I want to apologize to all of my fans (yeah, both of you). I know that you have come to expect a level of commitment from me when it comes to posting my columns. Allow me to explain. You see, I lost my job back in November. I decided not to air all of that here because, frankly, none of you really care. There are pros and cons to being unemployed for an extended period of time.
Pros: Sleep in, stay up late, write more columns, watch Foxnews (all day), frequent afternoon “catnaps”, all the days run together, no “Mondays”, etc.
Cons: No money, watch Foxnews (all bleeping day)*, feelings of despair and hopelessness not relating to the Chiefs or Royals, permanent butt grooves on my couch, boredom.
*Look, I love Foxnews. However, there are a few things that really got to me over the last five or so months. Every single commercial on Foxnews is for one of three things: Gold (you should buy gold), Car insurance (you should buy car insurance), and people who can settle your debts with credit cards or the IRS when you spend too much on car insurance and gold. I want to open my own tax settlement company called, “You Just Have To Pay It”. I can see the commercial now. Open with Bellweather looking extremely concerned with bills laying all around him. He looks in the camera and says, “I owed the IRS $36,000 in back taxes!” Now relieved, he says, “I called Logg’s Tax Service, and I only paid $36,000!!! Thanks Logg”. Maybe our taxes wouldn’t be so high if everyone just paid what they were supposed to. Just a thought.
But as of a couple of weeks ago, The Logg is employed again. This has severely limited my writing. Not because I haven’t been watching the Royals (I haven’t missed one excruciating game yet), but because I am tired when I get home. I used to be able to get up around 10, surf the internet in my underwear until noon, eat a frozen pizza, bang out a column around 1 or 2, and still have time for a nap with Sheppard Smith droning on in the background. Now, I get home, eat something, watch American Idol, catch as much of the Royals game as I can tolerate, and sleep. Not a lot of time for writing.
That being said, I need to do something. As I mentioned before, I have watched all 24 of the Royals games this season. There have been some bright spots here and there. But for the most part, it has been a disaster. And it got me thinking…
Do you realize that someone from this team is going to be named “Royals MVP 2010”??? It’s true. No matter if the Royals lose 125 games this season, they will still have a first grade soccer team-esque banquet where everyone gets a participation trophy, and someone will win the MVP. So here is what we are gonna do: cue Ryan Seacrest…
This…is ROYALS IDOL
The competition will be between all Royals position players on the active roster as of today that see regular playing time. There is no reason to involve the pitchers here since none of them with the exception of one is worth diddly. So your top ten contestants are:
David DeJesus, Scott Podsednik, Billy Butler, Jose Guillen, Alberto Callaspo, Jason Kendall, Alex Gordon, Mitch Maier, Rick Ankiel, and Yuniesky Betancourt. Every few days I will post a blog about the last few games, and then I will vote one off. What the hell else do you have to do?
Episode one:
Your bottom three for the period between game one and May 1st:
Jason Kendall – BA .288 HR 0 RBI 4 BB 8 SLG .457
Look, the Royals are getting most of what they expected from Kendall. He’s not going to hit a bunch of homeruns or drive in a ton of runs. He started the season on a pretty good streak hitting-wise. But I am sick of hearing about how well he handles the staff. What evidence do we have of that??? Have you seen the bullpen??? His inclusion in the bottom three is based mainly on his inability to get the ball out the infield over the last five games. How many weak groundouts to the pitcher can one man hit?
Tonight he’ll be singing “Old Man” by Neil Young
Randy: Dog, check it out, check it out, check it out. Yo, that wasn’t my favorite performance by you. It was pitchy in parts. You threw out Longoria last night, but honestly dude, the throw was in the dirt, yo. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I love everything about you. There, I said it. That is, except the fact that you’re a man.
Kara: You know what I like about you, Jason? You know who you are. You don’t try to do too much up there, and it suits you. Stay true to your soul, and maybe try going the other way every once in a while. Also, I wouldn’t mind feeling your hand in my catchers mitt, if you know what I mean.
Simon: I didn’t get that at all. It was like an elephant trying to make love to a hubcap, if you know what I mean. All that being said, I think you’re safe for now.
Mitch Maier – BA .257 HR 0 RBI 6 BB 6 SLG .457
Mitch has filled in admirably during Rick Ankiel’s steroid binge foot injury. But he is not a long term solution in center field. Mitch hit a couple of triples over the last week, but at times he looks completely overmatched at the plate. He does have good speed in the field. So that’s a plus, I guess.
Tonight he’ll be singing “Put Me In Coach” by John Fogerty
Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, check it out, yo, check it out, dog. Dog, that was hot. You know I like you, right? I am a fan of you because you’re current. Don’t worry that you can’t hit major league breaking balls. Stick with it, yo. That was hot!!!
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I get paid a lot of money to pre-write jokes to do here. So let me get my notes out. Here we go. When you are at the plate you look more scared that Obama when someone mentions the words Blagojevic and subpoena. *pause* Good job.
Kara: Mitch, I can feel your soul when you’re out there. I look at you and I think, “Here’s a guy who knows who he is.” You’re believable. Why don’t you meet me after this, and we can see if you can smack a triple into one of my corners?
Simon: Mitch, look, it’s not working. It was like watching a cat trying to tap dance on the moon, and wondering why he doesn’t have more oven cleaner. Sorry…
Alex Gordon – BA .194 HR 1 RBI 1 BB 6 SLG .323
Alex is coming off an injury…again. So I am trying to give him a little bit of slack here. How is it that the most hyped hitting prospect the Royals have had in 2 decades cannot seem to put the bat on any breaking pitch that goes away from him? It’s not even close. It’s like throwing nothing but curve balls to Pedro Serrano (pre-chicken sacrifice).
Tonight he’ll be singing “Favorite Mistake” by Sheryl Crow
Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, dog. Check it out, check it out, check it out, yo, yo, yo, dog. Yo, when I saw you were doing that, I was like “whoa?” And then at the beginning I was like, “whoa.” But then I was like “whoa!” You worked it out. Whoa.
Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter. That being said, I liked it. Oh, hang on. Uh, Alex, you go after more balls in the dirt than Pigpen’s girlfriend. Where’s my check?
Kara: Alex, you have an aura about you. It makes me feel all warm in my lady parts. Stay true to who you are, and maybe we can get together after this and play the “hot corner” together.
Simon: Alex, that was completely wrong for you. It was like a little mouse who can’t find his way to Evansville, Indiana even though he has a trash can AND a bag of Clydesdale excrement, you know? Sorry…
Okay, the results are in. The contestant who will be leaving us tonight is…
Mitch Maier.
Mitch, thanks for filling in, but this just isn’t the year that you’ll be named best of the worst team in baseball. Tune in next week when our theme will be shitty baseball players who choke away games.
Good night. Seacrest out.