It’s football time in Kansas City!! And you know what that means?? Barbeque!! Wait…except I live in Iowa, not KC. So, instead of smoking a 15 pound pork shoulder for 10 hours, I spent the day with Casey’s General Store pizza, a case of Budweiser, and a dozen nightcrawlers. Yes, nothing says football like standing in the rain waiting for the fish to bite on the shore of the Raccoon River. It’s now 7:00, and sufficiently drunk, I will now attempt to amuse all of you out there in TV land by live blogging the first preseason game of the Pioli/Haley era of Chiefs football.
And what’s not to get excited about?!? Here we have a talentless team filled with nobodies, re-treads and “stars” in need of attitude adjustments. Fortunately, it looks as if Clark put some men in charge that can change all of that. I know you’ve heard that out of me before. People are generally falling into two camps when it comes to thoughts about the new Chiefs. They are either blindly loyal to the new regime, fully trusting their every move, or they are extremely suspicious of them, not that the previous leadership had any indication of football acumen.
While I clearly land in the first category, there is one thing that the unapologetic can cop to: that this team, for the first time in about five years, has direction; a purpose to their actions. Hopefully, this game will at least let us know that the direction is towards the Super Bowl, and not the direction of the team across the parking lot from Arrowhead.
Or…you know, not. It is, after all, the preseason. There’s a good chance that I won’t get past two minutes into the second quarter. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. We ready!!!??
First, though, some quick odds:
3:1 – We get a new Coors Light press conference commercial starring Herm Edwards.
50:1 – That I make it thru this blog w/out mentioning Jean Phillipe Darche, even though he’s not on the team any more.
EVEN – Odds the Chiefs gat some shitty country star like Trace Atkins to pimp the 50th anniversiary of the Chiefs…shit.
We got my buddies K and Rentel set for some football…let’s do it!!
7:04 – Rich Baldinger gets thru his Chiefs analysis without swallowing his own tongue, so that’s a plus.
7:05 – Andy Studebaker makes the tackle on the kickoff. I wish that was a made up name, but it’s not…and I think that makes it more awesome.
7:08 - Big play on Third and 11. Maurice Leggett with a sack!!
7:09 – Blogging a live sporting event is a little different than blogging an awards show; things move fast. I haven’t even had a chance to make the obligatory Sage Rosenfels joke yet.
7:12 – Rentel and K are both huge Packer and Iowa Hawkeye fans, and have very little (no) interest in the Chiefs. In related news, Mike Goff is a former Hawkeye, according to Rentel. Actually, we’re not entirely sure, but we’re drunk so we’re going with it.
7:13 – Jaycee Pearson describes Mario Williams as a “dandy,” which is what I’m calling the spelling of Jaycee Pearson’s name.
7:14 – After Cassel’s first completion on third down, K announces, “Wow, the Chiefs are probably gonna win the Super Bowl this year.” If I didn’t already mention it, I’ll mention right now that we’re drunk.
7:16 – Wow. I was reeeeeeally hoping that the Herm Edwards Coors Light presser commercial that we knew was coming would be better, but it was as predictable as the Chiefs play calling in their first series. C’mon, Chiefs!! You PLAY to win the GAME!!
7:19 – Chiefs D has been doing a pretty good job of stuffing the run , and Tamba Hali and Derrick Johnson are swarming to the ball. I’m really trying to temper my enthusiasm, but they are really playing well.
7:22 – Still waiting for the flea-flicker touchdown that’s bound to come because I typed that last comment.
7:23 – Sure enough, a screen play on third and ten goes for a first down when Tamba gets caught behind the blockers. Points for following the play and almost hopping on a loose ball, though, which is kind of like saying it’s good that Miguel Olivo filed out to center instead of striking out swinging.
7:25 – Rentel thinks Mike Sherman might be a coordinator for the Texans (He’s not…he’s the head coach for Texas A&M). Accordingly, we’re now convinced that that’s where Mike Goff went.
7:28 The Chiefs are attempting a goal line stand, and give up a touchdown on a third and one from the two. RB Chris Brown scored thanks to the Texans offensive line treating the Chiefs D like Rhianna’s face (too soon??)
7:29 – K: “Does Shonn Green play for either of these teams?? No?? Well, then…I’m not interested.”
7:35 – The Chiefs go three and out. Feel the POWER!! I need some more whiskey.
7:39 – Rentel lets us know that the Packers are currently up 7-0. K: “Does Shonn Green play for them??”
7:40 – It’s now a torrential downpour at Arrowhead, and there are some fans cheering sans pancho. K: “Man, you Chiefs fans are NUTS.” I’m too drunk to try to decipher whether or not he’s being sarcastic.
7:42 – Since I mentioned how good he’s doing, Tamba Hali has gotten lost during a screen, missed picking up a fumble, and now he’s drawn offside. I want to give Matt Schaub a compliment so that I can hopefully jinx him too, but he lost his job to Sage Rosenfels last year, so that would be impossible.
7:45 – Matt Cassel makes a great throw to Sean Ryan on third down, but he muffs it like a horny midget prostitute. That simile brought to you by K’s whiskey.
7:50 – Not even an hour in, and we’re bored as hell. We might be wrapping this up soon to play some Seinfeld Scene-It. You think I’m joking, but I’m not.
7:52 – Another third and long for the Chief’s D. They’re doing a pretty good job of holding what’s supposed to be a powerful offense this season in the Texans. Oh, what’s that?? Dan Orlofsky is the QB now?? Nevermind…
7:56 – Jackie Battle has been getting a lot of touches today. If you would have told me that Judith Light’s sister in Who’s the Boss was played by an actress named Jackie Battle, I would have believed you.
8:00 – Aaaaaand, Cassell fumbles. Texans ball. Whoopedy-doo. I think we might just be done.
8:02 – In “The Seven,” what repetitive behavior does Jerry’s girlfriend exhibit that prompts him to say, “It’s our first date, she’s already in reruns?”
Well, that just about does it for me. I really just wanted to see the starters, and see if there was any difference from last year. Well, there really isn’t. The offense is anemic, the defense is a siv, and we continue to suck. Still, there does seem to be a different look/attitude to the Chiefs. A certain “je ne sais quoi,” if you will. They seem to be playing with a purpose. It’s just too bad that doesn’t make us suck less.
Oh, and…Jean Phillepe Darche