I know you have been anxiously waiting. I know this. I have been waiting too. I just didn’t know what to do after the Jayhawks got Pantherized last Saturday. I promise I won’t dwell on this.
I blame this entirely on the three douchebags who played darts for 6 hours at the Sports Attic. Because they were doing that, HP and I were unable to sit in our seats. We were forced instead to sit in the less reliable section.* It just didn’t work. I tried to will Kansas to victory. HP gave it his best effort. My wonderful fiancée continued sending positive vibes via the text line to us at the Attic (and she’s a Mizzou fan, God love her). Down 10 with 10 or so to go, we thought the tides had turned for the better. Hall and Oates came on the speakers, and we danced.
*If you ever make it to the Sports Attic, go to the back two tables. The one on the left is the one that HP knocked over jubilantly after Mario’s Miracle. So we have won some games there, but we have also not exactly played our A-game at times as well.
I’ll say that again. HP and I danced like morons to Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True”. Feel free to click here, and enjoy while you finish this column.
We had to do something to change the momentum. And it sort of did. KU went on their mini-run after that. Apparently, Hall and Oates inspires finally using a full court press to speed the game up. But alas, it wasn’t enough.
So here I sit, on my couch with my computer. $170 worth of St. Louis regional finals tickets on the table, Bellwether and his parents in a car somewhere between KC and Columbia, and no Jayhawks to watch. Oh well, at least we’ll have beer.
Now, that is all I am going to say about KU until next fall. I have gone through all the stages of grief finally settling somewhere between “Depression” and “Acceptance”, and that is where I am going to stay until the tournament is actually over. Then and only then will I move permanently into “Depression” just in time for Royals baseball.
No, I want to talk about something else. My most hated “Facebook Friend”.
Louis.
I will withhold the last name, not because I think he will read this, but because the KCSP legal department has advised me to do so.*
*The KCSP legal department is located just down the hall from my office here at headquarters, and consists entirely of D-Lee watching old episodes of Ally McBeal
Louis is the worst sports fan…ever.
There, I said it. This is the guy who for some reason is the biggest fan of the most hated teams in the world for absolutely NO REASON. Louis was born and raised in Iowa. He still lives there. He will never leave there. And here are his teams…
Yankees
Lakers
Kentucky Basketball
USC Football
And a recent addition this past season was the Saints.
How do you justify being that big of an asshole??? Look, I am not saying that you cannot like whoever you want to like…wait…yes I am! You have to have legitimate reasons for liking your teams. Here are the legitimate reasons in order:
- It’s where you were born – I was born in KC, therefore I have a right (and an obligation, quite frankly) to root for the Royals, Chiefs, and Jayhawks.
- You lived in the town at some point, but didn’t already have an allegiance to a team in that particular sport – If and when I ever take the time to give a shit about the NBA, I root for the Indiana Pacers. I lived in Indianapolis, and did not have a basketball team from KC. Therefore I am allowed to grab the Pacers. (God all my teams suck).
- You went to the college – Here is where you get some gray areas. I didn’t go to KU, but I am covered on them in rule #1. I do root for Drake, but in the event that KU and Drake ever meet for a national title, I will stick with KU because they were there first. I will also stab my testicles with sharp objects.
- You swap allegiances because you now own season tickets – I lived in Detroit for a while. The Red Wings became my hockey team because it was the first time I lived in a town with a hockey team per rule #2. However, when I moved to Minnesota, and the NHL announced an expansion team for St. Paul, we bought (and still own) season tickets to the Wild. Therefore I can claim the Wild as my team, and renounce the Wings. However, you must renounce your former team completely. None of this “Well, I like the Wild. But they aren’t very good, so I will root for the Wings in the playoffs”. It’s all or nothing.
- You have a religious affiliation (The Notre Dame Rule) – If you are Catholic, have ever been Catholic, or have a Catholic grandfather, you can like Notre Dame.
That’s it. Those are the rules. So I don’t want to see status updates from Louis saying, “Kentcuky showing why it’s the shiznit. Go Cats”. That is an actual post from Louis last night. I don’t want to hear it from any of you unless you can apply the above rules first.
Don’t be a Louis.
Who says shiznit, by the way??? That’s more dated than Hall and Oates.