It’s 11:00pm in the Midwest, I have finally started watching the second half of the Royals-Angels double header (sorry, but at this point, when I have to make a “prime time” television decision, I choose Big Brother and the premier of Hell’s Kitchen), and I am paying bills.   I like paying bills because, well, I am a banker by trade.    I like numbers.  It’s what I am good at.  I am not good at tracking baseballs hit directly at me with a broken bat, and neither is Alberto Callaspo based on what I saw in the 1^st inning.    So, as I am paying my punch in the gut cable bill, I was wondering just one thing…

Based on the purchase price of the MLB Extra Innings package, what am I really getting for my* hard earned money.  I mean, we all know the product stinks in Seattle, uh, KC.  I haven’t watched a single other team’s game because, well, who cares?  I don’t do fantasy baseball because I would get fired for devoting as much time as it takes to win, and no one would pay my cable bill (or maybe Barack’s got this round).  Or I would lose, and I don’t want to do that.

*It may be your money.  My employer received about $7 billion in TARP funds from you to stay afloat, and I have no idea what we are doing with it because we are not lending it.  I should form my own bank holding company.  Then I could get TARP funds.  I would merely explain to the treasury that I squandered all of my money on watching Royals baseball and drinking Three Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s.

No, I am truly struggling with this cost benefit analysis.  So let’s do the math, shall we?

So the MLB package cost me $170.00 back in April.  The cable company was nice enough to bill me over 4 months for this.  They were also nice enough to charge me $1.99 to “add a service”.  Awesome on both counts.  Since the Royals have won a whopping 37 games this season; I have paid $4.90 per win.  Yes, I am forfeiting a pack of cigarettes to see each of the Royals’ wins.*

*No I am not.  I am still smoking.  I just stopped paying for my dog’s heartworm medication.  Let’s hope watching John Buck stroke a double to left center will prevent deadly parasites.  It can’t hurt.

Now, obviously, the Royals will win another game.  In fact, they are on pace to win 65 of them.  That means that, come the end of the season, I will have paid $2.62 per win.  That’s better.  It’s only a draught beer at happy hour per game.  But based on what I have seen, I am not really willing to pay more than $1 per win.  What to do?

But I just noticed something interesting.  It seems that the MLB is offering the second half of the MLB package for $130.  Well, that means (and frankly I agree) that the first half of the season should have only cost me $40.  Where is the Royals rebate??  I don’t want to watch 70 more games of Yuniesky Betancourt, Bruce Chen, or Ryan Freel.  I don’t want any more Sydney Ponson, Kyle Farnsworth, or Jamon Cruzahay (that’s my hybrid term for Wright, Cruz, and Mahay).  I have to get this cost down.  So, if MLB granted me my wish, and mailed me a check for the extra $130 that I don’t really want to spend, can I get this down to under a buck per win???  Nope, at $40 for up to this point, I still paid $1.08 per win.  Crap.

I got it.  I can achieve my fiscal goals by merely getting three favors from three different entities.

1. Major League Baseball mails me a check for $130, and
2. Barack Obama agrees to federally subsidize my overpayment per Royals win of $2.96 ($.08 per game), and
3. The Royals win three more games this season

Is it sad that #2 is the most realistic?  Now, where did I put my smokes?

Last 5 posts by L. Wood Kellogg

• LWood is... Bitching Again
• The Big Status Quo Conference
• TARP, TP, and the Royals
• And Then There Were None
• Why Am I Still Awake At 3:13am?