Most of you that have read my columns sort of understand how my sports watching schedule goes. For those of you who don’t, here is a taste. This is how it works 99.998% of the time.
In the early evening, I am usually watching normal prime time shows like American Idol. This is because I have a wonderful fiancée that I would like to actually marry me. The last thing I need to do in this situation is subject her to the torture that is watching the Wild or the Royals. Then when she goes to bed, I watch the game that I recorded earlier in the evening. This allows me to sit on the couch in silence as my dreams of actually having a team I like win a championship (or even make the playoffs) are dashed time and time again.
But this routine presents a problem. It conditions me to a schedule of staying up late every single night. As you know, there is not a game every single night. So, on those nights, I usually end up just watching TV. But there is a bigger problem. Inevitably, I find a movie on TV that is just starting at midnight or later. These movies are the kind that I cannot turn off. Bellweather and I touched on this in a conversation during KU’s weekend here in St. Louis for the Regional Finals (SHIT!!!!!). He agreed that there were some movies that just cannot be turned off no matter what time it is. Here is a complete analysis of these movies for me. Besides, there was no Royals/Wild game last night, and I am pretty sure Bellweather covered the season opener for the Royals…
Movies that I must watch no matter what freaking time it is…
10. Fletch – I was sitting at a bar last night with a couple of friends. My buddy Brett ordered a steak sandwich. The only appropriate response to that order is to say, “I’ll have a bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a…steak sandwich, please.” If you don’t know what I am talking about, then you have not seen Fletch, and you should be ashamed. Stop reading this, go to Netflix, and queue it right now. It may be one of the most quotable movies ever behind only nos. 4 and 1 on this list. It is also the only “good” movie starring Chevy Chase other than no. 4. “What kind of a name is Poon, anyway?” “Camanche Indian.”
9. Harry Potter Movies (any after the first two) – Look, I know what you’re thinking. I have answers to both of your questions. 1. My fiancée is a woman. 2. I am not required to register with any government agency when I move. Bottom line is that these movies are awesome. The effects are great, and the story line is compelling (while completely predictable). The first two stink because they spend way too much time establishing the story line, and introducing a villain who doesn’t actually come back for a few more movies. But the last four have been exceptional. Get past yourself, and watch them. You’ll be hooked.
8. Starship Troopers – I have no idea what I am so addicted to this movie. It is so over the top bad that you almost have to think that they made it that way intentionally. The cast reads like a list of castoff 90210 extras…Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris…I can go on. But the effects are awesome, the plot is cool, and you get to see Van Dien overacting the line “Come on you apes! You wanna live forever?!?!” Awesome.
7. Die Hard – This goes for the original AND the “With a Vengeance” version. You are not a real guy if you are able to switch channels during either of these movies. John McClain is a badass. Yippe-ki-yay… End of story.
6. Days of Thunder – NASCAR sucks. That is, unless Maverick is racing a car for a team owned by Cousin Eddie, and managed by Vito’s Consiglieri. And that’s exactly what we have here. Standard 80’s Tom Cruise movie plot; Hero is awesome, has something bad happen to him, loses his confidence, has a supportive chick, and wins in the end. Sounds remarkably similar to…
5. Top Gun – You know I love this movie. I own it on DVD, and yet I have a version of it recorded on my DVR so that I don’t have to get up from the couch and put the DVD in. Severely quotable, Top Gun may be the greatest action movie of all time. There, I said it.
4. Caddyshack – THE MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE EVER. But here is the kicker; don’t quote Caddyshack unless you know the line front and back. I hate when people butcher Caddyshack lines. If you say something like, “So I was caddying for the Dali Llama…” in my presence, you can expect to be corrected at a minimum, but more likely slapped silly. The scene where Ty and Danny are discussing Danny’s future may be the single greatest exchange in all of movie history. “What’s wrong with lumberyards?? I own three lumberyards.” “I notice you don’t spend much time there.” “I’m not sure where they are.”
3. Major League – The only instance in history where taking a movie that is full of swearing, and editing it for TV actually made the movie better. The unintentional comedy of Dorn walking up to Vaughn in the ninth inning and saying, “I’ve only got one thing to say to you. Strike this [GUY] out!!!” is priceless. An evil owner puts together a roster of horrible players, hoping that they lose so badly that they have no attendance, and the team can move. This is a story that all Royals fans should be able to relate to. Except for the end, when they actually win.
2. Hoosiers – Do I even need to explain this one? It’s the greatest sports movie ever made. If you haven’t seen it, then leave this site and never return. You know nothing about sports.
1. A Few Good Men – This movie gets my vote for best overall movie of all time. The story line is electric, the acting is great, and if you can’t quote at least 85% of Jessup’s “You can’t handle the truth” monologue, then I feel sorry for you. I may or may not have used the line, “Thank you for playing ‘Should We or Should We Not Follow the Advice of the Galacticly Stupid’!” at work during a meeting. See this movie, own this movie, don’t you dare turn this movie off…ever.
Honorable mention to PCU, Slap Shot, Armageddon, The Color of Money, Wall Street, Iron Eagle, Con Air, and Made. If you have any that you think I missed, let me know at lwood@kcsportspodcast.com.
So there you have it. I should probably explore the “Major League/Royals Corollary”, but I’ll leave that for another day. Until then, enjoy baseball, and whatever movie happens to come on after the game is over.
April 7th, 2010 at 2:36pm
Iron Eagle is only an honorable mention??
I thought I knew you, Logg…
April 7th, 2010 at 3:40pm
Unfortunately, I thought of Iron Eagle once I had written all of this. There may have to be a revision at some point…