Time to once again channel my inner Bill Simmons and do a Live Blog, except this time, I’m on the Sports Guy’s turf and taking on the NBA Draft. It’s sure to be a fun night full of unsubstantiated rumors, unfulfilled trades, and under-talented 6’ 9” European white-guys. It’s safe to say that within the next hour, we’ll have seen at least three guys drafted that I’ve never heard of, and we’ll see Jay Bilas’ hairline move back another three inches. Boom…roasted. Get used to it. That’s what you get when you hang out with me…I show you the funny.
We’re watching the Draft tonight over at my buddy Tripper’s house with his wife Emily and our buddy Adam. Tripper and Emily are die-hard T-Wolves fans, and as such know about 300x more about the NBA than I can ever hope to. If you’re looking to liven up a room on what’s supposed to be the most shallow draft class in a decade, watch it with Wolves fans when they have four first-round picks.
Here’s some early odds on the draft:
The first “RIP Michael Jackson” message of the night:
3:1 – Shaq-ron, Ohio
9:1 – Stu Scott’s glass eye
300:1 – Tyler Hansborough via moonwalk
Over/Under
2.5 – Trades involving Wally Szczerbiak
9.5 – Times The Pistol rolls over in his grave due to Ricky Rubio comparisons
22 – Times Jay Bilas references a player’s “great tools” (Take the over)
We’re waist-deep in pre-game analysis, here, and we already have two trade rumors, an interview with Taylor Griffin, and oh look!! They’re getting Draft reaction from a youngster who’s attending his first draft, and his parents have dressed him up in a little suit (awwww)…oh, wait…that’s just Steph Curry.
Speaking of Taylor Griffin, he was drafted last week by the Harlem Globtrotters (who have had more draft success than the Clips over the past 20 years). I also learned during the USA/Spain footy match yesterday that Tim Howard, the goalkeeper for the Yanks, was also drafted by Harlem. Don’t know if that’s such a good thing, as he is…you know, a soccer player, but what really impressed me watching the match was the soccer vernacular that the funny bald Irishman uses. Yes, Tommy Smyth, that tackle was brilliant. One wonders how he would analyze the draft…hmmm…
Ready to get dunked on by Patrick Chewing?? GET AT ME, DRAFT!!
6:34 – Tripper just got a Tweet from Blake Griffin that he’s getting drafted by the Clippers. David Stern has already been booed by the Knicks fans for congratulating the Lakers on their NBA Championship. Just wait until he announces Steph Curry to the Wolves. I hope that suit is dart-proof.
6:41 – Griffin picked. Congrats to the knee surgeon who’ll be putting that thing back together in 7 months. My inner Tommy Smyth (ITS) thinks that’s a brilliant strike.
6:43 – Tripper’s getting nervous now that Memphis is on the clock, as they have been long-rumored trade partners with the Wolves. We’re adding 1.5 as an Over/Under for the number of chairs tossed across the room due to failed Wolve’s draft moves. It would be 4.5, but keep in mind, Kevin McHale isn’t their GM or coach any more.
6:45 – Two people have given the Clippers a “D” for a grade on their #1 pick on ESPN’s draft poll. Also, it looks as if Blake Griffin’s mom’s hair is mourning the passing of Farah Fawcett.
6:46 – Thabeet goes to Memphis. Defensive Potential to the max (thanks, Bilas). His name, in Tanzanian, means “Destroyer of Evil.” Good thing it’s not “Destroyer of Elvis.” (Because he’s going to Memphis…home of Graceland…c’mon, it wasn’t that bad a joke, was it??)
6:49 – Know any good Discothèques in Oklahoma City?? Get ready for the Rubio Express!! Thunder’s on the clock…
6:51 – First surprise of the night as James Harden is going to OKC. Stu Scott digs his bow tie. Emily does not. I think the bow tie was the reason he was picked.
6:56 – Tyreke Evans is going to Sac-town. Tripper doesn’t like it, as he was hoping for him to go to the Wolves. ITS: Wicked pisser!
6:59 – Purple is apparently the “in” color for this year’s draft; all of the players so far have been wearing purple ties, as Emily has pointed out. This is the reason you come here for your draft analysis.
7:01 – Quote Stu Scott: “Timberwolves are on the clock. Many of you might be like, ‘wait…I thought the Wizards were on the clock.’” I think the only people who thought that were the two who gave the Clips a “D” on their first pick.
7:03 – We’re eagerly awaiting a “Ru-Ru-Rubio” reference from Stu. Oops…I think I just confused Stu Scott with Chris Berman.
7:05 – Emily re: #5 pick: “He’s so CUTE!!” Knicks fans re: #5 pick: USA!! USA!! Adam has decided to reenact Rubio’s post-pick interview in a Michael Jackson voice. Don’t know if that’s more objectionable to Rubio or MJ…but I know who his next comment is targeted at: “Don’t Europeans play with a woman’s sized ball??”
7:11 – HUGE ovation from Knicks fans as the Wolves DON’T select Steph Curry. They take Jonny Flynn instead. Emily doesn’t like the fact that, according to Stan VanGundy, “He turns the ball over too much.” I think it’s a good move because the Wolves need a point guard…wait. ITS: That’s a cheeky go, there
7:14 – Tripper’s convinced Flynn is going to be packaged and shipped: “There’s NO way…there’s no WAY…there’s no FUCKING way.” He was talking about Flynn playing a game for the Wolves, not my insinuation that Jonny Flynn and Jhonny Peralta are related by first name.
7:15 – Ric Bucher says that Rubio and Flynn will play together, and Flynn will not be packaged in a trade. We get the first “KAAAAAHN!!” of the night from Tripper
7:16 – Don’t know if Knick fans are booing because the Golden State Warriors selected Curry, or if it’s because they didn’t know the franchise even existed.
7:25 – DeMar DeRozan is picked by the Toronto Raptors. A team in Canada?? The Knicks fans would be even more confused to know that there’s actually a team in Canada. You know…if they hadn’t already left the building.
7:32 – Brandon Jennings is going to Milwaukee. He’s the youngster that went to Italy instead of Arizona to play ball after high school last year. Fran Fraschilla likes him, and if you can trust a man named Fran, then really, who can you trust??
7:36 – No trades yet, and I don’t know anybody left in the draft…we might be wrapping this up earlier than I thought. ITS: A poor mark at the top of the box, there
7:40 – The Nets take Terrance Williams. Yawn…there’s Rick Pitino. If you had to guess a month ago that somebody that you’d heard of would disappear for a week, and it would turn out he was really in Buenos Aires visiting his Argentinean mistress, you would have guessed Rick Pitino, right??
7:44 – Discussion on who’s more annoying, Tyler Hansborough, or the Progressive Insurance Girl. Safe to say Jay Bilas probably thinks she’s got “tools.”
7:46 – Gerald Henderson to the Charlotte Bobcats. Wait…the Charlotte Bobcats?? Now you’re just making teams up…
7:49 – Awkward white Tyler Hansborough is picked by awkward white Larry Bird for the Pacers. That’s where the comparisons end. Hansborough reacts by closing his mouth for the first time in two years. Now if we can just get him to work on that blinking thing.
7:55 – Earl Clark taken by the Suns. Whatever. David Stern announces that Brandon Jennings has just shown up, and introduces him to the stage. Nice purple tie, Brandon…way to be original. ITS: A clever in-swinger right here
8:02 – Pistons pick a guy from Gonzaga, who’s in attendance. I would have thought that would be a risk, but I guess these people know more than I do…like who the hell this guy from Gonzaga is. Adam’s take: “Detroit…what a shit-hole.” Good to have you here, buddy.
8:05 – Dick Vitale takes his screen time to jock Tyler Hansborough and Steph Curry. That’s a bigger surprise than the Knicks doing something stupid.
8:08 – My Bulls take James Johnson from Wake Forest. Tripper: “Hey, when you can take a two-time Third Team All ACC player, you do it.” Indeed.
8:12 – Jrue Holliday to the Sixers. Emily: “Oooh, he’s got a nice tie!!” She said that because his tie is yellow, and not purple. Yes, we’ve reached that point in the night.
8:15 – Wolves are back on the clock. Tripper desperately wants Ty Lawson. To be honest with you, I had to hit Ctrl+F in order to make sure he hadn’t already been picked.
8:17 – Tripper is ecstatic…not by the pick, but by the fact that the Wolves have taken three PG’s so far. Stu Scott just wrote a joke for me: “We’ll they’ll sure pass it a lot!!” ZING!!
8:18 – Lawson is dealt to the Nuggets, which isn’t such a surprise. Tripp’s still upset, but not as upset as I am at the fact that I can’t find the “Jacko on His Backo” SNL sketch anywhere online.
8:21 – Another Wake Forest Forester (they’re the Foresters, right??) is taken, this time by the Atlanta Hawks. Hawks fans everywhere are…I don’t know…watching something else right now. ITS: The fans need to take up for the club, here
8:22 – We get another “KAAAAAHN!!!!” from Tripper. Really the possibility of Shaq singing PYT during his segment is the only thing keeping me going at this point.
8:26 – I just missed the last pick due to fact that I was jamming out hardcore to PYT. Actually, I’m surprised that Stu hasn’t used that phrase (jamming out hardcore) to describe a draftee yet.
8:30 – Darren Collison to the Hornets. Tripper’s sent me on a task to find out if it’s really true that John Elway is the one who put Stu Scott’s eye out.
8:35 – Here’s your answer: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/51460-the-official-answer-to-why-stuart-scotts-eye-is-jacked-up
8:42 – Some Spanish dude named Clavert is picked by the Trail Blazers. Clavert says: “Atasc hacia fuera incondicional a PYT ahora”
8:45 – Shaq delivers!! Condolences to the Jackson family!! YES!!
8:47 – Lisa Salters actually says to Shaq: “You’re going to a team in Cleveland that already has a center in Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Have you talked to them about what your role will be??”
Three options as to Shaq’s reaction:
1.) Play the “I’m fucking Shaquille O’Neal, how the hell are they going to use me?!?!” card
2.) Play the “Well I did come off the bench to the great Stanley Roberts at LSU, so I’ve done it before” card
3.) Blow up Lisa Salter’s head using his Telepathic Shaq-Lazer
ITS: Lisa Salters is a peachy Slag
8:51 – Omri Casspi, of the Israeli National Team is taken by the Kings. Israeli fans in NYC love it! Funny, he doesn’t look Druish…
9:00 – Taj Gibson to the Bulls. His signing bonus will be delivered to him via Tim Floyd’s suit jacket.
Aaaaaaaaaand…I’m spent. A night of dudes I’ve never heard of, pissed off Wolves fans, and learning, via Bablefish, how to say “jamming out hardcore” in espanol.
Good night, one love…I know which way to run: