Quick Disclaimer:
What you are about to read is horrible. Never try to live blog an event by yourself, especially if you’re sober. There’s nobody to run jokes off of, and being actually cognizant of the wretchedness you are witnessing makes you question your own mortality. Before I went to sleep last night, I quickly read over what I had written, and decided that it needed some time to marinate…it didn’t help. Still, since I wasted the time and man-hours, it’s (vaguely) about sports, and my Tom Watson take is in there (ditto Poz, BTW), I’ve decided to post it anyway. Prepare to wish for the next twenty minutes of your life back:
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I’m watching and blogging alone tonight. I couldn’t find a single person who wanted to take on the task of watching what will undoubtedly be the most mind-numbing event in sports more commonly known as the ESPY awards. Every year, athletes who want to be celebrities and celebrities who want to be sports stars share the stage and try to out-duel each other in gross absurdity, meaningless awards, and shitty comedy bits. Sounds like fun, dudn’t-it?!?!
Samuel L. Jackson is the emcee for tonight’s festivities, and joins an illustrious list of ESPY hosts that also includes Matthew Perry and Tony Danza…seriously. But this isn’t his first time putting on the host pants…oh, no. SLJ has been an ESPY host twice before, and has also hosted the Spike TV VGA Awards, the IFP Independent Spirit Awards, the MTV Movie Awards.
Analogy time. SLJ : Shitty Cable Awards Shows :: Christopher Walken : Saturday Night Live. That’s probably a bad analogy. Christopher Walken is actually funny.
The show is scheduled to start at 8:00, but we have to wait until the end of the Mets/Braves baseball game before we get there. They keep hyping the awards during the breaks by showing a commercial that includes clips from the show (it was taped on Wednesday). It’s pretty much what you’d expect: SLJ on stage, shots of athletes in the audience laughing, shots of celebrities presenting awards (Marissa Miller = reason alone to watch), etc. etc.
Now, it took me until about the fifth time watching said commercial before I realized something. One of the celebrities shown opening an envelope and saying “The ESPY goes to…” is Stevie Wonder. 1.) What in the hell does Stevie Wonder have to do with sports, (besides playing tennis with Joe Piscopo) and 2.) He’s STEVIE WONDER!! Last I checked, Stevie Wonder was BLIND!! Was this something the producers of the show just didn’t realize until the last minute?? Is this some sort of cruel trick used to get a laugh?? Is the award winner written in brail?? Maybe this was the idea in putting that in the commercial. I am actually intrigued about this.
Here’s some quick Over/Under for tonight:
12.5 – Shots of Kobe in the audience
12.5 – Shots of Michael Phelps in the audience
0 – Shots of Lou Diamond Phillips in the audience
Put your Kangol hat on backwards…IT’S ESPY TIME!!!
8:00 – Under Armor and Land Rover are your sponsors tonight. They go together like Lamb and Tuna Fish.
8:02 – We start the night with a clip montage of significant sporting events from the past year. Strangely there are no WNBA highlights.
8:04 – In Memoriam right off the bat. For a minute there, I thought they were saving the WNBA clips for this montage…no such luck
8:07 – SLJ says “what the fan gets what the fan wants” and then makes a joke by insinuating that the fan wanted to see a SLJ movie montage. Wait, I didn’t realize that was an option. I would much rather do that than watch the ESPYs. How about we just show Dave Chapelle impersonating SLJ?? Even better.
8:08 – “Michael Phelps is better in the water, when the only thing he has to worry about smoking is his competition” DING! That’s the sound of the Michael Phelps Bong Joke Counter going up by one.
8:10 – SLJ makes a hockey joke, and they show Rob Lowe in the audience laughing…maybe my Lou Diamond Phillips blast wasn’t that far off…
8:16 – Big surprise as Michael Phelps wins Best Championship Performance. Sadly, the Michael Phelps Bong Joke Counter stays at 1
8:17 – As they go to commercial, ESPN is showing backstage footage, or as I like to call it, The Side Boob Hour starring Miranda Kerr.
8:23 – The hilarity of the Twitter gag is obviously not lost on ESPN as they use the comedic device to make “Wade Phillips likes pie” jokes. Now, that’s one cow that’ll never run out of milk.
8:27 – Best Upset nominees. Great category that includes the US Soccer Team and the Tampa Bay Rays, two teams that didn’t actually win their final games.
8:32 – This “Sam Jackson as a sportscaster from the 80’s” sketch is about what you’d expect it to be, and is actually pretty damn funny. Re: Ben Johnson: “How you gonna kick a brotha outta a place called Seoul??” Indeed.
8:35 – Breakthrough Athlete Award goes to Matt Ryan. If anybody tuned into the telecast while he was giving his speech, they would have immediately asked, “Who the hell is this guy??” He has the personality of a cardboard box…which is exactly what you want in a “breakthrough” athlete, right??
8:41 – Best Game nominee montage. I think the best game is the game I just invented which is the “Drink Every Time a C List Celebrity Starring in an NBC Sitcom Makes a T.O. Joke” Game. We’re all winners of that game tonight.
8:47 – They have at the ESPYs about 15 categories that aren’t televised, but it seems like they are just making up categories just to give people awards, which makes me think the following happened during a production meeting: “Shit…Tim Tebow doesn’t have an award yet…how about a Most Insufferable Athlete Category??”
8:50 – SLJ joins Wyclef Jean on stage to sing the blues, and nobody knows why: “Smoke the competition like Mike Phelps, I’m behind you Aquaman.” DING! Michael Phelps Bong Joke Counter: 2
8:53 – I wonder who would win in a “Who can keep their mouth open for the longest amount of time” contest between Michael Phelps and Tyler Hansborough?? That one might just go to 6 OT.
8:59 – Alright, I just looked back at the last hour of work I’ve done on this blog, and I have come to the same conclusion that you probably have: It is pure horseshit. I mean, I just missed a perfect opportunity to add to the Michael Phelps Bong Joke Counter, and choked like Tom Watson*
OK, so I’ve had a lot of people ask me for my take re: Tom Watson at the British Open. When I first moved to KC in 1993, the only two people in town might as well have been George Brett and Tom Watson. I remember in 1998 when he won his first tournament in about 10 years, everybody was going crazy. If he pulled it out today, it would have been even crazier. So, what is my take??
Should’ve gone with the nine iron…sunufafuckingbitch…
9:04 – Morgan Freeman is narrating a story about Nelson Mandella and the South African Rugby Team. “That day, the South Africans smoked the competition just like Michael Phelps smokes that sweet, sweet cheeba.” I wish I hadn’t had to make that up. Imagine that quote in Morgan Freeman’s voice…it’s even better.
9:14 – Mandela’s children accept the Arthur Ashe Award on his behalf, and there’s no standing ovation?!?! These aren’t just two of the greatest figures in the Civil Rights. You could make the case that Arthur Ashe and Nelson Mandela are two of the greatest people to ever freaking walk on the planet Earth, and you can’t freaking stand up?!?! I can’t get over this.
9:19 – My roommate AJ just came home. He’s from India, and is furious at the fact that Sachin Tendulkar is not nominated in any category this year.
9:20 – You know what this show needs: More Bruce Jenner and Kristy Yamaguchi jokes!! Boy, the ESPYs know how to stay one step ahead, don’t they??
9:21 – AJ: “Search for how Nascar Drivers pee.” Here you go, brotha.
9:22 – That was the most interesting part of the evening.
Well, since AJ is now back, and this ESPY Blog is doing about as well as the Royals bullpen at the moment, we’ve decided to turn the station to HBO to watch Entourage which, while not guaranteed to suck less than the ESPYs, will at least give us a possibility to see some naked tits.
Entourage Blog:
9:33 – We start with the boys in a conversation about Knocked Up. Because it’s 2009. Way to be relevant, boys.
9:36 – Gary Cole, better known as Bill Lumberg from Office Space is Ari’s old buddy, and newest stud agent at his agency. I wonder if they’ll show him slamming his new 26 yr old squeeze with a coffee cup in his hand.
9:39 – Drama’s wearing a sleeveless V-neck red tiger-stripe shirt in public. I think he stole the shirt from Dee Snyder. Some Zubaz pants would have really tied that outfit together.
9:42 – Since we’re watching Entourage, I’ll make a joke that would have been relevant in 2006: The girl who dropped off E’s housewarming plant looks like she just got puked up by the skinny Olsen Twin.
9:46 – Take the Biggest Movie Star in the World, Martin Scorsese, The Great Gatsby, and what do you get?? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s not this, which is what song was playing while they were walking down the red carpet.
9:51 – More disappointing: Realizing Jami Gertz is old enough to play Lumberg’s wife, or not having any nakedness in this episode?? AJ’s going with the nakedness because he doesn’t know who Jami Gertz is. If you think he won’t watch Less Than Zero at least 12 times next week after I rent it for him, you’d be wrong.
9:54 – If Drama’s date to the premier was any more smoking, Michael Phelps would have tried to stuff her in his bong. DING!!
Well, we’ve reached the end of the evening. If last Wednesday was the slowest sports day of the year, this was certainly the most disappointing. Watson chokes, I choke worse, and I think we’re all losers here. Plus, I find out I miss an pretty hillarious Peyton Manning sketch (seriously), and we still haven’t solved the case of the Stevie Wonder Award Presentation. Sigh…Michael Phelps’ Bong mocks my from the great beyond…