LWood is… Bitching Again

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 06/26/2010 – 12:08am
Filed under: Feature  

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I haven’t watched the Cardinals/Royals  game yet tonight.  I am going to watch it shortly.

It’s funny; on 95% of nights, I don’t watch the Royals game until at least 10:30-11:00, and I try to avoid places where I may accidentally see the final score.  That means no ESPN, no other baseball games, I can only watch the first 20 minutes of the local news, and I even got busted catching about 3 minutes of game 7 of the NBA finals.  I fucking hate when I accidentally find out the score.  Let’s be honest here; 60% of the games I watch are going to be losses.  But at least I can watch most of the game, and hope that the Royals will stage some magical comeback.   But once I see the score, I will more than likely just delete it, and find something shitty on TV to watch instead.

Because the Cardinals are playing in KC tonight, there is another place that I have to avoid like the plague…

Facebook

I can’t take a chance that one of my classically bandwagon St. Louis “friends” might leak something in their status update.  You know it would be something like, “Felipe*__thinks the cards r gunna win the hole thing this year if they play like they did 2nite in KC.  Go cards!”

*Name changed to protect the idiots.

So since I haven’t watched the game yet, I only have three things that I can blog about tonight.  Those are: 1. The NHL draft 2. Financial Regulatory Reform or 3. The shit that I hate on Facebook (more specifically, status updates).

Let’s go with Facebook.  The following is a list of my five biggest pet peeves that I see in people’s status updates:

5. Random Song Lyrics – I know almost every lyric to every popular song that has been written in the last 30 years.  I am the fucking karaoke king.

Hugh Jerection__ ”Once beneath the stars/the universe was ours/love was all we knew/and all I knew was you.”

Even I cannot figure out what obscure line from a song you just posted.  Two questions for you: 1. What fucking song is that from?  2. Why the fuck is it important that we all see it?

4. Play by play of you watching a game – I am watching the game.  You are watching the game.  Lots of people are watching the game.  I like a little camaraderie during the game.  I usually stick with texts to HP.  What I don’t need to is open my Facebook and see nothing but posts from you…

Seymore Butts__ ”Whew!”

Seymore Butts__ ”That was a travel”

Seymore Butts__ “Come on guys, pull you heads out of you’re a$$e$!”

Seymore Butts__ ”Make a shot, Johnson.”

Seymore Butts__ ”Nice rebound”

You catch my drift.  Those posts would have only covered the final 19 seconds of the game.  Shut the fuck up.  Besides, why are you on Facebook while you’re watching the game anyway?  Just watch the damn game…

3. Work travel schedules – Come on, you have these people.

Oliver Closoff__ ”ORD -> LAX today.  Then LAX -> MCI tomorrow through Thursday.”

I don’t care where the hell you are working this week.  It’s not like I would need to track you down on your hotel land line or something.  If you’re wondering about my schedule this coming week, it is STL -> STL every goddamn day.

2.  How much love you have for your significant other – Yes, I know you love your wife.  You married her, duh?

Mike Hunt__ ”I am so blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world.  She is my light and my rock.  It’s been the best 11 weeks I have ever had.  I love you, Donna!”

I tell my fiancée I love her every day…in the privacy of my own home.  I don’t feel the need to broadcast it to 386 people that I haven’t actually spoken to in four years.  Get a room.

1. Your Exercise – I am pretty sure that I don’t need to explain this to anyone.

Heywood Jablowme__ “Started out thinking I would only run 6 miles this morning, but felt so good at the 5 mile mark, just kept going.  Ended up doing 37 miles before work.  Plus tonight I am at the gym from 7:00-11:00.  Tuesdays are arms and back.  All in a day’s work…”

I hate you.   Besides, for all we know you could be lying.  What time did you finally roll into the office anyway?  Really?  9:00?  Did you start your run yesterday?  It’s a computer program.  If I didn’t have pictures on my page I could tell everyone I was 6’1” 200 lbs. too.

So here is the deal.  If you happen to be one of my Facebook “friends”, and you use any of these five items in you update, I am removing you from my “friend” list.  It’s that simple.

Oh, and don’t tell me the Royals score…

LWood Kellogg__ “Why do I bother/when you’re not the one for me/is enough enough?   Come on Zack!  Oh, of you need me I’ll be traveling to Barcelona in the morning, and Guadalhara in the afternoon.  Before that though I need to take a 20 mile run and a poop.  Oh, and I love you baby!  See you when I get done watching the game…

The Big Status Quo Conference

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 06/08/2010 – 11:39pm
Filed under: Local College  

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Well, we’re here.  This has gone on long enough.  I finally have to weigh in on this whole Big XII, Big 10+1, Pac-10, MVC, Mountain West, SEC, hullabaloo.  This whole thing is playing out like a bunch of stupid high school drama, and in the end, nothing (I repeat, NOTHING) is going to change.  That’s right, I said it. 

HP started whining about this like Chicken Little back in early May.

“The Big XII is done, and KU is going to get screwed.”

Sure it is.  Read through all the crap in the paper, and I can see why you would think that.  I mean, you have Missouri and Nebraska going to the Big 10.  That causes Texas, Tech, Oklahoma, Okie Light, aTm, and Colorado* to bolt to the Pac-10.  And once that mass exodus happens, you have KU, K-Junior, and Iowa State praying for that coveted invite from the MVC.  Hey, at least I’ll get to see KU in St. Louis every March.

*Of course, somehow the legislature of Texas threatens to secede from the Union, and in turn gets the Pac-10 to take Baylor instead of Colorado.  This forces the Buffs to become the worst team in the Mountain West instead of the worst team in the Big XII or Pac-10.

So as we all sit here on pins and needles waiting for the impeding collapse that is the Midwestern college landscape, allow me to remind you of just one little thing (and this may sting for all you Antlers out there)…

The Big 10 doesn’t want Mizzou.

It’s true.  The Big 10 wants Notre Dame, and that is it.  They want to get to twelve teams, which gives them two divisions, and a championship game in football.  They do not want to expand to 16 teams. 

I know it hurts, Tigers.  Here is basically what happened.  Let’s say that there is a really hot guy in school.  He isn’t the hottest dude in school, but he is up in the top 3-4.  We’ll call him Bryce Tennor.  He has a huge crush on Nicole Davis.  Nicole is the coolest girl in school.  She is so cool, that she doesn’t even want to date or be tied down, and just sleeps with anyone.  Bryce cannot get Nicole to notice him at all, even though he is hot.  So what does Bryce do?  That’s right; he starts flirting with everyone in sight.  Nancy, Rachel, Syrie and Vicky.  He does this merely in an attempt to get Nicole to think she had better get in the picture quickly or Bryce could be married before she even got a chance.

Then you have Missy.  Missy is not attractive.  She is poor, and has small insignificant television markets, uh, breasts.  Well, Missy hears that Bryce is courting just about anyone, and suddenly believes she has a shot.  Some of her friends even tell her she has a shot.  Missy begins to lie to everyone she knows, telling them she will be dating Bryce before you know it.  She tells herself this so much that she even begins to believe her own lie.  Truth is, Bryce is never going to get with Missy unless he is ridiculously drunk and all the other girls mentioned are busy, or have herpes.

Sad, I know.

Look, The Big 10 pays each of its members about $20 million per year.  Let’s do some math:

11 teams x $20 mil. = $220 Million.

Now, add in a Notre Dame and you have something more like this:

$220 mil. + $80 million from ND = $300 mil./12 teams = $25 million per team

Next scenario is the Big 10 adds Mizzou, Nebraska, and one of the Big East teams:

$220 mil. + $40 million combined = $260 mil./14 teams = $18.57 million per team

The Big 10 is not stupid.  Nebraska and Mizzou add very little, if any value to the league.  There is no way that the powers that be in that league will dilute the value of the franchise.  Not so they can facilitate a “border rivalry” between MU and Illinois.  Not so Nubs can play Iowa either.  No, in the end this was all just a smokescreen to finally get the Irish to play ball.  And it will probably work. 

If I was Missy, I think I might try to play nice with the semi-good looking guy who is really only seen in public with me because I put out.  That is, before he finds a better looking girl with even lower self esteem.

TARP, TP, and the Royals

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 05/19/2010 – 11:36pm
Filed under: Kansas City Royals  

Tags: , , , , , , ,

We all make mistakes.

It’s absolutely true.  I do it all the time.  No one is immune to it.  The question is can you admit when you have made that mistake, learn from it, and better yourself.  Dayton Moore did just that last week when he realized that hiring a white guy from Japan to be your manager just because he has a cool moustache, does not a winning baseball team make.

I will now follow suit with Mr. Moore.  I too, have erred.

My last column, in which I was going to weed out candidates for the 2010 Royals MVP, was fucking stupid.  I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Deep down, I knew it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue with that for NINE MORE COLUMNS.  So I am admitting that it was a mistake, and I am cutting ties with it.  Besides, we all know that Mike Aviles is going to win anyway, and I didn’t even have him on the list.

Now that we have that out of the way, how ‘bout them Royals?!?!?!?  Thank God that D-Mo realized it was time for a change.  Of course, it was time for a change in June of 2009 but who’s counting?  I have watched all but two of the Royals games this season.  One of them I have recorded, but I know what happens (they win). So I am saving that for rainy day.  The other was last night’s disaster at Baltimore.  I missed this one to drink, and play “Name That Tune Trivia” at a bar.*

*The bar I go to has the MLB package.  It has about 12-15 TVs.  It is usually only occupied by about 30-40 people.  So why didn’t I see the game?  Because people in St. Louis are assholes (or for you Ke$ha fans: As$holes), that’s why.  God forbid the Cardinals are playing.  Every TV in the bar is being watched individually by, it seems, one guy.  The only TV not tuned to the Cardinals game is showing the NHL Conference Finals.  Of course, there’s some redneck in a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket sitting glued to that one…in May…in Missouri.  FML.

Based on my experience with the Royals over the years, and judging by what I have seen this far this season, my first (and most reasonable) inclination is to predict that the Royals will finish last in the AL Central and second to last in the American League.  Many of you would probably agree with me.  But that was before I was taking a dump at work yesterday.

Since the bank that I work for has not paid back the TARP money you lent us, we have a lot of restrictions placed on us by regulators.  These include not being able to expand our branches, limits on executive pay, etc.  We also have terrible toilet paper.  I am convinced that someone has told us we cannot have nice TP until we repay that government money.  That is the only logical conclusion I can come to as to why any company would provide this sand paper to its employees.

Did the Glass family receive any sort of bailout?  I am just wondering because they seem to trot out what appears to be a pretty substandard product as well. 

Anyway, so I was scraping my ass at work when I realized something; while it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, the horrible toilet paper actually gets the job done better in the end than the fancy stuff I have at home. It gets me clean better.  It doesn’t fall apart.  That three ply quilted stuff just seems to shred in your hand when you really are working hard, and that double roll brand absorbs about as well as wax paper.  But not the crappy work TP.  Plus, you can use as much as you like, and because it’s so thin, it cannot clog the toilet.

So what’s the point?  You don’t always get what you pay for.  Sometimes, the crappy work toilet paper comes out of nowhere and surprises you.  That’s why I think the Royals will win the AL Central.

Toilet paper…

Yes, that’s what I am clinging to.  Speaking of clinging, that dingleberry Betancourt just committed another error to give the Indians a 1-0 lead.

The Yost With The Most

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 05/17/2010 – 2:40pm
Filed under: Kansas City Royals  

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Maybe it’s that Honeymoon glow.  Maybe it’s the fact that his name is not Trey Hillman.  Maybe it’s the incredible restraint it must take the man to not grow a moustache.  (He would totally look awesome with a moustache)  Whatever it is, spending the weekend with Ned Yost has led to me completely and totally trusting the man.  He’s the anti-Trey.

I was down in KC over the last weekend, and was therefore privy to 1.) actually watching the Royals, and 2.) getting first-hand accounts and analysis of Yost’s first series on the job from a number of respected talking-heads not named Jason Whitlock.

Trey Hillman is behind us, and I will be happy if I never utter his name again, so we don’t need to re-hash the idiocy of some of his moves.  With Yost, you get the feeling that he’s not a reactionary type.  He knows his players.  He knows how to get the best out of them.  He knows what to do in various baseball situations.  Of course, these are the very basic characteristics that you want in a major league manager.  And these are the characteristics that the previous Skip was lacking.  The fact that Yost is at least competent already puts him light years ahead of Trey.

Also, Dave Owen…FTG

Yost isn’t without flaws.  He got canned by the Brewers with 12 games left in the 2008 season while his team was in the middle of a pennant race.  Which is odd.  There were circumstances surrounding the firing that aren’t entirely known, but the fact is it happened.  The reasons why are a little less than black-and-white, but he was the leader of a team that won 65 games the season before he got there, and made the playoffs six years later.

Of course, you don’t want to heap the credit strictly on him.  You have Prince Fielder, JJ Hardy and Ryan Braun to thank for that.  But, you do have to give Yost credit for this: he didn’t fuck it up.  Now, getting fired 12 games from the finish line might lead you to believe otherwise, but Dave Sevum (his replacement) only went 7-5 down the stretch.  A lot has been said about that team being in a 3-11 slump before his firing, but prior to that stretch, the Brewers went 8-1.  His firing seemed like a panic move, and all those who have analyzed it since tend to lean that way too. 

But being Not Trey Hillman aside, there are three things that Yost did or said during the weekend that made me like and trust him.  Here they are:

1.) Some of the critique of Yost prior to his being shown the door in Milwaukee surrounded his almost absolute refusal to use the sacrifice bunt as an offensive weapon.  In the NL, with the pitcher batting 9th, it is generally assumed that the sac bunt in necessary and integral to success.  However, Sabermetric research has shown that is it an absolute rally-killing croc.  And Yost seems to agree.  Martin Manley does a nice job of pointing this out by using numbers that frighten and confuse me…but still generally point me in the direction that Hillman was a quack, and Yost knows what the fuck he’s doing.

2.) Much has been written about Luke Hochevar and his maddening inconsistency.  He’s been good, and incomprehensibly bad, and a lot of it might have to do with his inability to keep his head on straight when things start to trend downward.  Case-in-point: Saturday Night.  Going into the 7th inning, with a three run lead, Hoch looked visibly shaken when the Alexi Ramirez got an infield single with one out on a ball that a shortstop with even average range (i.e. not named Yuniesky Betancourt) would have gotten to.  He ended up losing control and giving up four runs, the lead and the game.

So what did Yost have to say after the game??  Did he second-guess himself about not going to the bullpen earlier??  Did he throw Yuni under the bus for not getting to an easily field-able ball??  No.  He said that was part of the plan; that Hoch needs to learn how to pitch himself out of jams.  Wow.  What a breath of fresh air.  This is similar to Gil Meche coming back to the dugout after throwing 100+ in six the night before, and signaling to Yost for one more inning.  Yost said no.  He went to the pen, saved further wear on Meche’s shoulder, and got W.

If he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, at least he’s honest with how he does it, and that inspires confidence; something that is sorely lacking in this organization.

3.) The handling of Kila Monster getting sent back down again today.  Yost knows his team, and the limitations surrounding it.  And I’m speaking here of Ka’ahuie’s inability to make it on the field during his most recent stint on the big club.  Instead of talking in vague overtones about the competitiveness of his need for more seasoned instruction, Yost plainly stated that with Jose Guillen and Big Stroker entrenched at DH and 1B, there simply enough at-bats to go ‘round.  “It just kills me to see Kila sitting on the bench and not playing,” said Yost…”I think he’s a huge part of our future, and for me I’d much rather have him down there right now, getting his at-bats, playing first base and if something happened he could come back here.

By acknowledging things which any educated Royals fan most certainly already knows, instead of dismissing it outright in some attempt to prove his legitimacy as a manager, Yost effectively justified his decision, however unpopular amongst the populous.

I for one am excited for having Yost in a Royals uniform.  I know that we’re not going to be competitive for a while with the talent we have on the team, but you know what??  So does Ned Yost.  And that’s more than I can say for…what’s his name??  Traysomething??  I’ve already forgotten. 

Thank God.

Better Know A Chiefs Draft Pick: Tony Moeaki

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 05/10/2010 – 12:24pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs  

Tags: , , , , , ,

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Iowa TE Tony Moeaki

Pros: He’s from freaking Iowa!!  Woo Hoo!!  Hey, that’s where I live, and having to deal with the insufferable Hawkeye fans talking themselves into thinking their program is on par with Ohio State and Michigan every year notwithstanding, I have become somewhat of an Iowa bandwagoneer.  Iowa being a Big Ten school, this doesn’t infringe on my KU fandom.

Here’s what you need to know about Iowa football: they play just like the Chiefs.  Well, not like these Chiefs, but the good old 1990’s Chiefs teams you used to know and love.  Last year, against Penn State, Iowa allowed a 63 yard opening touchdown drive.  They did not allow Penn State past the 35 yard line the rest of the game.  They play a tough front four, have an excellent pass rush, and absolutely shut you down on the corners.  On offense, they’re content with pounding the ball, and playing the field position game.

So what does Tony Moeaki have to do with any of this??  Well, he’s that hard-nosed, do-anything type of player that Pioli (and good friend and Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz) loves.  Need a block??  He’ll do it.  Need a first down catch over the middle??  He’ll do it.  Good.  Solid.  Moeaki.

Cons: He’s not Tony Gonzalez.  The comparisons started coming in right off the bat (LOOK!!  His name is Tony, too!!), but let’s be honest.  Tony Gonzalez is the greatest TE to ever play the game.  The resemblance seems ridiculous to me, but there’s going to be some Chiefs fans who will tune in week 6 and see that Moeaki only has one TD reception, and think of him as a disappointment.  This is inevitable, especially since we moved up in the third round to take him. 

We’re not going to pay Moeaki to make TD receptions.  We’re going to pay him to play an adequate, solid, un-spectacular tight end.  And that he can do.  He’s not flashy, and will not awe you with any aspect of his game, but he can hold his own…and that’s what this offense needs. 

That is, if he can stay healthy.  If there’s one knock on Moeaki, it’s his propensity to get injured.  He’s broken wrists, elbows, foots, strained hammys and calfs, but still made it onto the field.  We’ll have to cross our fingers and hope that he can relieve some pressure on not only Matt Cassell, but also Dwayne Bowe and Dexter McCluster.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.  I was talking with his former head coach Kirk Ferentz at Iowa the other day.  You know what Ferentz told me??  He said that this guy Moeaki is the best fucking Tight End he’s ever coached.  Now, I don’t know anything about Kirk Ferentz, but the guy seemed to know what he was talking about.  And I tell you what about this kid Moeaki.  He might not be able to stomp any taints, but if you ask him to stomp some taints, he’s damn well gonna try to stomp some taints.  This fucking guy Tony Moeaki, he’s a fucking football player.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: Swiffer WetJet

You’ve seen it.  It’s fucking awful.  Lady buys a Swiffer WetJet.  Old mop is thrown out by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  Old mop is dejected.  Old mop sees old broom.  Old broom had previouly been rejected by virtue of Swiffer WetJet’s presence.  “Who’s that Lady” plays.  Old mop is attracted to old broom.  Old mop and old broom live happily ever after.  I stab myself in the brain with a grapefruit spoon.

Here’s the thing about that commercial, though.  It’s not for you.  You are not the target audience.  It is for middle-aged housewives who actually have to stay home and clean up after your disgusting-ass self.  And you know what??  Middle-aged housewives love that shit.  I mean they just eat it up.  They think, “Oh, that’s so funny!!  Look at how cute those two mops are!!  I wish my husband still looked at me that way.  Maybe I should get the Ab Circle Pro out from underneath the bed…where’s that box of Milanos??”  You see, this draft pick is not for you, either.  You want touchdowns.  Football coaches what a player they can forget about in terms of whether or not he’ll do his job.  

Also, the Swiffer is not an absolute necessity.  It gets the job done, but an old mop could get the job done too.  Sure, that old mop wouldn’t be ideal; it would leave some scuff marks.  But the Swiffer not only sweeps, it cleans and polishes, too!!  We could have continued on with an old mop off the scrap heap.  Or we could have held on to our Cortech 485446 Floor Polisher.  Instead we got a Swiffer.  You spend a few extra bucks on it when you go to Target, and it’s there when you need it.

And Then There Were None

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Posted by L. Wood Kellogg on 05/01/2010 – 12:16pm
Filed under: Kansas City Royals  

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I want to apologize to all of my fans (yeah, both of you).  I know that you have come to expect a level of commitment from me when it comes to posting my columns.  Allow me to explain.  You see, I lost my job back in November.  I decided not to air all of that here because, frankly, none of you really care.  There are pros and cons to being unemployed for an extended period of time.

Pros: Sleep in, stay up late, write more columns, watch Foxnews (all day), frequent afternoon “catnaps”, all the days run together, no “Mondays”, etc.

Cons: No money, watch Foxnews (all bleeping day)*, feelings of despair and hopelessness not relating to the Chiefs or Royals, permanent butt grooves on my couch, boredom.

*Look, I love Foxnews.  However, there are a few things that really got to me over the last five or so months.  Every single commercial on Foxnews is for one of three things: Gold (you should buy gold), Car insurance (you should buy car insurance), and people who can settle your debts with credit cards or the IRS when you spend too much on car insurance and gold.  I want to open my own tax settlement company called, “You Just Have To Pay It”.  I can see the commercial now.  Open with Bellweather looking extremely concerned with bills laying all around him.  He looks in the camera and says, “I owed the IRS $36,000 in back taxes!”  Now relieved, he says, “I called Logg’s Tax Service, and I only paid $36,000!!!  Thanks Logg”.  Maybe our taxes wouldn’t be so high if everyone just paid what they were supposed to.  Just a thought.

But as of a couple of weeks ago, The Logg is employed again.  This has severely limited my writing.  Not because I haven’t been watching the Royals (I haven’t missed one excruciating game yet), but because I am tired when I get home.  I used to be able to get up around 10, surf the internet in my underwear until noon, eat a frozen pizza, bang out a column around 1 or 2, and still have time for a nap with Sheppard Smith droning on in the background.  Now, I get home, eat something, watch American Idol, catch as much of the Royals game as I can tolerate, and sleep.  Not a lot of time for writing. 

That being said, I need to do something.  As I mentioned before, I have watched all 24 of the Royals games this season.  There have been some bright spots here and there.  But for the most part, it has been a disaster.  And it got me thinking…

Do you realize that someone from this team is going to be named “Royals MVP 2010”???  It’s true.  No matter if the Royals lose 125 games this season, they will still have a first grade soccer team-esque banquet where everyone gets a participation trophy, and someone will win the MVP.  So here is what we are gonna do: cue Ryan Seacrest…

This…is ROYALS IDOL

The competition will be between all Royals position players on the active roster as of today that see regular playing time.  There is no reason to involve the pitchers here since none of them with the exception of one is worth diddly. So your top ten contestants are:

David DeJesus, Scott Podsednik, Billy Butler, Jose Guillen, Alberto Callaspo, Jason Kendall, Alex Gordon, Mitch Maier, Rick Ankiel, and Yuniesky Betancourt.  Every few days I will post a blog about the last few games, and then I will vote one off.  What the hell else do you have to do?

Episode one:

Your bottom three for the period between game one and May 1st:

Jason Kendall – BA .288 HR 0 RBI 4 BB 8 SLG .457

Look, the Royals are getting most of what they expected from Kendall.  He’s not going to hit a bunch of homeruns or drive in a ton of runs.  He started the season on a pretty good streak hitting-wise.  But I am sick of hearing about how well he handles the staff.  What evidence do we have of that???  Have you seen the bullpen???  His inclusion in the bottom three is based mainly on his inability to get the ball out the infield over the last five games.  How many weak groundouts to the pitcher can one man hit?

Tonight he’ll be singing “Old Man” by Neil Young

Randy: Dog, check it out, check it out, check it out.  Yo, that wasn’t my favorite performance by you.  It was pitchy in parts.  You threw out Longoria last night, but honestly dude, the throw was in the dirt, yo.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.

Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter.  That being said, I love everything about you.  There, I said it.  That is, except the fact that you’re a man.

Kara: You know what I like about you, Jason?  You know who you are.  You don’t try to do too much up there, and it suits you.  Stay true to your soul, and maybe try going the other way every once in a while.  Also, I wouldn’t mind feeling your hand in my catchers mitt, if you know what I mean.

Simon: I didn’t get that at all.  It was like an elephant trying to make love to a hubcap, if you know what I mean.  All that being said, I think you’re safe for now.

Mitch Maier – BA .257 HR 0 RBI 6 BB 6 SLG .457

Mitch has filled in admirably during Rick Ankiel’s steroid binge foot injury.  But he is not a long term solution in center field.  Mitch hit a couple of triples over the last week, but at times he looks completely overmatched at the plate.  He does have good speed in the field.  So that’s a plus, I guess.

Tonight he’ll be singing “Put Me In Coach” by John Fogerty

Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, check it out, yo, check it out, dog.  Dog, that was hot.  You know I like you, right?  I am a fan of you because you’re current.  Don’t worry that you can’t hit major league breaking balls.  Stick with it, yo.  That was hot!!!

Ellen:  I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter.  That being said, I get paid a lot of money to pre-write jokes to do here.  So let me get my notes out.  Here we go.  When you are at the plate you look more scared that Obama when someone mentions the words Blagojevic and subpoena.  *pause*  Good job.

Kara: Mitch, I can feel your soul when you’re out there.  I look at you and I think, “Here’s a guy who knows who he is.”  You’re believable.  Why don’t you meet me after this, and we can see if you can smack a triple into one of my corners?

Simon: Mitch, look, it’s not working.  It was like watching a cat trying to tap dance on the moon, and wondering why he doesn’t have more oven cleaner.  Sorry…

Alex Gordon – BA .194 HR 1 RBI 1 BB 6 SLG .323

Alex is coming off an injury…again.  So I am trying to give him a little bit of slack here.  How is it that the most hyped hitting prospect the Royals have had in 2 decades cannot seem to put the bat on any breaking pitch that goes away from him?  It’s not even close.  It’s like throwing nothing but curve balls to Pedro Serrano (pre-chicken sacrifice).

Tonight he’ll be singing “Favorite Mistake” by Sheryl Crow

Randy: Yo, yo, check it out, dog.  Check it out, check it out, check it out, yo, yo, yo, dog.  Yo, when I saw you were doing that, I was like “whoa?”  And then at the beginning I was like, “whoa.”  But then I was like “whoa!”  You worked it out.  Whoa.

Ellen: I know absolutely nothing about baseball or music for that matter.  That being said, I liked it.  Oh, hang on.  Uh, Alex, you go after more balls in the dirt than Pigpen’s girlfriend.  Where’s my check?

Kara: Alex, you have an aura about you.  It makes me feel all warm in my lady parts.  Stay true to who you are, and maybe we can get together after this and play the “hot corner” together.

Simon: Alex, that was completely wrong for you.  It was like a little mouse who can’t find his way to Evansville, Indiana even though he has a trash can AND a bag of Clydesdale excrement, you know?  Sorry…

Okay, the results are in.  The contestant who will be leaving us tonight is…

Mitch Maier.

Mitch, thanks for filling in, but this just isn’t the year that you’ll be named best of the worst team in baseball.  Tune in next week when our theme will be shitty baseball players who choke away games.

Good night.  Seacrest out.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Javier Arenas

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/30/2010 – 12:44pm
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs  

Tags: , , , , , ,

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks from the NFL Draft.  Today: Alabama Cornerback, Javier Arenas

Pros: A very good cover corner in college and a dynamic kick returner; rated #1 in the draft on many boards.  Plus: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.  TRADITION!!

Cons: Undersized at 5-7 and 200 lbs.  He figures to be a nickel back in most situations.  You had better believe teams are going to concentrate on isolating their tight ends on him on passing downs…and didn’t we just spend a pick on a hybrid return man??  Also: Brodie Croyle, Wallace Gilberry, Bobby Greenwood and Tim Castille.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “You know, when I coached the Oakland Raiders, we had a quarterback.  His name was Rich Fucking Gannon.  Now, you think anybody gave this guy a shot?  No.  And what does he go out and do?  He wins the fucking MVP of the National Fucking Football League.  This guy Javier Arenas; he’s small by NFL standards – I mean my horse’s cock is bigger than him – but I tell you what, guys.  This guy Javier Arenas, he’s a fucking football player.  Just like Rich Fucking Gannon.”

Pick as Overplayed Commercial: HughesNet High Speed Internet Service.

I don’t know how many of you have seen these commercials.  I’m guessing maybe not a whole lot.  Hughesnet is basically internet by satellite, or internet for hayseeds who live in the sticks and can’t get a cable hookup.  I live in Iowa.  This state is nothing but hayseeds who live in the sticks.

Now the commercial stars one Kimberly Joseph who, if you ask me, is quite striking* in a Hannah Storm kind of way.

* It’s funny.  The closer you move to thirty, the more attractive “older” ladies become.  What used to be dismissed in my own head as a Mrs. Robinson situation is now an actual, not-frowned-upon-by-society possibility.  I’m not downplaying the attractiveness or Ms. Joseph.  I’m just saying that if I saw her out at a bar, I wouldn’t feel as weird as I would as a 23 year-old about going up and talking to her…and promptly getting rejected.

The problem with this commercial (which I could not was too lazy to find) is that her hair is all whacked out.  It looks like somebody stuck a sea-urchin on the back of her head.  I look at Arenas’ size the same way.  Just like I can’t watch HughesNet girl without thinking about how fucked up her hair is, I can’t get past the fact that Arenas is Tom Cruise size.  Sure, I see all of the really attractive qualities about him, but can’t help but think that he’s nothing more than the second coming of Mark McMillan.

Also: The HughesNet product itself.  It’s like DirecTV without the TV.  You get your internet thru a sattelite.  It seems like such a hassle to invest the money to get an entire freaking satellite just to get internet.  Are we sure that we need to invest the time and money just to get a kick returner??

Hell, who am I kidding.  Considering the timing, placement and round, Arenas might end up being the pick of this draft.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Dexter McCluster

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/26/2010 – 10:11am
Filed under: Feature, Kansas City Chiefs  

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Ways He’s Like the Television Character Dexter: One is a silent killer, lurking where you don’t expect him, killing only those who deserve it, and living by a code which justifies his existance.  The other is the television character.  You see what I did there??  Boom.

Ways He’s Not Like the Television Character Dexter: His hair is not nearly as cool (or it’s a lot cooler??).  Also, he’s not a serial killer…I think… 

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “I tell you what, guys.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.  He’ll do anything you need on the football field.  If I were this fucking guy’s coach, I’d tell him to stomp the opposing team in the taint.  And you know what??  Goodbye taint.  You might as well go ahead and start writing the taint’s eulogy right now.  This fucking guy McCluster, he’s a fucking football player.”

Nickname When He Scores a Touchdown: The O-Dub.  When McCluster was drafted, all of the talking heads around the table on ESPN were talking about him as a change-of-pace back.  The Chiefs plan on doing more than just letting him cleanup the table scraps of Jamal Charles and Thomas Jones.  This is why the people on ESPN are idiots.

McCluster will be used a number of different ways, and the best-case-scenereo projections have him somewhere between Percy Harvin and Reggie Bush as a slash/hybrid slot reciever/returner.  When asked before the draft whether he was a RB or a WR, McCluster responded with:  “That’s hard to say.  I would say I consider myself an Offensive Weapon.”  

Offensive Weapon = OW…The O-Dub.  You’re welcome, Mitch Holtus.  

Nickname When He Fumbles: McClusetr-fuck.  That was easy. 

Pick as Overplayed Commercial:  The Coors Light Home Draft

I don’t think there was any commercial that was shown more during the draft than this one.  You know, where Ditka shows up with some hottie cheerleaders and they all drink beer and grow moustaches, or something.   “We can have a draught while we watch the draft!!,” exclaims an excitable fellow, to his football-loving compatriots.  Which is great, because I can’t, because, as the commercial says, The Coors Light Home Draft is not available yet…it is ”coming soon.”

At first, you think, “What the hell do I need something like that for??”  Then you see it a few times and you’re like, “Well, I guess that would make things a little bit more convienient,” but then, after about the 1,200th time, you start thinking, “Wow…I really don’t need something that large hogging my fridge space, and I know that if I had it, I’d be tempted to use it just a little too much, and end up sluggish and overweight.”

This is the same way I feel about McCluster.  Is the offensive coaching staff going to force the ball to McCluster in order to justify the pick and end up using him in ways he shouldn’t be used??

Let’s just stick to letting him move the ball down the field before we asking him to stomp any taints.

Better Know a Chiefs Draft Pick: Eric Berry

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/23/2010 – 10:30am
Filed under: Kansas City Chiefs  

Tags: , , , , , ,

In which we tell you about your newest Kansas City Chiefs by breaking down each of their picks over the next three days of the NFL Draft.  Today: Tennessee Safety, Eric Berry

 Pros: Freakish Athlete.  Great Instincts.  Legit talent.  Of course, immediately following the draft, everybody says these things.  Ryan Sims, Glenn Dorsey, Tom Bahali [sic].  But this time, you actually get the feeling that they mean it.  This guy can play (unless, you know…he can’t).

Cons: Coming out of commercial, ESPN will show you one of the draft picks talking on the phone and smiling, but will always have commentary running over them so that you can’t heat the conversation they’re having with the coach on the other line.  This way, Berman and the other idiots can continue to speculate on who the next team could possibly be picking, even though we all pretty much know…OR DO WE?!?!  They could, after all, just be pulling a McGahee.

Well, when they came back and shot Eric Berry talking on the phone, there were some technical difficulties, so we got to see Eric pump his fist in the air, and very clearly say, “I’M GONNA BE A CHIEF!!!!!,” only to get two more minutes of Steve Young telling us how great an O-Line pick would be for us.  So anti-climactic.

Also, this pick ain’t gonna fix the defense.  Until we get a legitimite pass rush, Berry’s going to have too much on his plate to turn things around on his own; one player does not a great defense make.  I’t still going to take another couple of years.  I just hope Chiefs fans will keep this in mind when we have the #27 defense next year.  I’m looking at you Kevin Kietzman.

Cursing John Gruden’s Take: “This guy Eric Berry.  He’s a fucking football player.  The first time I saw this guy play, I got a boner.  I’m serious, guys.  A huge fucking rod.  I’m talking diamond in an ice storm hard.  I wanted to kill my mother-in-law with it.  I’m serious, guys.  Just fucking murder her with my dick.  This guy Eric Berry.  He’s gonna be a fucking football player in the National Fucking Football League.”

Jason Whitlock’s Take: “In the moments after the Chiefs made the Tennessee saftey the No. 5 pick in Thursday’s draft, I read Berry’s full resume…”

As opposed to, you know before the fucking draft.  Heaven forbid you do any research on the guy the Chiefs were going to fucking draft all along.  Jesus, man.  You didn’t even read his resume before the draft??  Could you not take yourself away from sucking Dez Bryant’s ballsac for two freaking seconds to put together an actual informed thought about who the Chiefs might actually select??  Who pays this guy??

Pick as Overplayed Advertisement: Dr. Quinn’s Open Hearts Collection.  Kay Jewlers.

God, I hate this ad.  “My muthha towwt me to oowlways keep yoow haaht owpuun.”  Just shut up.  You want me to believe that you, Jane Seymour, thespian extrordinaire, designed something that ugly, and that you truly believe that it would become an international symbol for love.  Nope…just, no.  It looks like a retarded lizard’s poop.  It’s a cheap peice of junk that poor white trash people buy to make believe they can actually afford diamonds.

Oh, and I love how the ad changes for every holiday.  Really, Jane??  I thought your open hearts collection was supposed to become a symbol for last Valentines Day…or last Christmas.  Now, you want it to be for Mother’s Day??  Also, the real Jane Seymour was one of the wives killed by Henry VIII.  If that dont’ say love I don’t know what does.

So what does Eric Berry have to do with this??  Well every Sunday during football season is like a holiday.  So, we hope that just like the damn commercial annoys the piss out of us every time a holiday rolls around, Eric Berry will be the one to annoy the piss out of opposing defenses every Sunday.  You see what I did there??

Sorry.  I know it’s kind of a stretch.  I just really hate that commercial.

Jane Seymour was totally bangable in Wedding Crashers, though.

LaceDarius Dunn Will Not Let The College Basketball Season Die

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Posted by Bellwether Johnson on 04/16/2010 – 12:47pm
Filed under: Local College  

Tags: , , , , , , ,

I was done.  Done thinking about it, done worrying about it, done obsessing…done.  And the “it” of which I am referring is College Basketball.  I was finally content and happy to put it in my back pocket for the next nine months, and let the rest of the shitty world of sports in Kansas City run its course until the Jayhawks suited up again.

This is the reason there hasn’t been a lot of chatter around here with regard to Cole and X going pro.  No commentary on Brandon Knight signing with the Kentucky.  No remarks on Ben Jacobson getting a 10 year extension simply for beating Kansas.**  

 

** Though, what does that say about the stature of Basketball at Kansas, where you can get millions upon millions of dollars by beating one team one time.

 

The trip to STL for the Midwest Regional was still fun sans KU.  HP, Logg and I got to get drunk, sell our Sunday tix for beer money, get drunk, watch me puss out on getting an attractive girls phone number at the pre-game bar, get drunk, listen to DREAM, get drunk, catch a free bus rider from a skeevy looking dude who then fed us beer out of a lukewark cooler and drove us to the stadium along streets whose names you only hear on the news, get drunk, watch Michigan state do to UNI in the second half what KU should have done, get drunk, and…oh, yeah…get drunk.  Not what I had envisioned as the end of this year’s season, but fitting none-the-less.

 

What comes next.  We’ve got a whole summer of bullpen implosions to look forward to.  We have a new coaching staff full of assholes to draft disappointing defensive linemen.  We have hockey playoffs (just kidding…nobody cares about hockey playoffs).

 

So, sure.  Not the most exciting stuff to look forward to, but I’ll pay attention because I’m a dude.  But…just when I thought it was over…out of the deep blue sea comes this:

 

FUCK

 

This fucking asshole again??  Goddammnit, how old is this guy anyways??  He’s been on the team, what, like eight years?? 

 

Here are, completely of the top of my head – with no discernable research – my three least-favorite LaceDarius Dunn memories*:

 

02/14/2004

An 18 year old LaceDarius torches an unsuspecting Senior-laden KU team to the tune of 27 and 16, performing three windmill dunks, and then, to top it off, sees your girlfriend out a bar in Waco afterwords, and bangs the shit out of her.

 

01/26/2005

LaceDarius Dunn, in the midst of his second Sophomore season hits 16 three-pointers, and lifts Baylor to their first ever victory in Allen Field House.  On top of that, to punctuate his twelfth three, he spies Jeff Boschee, himself in his fourth senior season, and punches him square in the face.  In Dunn’s defense, Boschee did kind of deserve it, being Jeff Boschee and all…

 

02/20/2010

After dropping a school record 42 on Kansas, Dunn, not content with continually hitting contested shots against the Jayhawks, performs lazer tattoo removal on this chick at halftime. 

 

* The validity of these stories has not been confirmed. 

 

Point is, LaceDarius Dunn is an asshole.

 

It’s that earlier this season, when he was dropping ridiculous 30-footers with a hand in his face, I said to myself, “Fuck, I thought that asshole graduated…he’s been around for-fucking-ever.”

 

Well, looks like he’s sticking around to stick it in our craw a few more times before flying the coop.

I will now make like the Royals bullpen, and set myself on fire.