Hell, it’s probably true. I don’t remember a thing after Alan gave us all Jaeger shots on the Caesar’s Palace rooftop.
Here is a list of things that I will not be talking about in this post:
1.) How weird it is that we’ve come to this place after a simple one-car accident.
2.) Were Tiger Woods’ facial lacerations due to said car accident, or a physical altercation??
3.) What will the effect of this scandal be on his endorsement deals??
4.) My insight into the evolution of the market economy of the Southern Colonies.
And here’s why…because none of it is relevant to the discussion of Tiger Woods’ indiscretions. Really. None of it. You can say, “Oh he’s such a family man…how could he do this!!” or, “His wife is so hot!! What a dumbass!!” or, “Really?? Tool Academy chick??”* But all you’re really doing is giving your observations on a train wreck, and really, the only salient observation on a train wreck is, “HOLY SHIT!! Look at that fucking train!!”
* Here’s one thing I don’t get. Now, I’m not a fan of the Tool Academy. I don’t watch it with any regularity, and really have no desire to. I’ve only seen bits and pieces, and here’s what I gather: the guys are even douchier than their appearance (which is mighty hard to believe, but it’s true), and have been going around, getting wasted, getting in fights, and trying (and succeeding) to get into the panties of underage girls. These revelations are much to the chagrin of their girlfriends, who are on the show to get their men to stop diddling around on them. There are even relationship counselors who help them build healthier relationships.
Again, I don’t watch the show, but wasn’t Jamiee Grubbs one of the girlfriends on the show?? And aren’t the girlfriends supposed to be the sympathetic figures to the rampant douchebaggery of their better halves?? And SHE’S the one banging Tiger Woods for the better part of three years?!?! YOU OPPORTUNISTIC JEZEBEL!! I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN REALITY TELEVISION!!!
Here’s the reason none of it matters: Tiger Woods is not human. Not in the sense that you might think he is. These professional athletes operate on a different plane than 99% of the population. You know it and I know it. In reality, I would have been more surprised to learn that he wasn’t getting his share of road beef.
All anybody is talking about these days is how his behavior runs counter to his squeaky-clean image, but that’s all it is, an image. If it was reality, we wouldn’t call it an image.
Consequently, I cannot be the least bit surprised in the revelations of Tiger stickin’ his Woods in Grubbs’ Salad, Kalika Vision, or Pilsner Uchitel.*
* I swear, I think Jason Whitlock beamed that last sentence into my brain…
Now let me be clear: I am not defending his actions. Not at all. He’s got a wife, and children to worry about, and blah, blah. But, again, HE’S NOT ONE OF US. Professional athletes exist on a different plane than everybody else. And, guess what?? So do their families. They grow up with more privilege and opportunity than any of us can imagine. The media scrutiny for them will be more than the majority of us as a consequence, but that’s the life of the child and wife of a superstar, and there’s nothing that can be done about that, no matter how many yachts named “Privacy” you buy.
I know a girl (which is to say that a friend of a friend works with her) that went to Florida when she was in college, went to a club, was spotted, sat in the VIP, and in the morning, woke up next to a very naked and very well-hung Michael Jordan. This is the alleged story, and whether true or not, is entirely believable. This was, of course, when MJ was still married, and well before he started running a franchise into the ground or banging this chick. The most implausible part of the story?? That she didn’t get double-teamed by him and Charles Oakley.
Point is, I can’t get all up in arms about how this goes against Woods’ squeaky-clean image, because that shit’s manufactured, and I can’t get all up in arms about how this will effect his endorsements and his golf game, because this shit won’t.
We were all shocked when Steve McNair’s Becky took him to the grave with her, and yet, despite Tiger being as unfaithful, I have heard not one person bring that up. In other words, this will all blow over when Michael Phelps bangs a tranny hooker (or becomes one), when Ron Artest kills these puppies (It’s gonna happen), or when this happens again. Until then, Tiger Woods is totally fucked…and yet, all is still right with the world…