  2. Why the fuck is it important that we all see it?

4. Play by play of you watching a game – I am watching the game.  You are watching the game.  Lots of people are watching the game.  I like a little camaraderie during the game.  I usually stick with texts to HP.  What I don’t need to is open my Facebook and see nothing but posts from you…

Seymore Butts__ ”Whew!”

Seymore Butts__ ”That was a travel”

Seymore Butts__ “Come on guys, pull you heads out of you’re a$$e$!”

Seymore Butts__ ”Make a shot, Johnson.”

Seymore Butts__ ”Nice rebound”

You catch my drift.  Those posts would have only covered the final 19 seconds of the game.  Shut the fuck up.  Besides, why are you on Facebook while you’re watching the game anyway?  Just watch the damn game…

3. Work travel schedules – Come on, you have these people.

Oliver Closoff__ ”ORD -> LAX today.  Then LAX -> MCI tomorrow through Thursday.”

I don’t care where the hell you are working this week.  It’s not like I would need to track you down on your hotel land line or something.  If you’re wondering about my schedule this coming week, it is STL -> STL every goddamn day.

2.  How much love you have for your significant other – Yes, I know you love your wife.  You married her, duh?

Mike Hunt__ ”I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world.  She is my light and my rock.  It’s been the best 11 weeks I have ever had.  I love you, Donna!”

I tell my fiancée I love her every day…in the privacy of my own home.  I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to 386 people that I haven’t actually spoken to in four years.  Get a room.

1. Your Exercise – I am pretty sure that I don’t need to explain this to anyone.

Heywood Jablowme__ “Started out thinking I would only run 6 miles this morning, but felt so good at the 5 mile mark, just kept going.  Ended up doing 37 miles before work.  Plus tonight I am at the gym from 7:00-11:00.  Tuesdays are arms and back.  All in a day’s work…”

I hate you.   Besides, for all we know you could be lying.  What time did you finally roll into the office anyway?  Really?  9:00?  Did you start your run yesterday?  It’s a computer program.  If I didn’t have pictures on my page I could tell everyone I was 6’1” 200 lbs. too.

So here is the deal.  If you happen to be one of my Facebook “friends”, and you use any of these five items in you update, I am removing you from my “friend” list.  It’s that simple.

Oh, and don’t tell me the Royals score…

LWood Kellogg__ “Why do I bother/when you’re not the one for me/is enough enough?   Come on Zack!  Oh, of you need me I’ll be traveling to Barcelona in the morning, and Guadalhara in the afternoon.  Before that though I need to take a 20 mile run and a poop.  Oh, and I love you baby!  See you when I get done watching the game…

HP started whining about this like Chicken Little back in early May.

“The Big XII is done, and KU is going to get screwed.”

Sure it is.  Read through all the crap in the paper, and I can see why you would think that.  I mean, you have Missouri and Nebraska going to the Big 10.  That causes Texas, Tech, Oklahoma, Okie Light, aTm, and Colorado* to bolt to the Pac-10.  And once that mass exodus happens, you have KU, K-Junior, and Iowa State praying for that coveted invite from the MVC.  Hey, at least I’ll get to see KU in St. Louis every March.

*Of course, somehow the legislature of Texas threatens to secede from the Union, and in turn gets the Pac-10 to take Baylor instead of Colorado.  This forces the Buffs to become the worst team in the Mountain West instead of the worst team in the Big XII or Pac-10.

So as we all sit here on pins and needles waiting for the impeding collapse that is the Midwestern college landscape, allow me to remind you of just one little thing (and this may sting for all you Antlers out there)…

The Big 10 doesn’t want Mizzou.

It’s true.  The Big 10 wants Notre Dame, and that is it.  They want to get to twelve teams, which gives them two divisions, and a championship game in football.  They do not want to expand to 16 teams. 

I know it hurts, Tigers.  Here is basically what happened.  Let’s say that there is a really hot guy in school.  He isn’t the hottest dude in school, but he is up in the top 3-4.  We’ll call him Bryce Tennor.  He has a huge crush on Nicole Davis.  Nicole is the coolest girl in school.  She is so cool, that she doesn’t even want to date or be tied down, and just sleeps with anyone.  Bryce cannot get Nicole to notice him at all, even though he is hot.  So what does Bryce do?  That’s right; he starts flirting with everyone in sight.  Nancy, Rachel, Syrie and Vicky.  He does this merely in an attempt to get Nicole to think she had better get in the picture quickly or Bryce could be married before she even got a chance.

Then you have Missy.  Missy is not attractive.  She is poor, and has small insignificant television markets, uh, breasts.  Well, Missy hears that Bryce is courting just about anyone, and suddenly believes she has a shot.  Some of her friends even tell her she has a shot.  Missy begins to lie to everyone she knows, telling them she will be dating Bryce before you know it.  She tells herself this so much that she even begins to believe her own lie.  Truth is, Bryce is never going to get with Missy unless he is ridiculously drunk and all the other girls mentioned are busy, or have herpes.

Sad, I know.

Look, The Big 10 pays each of its members about $20 million per year.  Let’s do some math:

11 teams x $20 mil. = $220 Million.

Now, add in a Notre Dame and you have something more like this:

$220 mil. + $80 million from ND = $300 mil./12 teams = $25 million per team

Next scenario is the Big 10 adds Mizzou, Nebraska, and one of the Big East teams:

$220 mil. + $40 million combined = $260 mil./14 teams = $18.57 million per team

The Big 10 is not stupid.  Nebraska and Mizzou add very little, if any value to the league.  There is no way that the powers that be in that league will dilute the value of the franchise.  Not so they can facilitate a “border rivalry” between MU and Illinois.  Not so Nubs can play Iowa either.  No, in the end this was all just a smokescreen to finally get the Irish to play ball.  And it will probably work. 

If I was Missy, I think I might try to play nice with the semi-good looking guy who is really only seen in public with me because I put out.  That is, before he finds a better looking girl with even lower self esteem.

It’s absolutely true.  I do it all the time.  No one is immune to it.  The question is can you admit when you have made that mistake, learn from it, and better yourself.  Dayton Moore did just that last week when he realized that hiring a white guy from Japan to be your manager just because he has a cool moustache, does not a winning baseball team make.

I will now follow suit with Mr. Moore.  I too, have erred.

My last column, in which I was going to weed out candidates for the 2010 Royals MVP, was fucking stupid.  I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Deep down, I knew it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue with that for NINE MORE COLUMNS.  So I am admitting that it was a mistake, and I am cutting ties with it.  Besides, we all know that Mike Aviles is going to win anyway, and I didn’t even have him on the list.

Now that we have that out of the way, how ‘bout them Royals?!?!?!?  Thank God that D-Mo realized it was time for a change.  Of course, it was time for a change in June of 2009 but who’s counting?  I have watched all but two of the Royals games this season.  One of them I have recorded, but I know what happens (they win). So I am saving that for rainy day.  The other was last night’s disaster at Baltimore.  I missed this one to drink, and play “Name That Tune Trivia” at a bar.*

*The bar I go to has the MLB package.  It has about 12-15 TVs.  It is usually only occupied by about 30-40 people.  So why didn’t I see the game?  Because people in St. Louis are assholes (or for you Ke$ha fans: As$holes), that’s why.  God forbid the Cardinals are playing.  Every TV in the bar is being watched individually by, it seems, one guy.  The only TV not tuned to the Cardinals game is showing the NHL Conference Finals.  Of course, there’s some redneck in a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket sitting glued to that one…in May…in Missouri.  FML.

Based on my experience with the Royals over the years, and judging by what I have seen this far this season, my first (and most reasonable) inclination is to predict that the Royals will finish last in the AL Central and second to last in the American League.  Many of you would probably agree with me.  But that was before I was taking a dump at work yesterday.

Since the bank that I work for has not paid back the TARP money you lent us, we have a lot of restrictions placed on us by regulators.  These include not being able to expand our branches, limits on executive pay, etc.  We also have terrible toilet paper.  I am convinced that someone has told us we cannot have nice TP until we repay that government money.  That is the only logical conclusion I can come to as to why any company would provide this sand paper to its employees.

Did the Glass family receive any sort of bailout?  I am just wondering because they seem to trot out what appears to be a pretty substandard product as well. 

Anyway, so I was scraping my ass at work when I realized something; while it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, the horrible toilet paper actually gets the job done better in the end than the fancy stuff I have at home. It gets me clean better.  It doesn’t fall apart.  That three ply quilted stuff just seems to shred in your hand when you really are working hard, and that double roll brand absorbs about as well as wax paper.  But not the crappy work TP.  Plus, you can use as much as you like, and because it’s so thin, it cannot clog the toilet.

So what’s the point?  You don’t always get what you pay for.  Sometimes, the crappy work toilet paper comes out of nowhere and surprises you.  That’s why I think the Royals will win the AL Central.

Toilet paper…

Yes, that’s what I am clinging to.  Speaking of clinging, that dingleberry Betancourt just committed another error to give the Indians a 1-0 lead.

Pros: Sleep in, stay up late, write more columns, watch Foxnews (all day), frequent afternoon “catnaps”, all the days run together, no “Mondays”, etc.

Cons: No money, watch Foxnews (all bleeping day)*, feelings of despair and hopelessness not relating to the Chiefs or Royals, permanent butt grooves on my couch, boredom.

*Look, I love Foxnews.  However, there are a few things that really got to me over the last five or so months.  Every single commercial on Foxnews is for one of three things: Gold (you should buy gold), Car insurance (you should buy car insurance), and people who can settle your debts with credit cards or the IRS when you spend too much on car insurance and gold.  I want to open my own tax settlement company called, “You Just Have To Pay It”.  I can see the commercial now.  Open with Bellweather looking extremely concerned with bills laying all around him.  He looks in the camera and says, “I owed the IRS $36,000 in back taxes!”  Now relieved, he says, “I called Logg’s Tax Service, and I only paid $36,000!!!  Thanks Logg”.  Maybe our taxes wouldn’t be so high if everyone just paid what they were supposed to.  Just a thought.

But as of a couple of weeks ago, The Logg is employed again.  This has severely limited my writing.  Not because I haven’t been watching the Royals (I haven’t missed one excruciating game yet), but because I am tired when I get home.  I used to be able to get up around 10, surf the internet in my underwear until noon, eat a frozen pizza, bang out a column around 1 or 2, and still have time for a nap with Sheppard Smith droning on in the background.  Now, I get home, eat something, watch American Idol, catch as much of the Royals game as I can tolerate, and sleep.  Not a lot of time for writing. 

That being said, I need to do something.  As I mentioned before, I have watched all 24 of the Royals games this season.  There have been some bright spots here and there.  But for the most part, it has been a disaster.  And it got me thinking…

Do you realize that someone from this team is going to be named “Royals MVP 2010”???  It’s true.  No matter if the Royals lose 125 games this season, they will still have a first grade soccer team-esque banquet where everyone gets a participation trophy, and someone will win the MVP.  So here is what we are gonna do: cue Ryan Seacrest…

This…is ROYALS IDOL

The competition will be between all Royals position players on the active roster as of today that see regular playing time.  There is no reason to involve the pitchers here since none of them with the exception of one is worth diddly. So your top ten contestants are:

David DeJesus, Scott Podsednik, Billy Butler, Jose Guillen, Alberto Callaspo, Jason Kendall, Alex Gordon, Mitch Maier, Rick Ankiel, and Yuniesky Betancourt.  Every few days I will post a blog about the last few games, and then I will vote one off.  What the hell else do you have to do?

Episode one:

Your bottom three for the period between game one and May 1^st:

Jason Kendall – BA .288 HR 0 RBI 4 BB 8 SLG .457

Look, the Royals are getting most of what they expected from Kendall.  He’s not going to hit a bunch of homeruns or drive in a ton of runs.  He started the season on a pretty good streak hitting-wise.  But I am sick of hearing about how well he handles the staff.  What evidence do we have of that???  Have you seen the bullpen???  His inclusion in the bottom three is based mainly on his inability to get the ball out the infield over the last five games.  How many weak groundouts to the pitcher can one man hit?

Tonight he’ll be singing “Old Man” by Neil Young

Randy: Dog, check it out, check it out, check it out.  Yo, that wasn’t my favorite performance by you.  It was pitchy in parts.  You threw out Longoria last night, but honestly dude, the throw was in the dirt, yo.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.

Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter.  That being said, I love everything about you.  There, I said it.  That is, except the fact that you’re a man.

Kara: You know what I like about you, Jason?  You know who you are.  You don’t try to do too much up there, and it suits you.  Stay true to your soul, and maybe try going the other way every once in a while.  Also, I wouldn’t mind feeling your hand in my catchers mitt, if you know what I mean.

Simon: I didn’t get that at all.  It was like an elephant trying to make love to a hubcap, if you know what I mean.  All that being said, I think you’re safe for now.

Mitch Maier – BA .257 HR 0 RBI 6 BB 6 SLG .457

Mitch has filled in admirably during Rick Ankiel’s steroid binge foot injury.  But he is not a long term solution in center field.  Mitch hit a couple of triples over the last week, but at times he looks completely overmatched at the plate.  He does have good speed in the field.  So that’s a plus, I guess.

Tonight he’ll be singing “Put Me In Coach” by John Fogerty

Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, check it out, yo, check it out, dog.  Dog, that was hot.  You know I like you, right?  I am a fan of you because you’re current.  Don’t worry that you can’t hit major league breaking balls.  Stick with it, yo.  That was hot!!!

Ellen:  I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter.  That being said, I get paid a lot of money to pre-write jokes to do here.  So let me get my notes out.  Here we go.  When you are at the plate you look more scared that Obama when someone mentions the words Blagojevic and subpoena.  *pause*  Good job.

Kara: Mitch, I can feel your soul when you’re out there.  I look at you and I think, “Here’s a guy who knows who he is.”  You’re believable.  Why don’t you meet me after this, and we can see if you can smack a triple into one of my corners?

Simon: Mitch, look, it’s not working.  It was like watching a cat trying to tap dance on the moon, and wondering why he doesn’t have more oven cleaner.  Sorry…

Alex Gordon – BA .194 HR 1 RBI 1 BB 6 SLG .323

Alex is coming off an injury…again.  So I am trying to give him a little bit of slack here.  How is it that the most hyped hitting prospect the Royals have had in 2 decades cannot seem to put the bat on any breaking pitch that goes away from him?  It’s not even close.  It’s like throwing nothing but curve balls to Pedro Serrano (pre-chicken sacrifice).

Tonight he’ll be singing “Favorite Mistake” by Sheryl Crow

Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, dog.  Check it out, check it out, check it out, yo, yo, yo, dog.  Yo, when I saw you were doing that, I was like “whoa?”  And then at the beginning I was like, “whoa.”  But then I was like “whoa!”  You worked it out.  Whoa.

Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter.  That being said, I liked it.  Oh, hang on.  Uh, Alex, you go after more balls in the dirt than Pigpen’s girlfriend.  Where’s my check?

Kara: Alex, you have an aura about you.  It makes me feel all warm in my lady parts.  Stay true to who you are, and maybe we can get together after this and play the “hot corner” together.

Simon: Alex, that was completely wrong for you.  It was like a little mouse who can’t find his way to Evansville, Indiana even though he has a trash can AND a bag of Clydesdale excrement, you know?  Sorry…

Okay, the results are in.  The contestant who will be leaving us tonight is…

Mitch Maier.

Mitch, thanks for filling in, but this just isn’t the year that you’ll be named best of the worst team in baseball.  Tune in next week when our theme will be shitty baseball players who choke away games.

Good night.  Seacrest out.

In the early evening, I am usually watching normal prime time shows like American Idol.  This is because I have a wonderful fiancée that I would like to actually marry me. The last thing I need to do in this situation is subject her to the torture that is watching the Wild or the Royals.  Then when she goes to bed, I watch the game that I recorded earlier in the evening. This allows me to sit on the couch in silence as my dreams of actually having a team I like win a championship (or even make the playoffs) are dashed time and time again. 

But this routine presents a problem.  It conditions me to a schedule of staying up late every single night.  As you know, there is not a game every single night.  So, on those nights, I usually end up just watching TV.  But there is a bigger problem.  Inevitably, I find a movie on TV that is just starting at midnight or later.  These movies are the kind that I cannot turn off.  Bellweather and I touched on this in a conversation during KU’s weekend here in St. Louis for the Regional Finals (SHIT!!!!!).  He agreed that there were some movies that just cannot be turned off no matter what time it is.  Here is a complete analysis of these movies for me.  Besides, there was no Royals/Wild game last night, and I am pretty sure Bellweather covered the season opener for the Royals…

Movies that I must watch no matter what freaking time it is…

10. Fletch – I was sitting at a bar last night with a couple of friends.  My buddy Brett ordered a steak sandwich.  The only appropriate response to that order is to say, “I’ll have a bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a…steak sandwich, please.”  If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you have not seen Fletch, and you should be ashamed.  Stop reading this, go to Netflix, and queue it right now.  It may be one of the most quotable movies ever behind only nos. 4 and 1 on this list.  It is also the only “good” movie starring Chevy Chase other than no. 4.  “What kind of a name is Poon, anyway?”  “Camanche Indian.”

9. Harry Potter Movies (any after the first two) – Look, I know what you’re thinking.   I have answers to both of your questions.  1. My fiancée is a woman.  2. I am not required to register with any government agency when I move.  Bottom line is that these movies are awesome.  The effects are great, and the story line is compelling (while completely predictable).  The first two stink because they spend way too much time establishing the story line, and introducing a villain who doesn’t actually come back for a few more movies.  But the last four have been exceptional.  Get past yourself, and watch them.  You’ll be hooked. 

8. Starship Troopers – I have no idea what I am so addicted to this movie.  It is so over the top bad that you almost have to think that they made it that way intentionally.  The cast reads like a list of castoff 90210 extras…Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris…I can go on.  But the effects are awesome, the plot is cool, and you get to see Van Dien overacting the line “Come on you apes!  You wanna live forever?!?!”  Awesome. 

7. Die Hard – This goes for the original AND the “With a Vengeance” version.  You are not a real guy if you are able to switch channels during either of these movies.  John McClain is a badass.   Yippe-ki-yay… End of story.

6. Days of Thunder – NASCAR sucks.  That is, unless Maverick is racing a car for a team owned by Cousin Eddie, and managed by Vito’s Consiglieri.  And that’s exactly what we have here.  Standard 80’s Tom Cruise movie plot; Hero is awesome, has something bad happen to him, loses his confidence, has a supportive chick, and wins in the end.  Sounds remarkably similar to…

5. Top Gun – You know I love this movie.  I own it on DVD, and yet I have a version of it recorded on my DVR so that I don’t have to get up from the couch and put the DVD in.  Severely quotable, Top Gun may be the greatest action movie of all time.  There, I said it.

4. Caddyshack – THE MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE EVER.  But here is the kicker; don’t quote Caddyshack unless you know the line front and back.  I hate when people butcher Caddyshack lines.  If you say something like, “So I was caddying for the Dali Llama…” in my presence, you can expect to be corrected at a minimum, but more likely slapped silly. The scene where Ty and Danny are discussing Danny’s future may be the single greatest exchange in all of movie history. “What’s wrong with lumberyards??  I own three lumberyards.”  “I notice you don’t spend much time there.”  “I’m not sure where they are.”

3. Major League – The only instance in history where taking a movie that is full of swearing, and editing it for TV actually made the movie better.  The unintentional comedy of Dorn walking up to Vaughn in the ninth inning and saying, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you.  Strike this [GUY] out!!!” is priceless.  An evil owner puts together a roster of horrible players, hoping that they lose so badly that they have no attendance, and the team can move.  This is a story that all Royals fans should be able to relate to.  Except for the end, when they actually win.

2. Hoosiers – Do I even need to explain this one?  It’s the greatest sports movie ever made.  If you haven’t seen it, then leave this site and never return.  You know nothing about sports. 

1. A Few Good Men – This movie gets my vote for best overall movie of all time.  The story line is electric, the acting is great, and if you can’t quote at least 85% of Jessup’s “You can’t handle the truth” monologue, then I feel sorry for you.  I may or may not have used the line, “Thank you for playing ‘Should We or Should We Not Follow the Advice of the Galacticly Stupid’!” at work during a meeting.  See this movie, own this movie, don’t you dare turn this movie off…ever.

Honorable mention to PCU, Slap Shot, Armageddon, The Color of Money, Wall Street, Iron Eagle, Con Air, and Made.  If you have any that you think I missed, let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com.

So there you have it.  I should probably explore the “Major League/Royals Corollary”, but I’ll leave that for another day.  Until then, enjoy baseball, and whatever movie happens to come on after the game is over.

I blame this entirely on the three douchebags who played darts for 6 hours at the Sports Attic.  Because they were doing that, HP and I were unable to sit in our seats.  We were forced instead to sit in the less reliable section.*  It just didn’t work.  I tried to will Kansas to victory.  HP gave it his best effort.  My wonderful fiancée continued sending positive vibes via the text line to us at the Attic (and she’s a Mizzou fan, God love her).  Down 10 with 10 or so to go, we thought the tides had turned for the better.  Hall and Oates came on the speakers, and we danced. 

*If you ever make it to the Sports Attic, go to the back two tables. The one on the left is the one that HP knocked over jubilantly after Mario’s Miracle.  So we have won some games there, but we have also not exactly played our A-game at times as well.

I’ll say that again.  HP and I danced like morons to Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True”.   Feel free to click here, and enjoy while you finish this column.

We had to do something to change the momentum.  And it sort of did.  KU went on their mini-run after that.  Apparently, Hall and Oates inspires finally using a full court press to speed the game up.  But alas, it wasn’t enough.

So here I sit, on my couch with my computer.  $170 worth of St. Louis regional finals tickets on the table, Bellwether and his parents in a car somewhere between KC and Columbia, and no Jayhawks to watch.  Oh well, at least we’ll have beer.

Now, that is all I am going to say about KU until next fall.  I have gone through all the stages of grief finally settling somewhere between “Depression” and “Acceptance”, and that is where I am going to stay until the tournament is actually over.  Then and only then will I move permanently into “Depression” just in time for Royals baseball.

No, I want to talk about something else.  My most hated “Facebook Friend”. 

Louis.

I will withhold the last name, not because I think he will read this, but because the KCSP legal department has advised me to do so.*

*The KCSP legal department is located just down the hall from my office here at headquarters, and consists entirely of D-Lee watching old episodes of Ally McBeal

Louis is the worst sports fan…ever.

There, I said it.  This is the guy who for some reason is the biggest fan of the most hated teams in the world for absolutely NO REASON.  Louis was born and raised in Iowa.  He still lives there.  He will never leave there.  And here are his teams…

Yankees

Lakers

Kentucky Basketball

USC Football

And a recent addition this past season was the Saints.

How do you justify being that big of an asshole???  Look, I am not saying that you cannot like whoever you want to like…wait…yes I am!  You have to have legitimate reasons for liking your teams.  Here are the legitimate reasons in order: 

1. It’s where you were born – I was born in KC, therefore I have a right (and an obligation, quite frankly) to root for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks.
2. You lived in the town at some point, but didn’t already have an allegiance to a team in that particular sport – If and when I ever take the time to give a shit about the NBA, I root for the Indiana Pacers.  I lived in Indianapolis, and did not have a basketball team from KC.  Therefore I am allowed to grab the Pacers.  (God all my teams suck).
3. You went to the college – Here is where you get some gray areas.  I didn’t go to KU, but I am covered on them in rule #1.  I do root for Drake, but in the event that KU and Drake ever meet for a national title, I will stick with KU because they were there first.  I will also stab my testicles with sharp objects.
4. You swap allegiances because you now own season tickets – I lived in Detroit for a while.  The Red Wings became my hockey team because it was the first time I lived in a town with a hockey team per rule #2.  However, when I moved to Minnesota, and the NHL announced an expansion team for St. Paul, we bought (and still own) season tickets to the Wild.  Therefore I can claim the Wild as my team, and renounce the Wings.  However, you must renounce your former team completely.  None of this “Well, I like the Wild.  But they aren’t very good, so I will root for the Wings in the playoffs”.  It’s all or nothing.
5. You have a religious affiliation (The Notre Dame Rule) – If you are Catholic, have ever been Catholic, or have a Catholic grandfather, you can like Notre Dame.

That’s it.  Those are the rules.  So I don’t want to see status updates from Louis saying, “Kentcuky showing why it’s the shiznit.  Go Cats”.  That is an actual post from Louis last night.  I don’t want to hear it from any of you unless you can apply the above rules first. 

Don’t be a Louis. 

Who says shiznit, by the way???  That’s more dated than Hall and Oates.

Boo ya!

“Just look at the Midwest!  KU got screwed!!!

“How are we the number one overall seed, and get stuck with that bracket”

Or, if you like Whitlock’s take…

“The NCAA is a giant conspiracy that loves Duke.”

Are you serious Jason??  Did you even let your editors read what you wrote this morning???  They can’t have.  There is no way that they would have allowed you to write a piece of shit like that, which essentially accuses the NCAA of intentionally moving Duke to an “easy” bracket because they are “ratings gold”.  You honestly believe that???  Please note: Whitlock also believes that the NCAA kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, faked 9-11, and killed JFK.

Here is an estimation of the S-Curve from the NCAA.

Add the rankings of the top 4 seeds in each bracket.  Here is what you get:

West – 44

South – 39

East – 35

Midwest – 35

So what would you do to balance it out?  Switch Maryland with Vanderbilt?  You’re splitting hairs there.

Look, I understand the initial knee-jerk reaction.  The Jayhawks will play in a Midwest region with the likes of Ohio State (2), Georgetown (3), Maryland (4), Michigan State (5), and Tennessee (6).    Throw in a little Okie Light and some Northern Iowa, and yeah, you have a tough road to the final four.

But it’s supposed to be tough.  It for a national championship!

At first glance I can see where people are getting their sense of trepidation from.  But are we really afraid of these teams?  I think not.  We are afraid of the names.

Let’s look at a few things…

Assuming a first round win*, the likely next opponent is Northern Iowa.  Northern Iowa won the MVC, which while I appreciate the feat, is not exactly a power conference.  They lost to DePaul on a neutral court.  My dog can beat DePaul on a neutral court.

*I honestly believe I know people that would take their own life if KU lost that game to Lehigh.  I may or may not be one of them.

Then we likely have Maryland (who was ousted in their first game of the ACC tournament) or Michigan State (who lost to Minnesota, and suspended a starter).  What is so scary about those actual teams? 

And then here is the part that I think people are overlooking.  Of Ohio State, Oklahoma State, Tennessee, Georgia Tech, and Georgetown; KU only has to play one of them!  That’s right; they’re in the same bracket, but they (and there’s no way of getting around it) have to play each other first! 

Yes, they’re good teams, but what did you want?  That game is for a trip to the Final Four.  You’ll be down to only eight teams in the whole thing.  They are all going to be good. 

Still think I am wrong?  Prove it.  Sign up, and take KU down in the sweet 16.  I dare you.

So while I agree that this isn’t going to be a cake-walk for KU, I also don’t think it’s an impossible climb.  That is, unless the president of Lehigh decides to change the name of the school to “Blehigh”.

Then I would be worried.

***Still panicked?  Think I missed something? Let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

Did you see Manitoba just flatten Prince Edward Island?  Oh, you didn’t?  Me neither.  I was too busy immersing myself completely in college basketball hysteria.  Here is how excited I am; pretend this guy is me, and the fire is college basketball.  Get the idea?

As a KU fan, tomorrow begins my second favorite part of the season.  The Big XII tournament.  I figured that since I am the official KCSportsPodcast college basketball guru, you all would appreciate my opinion on what’s going to happen over the next four days in Kansas City.

Plus, do you really want to read anymore about the Royals?  I thought so.

So here we go with my predictions on how everyone will do starting with the worst teams, and going to the winner.

The “If they are getting rid of gift baskets, then why are we going?” Group.

Oklahoma 13-17 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can’t.  This season has been a disaster for Boomer.  This team’s fans are just waiting for football season.  That’s it.

Why they will lose:  I don’t know.  Because they aren’t very good at basketball.

Where will they finish: Lose in the first round to Oklahoma State by 20.

Nebraska 14-17 (2-14):

Why they can win: They also cannot.  The only thing they might win is the “Guy with the longest name” award.

Why they will lose: Because that same guy just looks too much like Scott Baio. 

Where they will finish: Lose in the first round to Missouri by 10.

The “Let’s piss someone’s fans off and win a game we shouldn’t” Group

Iowa State 15-16 (4-12):

Why they can win: Ask Kansas State.  They are athletic.  Craig Brackens would be all Big XII if he was surrounded with anything, and Gilstrap can play.  Plus, you gotta’ believe that they are coming in with quite a bit of confidence.

Why they will lose: Along with confidence, a game like that also gives you a lot of mental and physical fatigue

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Texas Tech 16-14 (4-12):

Why they can win: They can tie.  Check this stat out.  Texas tech scores on average 76.4 points per game.  They give up 76.4 points per game.  My guess is that they find a way to tie it.   Then they just need one point in OT to win.

Why they will lose: This team was 12-2 coming into conference play, and 4-12 since then.  They kind of a collapse doesn’t happen for no reason.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

The “How the hell were we ever ranked #1” Group

Texas 23-8 (9-7):

Why they can win: The talent is there.  People didn’t just guess that this team was good, and rank them #1.  If they can play to their potential, they can win the whole tournament.

Why the will lose: Because they won’t play to their potential.  Plus, I hate Texass. (misspelled on purpose)

Where they will finish:  Well, if you have been following along with your brackets you will notice that I think they will lose in the opening round to Iowa State by 8.

The “You should win the first game, but I would never wager on you” Group

Colorado 15-15 (6-10):

Why they can win: They just beat the Red Raiders by 11 last weekend.  Plus, Alec Burks gets to come and play in his hometown.

Why they will lose: The Buffs are on a three game winning streak.  They haven’t had a four game streak this entire season.

Where they will finish: Lose to Texas Tech in the opening round by 6

The “Teams that are complete wild cards” Group

Oklahoma State 21-9 (9-7):

Why they can win: Two words; James Anderson.  He is the only guy in the tournament with the ability to pick his team up onto his back and carry them to a title.

Why they will lose: Three words; No One Else.  That’s the problem.  If Anderson is off, who is going to pick up the slack?  It is saying something when you have the Big XII player of the year, and yet you barley finished above .500 in the league. 

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals.

The “What do you mean we have a first round bye” Group

Texas A&M 22-8 (11-5):

Why they can win: I personally believe that Turgeon should have been coach of the year.  You look at this team, and you don’t see anything real special.  But they somehow get it done.  They get good guard play from Sloan, and have a solid big man in Bryan Davis.

Why they will lose: This team has not had this kind of success in a while.  They have only had a first round bye three times ever.  Average seeding…8.3.  Too much pressure on the poor Aggies.

Where they will finish: Quarterfinals

Baylor 24-6 (11-5):

Why they can win: LaceDarius Dunn is a star.  As is LaceQuincy Acy and LaceEkpe Udoh.  This team can be LaceScary.

Why they will lose: Again, I think it comes back to experience at this point.  The highest seed Baylor has ever had was a 5, and that’s only happened twice.  Look, just be happy that Tweety Carter hasn’t killed anyone.  What??  Too soon?

Where they will finish: Semi-Finals

The “Dear God, please let this happen” Group

Missouri 22-9 (10-6)

Why they can win: They do have some experience in this tournament being that they won it last season.  The style of play is pretty good for tournament play, as it wears down the opponents.  Plus, there is no way that God would deprive me of yet a third KU beat-down of the Misery.

Why they will lose: All that being said, if the tiggers attempt to build an addition onto the Sprint Center with bricks, they could be back in CoMo before dinner on Wednesday.

Where they will finish: Semi-finals, and it’s gonna’ be the biggest defeat yet.

The “We all knew it would come down to this” Group

Kansas 29-2 (15-1)

Why they can win: because they are the best goddamn team in the whole goddamn country.  You know that.

Why they will lose: KU doesn’t have a lot going for them in this game.  They will have wrapped up the number one overall seed and a trip to St. Louis.  They don’t have anything to prove.

Where they will finish: Let the kitties finally win one, for crying out loud.

Kansas State 24-6 (11-5)

Why they can lose: See what I did there???  Anyway, K-State has some flaws.  We saw that last weekend.  I have some advice for the Cats.  Don’t name your arena if you plan on losing there pretty consistently.  I am having a real tough time backing you up right now.

Why they will win: This is the mf-ing superbowl for State.  It’s in KC, It’s against KU, and everyone is talking about the Cats falling apart against ISU.  Notice how the discussion went from “should K-State get a one seed” to “K-State will be lucky to get a three seed” just like that.  The cats are listening, and Frank Martin is getting angry.  Bellwether just peed a little when he read that.

Where they will finish: Big XII Tournament Champions*

You see what I did there Mizzou fans?  Yeah, you know.

Of course, what the hell do I know?  Scott Baio could get hot, and take the whole thing…

***What are your predictions?  Let us know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com***

I am not going to talk about KU’s atrocious defense in Stillwater. Nor am I going to talk about KU’s turnovers.   And I am not going to talk about OSU shooting 97% (or whatever it was) from the field. No, the blame for this latest KU loss* falls squarely on one person.

*I say that like there have been so many.

Sarah Palin.

You’re going to have to hang with me on this one. Okay, so everyone knows that many of our government programs stink. I actually watched about 6 hours of the “Health Care Summit” last week. Unfortunately, there was no curling on that day. What I figured out from that informative collection of ideas complete waste of time and money, is that the two parties in Washington cannot even agree what time lunch should be, should they eat in or go out, and what they would like on their pizzas, much less what they can do to fix health care.

I don’t necessarily blame that on them. They are just sticking up for their parties’ platforms. No, the real blame for that is on Barack Obama. He is the president for crying out loud. He has to be the voice of reason that pulls everyone together and says, “Hey McConnell, come on man. And Pelosi, calm down.” He has to bring the sides to the table and get something done. He has failed to do that.

Now, on top of health care, another thing that is completely broken is the education system. How is it that the high school I attended in Minnesota has enough money to build a heated dome for the football team to practice in, yet some schools hardly have enough money to turn the heat on in the classroom? The level of disparity between the haves and have-nots is wider than the space Jon Shuster had to shoot at on four or five potential game winning shots combined.

Something must be done about this. I blame Barry on this one too. For all of his blabbering on about health care reform that, basically, no one wants, he has failed to address the education system at all. Except of course to say that it is all George Bush’s fault.

That brings me to the Kingston High School Lady Cougars. Kingston is a very poor school district located in Cadet, MO. Look, here’s where it is. It’s like Deliverance out there. When there are more burnt out 1968 Chevy trucks than people, you know it’s not exactly palm springs. Shit, I think I got a meth contact high just driving through there.

Anyway, this school district is so poor that they don’t even have money to outfit their sports teams. Do you hear me? They can’t allocate money to the very things that statistically have shown to keep kids in school and off of drugs. My future sister in law coaches the softball team. They needed to raise money in order to get bats for the team. Bats for a softball team? What a novel idea! So she asked me if I would put on a charity trivia night for them on Saturday. Of course I will do that. How do you say no to that?

Now, because I was having to help out the Lady Cougars in Cadet, MO, I was not watching the KU-OSU game on Saturday afternoon. More importantly, I was not able to sit in my lucky spot on the couch, and position my remote in the exact position that it needs to be in. Nor was I able to go with HP to our lucky bar where we have only seen one KU loss EVER (Michigan State last year in the sweet 16).   When these factors were negated, of course KU lost. KU is undefeated when I am able to affect the outcome of their games in these ways. The only other time I was not able to do this…at Tennessee.

So you can see how important my position for watching games is for KU basketball success. In summation, I absolutely do not fault myself in this case. I do not fault my future sister in law or her team. I don’t fault the Kingston K-14 school district, and I do not fault the congress. I fault Barack Obama for KU now needing to beat both KSU and Mizzou to win the outright Big XII title.

“B-b-b-b-but, Logg. I thought you said it was Sarah Palin’s fault.”

Oh right. Well, if Sarah Palin had never existed, Barack would have never won the election.

Thanks a lot Sarah.

*Like it?  Don’t?  Indifferent?  Let us know.  E-mail us at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com